So I pray....

**Baby girl can ride her bike!! I am so excited. She looks so cute! And me and my mom taughter her* She came riding to me when I got home from work!!******



And so I pray….

I kneel down
hands clasped
praying to the sky
for forgivness
of every sin…
that I’ve ever committed
and every lie
I ever told
and every article of whatever
that wasn’t significant
that I stole
and every time I fornicated
because I thought it was LOVE

And so I pray…
that tonight when
I fall asleep
that I wake up
feeling refreshed
from all of the uncontrollable stress
……that life places us in
relentlessly giving us homework
there’s everyday test
and humanity is failing
and I need an A
so I pray for US

And so I pray…
that others can forgive me
of whatever I did
that may have cut them deep
for I am sorry…
that I planted that seed
for they are the ultimate gardener
I pray that they pluck
whatever I did….like weeds


And so I pray..
that if I’m really so dainty
and can’t bear to get my feet dirty
walking through this mess called life..
I pray that I can be delivered
and accept the creators help
because I know “IT” is there
and right now..
I’ve got faith in nothing but “IT”
and I know that no matter what
“IT” will never turn “IT’S” back
on me…
or my enemies..
who hate that
I pray on all of that..



*****Wow..Two poems for tonight...****

Hm..what to call it???

You mull over over me
because I am your muse
I give you inspiration
to do what you do
I hope it makes you feel better
to get it all out
but the one you’re creating for
has not intentions on viewing your art

You cogitate over me
because I am your OCD
If you weren’t fixated with me
who’s life would you abuse?
just because you are unhappy
and you reek of unhappiness
like bad perfume
but create on…
but you weren’t the first one
to write a book on “What They Want”
I am happy to be inspiration
for those with a pen
just sorry that I’m your inspiration
because honestly..you reek of negativity
pungent like how Cancer smells
just before it carries you away
to a different land

I know you will see
these words my fingers speak
I call a truce
because I desire peace
so continue to create
and scribble upon my face
it’s okay…
if it makes you feel safe
I don’t mind
I’m just not a fan
but I do wish you luck….
with all of my heart



And here's number 3....!! Good night...Blog...

It's a shame I don't have a title..

My soul
will be made whole
with my mate
where ever he is
and how ever long it takes
for him to find me
to cure this ache
that my spirit
is afflicted with
and that he will take away

My spirit
must be touched
I want love..
and from previous experiences
it’s something I’ve never done
all they have wanted to do
is “you fill in the blank” …….
and I need more than lust
and where ever he is
he’ll thrust all of his love
in the right direction
aimed, right @ my heart

My heart
is broken from a lover
whom I trusted..way too much
he wants me to be a scorned woman
but I could never be such
because what happens
is suppose to happen
and how can I be mad
at an uncontrollable dying love
all I can do I shake his hand
and say “Good Game”
because I’m a good sport

Good Game
is how exlovers
should look at love
because one fighter @ the end
of a boxing match is the winner
and only one team in the NBA
each year gets that ring
why can’t love be like that?
*Raises my hand*
because sometimes people
are afraid to let go
of Game O’ Love
and sometimes the players
just cant get along
after the love game is done…..

My favorite Summer Song

I’m what you want
I’m what you need
He got ya trapped
I’ll set you free
Sexually, Mentally...
Physically, and Emotionally
I’ll be like ya medicine
You’ll take every dose of me

Jeezy….

This is the best rap verse of 08'...I love this damn song thanks to Jeezy because after Usher married that ugly girl and had a baby *to hide his homosexuality I've got sources* I had to let go of my favorite RandB singer :( But I might have written Ush off too soon, because he was obviously smart enough to get Mr. Snowman himself to "make" this track..

I like it because I feel like Jeezy is rappin' bout me...when he is obviously not. Even though I have been in Jeezy's house, and met him before *one of my girls used to date him* I know that he's not, but it's almost like my girl called him and told him about what is going on in my life..and that's what he got.

I want somebody to say...

"I'll be like your medicine...you'll take every dose of me"

that is soooooo sweet.. don't ya'll think?

"Bad Man"

I was tagged by DreamyC and PCD...thanks guys

@ first I thought I wouldn't be able to complete this. But with the help of my handy dandy big ass IPOD *that has no video's or pictures, even though it is quite capable of performing such tasks* I was able to put my songs on shuffle..and this is what I got. I had a couple of mistakes where I hit the button twice, so it was messed up a bit. But here we go....


MEME Rules:


1. Put Your itunes/ music player on Shuffle

2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.

3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER WHAT!!!After you’ve answered all of the questions, tag 5 other people and then let them know they’ve been tagged to do the meme themselves!


1. IF SOMEONE SAYS “IS THIS OKAY” YOU SAY?
“Love Is Like Oxygen” Sweet
2. WHAT WOULD BEST DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY?
“Minute Made Mafia” Playa Fly
3. WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
“Testin My Gansta” Three Six Mafia *Haha*
4. HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?
“We all Die 1 Day” DJ Green Lantern *True*
5. WHAT IS YOUR LIFE’S PURPOSE?
“Immobilarity” Chef Raekwon *Who is Chef Raekwon?*
6. WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?
“Booty Call” Northeast Groovers *Wow that is soooo not my motto. Funny tho*
7. WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
“Shorty Swing My Way” KP and Envyi..*Probably all my guy friends*
8. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR PARENTS?
“Tha Hustlaz” 2 pac n 2 short *Dat's Right*
9. WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
“The Best of Both Hoods” Juelz Santana feat. Young Jeezy *Wow so true*
10. WHAT IS 2+2?
“OAR” Black Rock *Who and what is Black Rock?
11. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?
“This Ain’t What You Want” D4L * I would hope he/she wouldn't want me*
12. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
“Homies and Thugs” Scarface/Tupac/Master P *?????* *Do I like someone?*
13. WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
“Chilites” Toby *NOT MY LIFE STORY..WHAT IS CHILITES?"
14. WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
“Southern Smoke” Chammillionare *Um no*
15. WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
“Ticktock” Nas. F Alchemist
16. WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
“Lady Venom” Swollen Members *Probably*
17. WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
“Coming out Swinging” Eminem, Ghost Face and some more ppl. *Funny*
18. WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
“Shotoff” 901 Thugs *Haha*
19. WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
“Like That” BG *Don't make sense*
20. WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
“Many Men *Wish Death upon Me*” 50 Cent *At first I only saw "Many Men" and
I was like that is sooo not cool..But then I saw wish death upon me..and
that's prob. true.
21. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
“In Your Eyes” George Benson
22. WHAT SHOULD YOU POST THIS AS?
“Bad Man!” Murs


Disclaimer---- Foia did not program her IPOD. These songs in no way reflect Foia and her personal music choice.

06-07-05

Today 3 years ago I gave birth to the best thing that has ever happened to me.

She is beautiful, smart, and the joy of my life.

She IS the REASON I live.

This Morning

So this morning..I called in..said I would be late. I didn't have the mental energy....SEE POST BELOW.

On the way into work I was listening to V103 the Porsha Fox Show..and chile she had Khia..or ever you spell her name..ya'll know the nasty mouth rapper "my neck my back"..Anyway ya'll she got into w/ Porsha...She was getting into it with callers. So Porsha finally cut her mic off..and dismissed her from the show. Wow.

Anyway....

So now I'm in the elementary class room..where I want to be..writing this..and that..The kids are so chilled..so I can chill.. My last one just left as I was in the middle of my last sentence. Peace @ last.

I usually write during the nap time..but I just got a memo..that laptops aren't allowed in the classes anymore. = added depression.

Then my wifi at my house is down. My apt complex has it..but I don't know if they didn't pay the bill or what. But I'm really mad about that because I'm addicted to blogging now. I don't see myself being able to write in a notebook anytime soon.

1. Because I don't like my hand writing

2. Because I like receiving feed back.

3. Typing is just faster, and more in the moment.

So guys..if you are wondering why I haven't been posting..There are the reason's above.

So nonetheless, I feel like shit SEE POST BELOW. I know this shall to will pass, but damnit it sucks when you are in the moment.

I feel as if I'm stuck
Right here
In bad luck
What is the Universe
Trying to teach me?
What...
That it can only get worse?
That I'm no good?
That I'm put here to hurt?

I know if I weather
This cliche'...This storm
I will be a vessel
That will inspire
Others to keep
Living on
Even when it may
Seem as if
There's no way out
Of this hateful world
That makes you lose
Yourself...
And your control...

Mind's sore

This is terminal illness
For there is no cure
Popping pills
Is the only remedy
To clear this minds sore

You're dormant
Until you get ready
Then you pop up
and I think
My life is done
All because you..
You're impossible
To control
I want to kill you
Finish you off
With a gun..

Misery
Is what I feel
Now that you
Live with me
And I want you to move
I want to give you
A notice
And evict you
But that's not possible
Cuz you ain't going
No where
No time soon

Life's a beach...

First and foremost I have to say how ecstatic I am..that in my life time, I will see a black president! Obama is the man, and I’m so happy that Hillary can hopefully begin to move on with her life. I hope that Obama is smart enough to not ask her to be his running mate. She is an evil, power hungry, liar, who I don’t think will wait 8 yrs to get into the White House. Even though a Obama Clinton ticket is virtually unbeatable, I still don’t think it’s a good idea. I don’t understand why she didn’t run in 2004 up against Bush..the only thing I can think of is them *Clintons, Bush’s, Cheney’s* and who ever else that is a part of their camp trying to form the new world order. Anyway enough for my political opinion…Go Obama!!

So today..I look really cute. I have on a light yellow linen sundress. It’s fitted at the top, and the rest flares out. I love the summer because I *heart* sundresses. Anyway, so me looking cute should have been a start to an okay day. But instead I get to work with my heart set on teaching in the elementary classroom today. Since after all the “director” told me that’s where I would be yesterday.But noooo..I get in and she tells me to go with the damn nappers. I’m tired of nappers, they are so airheadish. Speaking of airheads I think 75% of the students here are missing a few things. For one thing their parents are too damn old bringing these babies into the world. 53 yrs old w/ a 3 year old..WTF? I believe these parents have no other choice but to pay more than a grand a month for somebody to work with their special ed children. Because they don’t want them to be in a regular school and have to go to a sped class. Anyway I know your like how are the special *F*..but that’s a whole different blog..and I would say you kinda need to be “here” to see them.

Anyway so yesterday I go on a field trip with the elementary class. We went to a man made beach down here. The water has chlorine in it, and they have sand, so it looks like a real beach. They have a kiddy pool with cute little mushroom water fountains. When we first get there I got into the water, but I wasn’t really feeling it because I wanted to lay out more than anything. So I splashed around with them for about 10 minutes then I go rent a chair, grab my Vaseline *ghetto* and sunscreen and lather up..and lay my ass down. I think I fell asleep, and woke up after about an hour. I get back in the water, and then it’s time to go eat lunch. We eat, then we went back to swim. The other teacher and all of the students told me I couldn’t just lay out..that I had to swim.

So there are these 2 water slides there. One the kids called “scary”. And this spiral one. I’m like let me see what this “scary” one is about. The first time I went, I went down without this little mat thing that you are suppose to use, but I didn’t know. Anyway there is this big dip and you shoot straight out. * I don’t like to swing, or roller coasters so I was thinking I wouldn’t be fond of this slide either*. And of course I go right under water, and water goes all up in my nose. I hate the feeling of chlorine in the nostrils, burns so damn bad. So the next time that I went, yes I went again. I grabbed the mat thingy, got on my stomach and came shooting out. I slid right across the water, something like a surfer. That shit was fun. So me and my students kept going over and over again. I had on a bikini. I normally wear shorts and a tee shirt anyway when I swim, but the lifeguards wouldn’t allow you to go down the side if you had clothes on. Nonetheless I felt too sexy to be on a field trip yesterday. So as I’m getting out of the water *alone* and walking up to the slide I hear.

“Ms. Ms.”I look up and it’s a girl who probably was no more than 15 years old and she was pointing. It took me about 5 seconds and then I look down and….

My boob was hanging out of my bikini top. * Wow* I was happy none of my students were around because I’m sure..everyone would have heard about that. I popped it back in, and proceeded once again up the slide. I felt like a kid again yesterday, because it’s probably been a good 9 or 10 years since I’ve gone on a waterslide.

Example of the speds- Jake..pale lanky kid. On the last field trip he fell off of the monkey bars and broke his arm. So on this field trip I give my little speech about how we aren’t going to break any arms, have any accidents on our selves, pee or poop in the pool, fight, cry ect. And does Jake listen…

Hell no..

He goes down the slide first. I watch him, make sure that he’s getting out of the way. He is when I decided to go. I guess he must have changed his mind, or forgot that I was about to come flying out. But he stood there, and when I came out..I took him out..My mat when all over the boys head. When he came above water I told him that he better not cry, because he should have known better than to stand right in front of the opening to a water slide. **One of the many examples of sped’s*

So now I’m in the classroom with these snoring children and I’m hungry..I’m going to try and write a poem. Have a good day bloggers.

I *Heart* Black

I love being black. I remember drilling that into my head when I was younger. For the simple fact that it was made apparent by other black folks *family, friends, hood rats* that I was everything but black. I guess since you can see my blue veins, and when I was a kid my hair was down to my ass. And black people just aren’t made like that. *wink*


My dad’s family on his mothers side totally ghetto. My grandmother died when my father was 7, so he was basically raised by his aunt, and my grandfather who was always away as a chef on the railroad. * I would like to think my Grandma was nothing like her sister *Anyway this aunt of mine..I was totally grossed out every time I went over there. Her house had the most pungent odor that I have smelled to date. She had roaches…. and bugs.. I hate bugs.. Then I had to eat over there. And get this..me and my cousins had to eat ALL of our food, before we could have anything to drink. Now that I think about it, that is child abuse. None the less I spent many days at her kitchen table crying because I couldn’t get up, while she sat and drank Martell and coffee..smoking Newport after Newport. I would tell my Daddy, and of course he probably went through the same treatment, so there wasn’t much he could do.

I recall one incident where her daughter Meon was outside at a picnic table cleaning catfish.*she has an eye that doesn’t quite look @ you, and is a little slow* I have tons of cousins and when I was at my aunts house I was never alone. That eased my pain somewhat. Anyway after seeing these scales flying off the table all day they expected me to eat the fish along with spaghetti. This day all of my older cousins, older sister, and dad were there, so they put the kids outside to eat. I was with my cousin Nikki *RIP* who was the daughter of Meon and who wasn’t quite right either. But that was my baby..she was a couple of months older than me, and we looked very similar. We were skinny tall little girls, with long thick ass hair. So we were leaning up against the car eating. Well I was attempting to eat. Then I started thinking of the conditions of where my meal was prepared, and the fish scales..and I just threw up!!! Yeah…pretty gross..

Even though my aunts house was in deplorable conditions and I hated eating there, and couldn’t fathom sleeping there..I still loved it because it made me feel black. They hung out in the front yard. They walked through the screen door. They played spades, smoked weed, and drank until early in the morning. My cousins knew all of the latest slang. And of course my Montessori ass was not in the mix at all until they filled me in. Sometimes they would mess with me and speak in the new terminology just to make me mad. I love the way we have our own language. If it weren’t for the Clark Family I wouldn’t be as fluent in African American Vernacular.
I had a couple of fun older cousins that would play games with us, that I know only black people play. ie smut, ni*** knock *where you knock on peoples doors and run* that was my favorite..stupid now that I think about it. But fun!!

So I bet your wondering about my momma nem’…Well my mother is totally pale. She has dusty brownish blonde hair. Her parents weren’t all the light, but my grandmother was a McCoy, and her siblings all had blue eyes. I’m guessing she got a lot of the McCoy genes. Anyway my grandmother being all educated and what not, and above being black, shunned anything away if it was too ethnic. Lawd forbid if I wanted to speak A.A.V over there. She wasn’t having it. My mother speaks very proper too, and when she would try to speak A.A.V..even though she’s better now..she still sounded a hott mess. I love my grandmother, but when I was younger I couldn’t understand how she could call the same people who were exactly like her nigger *or maybe not because they weren’t trying*. My aunt is convinced that my grandmother wanted to be white. I don’t know about that because she could have never passed. I just believe that she was extremely proud of making it..and she made sure that others knew that they hadn’t.

So yes my two family’s never hung out. EVER! I couldn’t image what that would have been like. My grandma would have been turning up her nose, and my dads family would have been talking crap about how my grandma thought she was all that.

Which brings me to this thought…there are so many different varieties of “black people” that can’t embrace each other. We are the only race that discriminates against each other.

“She act too white. She speak too proper.”

“He not black enough”. <<<<< What they say about Barack

I *heart* how we hardly ever make things plural when they need to be..

It is sooo hard to prove yourself in our community. It sickens me. But I will never turn my back on my race. Even though I believe if I wanted to represent another race..it would be possible. I get asked on a daily basis what I’m is..lol Get this..not even just by us. When I worked @ this particular club where a lot of Indians frequented they would come up to me speaking whatever they speak. And Mexican men always speak Spanish to me. I just laugh to myself.


I don’t think in my life time we will see any change within our community. Even though I KNOW it’s not totally our faults that we self hate, but it is on us to change it. I love the book “No Disrespect” by Sista Soljah it filled me in on how we were basically trained to be the way we are. But now it’s on us to fix what they broke…..

Something Terrible # 151

*BLESSES MY PAGE*

Something terrible..
is wanting something
that you can’t conceive

Something terrible
is wanting something
you know you need

Something terrible..
has no cure
it is a terminal disease

Something terrible..
has you to where
you’re soooo hungry
that you feel
the urge binge..
and over eat

Something terrible..
when wanting something
is far away
you dream of it..
something terrible
every minute of every
terrible day

because wanting..
something terrible..
is an aching sensation
that can’t be solved
without the missing variable
like in algebra
you gotta take your time
make proper calculations

I will wait for-EVER
when I want something terrible
I fight tooth and nail
I never give up
*brushes my shoulder off*
Bay-Bay I never fail

150th Post!! A celebration of me..the queen that causes other peoples jealousy

Now that I have “YOUR” attention..let’s get on with the show.

I know “Ya'll" are there watching…Hello!!

I can do this better in a poem.

Thank you
precious gem
for bringing all of “them” here
to mi casa
because you’ve just put me on the map
and I can’t begin
to thank you enough
for that

a production like no other
dealing with human emotion
you were the best producer
because you ran the show
so you thought..
but it back fired didn’t it?
the most you did was…
you pissed
a whole lot of people off
and you still didn’t get
“what women want”
and I get it..
because I DO
have everything you want
because, admit I do
or else you wouldn't
have behaved like a child
but that's what you do
you want to knock
me off of the top
and put me on the bottom
like you..
You want T..and you want Don?
or else you wouldn't
have figured that this would be fun...


…you think you are a gem
but you ain’t nothing
but a stone
I say that because
of what you did
you are typical
the one to “smile”/”comment”
in your face
you did exactly that
when you came into
my home and…
defaced it
you brought my child into this
when you know nothing
of how it really is
in Palmetto and Union City GA
Ms. Anonymous
ya’ll knew it was coming…
Bitch…
you are a want to be me
and of course..
Not!!!
because there is only one F.G.
since you always sniffing something
how does my shit smell
now that I’ve just shitted on you?
honestly…because I know you know
Ms.super nose..

and to your little friend
who added her two cents
and helped participate
in this little skit
you are fake too
here it comes again
Bitch..
you are not welcome here
not that you would want to be
because you are jealous…of me 2
admit it..set your self free
I call it how I see it
your name rhymes here
but I’m bigger than that
so they’ll have to fill in the blank

i couldn’t believe it
that it was ya’ll
two chicks that I don’t even know
ya’ll hope my life shatters
and it falls apart
but just watch…
because trust me
it won’t
even though you
will come quietly
I know you’ll be back
to watch me
my invisible audience
But trust me
I know you’ll see

sorry your little scheme
didn’t work
but I thank you for it
I’m not being sardonic now
if you wouldn’t have done this
then well…
I wouldn’t have become a star..
on blogger.com
and people would have
continued to be plastic
to the ones..
they claim to love
but secretly hate
and commit sins for
which is jealousy and envy
keep knock knock knocking
at the devils door

everything happens for a reason
and what a beautiful picture
that was created
when you scribbled upon us
b.k.a hated
this goes out to you..
Ms. and Ms. two faced
there is no blog beef here
I just say what I feel
and I already know
you ain’t gonna like it
cuz you don’t like me
but that’s cool..i found out your game
it took damn near too long
but it was worth it in the end
to find out what type of people
try to destroy lives
over the internet……

Expressions from *F* as my hair blows in the wind..

I can’t begin to express how I feel. That statement that begins this is scary, because never before have I felt like my words were gone. This whole ordeal turned out to be a positive thing because it gave me time to think..

I am..

23 about to be 24…

I am a mother..and a damn good one, because I CHOSE to bring her into this world.. I will never leave her behind. And where ever I go, she’ll be right there with me.

I may be categorized as “mentally ill” but I know I’m one of the elite. Because I take care of myself, and I know a healthy mind is a terrible thing to waste. I also know that some destined man one day will love me, and my crazy ass.

Picture this…

A woman..

take my face off of her body..

She sits in front of her tv. Wearing nothing but a bra and panties. He comes home to find her there in a pool of her own urine as she sat upon their white leather couch.This isn’t the first time, so he knows the routine. In his mind he knows, that her mind has vacated for awhile. She’ll be back. He knows this.

He gently grabs her hand, which is cold and shivering. He looks into her empty blue eyes, and feels no pity. For this is the love of his life, and he excepts the responsibility, to care for her..now and into eternity. He lifts her up, and carries her into the bathroom. Where he takes of her panties, and removes her bra. He sits her upon the toilet while he turns on the shower, steaming hot. Exactly how she likes it. She is starring @ the wall. He takes off his shoes. He removes his clothes. He climbs in first, then grabs her..and closes the curtain.

He bathes her. He washes her hair. He dry’s her off. Massages her with lotion, and dresses her for bed. Next, He gently and sloppily plants a pony tail at the top of her head.
He leads her to their bedroom, where he tucks her in. Takes her pill bottles out of his pocket, and distributes them into his hands. He suggests she eats a graham cracker so her stomach doesn’t get upset. She obliges, and takes it. She knows what’s next. She must swallow the medicine that will destroy her dreams of peace..

He stares @ her. She is still as can be..she is resting..sound asleep.

He loves her..with all of his heart.

Even though he wants children, living with out her wouldn’t be worth it.


Now back to reality *Me talking*

I know someone will love me, just like in the lyric above. I may be “mentally ill” but damnit why should that matter? But I already know anyone with any type of “disability” is looked at as less of a person. That’s cool, because trust me Bipolar is in..That means I’m in style.. ha! I am one of the great…and I know for a fact that all bitches except my dawgs are going to hate.. No though on a serious tip..If I fell in love with someone who was paraplegic and I got mad at him, what would I look like saying ha ha you can’t walk. Wouldn’t I be considered a bully and insecure with myself if I took his chair and hid it?
I have bipolar, but I’m an All-Star..

I will survive. This whole whatever just happened on blogger.com is funny to me. Trust is something that once it’s gone..it’s hard to get it back. I am the type of person though, shown through action..if I’m in the wrong, I bring it to the light. It makes my soul feel better more than it hurts to tell someone the real deal. I have a conscious, that’s why drama never was one of my friends. But karma is..but she’s a b!tch and we’re talking again.…..

I do not care..what people think of me. Just like then..in the cantankerous cold of Mich-I ain’t never going again* I will do me, and continue to watch the haters heads spin. I graduated with 55 people I believe. I was the non typical black girl..who for 6 years *2 including jr high..schools were combined* I was constantly tested on a daily basis. I would like to say looking back that is something that I am proud of. No matter how much shit they talked, or spread about me..I never fought back*Except once Tameka threw a gel pen at me and it cut my face,..It was over*lol..But really I never fed into their madness..I know that pissed them off more. I recall one incident on the bus. I was a senior on HS. The star of our girls bbteam..should have gone to the WNBA, but got pregnant @ 17 tried to fight me after a visit from a college. She talked about how she wanted to eat my face, up and how she was going to get me.

I stood up for myself that day. What made me spoke was her saying “I know what F be doing.” I spoke loud and clear. I remember what she said more than I do my reponse, but whatever it was it pissed her off. On the way back to the school she was in a rage, trying to get at me anyway she could. Of course I cried * a lot* but she never fought me, because I walked away. Jumped in my black 2-door Sunfire and drove away. In tears. I learned at an early age that black people especially the girls/women because I am one..are generally jealous, backstabbing, shit talking creators. I am the 3rd of my daddies girls..I was supposed to be a boy. That’s why I don’t have the bitch allele.

I will not let anyone hinder who I am..and who I am supposed to be in the end of this journey. Point blank. If I made it out of B.H. Mich. then I know I can make it anywhere.

I don’t need a man. To do shit for me, but help me make a baby. If he does so, that’s nice of him. I appreciate it. I would like to have a man..but need is totally different.

My cousins where I am from, most of them have baby daddies that aren’t worth a damn..and they still make it. In MI there are no jobs, and they still make it. My daddy paid child support, and you better believe when he came home from his house in Detroit, I was looking for his ass. And my daughter will be the same way. I will not take her or prevent her from seeing her father, because I know how strong and important that bond can be. I’m down here, and there is a plethora of opportunity. I will be blessed, and we will be fine.

I want to leave this place..blogger.com because it’s filled with cliques..and bitch shyt. It’s filled with betrayal and lies. I am free of this in my “reality life” except when it comes to..well..whatever. But if I have a choice, I choose not to deal with real life drama. My professor, said to me the other day in a phone conversation…He is a psychologist “Sometimes even when we know it’s best to let go of something that is hurting us, the human psyche won’t allow us to do it, even though we know it’s healthier”. My bones tell me that this is and unsafe environment.

I am sad that the person who first let me know someone was “listening” decided to leave the blog game. But I totally feel him..when your spirit is being disrupted. It’s time to go. My spirit has been disrupted for quite sometime now..and it’s time for me to go, in more ways than one.

And for the people who created all of this mess, going back emailing mis-information, my best friend karma will be paying you a visit. Not even so much the people involved in the “triangle”..the originators of this whole ordeal. You know who you are…

For now..this is me signing off..

*F*

Question?

Am I Beautiful or Sexy..or neither?

Because I thought they were one in the same..but men seem to think not.

Just me..telling about how im horny

I am horny
I need it
and I don’t ever
want to be raped
but I hope
someone would just
come and take it
because my hormones
are raging…

i have never reached
my sexual peek
hell I started early
a tender 16
I just played though
never really learning the game
now I want to be taught..

I have spring fever
but it’s about to be summer
and I want a man
who wants all of me
but now it’s spring
maybe I’ll settle for a fling

my mind needs to be fucked
that’s where it starts
if you can’t touch my brain
how do you expect me to return
the favor..
perform my Einstein?
I need conversation
that can get me moist
without the slightest touch

my ten are getting tired
and I’m bored
of the same ol’ touch
I want to feel the finger prints
of someone else…
if you are him..
speak up

No more babies for me..spoiled ones atleast

I think after today I’ve decided not to have anymore kids. I have been interviewing with this lady for about a month; I may become her nanny.*She hasn't decided whether she wants me or this other lady* Anyway today I kept her daughter, and my daughter. My daughter was jealous of the baby, and confused because she wanted to play with her. The lil girl is only 5mts, and she didn’t understand be gentle, and use your indoor voice. She wasn’t having it. Boy I am tired. This baby is spoiled. She has to see you at all times if she is sitting alone, which doesn’t really get to happen because she likes to be held. My kid was nothing like that. She did her own thing. I’m not used to babies that need attention every second of every hour. She is a lil chunky thing too, and I did yoga yesterday so my arms really hurt.

Then on my way back to her mom’s house we stop at Chic-Filet and I get a chicken sandwich and lemonade, and on my way into her mom’s house I put the lemonade in my purse. *Stupid* Because now my cell phone is ruined I bet. Oh well..I have the inkling to get mad, but I’m not..it’s just a phone. It’s just strange being w/ out it..

I’m cranky...veryy..

To Nafiza

One night, as my daughter slept and one of my favorite shows that isn't Greys Anatomy
was being ignored...Law and Order SVU. I was on my laptop google-ing "Bipolar" because I'm always interested in what is going on..new medications, news stories, ect. and I came upon your video. I watched it, and I choked. It was later confirmed by the Ryan Cameron interview with your boyfriend and sister that you have bipolar, and that you weren't on your medication. I knew it once the video was over. It hurt my feelings that no one helped you.*But you and I both know, that sometimes in those states it is hard to be helped, because "you" don't see anything wrong. I am from the ATL also, and just to let you know..you aren't the only one who "suffers" with this disease.

I say "suffer" because you don't have to "suffer" with bipolar. Unlike cancer, there is somewhat of a cure. Shawty, I know it is hard..but right now you have to open up, and swallow that shit. Opening up meaning: Searching deep with in to find out what makes you have mood swings. Searching deep and finding out what went wrong in your life, and how you can move past it.Finding the right therapist..I know it's expensive, but I know one of my professors who will do it for free.* He is a therapist/professor man* Finding people who understand..Maybe a support group. Psycho education *I hate that it's called psycho-ed* but it's nothing more than researching your "illness". It's going to be hard probably to find your "friends"..or who you think are your "friends"..around. Unless they truly care, they will vanish. *I have a few great friends* I love them. I am offering to be your friend, and help you through this.

Speaking of love, it is hard to find it in this world. It is often destroyed by words and actions that can never be forgiven or forgotten. It may be true that people will never forget you. But you have the final say in how they remember you. If I were you..I would come out with some type of statement..when you're ready whether it be youtube, or through a blog, news ect. I don't even know you my sistah, but I got mad love for you. I wish I could do math, because I would be a therapist..But since I'm not I'm willing to offer my support..and it's close..

Then you have to swallow your pills. If I never meet you, maybe some way you will read this letter, ask them to prescribe you Lamictal *seizure medicine/mood stabilizer* and Prozac/ or effexor. You need a mood stabilizer and depression meds to balance it out.They are the best, no real extreme side effects. And I know for a fact if the psychiatrist doesn't give a damn about you, they will give you the worst medication... Lithium, Risperdol,Depakote, Seroquel ect. So you have to find the right psychiatrist, and swallow the meds they prescribe. Til' this day I still don't want to believe that I have to take pills for the rest of my life, just to be normal,so I take it one day at a time. Enjoying the stability of my life when I take what's prescribed.

It's going to be okay. You will work through this..I've been video taped by someone who claimed they love me, and I broke their phone. Being taunted when you have to live with an illness that isn't shown any sympathy is hard to handle. People look at "us" like it's our faults. When in all actuality it's a combination of nature vs nuture. How the hell we grew up, and the genes we were given. Know that it's not your fault.I've had to learn not to let things get to me, to the point where I could be hospitilized/or in jail. You've probably done both recently, but you can bouce back. Know that. I know you're mad as hell. Probably at yourself, and probably at the world. There are people who support you...not only me.

I hope you take the chance to stand up and fight for "us". Don't let them think that's what we are all about. You are the poster child now for Bipolar. So if you want to, we should join up like super heroes and destroy the stigma.


I am here if you need me...

F G

badyellow@hotmail.com

Would leave my number but I'm afraid.

Reaching out to her

It is going to take a lot of work to help make the stigma of the mentally ill get better. I mean we are looked at as loose cannons waiting to explode. And sometimes our own family has intentions maybe of supporting us, but turn around and treat us the same way society does. If you saw me out on the street, you would have no idea that I have bipolar. Like I’ve said before, I don’t experience psychosis. Mainly just episodes that go from depression/ to mania where I may sleep too much, or not at all, and I also get really hyper. The only thing about that is that most of my cycles are rapid. Where one minute I’m happy, and the next I’m sad. But like I said if I didn’t tell you..you wouldn’t know. Because I keep everything inside.
I was just tipped off by some anonymous person that said they may know where to find Nafiza *the girl in the video*. I hope that they can help me so I can at least talk to her. I am going to take your advice Don and write her a letter, but I really want to meet with her in person. When my creator puts something on my heart, I can’t rest until I act on it.
I know Nafiza probably think the world hates her. She is a celebrity in her own rite now. Everyone knows about her, and most laugh at her story. I don’t see shyt funny because that could have been me. I know I hate taking my meds. I have to suck it up everyday and just swallow them. I think I’ve started and stopped my meds more than 10 times. Finally, I’ve been on them for a while, and boy do I feel much better. I’m off of the emotional rollercoaster, and I would love to help Nafiza get off of hers. Time is relevant, either it will happen or it won’t. But I hope it does..sooner than later.

Google sucks

I am a very caring and loving person. If it is in my power to help someone I do it. I am totally hurt behind this whole girl on the marta train thing. That episode has shaped everyone who saw the video opinion of people with mental illness. I want to reach out to her. After all she is from GA. Right here in Decatur where I work. With a little investigating I found out her name, and her moms name. *Got it from a news site in ATL*. So I tried to google her mother, to see if I could get a phone number..But nothing. I really want to try to reach this girl. I want to tell her that everything can be okay. I know the world has basically turned on her, and I’m sure she feels like she has no way out. I don’t know why but my creator is tugging heavy on my heart to try and reach out to her. I don’t know how to go about it though…But I hope that I do..Any suggestions?

Coming...

*****I know that I write more than probably anybody that I've seen on blogger.com. But I'm treating this as my notebook..and I would write like this..if it were it..




here I come again
gushy schmaltzy
all over my page
an explosion
a discharge of stress
I come over
and over again
leaving a stain
that is nothing but
a nut…
in text
saying what she’s got to say
I have no timing
sometimes I come fast
sometimes I come slow
but the only thing that matters
is that I must finish first
first before I forget
the most important
part of me
….my words

I speak them out loud
when I fuck..
my keyboard
or notebook..
My words reach
out and touch
my most sensitive parts
the deepest depth I can go
Inside….
my words make me shiver
my words get me high
then when it’s over
I want to roll over
and sleep
because writing is a release

All up in my Shyt!

People, People, People
Have stopped amazing me
People never learned to
Actually drive throughout life
They just hop behind the wheel
Without even acquiring
A learner’s permit
And start driving
Like they are drunk
Bobbing and weaving
Hoping to bump into
My vehicle
Pretending they don’t see me
But they do
I am in front of them
But they imagine me
In their rear view
So they speed ahead
And jump in my lane
And then I get pissed
Then I have something to say

I don’t dip
In other peoples business
Unless I’m welcome
Unless I was invited
But people these days
All up in other peoples
Kool-Aid
Without realizing
That it is bitter
Without realizing
There is no sugar
There is no additive
That people can give
When they are
Not welcome
Into other peoples
Business

Be patient baby

So I can’t force it. My “rhythm reflection” writing aka poetry. I don’t like it when this happens. In the past when it has, I go dormant for a long period of time. I am content. I have to be to be out in this world that doesn’t mean anyone any good. I am content knowing that one day I will be where I want to be. I will be where I am supposed to be. My grandma got married and pregnant @ 16. She didn’t graduate high school until she was in her 20’s. She had nothing growing up, and she made sure that I understood that patients is a virtue. She went to college and graduated I would say in her 30’s. My grandfather raised my mother in the beggining of her life, because she was working and living out of town to go to school. She was a social worker, and she was good at it.
I remember when I would be with her at her house, mainly at her kitchen table. *She would sit there and read*. That’s all she did was read. That’s where I get it from I assume. Anyway, she would tell me stories about how when she was little *she had numerous brothers and sisters* my great grandparents had nothing. It hurt her pride that when she had to go to school that she had to borrow crayons from other kids. You know that knot that you get in your throat when you hear something you don’t want to hear? Well her stories made me choke. Her antidotes always brought tears to my eyes. Her life wasn’t easy in the beginning. She had to struggle. She walked..and she walked everywhere she had to go, until her steps lead her to where she stood..until she died.
She made sure we had everything. She is the reason people call me spoiled. She is the reason I don’t believe in the word “no”. My grandfather died 4 yrs before I was born, so basically she held it down by herself. She was beautiful. Not just on the outside *because she was gorgeous and flyy. She could dress her behind off* I know I get that from her. She had a wonderful spirit. People gravitated to her. I see a lot of myself in what she was. She didn’t put up with nonsense. She was very intelligent, and made sure you knew it. She went to every continent except Antarctica and Asia. A well seasoned woman, and even though I haven’t traveled the world yet. I have the interest to because I want to walk in some of the places she did. She really didn’t have any female friends. When we went on our vacations she always had her male friends show us around. She warned me somewhat of the evilness that lies with in ourselves. *women* How jealousy and envy can ruin love, no matter how you cut it. She taught me not to trust too many people..even though I don’t think I really got that lesson until now.
I was just thinking of her a lot today because it seems like I won’t be graduating until I don’t know when. My tuition is due tomorrow, and I ain’t got it. I know it took her what seems like eternity to get to where she dreamed to be. But the point is..she got there. She was a real McCoy *you know the one’s from Tennessee*..and I have their blood..and they were no joke. So I will make it, no matter how long it takes. I am just going to enjoy the ride..praying not to get nauseous.

Yeah I got this one out in the end..

You held me first
You told me
I felt like warm clay
You washed my
Jet black hair
August 8th
12:00 pm..something
The day I was born

She didn’t touch me
Until after you did
Even though I hatched
From her egg
You were the first
To feel me breathe
And to hold my hand

As I grew older
I looked up to you
Understood the struggle
Didn’t understand how
You made it through
All of the pain
That life ached you with
Without popping pills
Because of being deemed insane
Without doing drugs
Without drinking a thing

Such a strong woman
I’m proud to have your genes
I wish you could be here
To see my baby
And not be buried
With her ultra sound pic
But she looks like you
Especially her hair
Straight like yours
And curly at the ends
But I know you are looking
Down on us
You were an angel on earth
But now you’ve got your wings
Willie Lee
Such a strong name
You were such a lady
Thanks for helping
To shape and mold me
Into the woman I am today
And for showing me………
That you really never
Stop growing
and for telling me
"Be patient baby"

Sleeppyyyyy..

So I’m trying to write myself to sleep
flood my blog
with all the words
I water it with
hoping it grows
before I decide to cut it down
recycling it back
and let someone else
claim poetry noir
on blogger.com

I wish I could rid myself
of all of the negativity
surrounding me
if it isn’t evil women
who deserve to be called bitches..
and they are not down one’s either
The bitches with the gene
it remains to be the same
that a man if he ever get’s in your pants
is no longer cool
if his hands aren’t allowed to explore
the privacy he thought he ruled

but when the rules to her house
have been disrespected
it is hard for her to open up
and let him in
once the doors have been closed
to him..
once he’s been banned from home
that’s it

he flips
he loses his mind
thinking possibly
that another man
will one day
explore her body
with his finger tips
and enter her
charted city
darting it w/ his graffiti
covering up what
art he left
scribbled upon her walls
failing to realize
she doesn’t want to see
him spraying new walls
but sometimes it is best
to change colors
to paint a prettier picture
but she won’t lose it
until she finds another painter
she has her 10 fingers..

A big ass pill to swallow

I hate swallowing pills. So yeah I’m up feeling terrible, and I’m done swallowing pills for the day. So that means I won’t be taking any cold medicine...my daughter is at a slumber party..and I’m home alone feeling anxious. I’m not used to sitting still that’s what it is. Especially at this time of night, on the weekends of course, so all I can do is write. I used to be addicted to my notebooks. But I really like to type everything now, because it’s faster and a whole lot neater. Plus I don’t have to hide them from unwanted viewers. People pick up my ish and then get mad when they don’t like what they see. I tell it how it is…even if I’m in the wrong..which leads me to something I’ve done wrong..a big pill I had to swallow..

My grandma’s only son, my uncle married my aunt. My aunt couldn’t have babies, or my uncle couldn’t, one of the two. So they decided to adopt a baby. I met her when I was probably 3. I held her..I actually remember the day I met her. I held her with a pillow behind my arm. I don’t forget much..Anyway, as I got older..*Not much older ppl* maybe 6 I found out she was adopted. And get this, she didn’t know that she was adopted. I was thinking at that age..okay why tell me this..Such an enormous secret for a child to keep to herself..and away from her cousin..

How it came out wasn’t in the best of circumstances. I remember being 12..and she was 9 and my uncle her daddy was dying of cancer. We were playing outside @ my house. Her parents, my mom and our grandma were there...and I don’t know how it came up..but I just blurted it out… “ You are adopted”….then of course me being a kid I tried to take it back with saying “I’m just playing”. I don’t remember if she ran in and told on me or what, but I know my mom said had to face my dying uncle in the face and tell him that I was sorry. Sorry for spilling a secret that I had no business in the first place knowing. Then I got my ass beat..all over that backyard on Columbus St. Wow….

Now as an adult I can’t imagine adopting a kid, and not telling it where it came from. And I couldn’t fathom telling some kid daughter, cousin, niece, or whatever that one of our family members is adopted..but shhh don’t tell them because they don’t know. That was a hard pill for me to swallow as a child..and I learned then that harboring secrets will kill you. I remember being around her for years..knowing something about herself that she had no idea. And back then I had no idea that she would ever know. At 12, I knew I did something very wrong, but in the same breath at least my uncle died knowing that he didn’t die lying to his daughter. He died knowing that she knew where she came from. I hate that I had to be the messenger, but they say everything happens for a reason.
When I saw her last she was in contact with her birth mother. She has a daughter now herself, so I know her mother’s are enjoying that baby in their lives.
I feel uncomfortable around my cousin now though. Mainly because we haven’t talked about how she felt about me breaking the news. I’m sure this conversation if it happens at all.. We will probably be in our 50’s or 60’s or something. But I hope we do have it. I know I hurt her, but I would love to tell her that I didn’t do it to be mean or spiteful, but because I felt she needed to be given a piece that was missing from herself. ****I want to send this to her..what do you think?*****

Doesn't she look happy?

The land of the ass and no face…

Me and I won’t mention who were talking about a situation that went down..that is really juicy, but I don’t really feel like going into it..because I don’t think it’s worth talking about. Anyway..it brought us to the subject of asses. I am a girl..and I know I am not gay, but sometimes if I see a nice ass I acknowledge it. Usually to myself, or if I’m w/ some of my guy friends I might point it out to them. Anyway me and 2 of my peeps were talking about ATL being the land of the ass, but no face. One of my peeps said that if a girl has a big ass, then her face is usually jacked. And if a girl has a pretty face, she usually doesn’t have an ass. I believe I fit into the second category. And I can’t help but agree with her. I used to have an ass..and a face. Wheew back in the day of E.C. and the freshman 15..boy was I thick..and I was loving it..Until I noticed one day sitting on my bed in boy shorts @ my apartment in MI that my ass was sitting behind me. Of course I made some life style changes, and got skinny again. Then I got pregnant, ate sloppy joe’s and tacos..and anything involving ground beef..and got fat again. Then I breastfed..and got skinny again..and I believe this is where I will remain for a long time..because no matter how many carbs I eat..I can’t get the scale to say more than 112..and this is for 3 years now. Boy..anyway..so in the land of big ass, no face..I will be satisfied until I can be a face/w an ass..lol We call it Nasatal..No ass at all..lol

I am restless
and young
everyone here
on blogger.com
is a star..
in their very own
soap opera
and it is my Dynasty
to write
the stories
which I call my life
but am I willing
to show them
to a world that is dim
when I’m looking
for the guiding light
and I’ve only got one life to life
and I don’t want to end up
in general hospital
fighting for my life
because I wasn’t smart enough
to stop it..
but I am..I know when to stop jogging
and slow down..
and begin walking

And when..
Passions fill the room
often when I enter
men stare
because they want
all my children
to be theirs
because I’m a bad bitch
a brown young Erica Cane
Gotta up my skills though
because she doesn’t care
who she claims
she believes love is a game
F’s brothers fathers and uncles
if they’ve got more than change
they can take her to bed
and they’ll be screaming her name
from Pinevalley to Dallas
everybody knows Erica Cane
and pretty soon
They’ll know my name



Yeah I was bored..and I just typed and this is where this lead me..

Miffed

I am miffed right now…by many many things. And yeah I’m back.. For now atleast.

*I love sushi..I will eat it 7 days a week for every meal if I could. I love it so much. So anyway I found out that Kroger makes sushi fresh everyday. So I got off work yesterday early. It was a nice ending to an okay day. It was teacher appreciation day and some of the parents brought food. When I walked into the teachers lounge yesterday I did this little jump because I love to eat. They all say I have a tape worm because every time they see me I am shoving some food into my mouth. So anyway I didn’t go to the Kroger by my job because I wanted to get back over to the side of town where I live, so I could flat iron my hair. *I was looking a hott mess** Anyway to make a long story short, I went to the Kroger by my house. And darnit..there was no fresh sushi. Then it dawned on me that I live in a predominately well behaved chocolate city, and work in a mixed area.. And of course we all know black people don’t eat sushi. *Yes we do people..me and my friends are proof* I was pissed off because…well I’m sure you know why…
** Then yesterday I go to get my nails done after I found out that Kroger didn’t have any freakin sushi..and the guy who has been doing my nails for 4 years..since I’ve been down here..wasn’t there. And the other people in there are not allowed to touch me. They have been known to mess some stuff up. This one lady one time waxed my eyebrows and then put alcohol on them AFTER she waxed them..which left me w/ two big ass burns above my eye..I was pissed..but I didn’t hurt her…. I was in need of an eyebrow arch but ming-lee was not about to touch me. That’s her name forreal.. The girl who normally does my pedicures and eyebrow arch was there last night..I found out today. O well.
*** Then I had to drive all they way out to no mans land to this lady I met on a photo shoot who is a make up artist so she could hook my brows up. Driving annoys me. Then once I get there..Her three mannish boys kept saying how much they loved me and wanted to marry me. I thought it was cute at first, but it got to be too much when she had to yell at them while using a razor on my face..
**** After that I start to get dressed to go out and I my throat starts to tingle..and then it begins to hurt. I had to pin point which one gave it to me..Ta Dah! I know who it was..Samantha..yellow bouncing ball..she couldn’t have it @ school..so I took it..put it in my pocket..took it out and was playing catch by myself while conversing with the other teachers at recess..she has a terrible cough…she is the culprit. I will make sure I let her 3 year old self that she got Ms. F sick..Now I’m in bed feeling like I’m coming down with a fever.
******Then I go to the park where I want my daughter to have her party..and there is no picnic tables there..only grills. So now I have to figure out how I’m going to get maybe 2 tables and I don’t know how many chairs to the area I need them @..
****Okay and what is the Governor of Ga Mr. Sonny thinking!! Passing a bill that allows people to carry concealed weapons..ANYWHERE!!
********Then I don’t want they guy who helped me make her to come to the party. I don’t want any drama. And Lord knows that if I am alone with the people at the party..there will be none. I feel that she needs to enjoy her party without worrying that her parents are going to fight…I’m not doing this to be mean or spiteful..I just want to have a peaceful party. We will celebrate with him..probably on the day of her birthday.
************This is for later on because I know he will have soooo much junk to say about the comment above.
**************I am also miffed that a certain someone who knows who they are..can be so malicious and say certain things just because they are hurting…and then expect me to be okay with it. My dad was the same way. He would cuss my mother out..bring up old stuff from the past..call her a whore..bitch..this and that..Throw her out of the house..and then expect her to take him back. Of course she did more than once..but I remember I think I must have been in 1st grade when they finally split. Wheew.. I will not put my daughter through that. It is not right.
*****And that brings me to..I’m miffed that I found myself in the same type of relationship that my mother and father had. My mother was a young buck..and my daddy had numerous years on my mother..and of course he was a control freak..and freaked out when he found out he couldn’t control her. But my mother was strong..and with the help that he gave I believe I turned out to be a well rounded young lady. With the example of how to move on…
***********And lastly..I am miffed because I just forgot what I was about to say..Oh yeah..I am miffed because I really want to delete my blog here. Because everywhere I go I see him. And I really don’t think being involved in this whole blogger life is good for me..when negativity is the paint that is used against my canvas. But a few people have said encouraging words..Ya’ll know who you are..and I appreciate it..I really do. They believe I have something powerful to say..so for right now..as of today..I am still here.

Last One...It's hard to say goodbye..forever blog

one step at a time jones
all any one can do
dont be so hard on yo self
be optimisatic
May 9, 2008 11:37
And this is what he says..But the he throws it back in my face. I don’t get it. You don’t love me. So just like I’ve been doing, I’m staying away. I will NEVER AGAIN read your blog. Mark my word. I cross my heart, and hope to die..because just like always, you tried to get me to get upset tonight…and got more aggravated when I didn’t. You always yell… It’s a shame, that things aren’t going your way. That you aren’t stable enough to act like you’ve got some damn sense. That’s why one day my perfect dick..will fit perfectly…and I’ll probably even suck it…until he cums. Because you don’t deserve me, because respect for me..you have none. And here comes a cliché.. what they say..you never miss what you got till it’s gone. And I dipped so long ago..giving you time to fix what you got wrong. But it’s like you never learn. You just keep on doing the same shit..even though you know that you’re wrong. Oh well..I pray..and my spiritual guide *God* has me..and there is nothing you can do to hinder me from getting to where he wants me to be..

Haunted

I will put my life
above my child
but she is my life
she’s my entire world
I will live my life
so I won’t place blame on her
because she isn’t a reason
for me to stop living
and she’ll be right there
next to me
both of us…
smiling

I have nothing now
just like he said
take it all bitch
one of my favorite lines
from my favorite movie
“Center Stage”

I have nothing
just like he said
but I have her
the only thing worth keeping
that you gave
because you can take it all
what ever you think you gave
because you are controlling
and if I don’t have shit of yours
you ain’t got shit to say

The babysitter
told me
she said nothing of the sort
about me cussing in front of her
So who's the liar now?
because cussing it’s something
I don’t try to do
some times it may slip…but nothing like this…

I held her in my arms tonight
while you screamed
“You should FUCK me”
but I won’t TOUCH you
because you are tainted
with something…yuck

so what I tried to kill myself
Evilness prompted you
to bring that up..right?
I was trying to escape that hell
that I felt
when I slept next to you
because your spirit is ugly
it’s darkness
and it’s consumed you
and if I stuck around
it was gonna get me too.

So what I have bipolar
Ya’ll check his comments
he claims to be supportive
such a contradiction
how can you explain
turning it around
and tossing in my face
my condition
when most likely
you are suffering from something
and you are just in denial
and that’s crazier
than anything
I’ve got going on

Yes I planted myself
in the middle of the road
about 2 years ago
when I believed
with you I was stuck
and I had nowhere to go
I wanted a truck or car
to strike me
right in your front yard
and leave you in your tears
as you cleaned up my blood
and gathered my body parts
and collected my guts
but why tonight
would you bring that up
to hurt me huh

So what if tonight
I decided to take my life?
How would you feel
if I wrote an elaborate note
detailing how I would come back
and haunt your house
and how you drove me to this point
by trying to Britney Spears me
trying to take custody
of something I gave birth to
when all you did was fertilize the seed
Think about that
because if I’m so crazy

I may just leave you in this world alone
this cold cantankerous world
like a never ending timeout
for adults
you will have to think about
what you did
and what you could have said
or done
just to prevent
what you caused to happen
except it or not
because like I said a couple
of lines up
my memory
I know…it will haunt

......

Yet again I always surprise myself. I was looking at another revised schedule for the project I’m involved in next month where I get to play a 17 year old girl who does major drugs, falls in love with this boy that she goes to school with in rehab, and then kills herself. She comes back in flashbacks…You gotta see the movie to know what happens in the flashbacks. It’s funny that I’m about to be 24 and people tell me all of the time especially if I’m in like jeans, a tee and flip flops that I look like a teenager. I guess it’s just my baby face. lol
Anyway “Boys of the Wrecking Crew” is wrecking my plans for my daughter’s birthday. Her birthday is the 7th of June, and on that Saturday I am shooting. I am annoyed, because I had my heart set on having her party on her birthday. Oh well I suppose, but it’s going to be hard for me being away from her on her b-day. I emailed my homie ex-critical thinking professor, and told him her birthday is blah blah blah..And he sent one back saying that part of the schedule hasn’t changed. Right there is how I surprised myself because I had been looking at the schedule the whole time, and that date went right over my head.
And then me being an actress. Ha! I laugh at that because acting is something I never wanted to do. All of these other people in the movie really have dreams of making it in Hollywood. I have the largest girl role, and I hope I can pull it off because he’s put a lot of money into it. I don’t want to ruin it for him. I am the opening scene. Plus I’m sure some of the other aspiring actresses would love to play Leah. I can’t say that I would have a problem with giving it to one of them. I think the problem would be that B my prof. would be upset with me. I didn’t even have to audition for the part like the other actors/actresses had to. He claimed that it was my charisma and outgoing personality that he saw in class was what told him I was right for the part. I admit I have a very outgoing personality, and can be quite goofy but the scary part is doesn’t know how bad I might be. The movie doesn’t have many girls in it anyway it is called “The Boys of the Wrecking Crew”. So I have to represent.
Speaking of representing I think I half-way know my lines. The ones I know I think I sound stupid saying them. Then I’m the only “brown” person there. That used to be a normal thing for me (Me being the only brown girl in my dance classes) (Me being the only brown one out of my group of friends in MI). Not anymore…The A is chocolate city. Yum! My college campus I would say is predominately A.A. We always outnumber other races in our classes. I have one white girl friend now who I am really close to that I go to school with now, when I am used to having many. Anyway, I just feel extremely out of place, and usually when I have that feeling, I usually am out of place. Then fear comes in. I try to drill it into my soul that I should not fear anything except *God*, but fear is my worst enemy which brings me to…

A beast
the devil sent you
to come and destroy
the young, the old
the already stone hearted
and those who
could be fooled easily
into acquiescent cold
cantankerous fear
sets in deeply
and once its there
dun dun dun
it never disappears
unless you’re the one
holding on
and afraid to let go
because it is a brute
it’ll choke the shit out of you
leave what you call your life
fucked up…you lose
because trepidation is a killer
that is serial
and has to be caught
you can’t run away and fall
run carefully
because if you trip
what happens in the movies
dun dun dun
you die
and that’s exactly what happens
when you let fear set in
you lose
and the devil wins…….

Now if only
I could take
my own advice
To go to fear rehab
and detoxify fear
from my life
I might have
a fighting chance
at achieving my dreams
because fear ain’t gonna
get me nowhere
only leaving me to
silently scream….
at what I let go
my dreams will fade
into the air like smoke
because thought I was too weak
to shake fears hold…

Research the race of the child you're adopting people!!

I believe adoption is great. There are a lot of kids out there who need good families. My best friend, all of her brothers and sisters were all adopted from different countries. My BFF is from Korea and I believe her older brother is too. Her youngest brother is from China I believe, and her younger sister is from Brazil. Their parents are white, so they have a very diverse family. Speaking of diverse families…This little boy that goes to the school I teach at is adopted. His name is Beckton. He has a very affluent name, but it doesn’t fit they way they care for him. His parents I believe have maybe 7 or 8 adopted kids and he is the only African American child. So when I first started working here I noticed that his hair was about 3 months overdue of a hair cut. It was so nappy shawty, I decided to comb and grease it one day. All he kept saying was “ouch, ouch.” That day when his parents came to pick him up, his teacher told me that he said “Ms. F combed my hair”. Then the next day at recess I told him to tell his parents that he wanted a hair cut. Do you think they took him? Hell naw! Basically I got tired of looking at his damn head like that so I wrote down this number to a barber shop, and finally handed it to his father. About 2 weeks later he came in all lined up w/ a fresh cut.
I hate being ashy. I try to avoid it at all cost. But us black folk know that dry skin is just a part of who we are. Beckton has eczema, and do you think his parents attempt to put lotion on the boy? Hell Naw! Yesterday we were out at recess and he had on shorts. His legs were white matching his white tee shirt. I couldn’t take it, so I went inside and grabbed some lotion. I made him rub it all over his body. He looked so relieved.
It pisses me off that they pay 1200 a month for him to go here, but they have him looking so raggedy. I know that the tuition here is expensive, but that is no reason to have him looking like a slave.
People if you are going to adopt, I say do research on the race of the child you are going to adopt. If I was going to adopt a white baby, I am going to do research. I already know they don’t need oil in their hair, so I wouldn’t attempt to put it in there. I don’t know why his family didn’t talk to black people and find out what he needs. Like lotion and a comb to his head everyday. I take that back, his other teacher who just quit said that she told the family that he needed lotion. I guess they don’t care..

Poem of the day..Just me typing away. Not recorded in my books. Me not giving my words a second look..

My body is in need…
I am a major bitch
because I am in need of
DICK

not just any DICK
I must pick
it has to be just right
not too small
and not too big
not too skinny
and not too wide
a perfect DICK
that fits perfectly inside
my body…

this DICK
will not hurt me
or leave me
battered and bruised
he won’t try to
massage my back
from the inside
because he realizes
that shit is impossible
and would be just
plain rude
if he did so
because it is a hole
but there is a barrier
of how deep
DICK will go

this DICK
will always wear clothes
when he visits me
because I can’t deal with
being with him naked
not unless we agree
to make a baby
This DICK will listen
to me and the rules
I have declared
for my P****
But until I find this DICK
I will continue to feel like
BITCHY

It was a very happy Mother’s day for me. My daughter (really her daddy) bought me two dresses that I can’t wait to wear when my legs are shaved. We went out to breakfast where the child who makes me a mother showed out. She talked in her outdoor voice the whole time. She kept wanting to get out of her high chair, and of course her daddy let her. She made a big scene and had quite a few people in the restaurant looking at us.
Then we went to this festival thing that Atlanta has every year where I ate garlic shrimp, and rice. Yum! It was good. I just started eating shrimp again after about 2 years of having a taste aversion. It was hot and windy out there, and my hair was blowing all over the place. Of course she cried the whole time because she wanted to walk. But just spending time with them today, made all of the fussing seem unimportant.

Then I drive back to my apartment, and put her down for a nap. Now it’s my turn just as soon as I say this…Happy Mother’s Day to all of the mothers out there.!

Meet the Browns

So I finally saw “Meet the Browns” yesterday at one of my girls house. She gets every movie on bootleg. So those of you who haven’t seen it, well I won’t spoil it by sharing the premise of the movie, but I will share something that I did not like. The opening scene or maybe the second scene is of Angela Basset and this pretty Latina girl sitting on the bus. And I can’t quite remember what the Latina girl said, but Basset replied “Girl you know you can’t be doing that with your condition”. Or something along the lines of that statement right there. Anyway, I figured I knew what condition she was talking about, so I waited for the movie to confirm it. Sure enough, the girl is Bipolar on the movie. She was constantly cussing folks out, throwing rocks, smoking weed, and threatening to burn buildings down. Jennifer Louis is also in the movie and she has Bipolar. I wonder what she thought about how Tyler portrayed a person with Bipolar?

I thought he is presenting the same stigma that I (and every person who has good sense with mental illness) fight to knock down everyday. My feelings were kind of hurt because I’m sure now that a lot of people in the African American community who have seen this movie will believe that his portrayal is completely accurate.
Everywhere I look..The news, tv shows, movies..there all talking about Bipolar. I’m wondering if all this talk is really helping the situation of how people view those with mental illnesses.

And another one...

http://www.breitbart.tv/?p=93373 Radio interview and http://www.breitbart.tv/?p=93283 Video. MY LINKS DON'T WORK..SO PLEASE COPY AND PASTE..I was surfing the net and came upon a radio interview from V103 Atlanta. It was the Ryan Cameron Show, and the sister and baby’s father of a woman who is bipolar were talking with Ryan about an incident involving the woman on the Marta train in the “A”. She has on a red A hat, and a half shirt cussing out an old lady. She is shouting out to Jezzy and even trying to free style. She does the “soljah girl dance.” She accuses a boy on the train that she says is from Glenwood shawty of raping her. She starts screaming and approaches the guy. Everyone on the bus is telling him it’s not worth it, because he wants to knock her out. He stands up anyway as she proceeds to yell, and smacks her in the head…her hat falls off. She freaks out, and wants her hat so she can go. The video is over 3 minutes long. It was heart wrenching. Her family was telling Ryan that she isn’t on her meds and that she is not like that. The mother of the woman called the police, and the woman was detained. She is now in jail, which is not the place she should be.

Anyway, people don’t think that mood episodes are real. Or that maybe someone is faking it. If you see that video, it is real. I wish I could reach out to her. But I’ve learned something out in the world of bipolar, and meeting other bipolar people..some of “us” are just so far gone, that sometimes there isn’t the ability or desire to enjoy human interaction. Meaning some of “us” not including me, can’t form relationships, or suck at them. Bipolar can be so bad that one loses the ability to be able to care for ones self.


I met this girl when we were both “sick”. She was black, and beautiful. Everyone who had to be “stuck” together for 72 hrs happened to be young adults. Anyway, I always observe my surroundings so I can write about it later, so I noticed that black beauty was starring off into space all of the time. I was thinking to myself “I’m glad I’m not on what she is on”. Thank my spiritual being aka God, for blessing me with a doctor who actually knows what she is doing. And thank God that I don’t really have any serious side effects. Anyway..after about a day I talked to her. I found out her name was Allison and she was 22. She lived with her parents, and didn’t drive. She never had a kiss, and she had never been on a date!! I was thinking *makeover*!! But no… her hair was cut, and I thought it was cute. I later found out that she shaved it all off in a fit of rage. I hope I never get that moody because I love my hair. Anyway..as I talked to her more and more I realized we were two different parallels. I tried to make a connection anyway. I gave her my number, and wrote her this inspirational note when I got out before her. *she was in before me* I even called to check on her when I got free and they said she wasn’t doing well. So of course I never heard from her again. I hope she is okay though..

I don’t know..Everyday I gain strength with this “disease”. I have always believed the crazy people are the ones who don’t take care of themselves. I do everything in my power to make sure I am good. I have had times where I wasn’t medicated after I figured out why I was so depressed all of the time, that I had mood episodes. Now that I am medicated I can actually say it helps. Unmedicated me would have laughed at that statement. People that know me through my past lover will probably see this some kinda way. Then my mom and my whole world one day will be privy to this information. Each day I am tiptoeing closer and closer to being okay with that. So I tell myself.

Tonight the girl in the A hat who they call soljah girl is in my prayers. I pray that she takes her meds, and I pray that she gets better. Because it is possible, just because you have this situation doesn’t have to hinder you. I know it won’t bring me down, it can only make me *cliché* make me stronger….

Cbs 46 news
but i prefer abc
I’m watching it
because they are doing
what I am waiting to do
I am watching to see
how they separate
their emotions
from the stories
they present

there is an albino girl
who is from Zimbabwe
living here in the A
she had a fight
with her sister in-law
now her family hasn’t
seen her in days
and of course
she has to be bipolar
now everyone is thinking
“another one is loose,
crazed and traveling
in a daze”
I hope she finds her way home
and didn’t give up on this
F-ed up world

Poetry Noir

I’m changing up
showing the world
my face
I was hidden
like M.J’s kids
under a blanket
but now you can see
the flesh behind
these words
i’m introducing
myself now….

I like to be private
it seems that’s exactly
how I like it
people will now
be judging my face
Not just judging what I think
but here I shielded myself
from the bloggee’s
because I don’t think they respond
if you wear a mask
because they want to see
who exactly “you” are
but if you didn’t know
I’m one of the many….stars

you don’t have to look far
because I am dark
I call it poetry noir
Venetian blinds
go vertical
in the dark shadows
of your mind
you will find my words lurking
because they are strong
something like a shot of whiskey
I’ll get you drunk
I’m all you’ll need
so step into the darkness
and let me help you see

.......

I’m at work, on break sitting in the dark in the break room. This place has a melancholy aura lately. Almost all of the teachers are quitting, and I just gave up my spot in my classroom because I “thought” I was going to summer school. And as of right now it’s not looking like I’m going to summer school. I will still be teaching, but not in any one particular classroom. Which I’m fine with because the lead teacher I’m working with now is kind of wacky. I think she dropped too much acid back in the 60’s. She wears socks with the same sandals everyday. And get this they are magic because when it rains they never get wet!!

Anyway…I am kinda down in the dumps. The economy sucks, and I am feeling it. I am confused as to why Hillary won’t drop out of the race. She is really annoying me, jeeze. I am hungry right now and I don’t have any money in my budget to buy food. I ran out of lotion and shaving crème a couple of days ago. So now I’m walking around with an ashy body, and hairy legs. I have a headache now because I am hungry. I’m about to try to take a quick nap, so I can be rested for when I have my class by myself…

random

Today was horrible
yesterday I forgot my
underwear
and I was wearing
a skirt
luckily sometimes I
surprise myself
I had an extra pair
in my purse
for a day like this
it wasn’t a thong
which I prefer
but anything
is better than
going bare
when working with
little kids
because just my chance
one of them would have
lifted up my skirt
and said
“Hey you don’t have on any underpants”


today I found out
that my
mom’s
cousin’s husband
killed himself
he lost his job
had medical aliments
and took the last shot
that he landed
it landed him in a box
that will become a part
of the earth

suicide is so poetic
it leaves its own tainted legacy
it’s so intrepid
to go out like that
one must be ready
because the ones left behind
are preoccupied with thoughts of “you”
when “you” thought “you” were
doing what was best for “you”
it’s a polar problem
should “you” live just so “they”
can have “you” around?
or do “you” die to end the void
that you feel
as you walk around on earths ground?

Tomorrow…
will be different
can’t speak on whether
it will be pleasant
all I can do is meditate
on the feeling that
everything will be alright

999.00

I want to gather up
a gang of my friends
instead of throwing up
GD signs
and crypt walking
we will have signs that say
“Donate to Foia 1 dollar
to help pay her tuition
because she needs 999.00
for two classes
that she wants to take
in the summer”
I see “homeless” people
everyday in the A
asking for change
as people sit at
intersections
waiting on the light
especially in the
West End
Lee St. lil dudes
stand out there
without tee shirts or uniforms
claming that they are a football team
just seeing if they can get some change
at least their donation this time
will have a purpose
it will go towards
my focus……..

Thanks @ Don for the inspiration word..that inspired this....

pain has a purpose
I keep trying
to convince myself
of this notion
but I would rather
have a cut or bruise
than to deal with
emotional or mental
Anguish..

I don’t cry often
I write habitually
Even though…
I wish I could
get wet from ear to ear
maybe that would help
release the water build up
instead I drench
pieces of paper
to let my words cry

pain is pleasure
I can’t explain it
it’s like getting a piercing
I’ve had more than a few
unlike tattoos
their easier to remove
pain isn’t always permanent
if you don’t deal with it though
it will come back lurking
twice as bad
should have dealt with it
when you had a chance
should have found some therapy
to release whatever it maybe
because pain isn’t forever
unless you continue to live in it
presently…..

I know about pain
to be the year of the Jordan
I’ve seen a lot of stuff
to be only 23
but the pain
only burnt me up
and left me with scars
but I am still here
to show others
how if their strong
they can heal like me
Never put bandages
on scars
you have to let them
breathe…

Unhappy with yourself

if you are unhappy
with yourself
what is the first thing
you’ll do
to ease your hurt
lash out at others
so they can also taste the dirt

if you are unhappy
with yourself
what is the second thing
you’ll do
to ease your hurt
you’ll do what
is natural for you
whether it be..
Screaming
Cussin’
Drinkin
Fightin
or
Druggin
You’ll do it all
just so the others
are being dragged through
the same mud
you soak in

If you are unhappy
with yourself
what is the third thing
you’ll do
to ease your hurt
Come up with excuses
to make yourself
seem justified
hope that everyone
around you is
just as miserable
when you need
to let the tears
you feel
cry

Because the fourth thing
that happens
when your unhappy
with things you can
change in your life
is well…..
Guess…
you _ _ _

everyday I write
I’m learning how to let go
how to let my words be
and I thank them for setting me free
a cliché I know
but besides cantankerous
cliché is my favorite word
and to be creative
I have to give up my sense
of being wrong
some famous person has their name
after that quote
don’t know who he is
but I saw it in a note
probably waiting for a reply
well here is part one
part two will come next time
still pondering over wine
because a parents unlived life
must be damage to a child
that’s why I write
to remember my life
One day my mind may be jaded
Who knows when I’ll be gone
This is my favorite thing
How can I stop my creative growth?
Just because I’m afraid
Of what my “invisible audience” might say

Invisible Audience

An invisible audience
Is what it is called
In Psychology BK
When teenage “girls”
Think that they are
The center of the world
That all eyes are on them
Starring, and never blinking
Reliving their every downfall
By pressing rewind..
Memories of their mind

An invisible audience
Isn’t always so invisible
There are actually people
In the audience
Who pay admission
Just to see you do bad
They actually bet on it
They sit back and laugh
And torture you
Have you wishing
You wouldn’t have
Tried to act
Wish you wouldn’t
Have signed on
To be apart of this cast

I had an invisible audience
I know exactly what
Piaget was talking about
Every teenage girl does
Because girls constantly
Run their mouths
How could their not be
An audience
When the main topic
Of Discussion
Is us
Every teenage girl
Across the Globe
Can feel what it’s about
Someone always watching you
Waiting for you to F up

Animal suicide

sometimes I think
birds, squirrels,
and other woodland creatures
play Russian roulette
with their furry lives
I know they hear
I know they see
My big SUV
driving right down the road
then they dash out
RIGHT
in front of me…
I know they must be scared
I know I would be…

and one time I saw
a chicken
trying to cross the road
He was at the stop sign
walking right in front of me
yet again in my SUV
so I blew the horn
he still didn’t budge
he wanted to take
his sweet chicken time
I imagined him on my plate
baked
seasoned with lemon and lime
LOL I’m just playing
he finally crossed
but now I know why
the chicken crossed
the road
because he was lost
and trying not
to be food

Every time
a animal
dashes for my truck
I pray
that it eats four leaf clovers
and has good luck
because the animals
volunteering to commit suicide
they just dash out
waiting to be struck