I'm on youtube....

Wow...I never thought I would ever see the day when I would be on youtube. It's kinda scary. I am proud to be apart of this generation!! So here I am on a photo shoot..they did a dvd..

and here I'm iz..

So I pray....

**Baby girl can ride her bike!! I am so excited. She looks so cute! And me and my mom taughter her* She came riding to me when I got home from work!!******



And so I pray….

I kneel down
hands clasped
praying to the sky
for forgivness
of every sin…
that I’ve ever committed
and every lie
I ever told
and every article of whatever
that wasn’t significant
that I stole
and every time I fornicated
because I thought it was LOVE

And so I pray…
that tonight when
I fall asleep
that I wake up
feeling refreshed
from all of the uncontrollable stress
……that life places us in
relentlessly giving us homework
there’s everyday test
and humanity is failing
and I need an A
so I pray for US

And so I pray…
that others can forgive me
of whatever I did
that may have cut them deep
for I am sorry…
that I planted that seed
for they are the ultimate gardener
I pray that they pluck
whatever I did….like weeds


And so I pray..
that if I’m really so dainty
and can’t bear to get my feet dirty
walking through this mess called life..
I pray that I can be delivered
and accept the creators help
because I know “IT” is there
and right now..
I’ve got faith in nothing but “IT”
and I know that no matter what
“IT” will never turn “IT’S” back
on me…
or my enemies..
who hate that
I pray on all of that..



*****Wow..Two poems for tonight...****

Hm..what to call it???

You mull over over me
because I am your muse
I give you inspiration
to do what you do
I hope it makes you feel better
to get it all out
but the one you’re creating for
has not intentions on viewing your art

You cogitate over me
because I am your OCD
If you weren’t fixated with me
who’s life would you abuse?
just because you are unhappy
and you reek of unhappiness
like bad perfume
but create on…
but you weren’t the first one
to write a book on “What They Want”
I am happy to be inspiration
for those with a pen
just sorry that I’m your inspiration
because honestly..you reek of negativity
pungent like how Cancer smells
just before it carries you away
to a different land

I know you will see
these words my fingers speak
I call a truce
because I desire peace
so continue to create
and scribble upon my face
it’s okay…
if it makes you feel safe
I don’t mind
I’m just not a fan
but I do wish you luck….
with all of my heart



And here's number 3....!! Good night...Blog...

It's a shame I don't have a title..

My soul
will be made whole
with my mate
where ever he is
and how ever long it takes
for him to find me
to cure this ache
that my spirit
is afflicted with
and that he will take away

My spirit
must be touched
I want love..
and from previous experiences
it’s something I’ve never done
all they have wanted to do
is “you fill in the blank” …….
and I need more than lust
and where ever he is
he’ll thrust all of his love
in the right direction
aimed, right @ my heart

My heart
is broken from a lover
whom I trusted..way too much
he wants me to be a scorned woman
but I could never be such
because what happens
is suppose to happen
and how can I be mad
at an uncontrollable dying love
all I can do I shake his hand
and say “Good Game”
because I’m a good sport

Good Game
is how exlovers
should look at love
because one fighter @ the end
of a boxing match is the winner
and only one team in the NBA
each year gets that ring
why can’t love be like that?
*Raises my hand*
because sometimes people
are afraid to let go
of Game O’ Love
and sometimes the players
just cant get along
after the love game is done…..

My favorite Summer Song

I’m what you want
I’m what you need
He got ya trapped
I’ll set you free
Sexually, Mentally...
Physically, and Emotionally
I’ll be like ya medicine
You’ll take every dose of me

Jeezy….

This is the best rap verse of 08'...I love this damn song thanks to Jeezy because after Usher married that ugly girl and had a baby *to hide his homosexuality I've got sources* I had to let go of my favorite RandB singer :( But I might have written Ush off too soon, because he was obviously smart enough to get Mr. Snowman himself to "make" this track..

I like it because I feel like Jeezy is rappin' bout me...when he is obviously not. Even though I have been in Jeezy's house, and met him before *one of my girls used to date him* I know that he's not, but it's almost like my girl called him and told him about what is going on in my life..and that's what he got.

I want somebody to say...

"I'll be like your medicine...you'll take every dose of me"

that is soooooo sweet.. don't ya'll think?

"Bad Man"

I was tagged by DreamyC and PCD...thanks guys

@ first I thought I wouldn't be able to complete this. But with the help of my handy dandy big ass IPOD *that has no video's or pictures, even though it is quite capable of performing such tasks* I was able to put my songs on shuffle..and this is what I got. I had a couple of mistakes where I hit the button twice, so it was messed up a bit. But here we go....


MEME Rules:


1. Put Your itunes/ music player on Shuffle

2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.

3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER WHAT!!!After you’ve answered all of the questions, tag 5 other people and then let them know they’ve been tagged to do the meme themselves!


1. IF SOMEONE SAYS “IS THIS OKAY” YOU SAY?
“Love Is Like Oxygen” Sweet
2. WHAT WOULD BEST DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY?
“Minute Made Mafia” Playa Fly
3. WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
“Testin My Gansta” Three Six Mafia *Haha*
4. HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?
“We all Die 1 Day” DJ Green Lantern *True*
5. WHAT IS YOUR LIFE’S PURPOSE?
“Immobilarity” Chef Raekwon *Who is Chef Raekwon?*
6. WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?
“Booty Call” Northeast Groovers *Wow that is soooo not my motto. Funny tho*
7. WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
“Shorty Swing My Way” KP and Envyi..*Probably all my guy friends*
8. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR PARENTS?
“Tha Hustlaz” 2 pac n 2 short *Dat's Right*
9. WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
“The Best of Both Hoods” Juelz Santana feat. Young Jeezy *Wow so true*
10. WHAT IS 2+2?
“OAR” Black Rock *Who and what is Black Rock?
11. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?
“This Ain’t What You Want” D4L * I would hope he/she wouldn't want me*
12. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
“Homies and Thugs” Scarface/Tupac/Master P *?????* *Do I like someone?*
13. WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
“Chilites” Toby *NOT MY LIFE STORY..WHAT IS CHILITES?"
14. WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
“Southern Smoke” Chammillionare *Um no*
15. WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
“Ticktock” Nas. F Alchemist
16. WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
“Lady Venom” Swollen Members *Probably*
17. WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
“Coming out Swinging” Eminem, Ghost Face and some more ppl. *Funny*
18. WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
“Shotoff” 901 Thugs *Haha*
19. WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
“Like That” BG *Don't make sense*
20. WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
“Many Men *Wish Death upon Me*” 50 Cent *At first I only saw "Many Men" and
I was like that is sooo not cool..But then I saw wish death upon me..and
that's prob. true.
21. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
“In Your Eyes” George Benson
22. WHAT SHOULD YOU POST THIS AS?
“Bad Man!” Murs


Disclaimer---- Foia did not program her IPOD. These songs in no way reflect Foia and her personal music choice.

06-07-05

Today 3 years ago I gave birth to the best thing that has ever happened to me.

She is beautiful, smart, and the joy of my life.

She IS the REASON I live.

This Morning

So this morning..I called in..said I would be late. I didn't have the mental energy....SEE POST BELOW.

On the way into work I was listening to V103 the Porsha Fox Show..and chile she had Khia..or ever you spell her name..ya'll know the nasty mouth rapper "my neck my back"..Anyway ya'll she got into w/ Porsha...She was getting into it with callers. So Porsha finally cut her mic off..and dismissed her from the show. Wow.

Anyway....

So now I'm in the elementary class room..where I want to be..writing this..and that..The kids are so chilled..so I can chill.. My last one just left as I was in the middle of my last sentence. Peace @ last.

I usually write during the nap time..but I just got a memo..that laptops aren't allowed in the classes anymore. = added depression.

Then my wifi at my house is down. My apt complex has it..but I don't know if they didn't pay the bill or what. But I'm really mad about that because I'm addicted to blogging now. I don't see myself being able to write in a notebook anytime soon.

1. Because I don't like my hand writing

2. Because I like receiving feed back.

3. Typing is just faster, and more in the moment.

So guys..if you are wondering why I haven't been posting..There are the reason's above.

So nonetheless, I feel like shit SEE POST BELOW. I know this shall to will pass, but damnit it sucks when you are in the moment.

I feel as if I'm stuck
Right here
In bad luck
What is the Universe
Trying to teach me?
What...
That it can only get worse?
That I'm no good?
That I'm put here to hurt?

I know if I weather
This cliche'...This storm
I will be a vessel
That will inspire
Others to keep
Living on
Even when it may
Seem as if
There's no way out
Of this hateful world
That makes you lose
Yourself...
And your control...

Mind's sore

This is terminal illness
For there is no cure
Popping pills
Is the only remedy
To clear this minds sore

You're dormant
Until you get ready
Then you pop up
and I think
My life is done
All because you..
You're impossible
To control
I want to kill you
Finish you off
With a gun..

Misery
Is what I feel
Now that you
Live with me
And I want you to move
I want to give you
A notice
And evict you
But that's not possible
Cuz you ain't going
No where
No time soon

Life's a beach...

First and foremost I have to say how ecstatic I am..that in my life time, I will see a black president! Obama is the man, and I’m so happy that Hillary can hopefully begin to move on with her life. I hope that Obama is smart enough to not ask her to be his running mate. She is an evil, power hungry, liar, who I don’t think will wait 8 yrs to get into the White House. Even though a Obama Clinton ticket is virtually unbeatable, I still don’t think it’s a good idea. I don’t understand why she didn’t run in 2004 up against Bush..the only thing I can think of is them *Clintons, Bush’s, Cheney’s* and who ever else that is a part of their camp trying to form the new world order. Anyway enough for my political opinion…Go Obama!!

So today..I look really cute. I have on a light yellow linen sundress. It’s fitted at the top, and the rest flares out. I love the summer because I *heart* sundresses. Anyway, so me looking cute should have been a start to an okay day. But instead I get to work with my heart set on teaching in the elementary classroom today. Since after all the “director” told me that’s where I would be yesterday.But noooo..I get in and she tells me to go with the damn nappers. I’m tired of nappers, they are so airheadish. Speaking of airheads I think 75% of the students here are missing a few things. For one thing their parents are too damn old bringing these babies into the world. 53 yrs old w/ a 3 year old..WTF? I believe these parents have no other choice but to pay more than a grand a month for somebody to work with their special ed children. Because they don’t want them to be in a regular school and have to go to a sped class. Anyway I know your like how are the special *F*..but that’s a whole different blog..and I would say you kinda need to be “here” to see them.

Anyway so yesterday I go on a field trip with the elementary class. We went to a man made beach down here. The water has chlorine in it, and they have sand, so it looks like a real beach. They have a kiddy pool with cute little mushroom water fountains. When we first get there I got into the water, but I wasn’t really feeling it because I wanted to lay out more than anything. So I splashed around with them for about 10 minutes then I go rent a chair, grab my Vaseline *ghetto* and sunscreen and lather up..and lay my ass down. I think I fell asleep, and woke up after about an hour. I get back in the water, and then it’s time to go eat lunch. We eat, then we went back to swim. The other teacher and all of the students told me I couldn’t just lay out..that I had to swim.

So there are these 2 water slides there. One the kids called “scary”. And this spiral one. I’m like let me see what this “scary” one is about. The first time I went, I went down without this little mat thing that you are suppose to use, but I didn’t know. Anyway there is this big dip and you shoot straight out. * I don’t like to swing, or roller coasters so I was thinking I wouldn’t be fond of this slide either*. And of course I go right under water, and water goes all up in my nose. I hate the feeling of chlorine in the nostrils, burns so damn bad. So the next time that I went, yes I went again. I grabbed the mat thingy, got on my stomach and came shooting out. I slid right across the water, something like a surfer. That shit was fun. So me and my students kept going over and over again. I had on a bikini. I normally wear shorts and a tee shirt anyway when I swim, but the lifeguards wouldn’t allow you to go down the side if you had clothes on. Nonetheless I felt too sexy to be on a field trip yesterday. So as I’m getting out of the water *alone* and walking up to the slide I hear.

“Ms. Ms.”I look up and it’s a girl who probably was no more than 15 years old and she was pointing. It took me about 5 seconds and then I look down and….

My boob was hanging out of my bikini top. * Wow* I was happy none of my students were around because I’m sure..everyone would have heard about that. I popped it back in, and proceeded once again up the slide. I felt like a kid again yesterday, because it’s probably been a good 9 or 10 years since I’ve gone on a waterslide.

Example of the speds- Jake..pale lanky kid. On the last field trip he fell off of the monkey bars and broke his arm. So on this field trip I give my little speech about how we aren’t going to break any arms, have any accidents on our selves, pee or poop in the pool, fight, cry ect. And does Jake listen…

Hell no..

He goes down the slide first. I watch him, make sure that he’s getting out of the way. He is when I decided to go. I guess he must have changed his mind, or forgot that I was about to come flying out. But he stood there, and when I came out..I took him out..My mat when all over the boys head. When he came above water I told him that he better not cry, because he should have known better than to stand right in front of the opening to a water slide. **One of the many examples of sped’s*

So now I’m in the classroom with these snoring children and I’m hungry..I’m going to try and write a poem. Have a good day bloggers.

I *Heart* Black

I love being black. I remember drilling that into my head when I was younger. For the simple fact that it was made apparent by other black folks *family, friends, hood rats* that I was everything but black. I guess since you can see my blue veins, and when I was a kid my hair was down to my ass. And black people just aren’t made like that. *wink*


My dad’s family on his mothers side totally ghetto. My grandmother died when my father was 7, so he was basically raised by his aunt, and my grandfather who was always away as a chef on the railroad. * I would like to think my Grandma was nothing like her sister *Anyway this aunt of mine..I was totally grossed out every time I went over there. Her house had the most pungent odor that I have smelled to date. She had roaches…. and bugs.. I hate bugs.. Then I had to eat over there. And get this..me and my cousins had to eat ALL of our food, before we could have anything to drink. Now that I think about it, that is child abuse. None the less I spent many days at her kitchen table crying because I couldn’t get up, while she sat and drank Martell and coffee..smoking Newport after Newport. I would tell my Daddy, and of course he probably went through the same treatment, so there wasn’t much he could do.

I recall one incident where her daughter Meon was outside at a picnic table cleaning catfish.*she has an eye that doesn’t quite look @ you, and is a little slow* I have tons of cousins and when I was at my aunts house I was never alone. That eased my pain somewhat. Anyway after seeing these scales flying off the table all day they expected me to eat the fish along with spaghetti. This day all of my older cousins, older sister, and dad were there, so they put the kids outside to eat. I was with my cousin Nikki *RIP* who was the daughter of Meon and who wasn’t quite right either. But that was my baby..she was a couple of months older than me, and we looked very similar. We were skinny tall little girls, with long thick ass hair. So we were leaning up against the car eating. Well I was attempting to eat. Then I started thinking of the conditions of where my meal was prepared, and the fish scales..and I just threw up!!! Yeah…pretty gross..

Even though my aunts house was in deplorable conditions and I hated eating there, and couldn’t fathom sleeping there..I still loved it because it made me feel black. They hung out in the front yard. They walked through the screen door. They played spades, smoked weed, and drank until early in the morning. My cousins knew all of the latest slang. And of course my Montessori ass was not in the mix at all until they filled me in. Sometimes they would mess with me and speak in the new terminology just to make me mad. I love the way we have our own language. If it weren’t for the Clark Family I wouldn’t be as fluent in African American Vernacular.
I had a couple of fun older cousins that would play games with us, that I know only black people play. ie smut, ni*** knock *where you knock on peoples doors and run* that was my favorite..stupid now that I think about it. But fun!!

So I bet your wondering about my momma nem’…Well my mother is totally pale. She has dusty brownish blonde hair. Her parents weren’t all the light, but my grandmother was a McCoy, and her siblings all had blue eyes. I’m guessing she got a lot of the McCoy genes. Anyway my grandmother being all educated and what not, and above being black, shunned anything away if it was too ethnic. Lawd forbid if I wanted to speak A.A.V over there. She wasn’t having it. My mother speaks very proper too, and when she would try to speak A.A.V..even though she’s better now..she still sounded a hott mess. I love my grandmother, but when I was younger I couldn’t understand how she could call the same people who were exactly like her nigger *or maybe not because they weren’t trying*. My aunt is convinced that my grandmother wanted to be white. I don’t know about that because she could have never passed. I just believe that she was extremely proud of making it..and she made sure that others knew that they hadn’t.

So yes my two family’s never hung out. EVER! I couldn’t image what that would have been like. My grandma would have been turning up her nose, and my dads family would have been talking crap about how my grandma thought she was all that.

Which brings me to this thought…there are so many different varieties of “black people” that can’t embrace each other. We are the only race that discriminates against each other.

“She act too white. She speak too proper.”

“He not black enough”. <<<<< What they say about Barack

I *heart* how we hardly ever make things plural when they need to be..

It is sooo hard to prove yourself in our community. It sickens me. But I will never turn my back on my race. Even though I believe if I wanted to represent another race..it would be possible. I get asked on a daily basis what I’m is..lol Get this..not even just by us. When I worked @ this particular club where a lot of Indians frequented they would come up to me speaking whatever they speak. And Mexican men always speak Spanish to me. I just laugh to myself.


I don’t think in my life time we will see any change within our community. Even though I KNOW it’s not totally our faults that we self hate, but it is on us to change it. I love the book “No Disrespect” by Sista Soljah it filled me in on how we were basically trained to be the way we are. But now it’s on us to fix what they broke…..

Something Terrible # 151

*BLESSES MY PAGE*

Something terrible..
is wanting something
that you can’t conceive

Something terrible
is wanting something
you know you need

Something terrible..
has no cure
it is a terminal disease

Something terrible..
has you to where
you’re soooo hungry
that you feel
the urge binge..
and over eat

Something terrible..
when wanting something
is far away
you dream of it..
something terrible
every minute of every
terrible day

because wanting..
something terrible..
is an aching sensation
that can’t be solved
without the missing variable
like in algebra
you gotta take your time
make proper calculations

I will wait for-EVER
when I want something terrible
I fight tooth and nail
I never give up
*brushes my shoulder off*
Bay-Bay I never fail

150th Post!! A celebration of me..the queen that causes other peoples jealousy

Now that I have “YOUR” attention..let’s get on with the show.

I know “Ya'll" are there watching…Hello!!

I can do this better in a poem.

Thank you
precious gem
for bringing all of “them” here
to mi casa
because you’ve just put me on the map
and I can’t begin
to thank you enough
for that

a production like no other
dealing with human emotion
you were the best producer
because you ran the show
so you thought..
but it back fired didn’t it?
the most you did was…
you pissed
a whole lot of people off
and you still didn’t get
“what women want”
and I get it..
because I DO
have everything you want
because, admit I do
or else you wouldn't
have behaved like a child
but that's what you do
you want to knock
me off of the top
and put me on the bottom
like you..
You want T..and you want Don?
or else you wouldn't
have figured that this would be fun...


…you think you are a gem
but you ain’t nothing
but a stone
I say that because
of what you did
you are typical
the one to “smile”/”comment”
in your face
you did exactly that
when you came into
my home and…
defaced it
you brought my child into this
when you know nothing
of how it really is
in Palmetto and Union City GA
Ms. Anonymous
ya’ll knew it was coming…
Bitch…
you are a want to be me
and of course..
Not!!!
because there is only one F.G.
since you always sniffing something
how does my shit smell
now that I’ve just shitted on you?
honestly…because I know you know
Ms.super nose..

and to your little friend
who added her two cents
and helped participate
in this little skit
you are fake too
here it comes again
Bitch..
you are not welcome here
not that you would want to be
because you are jealous…of me 2
admit it..set your self free
I call it how I see it
your name rhymes here
but I’m bigger than that
so they’ll have to fill in the blank

i couldn’t believe it
that it was ya’ll
two chicks that I don’t even know
ya’ll hope my life shatters
and it falls apart
but just watch…
because trust me
it won’t
even though you
will come quietly
I know you’ll be back
to watch me
my invisible audience
But trust me
I know you’ll see

sorry your little scheme
didn’t work
but I thank you for it
I’m not being sardonic now
if you wouldn’t have done this
then well…
I wouldn’t have become a star..
on blogger.com
and people would have
continued to be plastic
to the ones..
they claim to love
but secretly hate
and commit sins for
which is jealousy and envy
keep knock knock knocking
at the devils door

everything happens for a reason
and what a beautiful picture
that was created
when you scribbled upon us
b.k.a hated
this goes out to you..
Ms. and Ms. two faced
there is no blog beef here
I just say what I feel
and I already know
you ain’t gonna like it
cuz you don’t like me
but that’s cool..i found out your game
it took damn near too long
but it was worth it in the end
to find out what type of people
try to destroy lives
over the internet……

Expressions from *F* as my hair blows in the wind..

I can’t begin to express how I feel. That statement that begins this is scary, because never before have I felt like my words were gone. This whole ordeal turned out to be a positive thing because it gave me time to think..

I am..

23 about to be 24…

I am a mother..and a damn good one, because I CHOSE to bring her into this world.. I will never leave her behind. And where ever I go, she’ll be right there with me.

I may be categorized as “mentally ill” but I know I’m one of the elite. Because I take care of myself, and I know a healthy mind is a terrible thing to waste. I also know that some destined man one day will love me, and my crazy ass.

Picture this…

A woman..

take my face off of her body..

She sits in front of her tv. Wearing nothing but a bra and panties. He comes home to find her there in a pool of her own urine as she sat upon their white leather couch.This isn’t the first time, so he knows the routine. In his mind he knows, that her mind has vacated for awhile. She’ll be back. He knows this.

He gently grabs her hand, which is cold and shivering. He looks into her empty blue eyes, and feels no pity. For this is the love of his life, and he excepts the responsibility, to care for her..now and into eternity. He lifts her up, and carries her into the bathroom. Where he takes of her panties, and removes her bra. He sits her upon the toilet while he turns on the shower, steaming hot. Exactly how she likes it. She is starring @ the wall. He takes off his shoes. He removes his clothes. He climbs in first, then grabs her..and closes the curtain.

He bathes her. He washes her hair. He dry’s her off. Massages her with lotion, and dresses her for bed. Next, He gently and sloppily plants a pony tail at the top of her head.
He leads her to their bedroom, where he tucks her in. Takes her pill bottles out of his pocket, and distributes them into his hands. He suggests she eats a graham cracker so her stomach doesn’t get upset. She obliges, and takes it. She knows what’s next. She must swallow the medicine that will destroy her dreams of peace..

He stares @ her. She is still as can be..she is resting..sound asleep.

He loves her..with all of his heart.

Even though he wants children, living with out her wouldn’t be worth it.


Now back to reality *Me talking*

I know someone will love me, just like in the lyric above. I may be “mentally ill” but damnit why should that matter? But I already know anyone with any type of “disability” is looked at as less of a person. That’s cool, because trust me Bipolar is in..That means I’m in style.. ha! I am one of the great…and I know for a fact that all bitches except my dawgs are going to hate.. No though on a serious tip..If I fell in love with someone who was paraplegic and I got mad at him, what would I look like saying ha ha you can’t walk. Wouldn’t I be considered a bully and insecure with myself if I took his chair and hid it?
I have bipolar, but I’m an All-Star..

I will survive. This whole whatever just happened on blogger.com is funny to me. Trust is something that once it’s gone..it’s hard to get it back. I am the type of person though, shown through action..if I’m in the wrong, I bring it to the light. It makes my soul feel better more than it hurts to tell someone the real deal. I have a conscious, that’s why drama never was one of my friends. But karma is..but she’s a b!tch and we’re talking again.…..

I do not care..what people think of me. Just like then..in the cantankerous cold of Mich-I ain’t never going again* I will do me, and continue to watch the haters heads spin. I graduated with 55 people I believe. I was the non typical black girl..who for 6 years *2 including jr high..schools were combined* I was constantly tested on a daily basis. I would like to say looking back that is something that I am proud of. No matter how much shit they talked, or spread about me..I never fought back*Except once Tameka threw a gel pen at me and it cut my face,..It was over*lol..But really I never fed into their madness..I know that pissed them off more. I recall one incident on the bus. I was a senior on HS. The star of our girls bbteam..should have gone to the WNBA, but got pregnant @ 17 tried to fight me after a visit from a college. She talked about how she wanted to eat my face, up and how she was going to get me.

I stood up for myself that day. What made me spoke was her saying “I know what F be doing.” I spoke loud and clear. I remember what she said more than I do my reponse, but whatever it was it pissed her off. On the way back to the school she was in a rage, trying to get at me anyway she could. Of course I cried * a lot* but she never fought me, because I walked away. Jumped in my black 2-door Sunfire and drove away. In tears. I learned at an early age that black people especially the girls/women because I am one..are generally jealous, backstabbing, shit talking creators. I am the 3rd of my daddies girls..I was supposed to be a boy. That’s why I don’t have the bitch allele.

I will not let anyone hinder who I am..and who I am supposed to be in the end of this journey. Point blank. If I made it out of B.H. Mich. then I know I can make it anywhere.

I don’t need a man. To do shit for me, but help me make a baby. If he does so, that’s nice of him. I appreciate it. I would like to have a man..but need is totally different.

My cousins where I am from, most of them have baby daddies that aren’t worth a damn..and they still make it. In MI there are no jobs, and they still make it. My daddy paid child support, and you better believe when he came home from his house in Detroit, I was looking for his ass. And my daughter will be the same way. I will not take her or prevent her from seeing her father, because I know how strong and important that bond can be. I’m down here, and there is a plethora of opportunity. I will be blessed, and we will be fine.

I want to leave this place..blogger.com because it’s filled with cliques..and bitch shyt. It’s filled with betrayal and lies. I am free of this in my “reality life” except when it comes to..well..whatever. But if I have a choice, I choose not to deal with real life drama. My professor, said to me the other day in a phone conversation…He is a psychologist “Sometimes even when we know it’s best to let go of something that is hurting us, the human psyche won’t allow us to do it, even though we know it’s healthier”. My bones tell me that this is and unsafe environment.

I am sad that the person who first let me know someone was “listening” decided to leave the blog game. But I totally feel him..when your spirit is being disrupted. It’s time to go. My spirit has been disrupted for quite sometime now..and it’s time for me to go, in more ways than one.

And for the people who created all of this mess, going back emailing mis-information, my best friend karma will be paying you a visit. Not even so much the people involved in the “triangle”..the originators of this whole ordeal. You know who you are…

For now..this is me signing off..

*F*

Question?

Am I Beautiful or Sexy..or neither?

Because I thought they were one in the same..but men seem to think not.

Just me..telling about how im horny

I am horny
I need it
and I don’t ever
want to be raped
but I hope
someone would just
come and take it
because my hormones
are raging…

i have never reached
my sexual peek
hell I started early
a tender 16
I just played though
never really learning the game
now I want to be taught..

I have spring fever
but it’s about to be summer
and I want a man
who wants all of me
but now it’s spring
maybe I’ll settle for a fling

my mind needs to be fucked
that’s where it starts
if you can’t touch my brain
how do you expect me to return
the favor..
perform my Einstein?
I need conversation
that can get me moist
without the slightest touch

my ten are getting tired
and I’m bored
of the same ol’ touch
I want to feel the finger prints
of someone else…
if you are him..
speak up

No more babies for me..spoiled ones atleast

I think after today I’ve decided not to have anymore kids. I have been interviewing with this lady for about a month; I may become her nanny.*She hasn't decided whether she wants me or this other lady* Anyway today I kept her daughter, and my daughter. My daughter was jealous of the baby, and confused because she wanted to play with her. The lil girl is only 5mts, and she didn’t understand be gentle, and use your indoor voice. She wasn’t having it. Boy I am tired. This baby is spoiled. She has to see you at all times if she is sitting alone, which doesn’t really get to happen because she likes to be held. My kid was nothing like that. She did her own thing. I’m not used to babies that need attention every second of every hour. She is a lil chunky thing too, and I did yoga yesterday so my arms really hurt.

Then on my way back to her mom’s house we stop at Chic-Filet and I get a chicken sandwich and lemonade, and on my way into her mom’s house I put the lemonade in my purse. *Stupid* Because now my cell phone is ruined I bet. Oh well..I have the inkling to get mad, but I’m not..it’s just a phone. It’s just strange being w/ out it..

I’m cranky...veryy..

To Nafiza

One night, as my daughter slept and one of my favorite shows that isn't Greys Anatomy
was being ignored...Law and Order SVU. I was on my laptop google-ing "Bipolar" because I'm always interested in what is going on..new medications, news stories, ect. and I came upon your video. I watched it, and I choked. It was later confirmed by the Ryan Cameron interview with your boyfriend and sister that you have bipolar, and that you weren't on your medication. I knew it once the video was over. It hurt my feelings that no one helped you.*But you and I both know, that sometimes in those states it is hard to be helped, because "you" don't see anything wrong. I am from the ATL also, and just to let you know..you aren't the only one who "suffers" with this disease.

I say "suffer" because you don't have to "suffer" with bipolar. Unlike cancer, there is somewhat of a cure. Shawty, I know it is hard..but right now you have to open up, and swallow that shit. Opening up meaning: Searching deep with in to find out what makes you have mood swings. Searching deep and finding out what went wrong in your life, and how you can move past it.Finding the right therapist..I know it's expensive, but I know one of my professors who will do it for free.* He is a therapist/professor man* Finding people who understand..Maybe a support group. Psycho education *I hate that it's called psycho-ed* but it's nothing more than researching your "illness". It's going to be hard probably to find your "friends"..or who you think are your "friends"..around. Unless they truly care, they will vanish. *I have a few great friends* I love them. I am offering to be your friend, and help you through this.

Speaking of love, it is hard to find it in this world. It is often destroyed by words and actions that can never be forgiven or forgotten. It may be true that people will never forget you. But you have the final say in how they remember you. If I were you..I would come out with some type of statement..when you're ready whether it be youtube, or through a blog, news ect. I don't even know you my sistah, but I got mad love for you. I wish I could do math, because I would be a therapist..But since I'm not I'm willing to offer my support..and it's close..

Then you have to swallow your pills. If I never meet you, maybe some way you will read this letter, ask them to prescribe you Lamictal *seizure medicine/mood stabilizer* and Prozac/ or effexor. You need a mood stabilizer and depression meds to balance it out.They are the best, no real extreme side effects. And I know for a fact if the psychiatrist doesn't give a damn about you, they will give you the worst medication... Lithium, Risperdol,Depakote, Seroquel ect. So you have to find the right psychiatrist, and swallow the meds they prescribe. Til' this day I still don't want to believe that I have to take pills for the rest of my life, just to be normal,so I take it one day at a time. Enjoying the stability of my life when I take what's prescribed.

It's going to be okay. You will work through this..I've been video taped by someone who claimed they love me, and I broke their phone. Being taunted when you have to live with an illness that isn't shown any sympathy is hard to handle. People look at "us" like it's our faults. When in all actuality it's a combination of nature vs nuture. How the hell we grew up, and the genes we were given. Know that it's not your fault.I've had to learn not to let things get to me, to the point where I could be hospitilized/or in jail. You've probably done both recently, but you can bouce back. Know that. I know you're mad as hell. Probably at yourself, and probably at the world. There are people who support you...not only me.

I hope you take the chance to stand up and fight for "us". Don't let them think that's what we are all about. You are the poster child now for Bipolar. So if you want to, we should join up like super heroes and destroy the stigma.


I am here if you need me...

F G

badyellow@hotmail.com

Would leave my number but I'm afraid.

Reaching out to her

It is going to take a lot of work to help make the stigma of the mentally ill get better. I mean we are looked at as loose cannons waiting to explode. And sometimes our own family has intentions maybe of supporting us, but turn around and treat us the same way society does. If you saw me out on the street, you would have no idea that I have bipolar. Like I’ve said before, I don’t experience psychosis. Mainly just episodes that go from depression/ to mania where I may sleep too much, or not at all, and I also get really hyper. The only thing about that is that most of my cycles are rapid. Where one minute I’m happy, and the next I’m sad. But like I said if I didn’t tell you..you wouldn’t know. Because I keep everything inside.
I was just tipped off by some anonymous person that said they may know where to find Nafiza *the girl in the video*. I hope that they can help me so I can at least talk to her. I am going to take your advice Don and write her a letter, but I really want to meet with her in person. When my creator puts something on my heart, I can’t rest until I act on it.
I know Nafiza probably think the world hates her. She is a celebrity in her own rite now. Everyone knows about her, and most laugh at her story. I don’t see shyt funny because that could have been me. I know I hate taking my meds. I have to suck it up everyday and just swallow them. I think I’ve started and stopped my meds more than 10 times. Finally, I’ve been on them for a while, and boy do I feel much better. I’m off of the emotional rollercoaster, and I would love to help Nafiza get off of hers. Time is relevant, either it will happen or it won’t. But I hope it does..sooner than later.

Google sucks

I am a very caring and loving person. If it is in my power to help someone I do it. I am totally hurt behind this whole girl on the marta train thing. That episode has shaped everyone who saw the video opinion of people with mental illness. I want to reach out to her. After all she is from GA. Right here in Decatur where I work. With a little investigating I found out her name, and her moms name. *Got it from a news site in ATL*. So I tried to google her mother, to see if I could get a phone number..But nothing. I really want to try to reach this girl. I want to tell her that everything can be okay. I know the world has basically turned on her, and I’m sure she feels like she has no way out. I don’t know why but my creator is tugging heavy on my heart to try and reach out to her. I don’t know how to go about it though…But I hope that I do..Any suggestions?

Coming...

*****I know that I write more than probably anybody that I've seen on blogger.com. But I'm treating this as my notebook..and I would write like this..if it were it..




here I come again
gushy schmaltzy
all over my page
an explosion
a discharge of stress
I come over
and over again
leaving a stain
that is nothing but
a nut…
in text
saying what she’s got to say
I have no timing
sometimes I come fast
sometimes I come slow
but the only thing that matters
is that I must finish first
first before I forget
the most important
part of me
….my words

I speak them out loud
when I fuck..
my keyboard
or notebook..
My words reach
out and touch
my most sensitive parts
the deepest depth I can go
Inside….
my words make me shiver
my words get me high
then when it’s over
I want to roll over
and sleep
because writing is a release

All up in my Shyt!

People, People, People
Have stopped amazing me
People never learned to
Actually drive throughout life
They just hop behind the wheel
Without even acquiring
A learner’s permit
And start driving
Like they are drunk
Bobbing and weaving
Hoping to bump into
My vehicle
Pretending they don’t see me
But they do
I am in front of them
But they imagine me
In their rear view
So they speed ahead
And jump in my lane
And then I get pissed
Then I have something to say

I don’t dip
In other peoples business
Unless I’m welcome
Unless I was invited
But people these days
All up in other peoples
Kool-Aid
Without realizing
That it is bitter
Without realizing
There is no sugar
There is no additive
That people can give
When they are
Not welcome
Into other peoples
Business