I'm back!!

I had to step back for a minute
So I could properly
Put on for my City :)
I’m a Supa-Nova
Waiting to explode
Haters get ready
Cuz I’m good for putting
On a show

I’m a lioness
A true Leo
At heart
A protector
And a nurturer
But if you cross my path
And leave your scent
Where I roam
More than once!!
I’m bound to pounce..
And sneak up on yo ass
Remain hidden
Yet, very diligent
ROAR!!
Really loudly
Just to scare

So please leave me alone
If you seethe Negativity
Because ya’ll know
Lionesses don’t do nuthin’
But hunt and sleep…
So if you don’t want
To be my meal
Keep the drama to ya self
Ya dig

Just thought I would let you know
Who the star is you gaze @ from afar
I’m down to earth
But people would
Like to see me be dim
When they know
I’m too fucking bright
To be from Venus
I’m an alien to Earth
Searching for Mars
But there’s no life there
And it’s too far

I am honest
I’ve fucked up
More than once
But I know
I’m a good student
In this school called life
Now, I don’t have a 4.0
Because sometimes I forget
To revise my notes
I forget to pay attention
To the most important
Lessons that I’ve been taught
But that’s apart of this school
Learning how to get up
After failing
After dropping out
More than once
I had to realize
School life will always be here
Until I die…
So I’ve learned to suck it up
And study those dreaded notes
Attending my detentions
Excepting my In-School-Suspension
Sitting here right now
In my desk
Prepared…
Waiting for Lifes next test



Yeah... I am very very very tired people!! I think I'm going through menopause or something early because I've been having these hot flashes. Mainly at night..I'll wake up and my tee shirt is usually soaked..and of course my flat ironed hair is sweated out..so it becomes curly..I've slept for maybe 4 hours each night all week..So I don't know if what I just wrote is even coherent....



You can't make yourself feel love

If it's not there

You can't in anyway possible

Force yourself...



Sometimes the perfect picture

Is right in front of you

Your eager to buy it

But after your purchase

You realize it's not quite

Exactly what you wanted

So you decide to return it

Because you couldn't

Stand the sight of

The Art you once loved

Not one minute longer



That's what love is like

One day it's daylight

The next day it's night

But the most important

Thing to remember is

There is always another day

Another love...to treasure

Then to throw away



**************************************************************************************************



So.... nice to meet you femme

I'm a girl who wants to be a boy

Always rockin Tims and a tie

On the streets they call me

Sir Swerve

Because I go down so good

Yeah..it's true what you heard

I'm that one who does it better

Than any boy

and even though

I want to be one

I'm still a girl



So what about that

Let me turn you out

Show you what these studs

Are all about

Got me all on your jock

Got me wanting to

Take off my bra

Drop down my boxers

Tie your wrist

To the bed w/ my tie

Lick you all over

W/ my tounge

It's not natural

But it's almost the same

W/ a strap on



So what about that

Lil sexy ma

I heard you braid

Come braid my hair

Let me talk to you a lil bit

And maybe you will

Come around

To letting me do

What ol' girl

Writing this

Mentioned above....





Hahah...okay..I have always been baffled..as to how a chick could want another chick who acted and basically wanted to be a boy..If they wanted a boygirl..why wouldn't they just get a boy? I think lesbianism should consist of two beautiful females loving each other..I'm sure most guys do too..Huh? Ya'll wouldn't want to see two studs going @ it right? And then what's even more confusing is how two studs can get together...I see it all down here so I just observe..



I hope I entertained ya'll tonight...gave ya'll a lil bit of variety...



Have a good Friday...

.....

Hey guys!!

Thanks for all of the support. I will not post your comments this time, because I know some of you are riding both sides of the fence..but thank you for the kind words.. Ya'll know who you are!

So yeah I gotta get on the phone with comcast because my internet has been down for a couple of days now..So that's why I've been absent.

I know will have a lot of catching up to do for the blogs I visit..

I hope everyone is having a good day..

I'll holla when I can..

HIP HOP VS. America

I really like this Hip Hop VS America show that BET is doing..

First of all..I grew up 'watching' MC Lyte..I saw watching because I was probably 3 or something but I remember being with my older half sister listening and watching her on videos..

I really didn't like the first part though. They had all of the male rappers up there..making a bunch of noise. Just like most of them do in their music..

The second part is pretty interesting. I am watching it as I am writing this...

I believe that Hip Hop isn't going to change..

Like Wayne said "Money, Cars, Clothes, Hoes...I'm from the ghetto so give me my.." Most of us..who didn't grow up in the "Baldwin Hills" saw some ish growing up. I know I did.

I saw girls @ 14 w/ babies. It was cool to be "fast"..is what my mom used to call it..

There were no jobs really where I'm from so there were a lot of drugs, lots of junkies..

Lots of girls looking to get a dope boy..

I've seen blood on the streets after somebody got shot..

I've seen a lady's hand that was almost severed in the projects..her man did it..

I've seen people start drama just because there is nothing better to do..

When I was little I used to give my cousins in the projects my "real money" in exchange for their food stamps..Back when they were paper.. lol.. before I knew what the "project" were..I thought I would go there and see all types of experiments..Ha!

So this is reality to people who grow up in urban areas. That's why most of the art of Hip Hop artist rap about all this grimy stuff. Some of them are fakes.. haven't experience what they rap about..

If they haven't they should rap in second person.. They should never say I..

I write all of the time outside of myself...I watch and observe..so I can write about it later..

We have to separate the two.. Until then it isn't going to change..

And as for the "video models"

It is a good job to have. I wouldn't mind having a gig or two..Depending on what it is..

I would def. pick and choose...but my ass isn't big enough.. That's what's wrong with Hip Hop right there..

Would I show my ass if I had one on the front of KING..Hell yes..lol..but I don't so that is just a fantasy..

Anyway..I pray for HIP HOP..because I feel like it's left me..when it actually helped raise me..

The Quietest Relationship

I've been wanting to do this post for sometime now.

I really don't talk to much about relationships. Mainly because I'm tired....physically and mentally of relationships. I am exhausted to the point where I'm unsure if I can begin to focus my attention on anyone but myself. Men are in question to me now. I am watching and learning from my male friends. I always have been one of the boys. A pretty boy they call me. I can maybe count on one hand the females in my life that I would call a friend. Of course I am taking note of the relationships of the females in my life. But my boys..like I've said before..man I love them all.

Me being one of the boys is the reason why I don't fall prey to those guys who have an ulterior motives. My boyfriends who I always tell that I don't have many female friends..and that I will sometimes go hang out with my guy friends...the boyfriend always says that the guys who are just my friend...always have a fantasy in their mind that they will one day have me. I've heard it time and time again...and I'm thinking am I really that deal for them to be trippin like that?

So this leads me to what I really wanted to say...The cool factor in a relationship between me and my partner is very important.

If we can't laugh and talk...there is no point..

"The most important part of a conversation is silence" Some lady on BET "Hip-Hip Hop Vs. America"

I talk..you listen..

You talk.. I listen...

I will hang up on you in a hot minute if I feel like I can't get a word in...Or in life..walk straight away because I do not like to argue longer than 1 min.. It makes my chest tighten up.. I don't think people should interrupt each other. It's called respect.

Then here it is...my whole point..and I have the best example..Over used..But the best...

What ever happens in our relationship..should be between us..and only us..

I do think there is an exception..if you are in therapy..because it goes no further than there..I don't even think relationships should be discussed with "close" friends..because people knowing too much of the business..is not smart..because people talk..friends or not..

Jay Z and Beyonce- Since the beginning have never talked about their relationship. Sure we always saw them together but we never knew anything. To the press they were untouchable..

Now back to most peoples reality..where there is no paparazzi following your every move.. In your relationship you tell it all...

You smear your partners name in the mud. And what's missing like in the US Weekly magazine is the truth. Privacy is the most important part of a relationship I believe.

Beyonce could be a man, she's not, but my point is we would never know.. Jay's feet could reek..but we wouldn't know..

So here is my question..

Would you stay with a person... In a relationship..

Or even be able to be cool if your not in a relationship...

With a person..

Who told all of your business..and like "writers" take your story and twist it to fit their emotions or views? Who only told one side of the story..Theirs..?

But then let's take it a step up..since my example is B and J..

What if your business and the relationships business is displayed all over the place..on the internet, in books, in articles..ect?

Stranger...

I have been gone for a few days...


I needed time to take in....


The nonsense happening around me... * I have a lot to write about* This post isn't it..


This is a very passionate subject....


My child...


I know half of the blog world thinks that I am a bad mother... and quite frankly I laugh at that thought.


And if you don't know..


I could care less what people think of me..


Because the people who sit back and judge me..


You have no idea...how much I love...my baby girl...


If that is you. Please take a look in the mirror.


*Disclaimer* I do not put my babys girl business out for the world to read. I don't put pictures of her up..because who know's hands they could get into. There are sick people out there, and I want to protect her from that. I won't put her name out here. Though it already is. Even though her image has already been viewed by I don't know who. But that wasn't my choice. I choose to keep her away from the life of the internet. That is of course until she can read/type..and make her own decision to desplay her image. One of my mentors who is a writer and has children conciously made a decision not to write about her children. She didn't want the world to be privy to their childhood. Some things are meant to be private. But this one..I couldn't hold back*****


I have a deep, in touch intuition.

My motherly instinct are so intune to my child. * I wake up right before she does EVERY TIME!! I haven't slept through the night in almost 4 yrs..you gotta count being pregnant** I learned in psychology that response has something to do with our hippocampus. **

Anyway...


I went to work early Thur. and got off work early.


Something was telling me all day to go to baby girls fathers store.. to pick her up..


I didn't call...


The element of suprise..


You always get caught when you aren't doing what you are supposed to do..


Traffic was bad anyway on my normal route..so I had to go through the city anyway.


I get to his place of business...


I notice cups of beer as I walk up..sitting next to his broke down friend.. I say broke down ya'll cuz that's how he looks. He was there during business hours so I was assuming he didn't have a job. I was upset because they were drinking around my daughter. I couldn't see them drinking apple juice.


So I go into the store and yell over the blearing music.."Where is 'name of my daughter?"


"She isn't here...I needed some more tags so she went w/ Angela and her husband to the store"...


"What store? And who are Angela and her husband. Don't let her go with just any body. I don't know these people"..I was fucking pissed..


"Angela watches the cash register when I'm not here. They went to CVS..They'll be right back".


"Oh." I walked out side..and sat down in one of the chairs. Livid..

I'm looking at this little bitty poodle tied up..


"Who's dog is this?"


"Angela"...I'm expecting a 30ish-40 year old..


I waited for about 15 minutes and CVS was right around the corner..and I'm like where is my child..?


"Do they have her car seat?"


"Yeah they in my car"...


"Well can you call them please?"


So he called...then he's like why don't you just leave her here. I thought you said I could keep her tonight? Blah Blah Blah.. But he obviously wasn't keeping her because she wasn't with him then.


No answer..


I felt hurt and betrayed because I don't never have let her be with random people.

I'm pissed...


Then I see my daughter walking with a balloon hand in hand with a "chick" no older than me. First thing I'm thinking is where is the husband??? Cuz I know that "racist word" said Angela had a husband. She didn't have a ring on..yes I looked when she got close enough.


Angela and my daughter were at the other corner crossing the street.


When she gets in distance to where I'm standing. I take my daughters hand..


And say " I don't let my daughter go with strangers. And I would appreciate it if you wouldn't take her with you any more. Please don't let me see or hear about this happening again. Nothing against you I just don't trust people with my daughter that I don't know."

How often does this chick drive I'm thinking if she didn't have her own vehicle and had to use his rental car? I'm sure she isn't on his insurance and what if something would have happened. HELL NO!!


Okay..first off...


I know ya'll are thinking ohh she's mad cuz her child's father is probably messing with the girl who he claims watches the cash register for him and takes our daughter and his son to get food and stuff while he's busy..


Not! If he is.. I would be excited. Because maybe he would stop focusing on me so much.


BUT I'M MORE MAD THAT SHE WAS WITH SOME CHICK WHO I KNOW HE DOESN'T KNOW FROM EVE.


I wouldn't have been mad, maybe a little concerned, if she was with maybe his friends wife that I've met before but what was he thinking?


I WOULDN'T EVEN LET PEOPLE HOLD HER WHEN SHE WAS A BABY..SO SHE HAD SEPARATION ANXIETY FOR 2 YEARS WHERE WE COULDN'T LEAVE HER.


I know deep down inside that he knew that I would be pissed off about this..

Now people I'm going to throw another twist in here. Bugs in GA are like terrorist. I hate them. So I try to stay away from areas infested with bugs. I have never had a tick latch on to my body. But my daughter has had 4. She is only three. She did not acquire these festations around me because when she was 24mts when she had her first one I didn't let her go outside. And if I didn't find them no telling what could have happened....

I know he will probably read this. I don't care. He doesn't comment anymore, but I know his eyes are watching. I think he is an excellent father* but when it comes to hygiene he doesn't have it. She will not be subjected anymore to filthiness.

She should never be put in the hands of strangers. My daughter has never been in a car with one of my friends alone. She's been with her babysitter before..but bump that other stuff.

So people am I wrong for not wanting her to be with that random girl?

Am I wrong because I feel that she shouldn't be subjected to possibly fatal insects *Lyme disease*?

Music Tag

"List seven songs that you are into right now. No matter what the genre, whether they have words, or even if they're not any good, but they must be songs you're really enjoying now, shaping your spring summer. Post these instructions in your blog along with your seven songs. Then tag seven other people to see what they're listening to."

1. "Love In The Club "-- Part 1 w..just Usher and Jeezy....

then he has a Beyonce, Lil Wayne, TIP remix..then he got one with Kels.... All I know is that I love Jeezy's part..YUH! "I strongly doubt this velvet rope would hold me up..and I don't want security rolling up on us" Beyonce...

"And I don't want to stop..just because..all the people in the club is watching us..I don't give a damn what they say...It's the remix babyyyy!" Wayne

2. "Keep On Dreaming" Lyfe.. this song touched me.. As you can hear it is on my profile..

3. "Put On" Okay! I know..I know..but Kanye's part..

"I feel like it's still ***** that owe me checks... I feel like it's still bitches that owe me sex..." His lyrics are soo funny... Plus the beat is hot....

4. "Take A Bow" Rihanna- my bad if I spelled her name wrong..But girl is jammin... "Talkin bout girl I love you, you're the one..this just looks like a rerun..Please..."

5. "Wonderwall" Oasis" "Just maybeeee you're gonna be the one that saves me..and after alllll you're my wonderwalll"..

6. "Drive" Incubus "Sometimes I feel the fear of uncertainty stinging clear..and I can't help but ask myself how much I let the fear take the wheel and steer"...

7. "Spotlight" Jennifer Hudson... "Are you a guard in a prison maximum security..is that you? Do you stay home all of the time because you want me to yourself..is that you? ".......

Okay...I got a couple rap bangers...cuz ya'll know I got a lil bit of she thug in me..lol

I threw in some throw back joints..that will always be my fav..Oasis..and Incubus

A couple man bashers bangers..... Go Ri Ri N Jen..ya'll got spins w/ me..

I don't buy CD's unless I go to Old Natl' and hit up the bootleg man.. 5 for 10..man.. I haven't been to see him in a long time though..

Okay I tag...

Stupid Sonny Purdue

We'll thanks to your Governor Sonny Purdue Atlanta we will now have mentally ill people running around even more than now with out any help*Thanks to his budget shift*, while everyone who is "licenced" can carry guns in public places..some that serve alcohol *Thanks to this ridiculous gun law that will go into affect pretty soon here folks..Sometime in July*

Wow...

I wonder sometimes how people like Bush and Purdue get into power?

Money... They have it all..

And love taking it away from people who need it the most...

6.6 MILLION dollars was shifted from mental health care to fill other holes in the state budget..says the ajc..

There is nothing I can type that will change this...

But I'm sure we will see the affects of both of his decisions...

*****There needs to be an age limit in such elections..because the older men get I say men cuz they tend to mess stuff up..when they have political power..I think the more they make stupid decisions.. We will be in for it ppl if McCain gets elected..He's headed for the nursing home..****

Just Curious

I've seen her show maybe twice....

While watching I was wondering about the state of reality tv... anybody can be a reality tv star..

It is addicting...

But Tila Tequila is about chick above searching for love...

She is bi sexual...

And to me she looks like an alien in the face... but her body is attractive..I wonder if her ladies are real?

When I was watching it last she narrowed it down to a dude and a girl...

This had me wondering...

If all women are curious?

Lyfe

Okay ya'll..I know you're going to miss DJ Bad Yellow aka Foia's play list for a min..But I really need you to listen to this song by Lyfe Jennings called "Keep on Dreaming"...

I heard it this morning on the Steve Harvey Morning Show while driving to work..and it made tears come to my eyes..

You know how certain songs can tug at certain strings..

Well...Lyfe..this song applies to my Life....It does ya'll..

What do ya'll think? Like or Dislike? Please listen very carefully...





***************************************************************************************************

Okay..I've heard that my blog isn't on the track that it's suppose to be....

And when I asked this person what that meant...

They said that I'm supposed to be a mental health advocate...

I'm like yeahhhh... so...

And I interjected..I don't want to be like one of those people who's blog I read that have a mental illness..and that's all they focus on.

Bipolar indeed is a part of me..A very small part of me.. and a part of my blog... but it doesn't outshine what my blog is about..

I think I would get on peoples nerves..and would be a one sided writer if that's all I talked about...

Anyway.. I will throw splish splashes in there every once and a while...

**************************************************************************************************
This urge
I've had it
Since birth
A throbbing
Natural..
Given to me
By Mother Earth

This urge
Millions of people
Feel the way I do
Closing their eyes
With a person
Wearing the same
Type of shoes

This urge....
An adventure
In every sense
Of the word
I have yet
To explore
Rocks or mountains
I have never been
To the great outdoors
But I'm planning
My get away
One day soon...

**************************************************************************************************

If an ex still brings up old stuff from your past relationship..and constantly tries to aggrivate you..and is always negative..and constantly has something ugly to say about you..and ALWAYS argues even if you are trying to tell them that the color is red not pink...What is happening????

3 Part Series...

So my mom left this morning. She changed my whole apt around and I would like to say I think she did a fine job. Baby girl came in today when her father dropped her off sleepy, but wondering if Nana left yet. She looked out our back door to see if she was sitting out there. I thought how sweet..

I miss her a tad bit even through all of the madness. We do have fun when we just chill and hang out. When we don't talk about any controversial topics like religion.

She admitted to me that she was stressed out extremely..and that's why a lot of things happened that shouldn't have. She doesn't want me to do the same to baby girl. I wont...I promised myself that before baby girl was even conceived.

So today I got pooped on by on of my students baby sister. She is so juicy..big ol ham hock legs..and beautiful blue eyes. She doesn't come visit much, but when she does come to get her older sister who is 3..the mom or dad lets me hold and snuggle w/ her briefly.

So the mom came by the elementary class room and I'm sitting there bored making a bracelet and I see her big ol cheeks smiling @ me..

I run and grab her.... We walk to pick up her older sister and as were walking back down towards the office..I thought I smelled something..But baby poo doesn't really stink..it has an odor but it's hard to describe. So I thought maybe she just passed gas.

So I lift her up a bit admiring her baby thighs and I see green stuff all over my sweater *I'm cold natured* and tank top..Her mom was freaking out..and I'm like let me go change her!! I told her to go get her bag..She didn't..I guess she may have been embarrassed...but I saw no need in the child driving home leaking shit. Plus 2 minutes before she just asked me to baby sit for them? Why Wednesday?

I wasn't mad..I just haven't ever been shitted on. Literally before.

****Lying to yourself****


How can a man/woman
Tell lies to himself?

How can a man
conjure up false stories
and expect people to believe?
In what he says....
When he creates
His own truth

How can we trust
In all actuality
The truth he claims
That is blue..
But with almost no
examination...
Is found out to be red...

What is a man thinking
When he creates
These alternate realities?

Does he actually believe
The stories that he is telling?


****** Your Voice******

I am lonely
I want love
I want to be touched
I want to hugged
I want to be yours
In a bed of red roses
We'll toss in more than lust

Slippery Slopes
I yearn to explore
I'll slide all over the place
Always holding on
To the thought
That I might..
Just might...
One day make it to the top

I want to learn
I want to know
I want to memorize
Every inch...of you
So I close my eyes
Tracing the outline
Of your face
Because that's the best
I can do
Because I've never heard
Your voice

The New Guy In My Life..

Okay...


Today, started off a little bit frustrating to say the least. I don't like people who contradict themselves. If you preach about somebody doing one thing, and then you turn around and do the same thing..is very irritating to me. How can someone tell lies to their own self?


So nonetheless I had a therapist/the best shrink in the world apt...this morning..and I was running 5 to 7 minutes late as always and of course people down here can't drive. So I almost got killed a couple of times.


So I get there and my shrink is wayyyy late. I'm assuming she was dealing w/ a crisis, because she's never late. So I get in there and she wants to talk but they buzzed her for my 11:30 apt so she just asked me a couple of questions. She told me she was proud of me and how I'm handling things. Got refills.. And went to get the new guy to introduce me to my new therapist.


I stopped seeing my previous therapist. We sort of hit a brick wall so I decided to switch it up.

Just some back ground as to why I started therapy.. cuz maybe some people wonder.

Back in the 80's- but more of the 90's in Benton Harbor where I grew up there were a series of gruesome and grotesque murders that were totally random. As I child I lived in fear.


*When I was in the 3rd grade. Winter Break. My grandma was coming to spend the night w/ me and my mom. I had a desk in my room and she was moving it so we could fit a bed into my room for my grandma. As soon as she walked away a bullet came through the walkway where she put the desk. *I hid under our Christmas tree shivering while my grandma and my mom dealt with the police.** Should have been in therapy then but....


*When I was 13 some guys broke into my house *AGAIN OVER CHRISTMAS BREAK *that I knew from down the street* And I was home alone. My grandma lived one street over and I was on the phone with her scared to death. I screamed at them once they entered "what are you doing here" and they took off running.* THAT SHIT...MAN..HAD YA GIRL ON EDGE! I'm really not fond of the X mas holiday.


So I got into therapy after that because trauma had basically moved in w/ me. And was the worst roomate.

My first therapist Marla is obviously a woman because of her name. She was cool and had unconditional positive regard. She was in training so I imagine by now she is awesome.

Anyway my mom is all crazy..and wanted to ruin my teenage years and I was not having it. So we fought and fought until I got my way and she let me grow into BAM me. So by the age of 16 she let me do me..but before that you better believe she was trying to make the courts deem me incorrigible...because she beat me one day yall so bad..that I did the ultimate no no. I hit her back.. And we fought and we fought..and she called the police...and they took me away in front of my whole block....So then nothing happened but making me go to another therapist.

I don't remember her name. But I remember that she was a young pretty white girl. Not that race matters but I figured I would give you guys and image. I didn't see her long..

Then...I grew up *so I thought @ 16* But me and my best friend K.K..got control. Partied Partied Partied non stop in high school. I had the time of my life. Went to college. Mellowed out. Dropped out. Got engaged. Had a baby..Lost it..and now I have to deal with this volatile relationship that is between me and baby girls father.

So therapy again..

Kat. She is wonderful. We were having too much fun though. I couldn't really get to my issues that I want to figure out about men.

She suggested last year that I see this therapist who is a older man...She told me he was cool and that I would probably like him. I do. I approve.

I just got this new fly Andy Warhol bag. Yellow w/ Elvis on it. He noted it. I was like wow..this old guy is hip. Anyway so we talked and talked non stop for a hour. He told me that I'm very intelligent and it seems like I'm dealing w/ things well. He told me the reason why I attract older professional guys is because they see beauty and intelligence. I still refuse to believe that I am beautiful. I know on the inside yes. But outwardly..eh?
I know that I am really smart. I also know I can't or do not posses the ability to do extremely stupid hard math. Who actually made that stuff up?

Of course we tried to figure my mom out. We decided she was traumatized too..and if you don't deal with things properly they manifest into other things. He said it sounds like because of what happened to her that she wants things to appear perfect that's why she points out things that are apparently wrong with others. He said it sounds like she has gen. anxiety disorder.

So yeah...I approve of new therapist dude... very thorough. He's the new guy in my life.

Color Spectrum

I close my eyes
And I picture you
We are on
The same planet
Venus….
I’ve never been
But you’ve touched the sun
I’m fearful
I’ve stayed on earth
Frequented Mars

Two arrows flying
On the same path
But here where I stand
It is gloomy
And my feet are planted
Sinking..into this wet sand
And I dream of rainbows
Rainbows that lead me
Straight to you
My pot of gold
I dream of touching you
I dream of having you to hold
I dream that the rainbow appears
And that it leads me
Straight…..

to you

I want to climb mountains
With you
I want to explore your mind
I want to be your drug
I want to get you high
But until then
Until it stops raining
Until the sun shines
Until the rainbow appears
I’m right here..
Gazing into the sky

Family.. blood is suppose to be thicker than water. Isn’t that how the cliché goes? So why do families betray each other? Okay, I had an awesome childhood as far as I’m concerned because I was involved in extra curricular activities. I wonder how much money they spent on dance classes? *2 ½ until I dance my last and final dance 06-02. I was 17..*Another place I learned to release my emotions.* We have a summer timeshare in the Bahamas for a whole month, so I was used to doing nice things w/ my mom and Grandma. But on the other hand, I had to deal w/ some real shit. That left me feeling like..How could you do..say..act like this when we are family?

Okay so here is my disclamer for this before I go too deep.

As I’m writing about my mother* Which I haven't done on blogger..would like to keep this shit @ home..but I needed a release.

..I know that some things that we went through aren’t Kodak memories, but I feel the way I feel for a reason. I will write the good bad and the ugly from both sides. One thing that I do know is that I WOULD NEVER ASK HER TO READ MY BLOG. Because there are some things here that I would never want her to see. Let’s forget about Bipolar here for a minute, but why wouldn’t want to hurt her by my words. That’s like saying “Read my book. It’s about you, the whole thing and it’s the nightmare which is your life and what you’ve done to me”. THAT RIGHT THERE IS NOT LOVE. Talk shit about a person, and then ask them to read it. Sick and sadistic if you ask me…

She knows that I believe for the most part that her outward appearance is an embarrassment to me. And yes some of her comments have always made me uncomfortable. She has low self esteem I believe. She was violated more than once in life, and I'm sure that had to left some psychological scars. But she is my mother, and the creator gave me to her. So it is what it is…

I tell her all the time to drink water, and put down the ample diet cokes that she guzzles everyday. I say go Nestle Purelife! I tell her to not smoke, I hate cigarettes! No junk food I tell her..*I found out I can eat as much food as I want as long as I cut out cookies n shyt* She knows that we fight, just like any other mother and daughter. But we both know that we talk about everything under the sun. Sex, Drugs, rock and roll.. I love her I truly do..because man I swear she is a pivotal factor in who I am today.

I will not hit my daughter... because I had enough bruises and welts for the both of us…

I will not yell for stupid shit…

Man she used to ruin my day by yelling @ me early in the morning. It can bring a child down .

My daughters hair will be fly all of the time…with the occasional pig tails or pony tail.

I will keep my self up just so she doesn’t have to be teased…

I will not blame anything on her…

I will be her best friend..while still putting the law down…with out physical force.

I WILL NEVER PUT MY ILLNESS IN FRONT OF MY DAUGHTERS EYES, AND SAY THINGS LIKE "ARE YOU GONNA TAKE CARE OF MAMA IF SHE GETS OLD AND IS CRAZY?" That's sick..and makes me choke just by thinking of putting that type of pressure on her.

Til this day she will say stuff to me like this.. "Are you going to put me in a nursing home?" and the answer is probably.. because I don't do well with illnesses and what not. My grandma slipped away before my eyes because I was too weak to watch her die. I just wish she would grasp how I feel...

Oh well..

Personality Profile..Psychology People Help Me!!

Okay I am so tired. But I need to write so here we go.

My mom is from Michigan, but she's taking this extended vacation away from home. She came here, went to the Bahamas last week, and she is now back at mi casa.

On the last visit I didn't tell ya'll that she opened my mail. She committed a federal offense in my own house. I was totally pissed. I felt totally violated. I am trying to keep certain things quite in my life, and she goes searching for shit. Not to mention I found 2 notebooks that I forgot to hide..Oops..

Anyway she is totally embarrassing. Has been my whole life. Not just by her outward appearance, because I must say at one time my mother was drop dead. Couldn't tell by looking now, and she has the power to change that. One thing I know is I will not be anything like her. At least health wise and what not. So my friend Allison comes over with her friend Ashley. *We say we are a backwards Oreo* I'm the brown filling* We went into the bathroom because I was getting ready to attempt to flat iron my hair. We were in there just talking for a few minutes before my mom comes and is like " Do you want me to go outside?" My reaction is like for what. She said to use the bathroom. Of course we exited. And my girl said that she saw my mom go outside. So she went outside I guess to pee...and comes back and is like oops I wet my pants. I just shook my damn head because nothing has changed. She has always been the one to do shit like that. I want to get a profile done on her, so I can figure her out totally. It's like she likes pity or something.

And then..I can't inform her about a lot of things about me is for the simple fact she is weird... Okay I've been recently trying to put this into a correct format that people other than me can get this..

I had a friend back in the day on my street who had cerebral palsy. Now I had been playing with the girl for sometime now..but on this one particular day as were driving past her house towards our house she goes "So your friend is crippled huh?"..and I'm like what a freaking rhetorical question? What did she expect me to say?

Oh and please don't let there be a handicapped person anywhere around her..boy she will point it out. I recall one time we were coming back from the Bahamas and we were sitting in the airport. And there was this girl..maybe 14ish with her family. She obviously had some physical and mental issues, but here goes my mom making it all obvious again. She grabs my hand and begins to thank God that her child is normal. I am like how freaking lame is this? And why does she have to do crap like that. People who have disabilities already have the shorter end of the bargain, and really don't need people pointing out the obvious. I just don't get her? My psychology people help me....What is her deal?

I love her, but she really needs to get a grip. Because mother or not, I've always been all about saying how I feel. There is a whole different story behind both of us that only we know. She and what she did to me made me who I am today. The good and the bad. I am just tired of her...HELP ME I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO CALL IT....

In a Land of No Judgment

In a land of no judgment
I would stand in front of no man
Who thought I was any less of his self
We would accept each other as is
Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual,
Autistic, Retarded, Touched
Bipolar, Schizophrenic…
White, Black, Indian, Chinese, Mixed
Man or Woman
No one should
Have the upper hand
Over any person..
In a land of no judgment…

But here I stand
in a land called America
Where I am suppose to be free
To have free speech
And to bear arms
Where we are all
Supposed to be Christians
And praise the Lord
Destined to follow the Bible
That blatantly says
“God is the ultimate judge”
So why do people constantly judge?
When they don’t have a law degree
And if you ask me
Those that do
Should only have any say
In anybody’s judgment day

I’m tired of haters
I know they are motivation
But damn why they always
Trying to ruin other peoples day
To bring precipitation
Down pours..
I never forget my umbrella
but sometimes the wind blows
so hard..I can’t help but get wet
during these thunder storms
Caused by human nature

Yes I have been afflicted
By human natures hand
But I checked myself quickly
Returned to my own land
Of no judgment
So here I stand..
And every body
Is starring @ me…
Judging

Negativity

Negativity
Is like a drug
Once you start using it
…..to your advantage
It’s hard to stop
Because it pumps
Through your blood

I am a lyrical genius
I know I am
And I can’t be convinced
That I am any less
Because I write down
My truth
And how I see it
Even if it’s ugly
I’ll uncover it
Because this is
My therapy..
and I need it..

I desire peace
How can anyone
Carry negativity around
Constantly?
When most of the time
The others didn’t
Ask to hear it
But they spew it at others
Something like those
Jehova Witnesses
Like spreading negativity
Is their job
And they’re glad to do it

Negativity
Can enter a conversation
Because one is self consumed
When one believes
That everyone is concerned
About just only you

So you imagine that
Your own little audience
Is cheering you on
When in all actuality
They wish you would
Keep your own shit
On your own lawn

I was told as a child
To keep what goes on
In this house
@ home
Because it wasn’t
Anybody’s business
But ours…
I just don’t understand
How some people
Can just go around
Telling all of their
Personal business
Like they are proud

Body Tag

Take 1 or more clean body shots preferably your favorites.You can either simply just include the pictures or even better give some description of what it is you like about your naked body. Also what did you learn about your naked body that you never noticed before?The whole point is seeing your body the way others do. Fall in love with yourself all over again and recognize those not so perfect parts. I believe our bare skin is beautiful and is some of the most beautiful art created. Flaws and all. It's also a representation of who we are beneath the layers, facades, and fake laughs. It's who we are in our purist form.Keep the tag going. Pick 5 other bloggers to join in on the fun and tag them by including their names after your post and by leaving a comment on their blog letting them know they have been tagged. I think it would also be great if you would let the person who tagged you know once you have posted your pictures.

AS I ALWAYS SAY IF YOU ARE GONNA EASILY OFFENDED PLEASE TURN TO ANOTHER BROADCAST

I was tagged by GoBytch and DreamyC

I love my breast…

After I had baby girl I thought I would neverrr get my body back…

Bam…look at that 34 B… Breast feeding does a body good :)

I took this picture the day of the field trip..when I didn’t get to go..and had to change..

I think I need a bigger bikini top..the small bottom fits L

That’s what I don’t like about my body..is my small ass..It is in no way flat..just small..

I didn’t learn much about my body except that I was ashy a lil bit the day of that pic. I was running late remember I was going to grease up when I got there..lol *Great Tan*

So I’m tagging …you will know..

06.whatever day this is.08

Okay…So I feel like shit. I think I am coming down with the flu. My upper back is all achy, and my appetite is gone. And I think I screwed myself this morning when I called and said I would be leaving work early *after the field trip to Centennial Olympic Park*..but I was going to get to leave shortly after we got back anyway, cuz I would have been there since really early. Anyway here’s when the day went wrong…Something told me to call work…I told them I was going to be about 13 minutes late because I had to drop baby girl off, and haul my ass all the way to the other side of GA.* Anyway…They’re like yeah your staying here Shauna only has such and such many kids *less than 8 kids but I didn’t hear that part because after she said you’re staying here I tuned her out* lol..anyway I heard toddlers which made it even worse. I don’t change shitty diapers on kids who can tell me they want graham crackers and juice. I’m cool w/ not going on the field trip, but I don’t do diapers. Ew… I don’t have to go to work right away now though.. she’s like “Yah, just get here when you can.” After I told her I was already in my bathing suit and would need to change..because ya’ll know I had to go home after dropping baby girl off to grab a bra and some panties.

The sun has kissed
my most intimate parts
all over
my body
the sun has warmed my heart

your UV rays love me
I turn from light to dark
because you turn me on
from yellow to brown

My body drips
natural juices as I frolic
with you
I have to protect my eyes
because you are too intense
and if I didn’t
I couldn’t bear
to stand up to
you stretching out your rays
to kiss me

and my most intimate parts

L. Guess

You were the first man..to take my heart

And run away with it

You were also

the first man to ever break my heart..

Because I loved you…truly, madly, deeply..

You and my mother didn’t work out…

I was 5 years old..when you guys ended

And I thought I had lost you forever…

In my bedroom I cried that night

..when I heard

The last and final fight

But that wasn’t true

Til this day you’ve never abandoned me

You had to work in Detroit

You had to do what you had to do

But every 2 weeks

I was there, right w/ you…

It didn’t matter that you drank…

Because I know you went to war

Vietnam…And that’s what it did to you

It tore up your heart

But I am happy..

That you took that torture

That you loved my mother…

Enough to create me…

And to bring me upon this earth

….To influence me.

My poetry

Is imbedded within my soul

Which is here..

Because of you…

And if you feel like you’ve failed

You haven’t

Because I know..You love me…

Lenny G…



You have suffered

And I understand more than anyone

The pain of having the feeling of..

Being left by a parent…

She left you physically

In her bed..night gown white

You were by her side…

When her spirit left you…

And you cried.. for the last time

You allowed your self to feel

To hurt…

Which allowed you..

To emotionally..abandon me

But it’s cool..

Because everything happens for a reason

I’m the last of your 3 girls

You hoped

I would be a boy…

I played ball

I know how to catch

But I love shoes..and purses best

You understood that…

Thanks for ur respect..


I know you love me..

And I thank you…

For allowing yourself

To love..

To lay down..

Your soul

To create me…

And now I’m here

Guess my Legacy

I'm on youtube....

Wow...I never thought I would ever see the day when I would be on youtube. It's kinda scary. I am proud to be apart of this generation!! So here I am on a photo shoot..they did a dvd..

and here I'm iz..

So I pray....

**Baby girl can ride her bike!! I am so excited. She looks so cute! And me and my mom taughter her* She came riding to me when I got home from work!!******



And so I pray….

I kneel down
hands clasped
praying to the sky
for forgivness
of every sin…
that I’ve ever committed
and every lie
I ever told
and every article of whatever
that wasn’t significant
that I stole
and every time I fornicated
because I thought it was LOVE

And so I pray…
that tonight when
I fall asleep
that I wake up
feeling refreshed
from all of the uncontrollable stress
……that life places us in
relentlessly giving us homework
there’s everyday test
and humanity is failing
and I need an A
so I pray for US

And so I pray…
that others can forgive me
of whatever I did
that may have cut them deep
for I am sorry…
that I planted that seed
for they are the ultimate gardener
I pray that they pluck
whatever I did….like weeds


And so I pray..
that if I’m really so dainty
and can’t bear to get my feet dirty
walking through this mess called life..
I pray that I can be delivered
and accept the creators help
because I know “IT” is there
and right now..
I’ve got faith in nothing but “IT”
and I know that no matter what
“IT” will never turn “IT’S” back
on me…
or my enemies..
who hate that
I pray on all of that..



*****Wow..Two poems for tonight...****

Hm..what to call it???

You mull over over me
because I am your muse
I give you inspiration
to do what you do
I hope it makes you feel better
to get it all out
but the one you’re creating for
has not intentions on viewing your art

You cogitate over me
because I am your OCD
If you weren’t fixated with me
who’s life would you abuse?
just because you are unhappy
and you reek of unhappiness
like bad perfume
but create on…
but you weren’t the first one
to write a book on “What They Want”
I am happy to be inspiration
for those with a pen
just sorry that I’m your inspiration
because honestly..you reek of negativity
pungent like how Cancer smells
just before it carries you away
to a different land

I know you will see
these words my fingers speak
I call a truce
because I desire peace
so continue to create
and scribble upon my face
it’s okay…
if it makes you feel safe
I don’t mind
I’m just not a fan
but I do wish you luck….
with all of my heart



And here's number 3....!! Good night...Blog...

It's a shame I don't have a title..

My soul
will be made whole
with my mate
where ever he is
and how ever long it takes
for him to find me
to cure this ache
that my spirit
is afflicted with
and that he will take away

My spirit
must be touched
I want love..
and from previous experiences
it’s something I’ve never done
all they have wanted to do
is “you fill in the blank” …….
and I need more than lust
and where ever he is
he’ll thrust all of his love
in the right direction
aimed, right @ my heart

My heart
is broken from a lover
whom I trusted..way too much
he wants me to be a scorned woman
but I could never be such
because what happens
is suppose to happen
and how can I be mad
at an uncontrollable dying love
all I can do I shake his hand
and say “Good Game”
because I’m a good sport

Good Game
is how exlovers
should look at love
because one fighter @ the end
of a boxing match is the winner
and only one team in the NBA
each year gets that ring
why can’t love be like that?
*Raises my hand*
because sometimes people
are afraid to let go
of Game O’ Love
and sometimes the players
just cant get along
after the love game is done…..

My favorite Summer Song

I’m what you want
I’m what you need
He got ya trapped
I’ll set you free
Sexually, Mentally...
Physically, and Emotionally
I’ll be like ya medicine
You’ll take every dose of me

Jeezy….

This is the best rap verse of 08'...I love this damn song thanks to Jeezy because after Usher married that ugly girl and had a baby *to hide his homosexuality I've got sources* I had to let go of my favorite RandB singer :( But I might have written Ush off too soon, because he was obviously smart enough to get Mr. Snowman himself to "make" this track..

I like it because I feel like Jeezy is rappin' bout me...when he is obviously not. Even though I have been in Jeezy's house, and met him before *one of my girls used to date him* I know that he's not, but it's almost like my girl called him and told him about what is going on in my life..and that's what he got.

I want somebody to say...

"I'll be like your medicine...you'll take every dose of me"

that is soooooo sweet.. don't ya'll think?

"Bad Man"

I was tagged by DreamyC and PCD...thanks guys

@ first I thought I wouldn't be able to complete this. But with the help of my handy dandy big ass IPOD *that has no video's or pictures, even though it is quite capable of performing such tasks* I was able to put my songs on shuffle..and this is what I got. I had a couple of mistakes where I hit the button twice, so it was messed up a bit. But here we go....


MEME Rules:


1. Put Your itunes/ music player on Shuffle

2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.

3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER WHAT!!!After you’ve answered all of the questions, tag 5 other people and then let them know they’ve been tagged to do the meme themselves!


1. IF SOMEONE SAYS “IS THIS OKAY” YOU SAY?
“Love Is Like Oxygen” Sweet
2. WHAT WOULD BEST DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY?
“Minute Made Mafia” Playa Fly
3. WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
“Testin My Gansta” Three Six Mafia *Haha*
4. HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?
“We all Die 1 Day” DJ Green Lantern *True*
5. WHAT IS YOUR LIFE’S PURPOSE?
“Immobilarity” Chef Raekwon *Who is Chef Raekwon?*
6. WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?
“Booty Call” Northeast Groovers *Wow that is soooo not my motto. Funny tho*
7. WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
“Shorty Swing My Way” KP and Envyi..*Probably all my guy friends*
8. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR PARENTS?
“Tha Hustlaz” 2 pac n 2 short *Dat's Right*
9. WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
“The Best of Both Hoods” Juelz Santana feat. Young Jeezy *Wow so true*
10. WHAT IS 2+2?
“OAR” Black Rock *Who and what is Black Rock?
11. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?
“This Ain’t What You Want” D4L * I would hope he/she wouldn't want me*
12. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
“Homies and Thugs” Scarface/Tupac/Master P *?????* *Do I like someone?*
13. WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
“Chilites” Toby *NOT MY LIFE STORY..WHAT IS CHILITES?"
14. WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
“Southern Smoke” Chammillionare *Um no*
15. WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
“Ticktock” Nas. F Alchemist
16. WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
“Lady Venom” Swollen Members *Probably*
17. WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
“Coming out Swinging” Eminem, Ghost Face and some more ppl. *Funny*
18. WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
“Shotoff” 901 Thugs *Haha*
19. WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
“Like That” BG *Don't make sense*
20. WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
“Many Men *Wish Death upon Me*” 50 Cent *At first I only saw "Many Men" and
I was like that is sooo not cool..But then I saw wish death upon me..and
that's prob. true.
21. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
“In Your Eyes” George Benson
22. WHAT SHOULD YOU POST THIS AS?
“Bad Man!” Murs


Disclaimer---- Foia did not program her IPOD. These songs in no way reflect Foia and her personal music choice.

06-07-05

Today 3 years ago I gave birth to the best thing that has ever happened to me.

She is beautiful, smart, and the joy of my life.

She IS the REASON I live.

This Morning

So this morning..I called in..said I would be late. I didn't have the mental energy....SEE POST BELOW.

On the way into work I was listening to V103 the Porsha Fox Show..and chile she had Khia..or ever you spell her name..ya'll know the nasty mouth rapper "my neck my back"..Anyway ya'll she got into w/ Porsha...She was getting into it with callers. So Porsha finally cut her mic off..and dismissed her from the show. Wow.

Anyway....

So now I'm in the elementary class room..where I want to be..writing this..and that..The kids are so chilled..so I can chill.. My last one just left as I was in the middle of my last sentence. Peace @ last.

I usually write during the nap time..but I just got a memo..that laptops aren't allowed in the classes anymore. = added depression.

Then my wifi at my house is down. My apt complex has it..but I don't know if they didn't pay the bill or what. But I'm really mad about that because I'm addicted to blogging now. I don't see myself being able to write in a notebook anytime soon.

1. Because I don't like my hand writing

2. Because I like receiving feed back.

3. Typing is just faster, and more in the moment.

So guys..if you are wondering why I haven't been posting..There are the reason's above.

So nonetheless, I feel like shit SEE POST BELOW. I know this shall to will pass, but damnit it sucks when you are in the moment.

I feel as if I'm stuck
Right here
In bad luck
What is the Universe
Trying to teach me?
What...
That it can only get worse?
That I'm no good?
That I'm put here to hurt?

I know if I weather
This cliche'...This storm
I will be a vessel
That will inspire
Others to keep
Living on
Even when it may
Seem as if
There's no way out
Of this hateful world
That makes you lose
Yourself...
And your control...

Mind's sore

This is terminal illness
For there is no cure
Popping pills
Is the only remedy
To clear this minds sore

You're dormant
Until you get ready
Then you pop up
and I think
My life is done
All because you..
You're impossible
To control
I want to kill you
Finish you off
With a gun..

Misery
Is what I feel
Now that you
Live with me
And I want you to move
I want to give you
A notice
And evict you
But that's not possible
Cuz you ain't going
No where
No time soon

Life's a beach...

First and foremost I have to say how ecstatic I am..that in my life time, I will see a black president! Obama is the man, and I’m so happy that Hillary can hopefully begin to move on with her life. I hope that Obama is smart enough to not ask her to be his running mate. She is an evil, power hungry, liar, who I don’t think will wait 8 yrs to get into the White House. Even though a Obama Clinton ticket is virtually unbeatable, I still don’t think it’s a good idea. I don’t understand why she didn’t run in 2004 up against Bush..the only thing I can think of is them *Clintons, Bush’s, Cheney’s* and who ever else that is a part of their camp trying to form the new world order. Anyway enough for my political opinion…Go Obama!!

So today..I look really cute. I have on a light yellow linen sundress. It’s fitted at the top, and the rest flares out. I love the summer because I *heart* sundresses. Anyway, so me looking cute should have been a start to an okay day. But instead I get to work with my heart set on teaching in the elementary classroom today. Since after all the “director” told me that’s where I would be yesterday.But noooo..I get in and she tells me to go with the damn nappers. I’m tired of nappers, they are so airheadish. Speaking of airheads I think 75% of the students here are missing a few things. For one thing their parents are too damn old bringing these babies into the world. 53 yrs old w/ a 3 year old..WTF? I believe these parents have no other choice but to pay more than a grand a month for somebody to work with their special ed children. Because they don’t want them to be in a regular school and have to go to a sped class. Anyway I know your like how are the special *F*..but that’s a whole different blog..and I would say you kinda need to be “here” to see them.

Anyway so yesterday I go on a field trip with the elementary class. We went to a man made beach down here. The water has chlorine in it, and they have sand, so it looks like a real beach. They have a kiddy pool with cute little mushroom water fountains. When we first get there I got into the water, but I wasn’t really feeling it because I wanted to lay out more than anything. So I splashed around with them for about 10 minutes then I go rent a chair, grab my Vaseline *ghetto* and sunscreen and lather up..and lay my ass down. I think I fell asleep, and woke up after about an hour. I get back in the water, and then it’s time to go eat lunch. We eat, then we went back to swim. The other teacher and all of the students told me I couldn’t just lay out..that I had to swim.

So there are these 2 water slides there. One the kids called “scary”. And this spiral one. I’m like let me see what this “scary” one is about. The first time I went, I went down without this little mat thing that you are suppose to use, but I didn’t know. Anyway there is this big dip and you shoot straight out. * I don’t like to swing, or roller coasters so I was thinking I wouldn’t be fond of this slide either*. And of course I go right under water, and water goes all up in my nose. I hate the feeling of chlorine in the nostrils, burns so damn bad. So the next time that I went, yes I went again. I grabbed the mat thingy, got on my stomach and came shooting out. I slid right across the water, something like a surfer. That shit was fun. So me and my students kept going over and over again. I had on a bikini. I normally wear shorts and a tee shirt anyway when I swim, but the lifeguards wouldn’t allow you to go down the side if you had clothes on. Nonetheless I felt too sexy to be on a field trip yesterday. So as I’m getting out of the water *alone* and walking up to the slide I hear.

“Ms. Ms.”I look up and it’s a girl who probably was no more than 15 years old and she was pointing. It took me about 5 seconds and then I look down and….

My boob was hanging out of my bikini top. * Wow* I was happy none of my students were around because I’m sure..everyone would have heard about that. I popped it back in, and proceeded once again up the slide. I felt like a kid again yesterday, because it’s probably been a good 9 or 10 years since I’ve gone on a waterslide.

Example of the speds- Jake..pale lanky kid. On the last field trip he fell off of the monkey bars and broke his arm. So on this field trip I give my little speech about how we aren’t going to break any arms, have any accidents on our selves, pee or poop in the pool, fight, cry ect. And does Jake listen…

Hell no..

He goes down the slide first. I watch him, make sure that he’s getting out of the way. He is when I decided to go. I guess he must have changed his mind, or forgot that I was about to come flying out. But he stood there, and when I came out..I took him out..My mat when all over the boys head. When he came above water I told him that he better not cry, because he should have known better than to stand right in front of the opening to a water slide. **One of the many examples of sped’s*

So now I’m in the classroom with these snoring children and I’m hungry..I’m going to try and write a poem. Have a good day bloggers.

I *Heart* Black

I love being black. I remember drilling that into my head when I was younger. For the simple fact that it was made apparent by other black folks *family, friends, hood rats* that I was everything but black. I guess since you can see my blue veins, and when I was a kid my hair was down to my ass. And black people just aren’t made like that. *wink*


My dad’s family on his mothers side totally ghetto. My grandmother died when my father was 7, so he was basically raised by his aunt, and my grandfather who was always away as a chef on the railroad. * I would like to think my Grandma was nothing like her sister *Anyway this aunt of mine..I was totally grossed out every time I went over there. Her house had the most pungent odor that I have smelled to date. She had roaches…. and bugs.. I hate bugs.. Then I had to eat over there. And get this..me and my cousins had to eat ALL of our food, before we could have anything to drink. Now that I think about it, that is child abuse. None the less I spent many days at her kitchen table crying because I couldn’t get up, while she sat and drank Martell and coffee..smoking Newport after Newport. I would tell my Daddy, and of course he probably went through the same treatment, so there wasn’t much he could do.

I recall one incident where her daughter Meon was outside at a picnic table cleaning catfish.*she has an eye that doesn’t quite look @ you, and is a little slow* I have tons of cousins and when I was at my aunts house I was never alone. That eased my pain somewhat. Anyway after seeing these scales flying off the table all day they expected me to eat the fish along with spaghetti. This day all of my older cousins, older sister, and dad were there, so they put the kids outside to eat. I was with my cousin Nikki *RIP* who was the daughter of Meon and who wasn’t quite right either. But that was my baby..she was a couple of months older than me, and we looked very similar. We were skinny tall little girls, with long thick ass hair. So we were leaning up against the car eating. Well I was attempting to eat. Then I started thinking of the conditions of where my meal was prepared, and the fish scales..and I just threw up!!! Yeah…pretty gross..

Even though my aunts house was in deplorable conditions and I hated eating there, and couldn’t fathom sleeping there..I still loved it because it made me feel black. They hung out in the front yard. They walked through the screen door. They played spades, smoked weed, and drank until early in the morning. My cousins knew all of the latest slang. And of course my Montessori ass was not in the mix at all until they filled me in. Sometimes they would mess with me and speak in the new terminology just to make me mad. I love the way we have our own language. If it weren’t for the Clark Family I wouldn’t be as fluent in African American Vernacular.
I had a couple of fun older cousins that would play games with us, that I know only black people play. ie smut, ni*** knock *where you knock on peoples doors and run* that was my favorite..stupid now that I think about it. But fun!!

So I bet your wondering about my momma nem’…Well my mother is totally pale. She has dusty brownish blonde hair. Her parents weren’t all the light, but my grandmother was a McCoy, and her siblings all had blue eyes. I’m guessing she got a lot of the McCoy genes. Anyway my grandmother being all educated and what not, and above being black, shunned anything away if it was too ethnic. Lawd forbid if I wanted to speak A.A.V over there. She wasn’t having it. My mother speaks very proper too, and when she would try to speak A.A.V..even though she’s better now..she still sounded a hott mess. I love my grandmother, but when I was younger I couldn’t understand how she could call the same people who were exactly like her nigger *or maybe not because they weren’t trying*. My aunt is convinced that my grandmother wanted to be white. I don’t know about that because she could have never passed. I just believe that she was extremely proud of making it..and she made sure that others knew that they hadn’t.

So yes my two family’s never hung out. EVER! I couldn’t image what that would have been like. My grandma would have been turning up her nose, and my dads family would have been talking crap about how my grandma thought she was all that.

Which brings me to this thought…there are so many different varieties of “black people” that can’t embrace each other. We are the only race that discriminates against each other.

“She act too white. She speak too proper.”

“He not black enough”. <<<<< What they say about Barack

I *heart* how we hardly ever make things plural when they need to be..

It is sooo hard to prove yourself in our community. It sickens me. But I will never turn my back on my race. Even though I believe if I wanted to represent another race..it would be possible. I get asked on a daily basis what I’m is..lol Get this..not even just by us. When I worked @ this particular club where a lot of Indians frequented they would come up to me speaking whatever they speak. And Mexican men always speak Spanish to me. I just laugh to myself.


I don’t think in my life time we will see any change within our community. Even though I KNOW it’s not totally our faults that we self hate, but it is on us to change it. I love the book “No Disrespect” by Sista Soljah it filled me in on how we were basically trained to be the way we are. But now it’s on us to fix what they broke…..

Something Terrible # 151

*BLESSES MY PAGE*

Something terrible..
is wanting something
that you can’t conceive

Something terrible
is wanting something
you know you need

Something terrible..
has no cure
it is a terminal disease

Something terrible..
has you to where
you’re soooo hungry
that you feel
the urge binge..
and over eat

Something terrible..
when wanting something
is far away
you dream of it..
something terrible
every minute of every
terrible day

because wanting..
something terrible..
is an aching sensation
that can’t be solved
without the missing variable
like in algebra
you gotta take your time
make proper calculations

I will wait for-EVER
when I want something terrible
I fight tooth and nail
I never give up
*brushes my shoulder off*
Bay-Bay I never fail

150th Post!! A celebration of me..the queen that causes other peoples jealousy

Now that I have “YOUR” attention..let’s get on with the show.

I know “Ya'll" are there watching…Hello!!

I can do this better in a poem.

Thank you
precious gem
for bringing all of “them” here
to mi casa
because you’ve just put me on the map
and I can’t begin
to thank you enough
for that

a production like no other
dealing with human emotion
you were the best producer
because you ran the show
so you thought..
but it back fired didn’t it?
the most you did was…
you pissed
a whole lot of people off
and you still didn’t get
“what women want”
and I get it..
because I DO
have everything you want
because, admit I do
or else you wouldn't
have behaved like a child
but that's what you do
you want to knock
me off of the top
and put me on the bottom
like you..
You want T..and you want Don?
or else you wouldn't
have figured that this would be fun...


…you think you are a gem
but you ain’t nothing
but a stone
I say that because
of what you did
you are typical
the one to “smile”/”comment”
in your face
you did exactly that
when you came into
my home and…
defaced it
you brought my child into this
when you know nothing
of how it really is
in Palmetto and Union City GA
Ms. Anonymous
ya’ll knew it was coming…
Bitch…
you are a want to be me
and of course..
Not!!!
because there is only one F.G.
since you always sniffing something
how does my shit smell
now that I’ve just shitted on you?
honestly…because I know you know
Ms.super nose..

and to your little friend
who added her two cents
and helped participate
in this little skit
you are fake too
here it comes again
Bitch..
you are not welcome here
not that you would want to be
because you are jealous…of me 2
admit it..set your self free
I call it how I see it
your name rhymes here
but I’m bigger than that
so they’ll have to fill in the blank

i couldn’t believe it
that it was ya’ll
two chicks that I don’t even know
ya’ll hope my life shatters
and it falls apart
but just watch…
because trust me
it won’t
even though you
will come quietly
I know you’ll be back
to watch me
my invisible audience
But trust me
I know you’ll see

sorry your little scheme
didn’t work
but I thank you for it
I’m not being sardonic now
if you wouldn’t have done this
then well…
I wouldn’t have become a star..
on blogger.com
and people would have
continued to be plastic
to the ones..
they claim to love
but secretly hate
and commit sins for
which is jealousy and envy
keep knock knock knocking
at the devils door

everything happens for a reason
and what a beautiful picture
that was created
when you scribbled upon us
b.k.a hated
this goes out to you..
Ms. and Ms. two faced
there is no blog beef here
I just say what I feel
and I already know
you ain’t gonna like it
cuz you don’t like me
but that’s cool..i found out your game
it took damn near too long
but it was worth it in the end
to find out what type of people
try to destroy lives
over the internet……

Expressions from *F* as my hair blows in the wind..

I can’t begin to express how I feel. That statement that begins this is scary, because never before have I felt like my words were gone. This whole ordeal turned out to be a positive thing because it gave me time to think..

I am..

23 about to be 24…

I am a mother..and a damn good one, because I CHOSE to bring her into this world.. I will never leave her behind. And where ever I go, she’ll be right there with me.

I may be categorized as “mentally ill” but I know I’m one of the elite. Because I take care of myself, and I know a healthy mind is a terrible thing to waste. I also know that some destined man one day will love me, and my crazy ass.

Picture this…

A woman..

take my face off of her body..

She sits in front of her tv. Wearing nothing but a bra and panties. He comes home to find her there in a pool of her own urine as she sat upon their white leather couch.This isn’t the first time, so he knows the routine. In his mind he knows, that her mind has vacated for awhile. She’ll be back. He knows this.

He gently grabs her hand, which is cold and shivering. He looks into her empty blue eyes, and feels no pity. For this is the love of his life, and he excepts the responsibility, to care for her..now and into eternity. He lifts her up, and carries her into the bathroom. Where he takes of her panties, and removes her bra. He sits her upon the toilet while he turns on the shower, steaming hot. Exactly how she likes it. She is starring @ the wall. He takes off his shoes. He removes his clothes. He climbs in first, then grabs her..and closes the curtain.

He bathes her. He washes her hair. He dry’s her off. Massages her with lotion, and dresses her for bed. Next, He gently and sloppily plants a pony tail at the top of her head.
He leads her to their bedroom, where he tucks her in. Takes her pill bottles out of his pocket, and distributes them into his hands. He suggests she eats a graham cracker so her stomach doesn’t get upset. She obliges, and takes it. She knows what’s next. She must swallow the medicine that will destroy her dreams of peace..

He stares @ her. She is still as can be..she is resting..sound asleep.

He loves her..with all of his heart.

Even though he wants children, living with out her wouldn’t be worth it.


Now back to reality *Me talking*

I know someone will love me, just like in the lyric above. I may be “mentally ill” but damnit why should that matter? But I already know anyone with any type of “disability” is looked at as less of a person. That’s cool, because trust me Bipolar is in..That means I’m in style.. ha! I am one of the great…and I know for a fact that all bitches except my dawgs are going to hate.. No though on a serious tip..If I fell in love with someone who was paraplegic and I got mad at him, what would I look like saying ha ha you can’t walk. Wouldn’t I be considered a bully and insecure with myself if I took his chair and hid it?
I have bipolar, but I’m an All-Star..

I will survive. This whole whatever just happened on blogger.com is funny to me. Trust is something that once it’s gone..it’s hard to get it back. I am the type of person though, shown through action..if I’m in the wrong, I bring it to the light. It makes my soul feel better more than it hurts to tell someone the real deal. I have a conscious, that’s why drama never was one of my friends. But karma is..but she’s a b!tch and we’re talking again.…..

I do not care..what people think of me. Just like then..in the cantankerous cold of Mich-I ain’t never going again* I will do me, and continue to watch the haters heads spin. I graduated with 55 people I believe. I was the non typical black girl..who for 6 years *2 including jr high..schools were combined* I was constantly tested on a daily basis. I would like to say looking back that is something that I am proud of. No matter how much shit they talked, or spread about me..I never fought back*Except once Tameka threw a gel pen at me and it cut my face,..It was over*lol..But really I never fed into their madness..I know that pissed them off more. I recall one incident on the bus. I was a senior on HS. The star of our girls bbteam..should have gone to the WNBA, but got pregnant @ 17 tried to fight me after a visit from a college. She talked about how she wanted to eat my face, up and how she was going to get me.

I stood up for myself that day. What made me spoke was her saying “I know what F be doing.” I spoke loud and clear. I remember what she said more than I do my reponse, but whatever it was it pissed her off. On the way back to the school she was in a rage, trying to get at me anyway she could. Of course I cried * a lot* but she never fought me, because I walked away. Jumped in my black 2-door Sunfire and drove away. In tears. I learned at an early age that black people especially the girls/women because I am one..are generally jealous, backstabbing, shit talking creators. I am the 3rd of my daddies girls..I was supposed to be a boy. That’s why I don’t have the bitch allele.

I will not let anyone hinder who I am..and who I am supposed to be in the end of this journey. Point blank. If I made it out of B.H. Mich. then I know I can make it anywhere.

I don’t need a man. To do shit for me, but help me make a baby. If he does so, that’s nice of him. I appreciate it. I would like to have a man..but need is totally different.

My cousins where I am from, most of them have baby daddies that aren’t worth a damn..and they still make it. In MI there are no jobs, and they still make it. My daddy paid child support, and you better believe when he came home from his house in Detroit, I was looking for his ass. And my daughter will be the same way. I will not take her or prevent her from seeing her father, because I know how strong and important that bond can be. I’m down here, and there is a plethora of opportunity. I will be blessed, and we will be fine.

I want to leave this place..blogger.com because it’s filled with cliques..and bitch shyt. It’s filled with betrayal and lies. I am free of this in my “reality life” except when it comes to..well..whatever. But if I have a choice, I choose not to deal with real life drama. My professor, said to me the other day in a phone conversation…He is a psychologist “Sometimes even when we know it’s best to let go of something that is hurting us, the human psyche won’t allow us to do it, even though we know it’s healthier”. My bones tell me that this is and unsafe environment.

I am sad that the person who first let me know someone was “listening” decided to leave the blog game. But I totally feel him..when your spirit is being disrupted. It’s time to go. My spirit has been disrupted for quite sometime now..and it’s time for me to go, in more ways than one.

And for the people who created all of this mess, going back emailing mis-information, my best friend karma will be paying you a visit. Not even so much the people involved in the “triangle”..the originators of this whole ordeal. You know who you are…

For now..this is me signing off..

*F*

Question?

Am I Beautiful or Sexy..or neither?

Because I thought they were one in the same..but men seem to think not.

Just me..telling about how im horny

I am horny
I need it
and I don’t ever
want to be raped
but I hope
someone would just
come and take it
because my hormones
are raging…

i have never reached
my sexual peek
hell I started early
a tender 16
I just played though
never really learning the game
now I want to be taught..

I have spring fever
but it’s about to be summer
and I want a man
who wants all of me
but now it’s spring
maybe I’ll settle for a fling

my mind needs to be fucked
that’s where it starts
if you can’t touch my brain
how do you expect me to return
the favor..
perform my Einstein?
I need conversation
that can get me moist
without the slightest touch

my ten are getting tired
and I’m bored
of the same ol’ touch
I want to feel the finger prints
of someone else…
if you are him..
speak up

No more babies for me..spoiled ones atleast

I think after today I’ve decided not to have anymore kids. I have been interviewing with this lady for about a month; I may become her nanny.*She hasn't decided whether she wants me or this other lady* Anyway today I kept her daughter, and my daughter. My daughter was jealous of the baby, and confused because she wanted to play with her. The lil girl is only 5mts, and she didn’t understand be gentle, and use your indoor voice. She wasn’t having it. Boy I am tired. This baby is spoiled. She has to see you at all times if she is sitting alone, which doesn’t really get to happen because she likes to be held. My kid was nothing like that. She did her own thing. I’m not used to babies that need attention every second of every hour. She is a lil chunky thing too, and I did yoga yesterday so my arms really hurt.

Then on my way back to her mom’s house we stop at Chic-Filet and I get a chicken sandwich and lemonade, and on my way into her mom’s house I put the lemonade in my purse. *Stupid* Because now my cell phone is ruined I bet. Oh well..I have the inkling to get mad, but I’m not..it’s just a phone. It’s just strange being w/ out it..

I’m cranky...veryy..