Update

I passed all six of my classes. I still don't have my passion of writing anymore. I can just imagine what not being able to express myself like I once did through writing will do to me later. I figured that I could leave this message at least. I doubt anyone is checking for me anyway. But just in case... I am alive.

I don't know what else to say.

Foia

Tag you're it!

I was tagged by Tosha ...I am supposed to tell seven random or weird facts about myself...


1. I eat the same thing over and over again until I get tired of it. I call whatever I am interested in eating at the time my "kick"..Right now I am feeling blueberry muffins and turkey sandwiches..

2. I am terrified of police sketches. Something about them sends me into sheer panic.

3. I don't drink the lil bit of water that is left in my water bottle because of the germs and backwash that sinks to the bottom. My mom always used to tell me she was going to pour all of the left over contents into one bottle and make me drink it..Gross!

4. When about to get off of the phone with one of my friends I have the tendency to hang up with out saying bye.

5. I have 2 reoccurring dreams: One is that I am about to go on a trip, but end up forgetting something important. The other is that I am at the airport and my luggage is too heavy. <<<<<<< This pinpoints the reason as to why I have travel anxiety..

6. I always gag when I swallow my meds. One tries to mask the nastiness behind a fruity taste, and the other one is just plain gross..

7. I stand in the mirror and do squats in an attempt make my booty bigger.

This was harder than I thought, because of course I am in no way weird ;)

Anyway I'm tagging...

Variable Particle

Dreamy

Muze

Mikey

Bam

Sexyluv

****I miss my fellow bloggers who have taken a break...

11.19.08

Today was interesting to say the least. In my media and culture class we had an anonymous chat, where we had to at least change our gender. We are taught to believe that gender is a performance. My class did just that. They put on and showed their asses. My professor was present in the chat room and I know she was thinking that that what was going on was way out of hand. I was bored for the most part, because everyone kept talking all freaky. I wanted to discuss issues that weren’t focused around a spectacle, but they weren’t attentive to my needs. I would want to do something like that again if my peers could be serious. My friends still don't know who I was..and no for those viewing *Mr. Sofa King who tracked my blog down* (Frown) I ain't telling just yet...ha!

Then I go to meet my new “client.” I will call him B. He is 57 years old, African American, and autistic. He has a feeding tube and hasn’t had food since 1999, until today when his daycare program gave him Kool-Aid and crackers. So as I’m getting trained to learn how to work this feeding tube thing-a-ma-bobber it gets all backed up and starts squirting out everywhere. He started to scream and the nurse and I started to scream. Crackers clogged the tube. It was like his stomach was throwing up. It smelled bad. It took us an hour to get the 3 cans of liquid to flush throughout the tube. He is a funny guy though. He does “thumbs up” all of the time and so do I. He can do simple tasks by himself. He doesn’t seem violent. On the other hand, he does seem touchy feely. He started to jump up and down on the couch when he first saw me, and kept smiling at me. The nurse was saying to him “You like Miss F don’t you B? You think she’s pretty B?” He would laugh. I hope I can do this. I know I have the heart, but I don’t know if I have the stomach. I freak out instantly at the site of bodily fluids that are being vigorously expelled. Oh well, some of ya’ll know my adopted philosophy on jobs. “F it! Sometimes you just gotta get a check.”


I think gay people
Should be able to get married
A play on words
I think they deserve to be happy
Civil Rights
Disability Rights
Legislature has been written
To create privileges
That make the colored and disabled equal
Rainbow Laws…
Should be included too

We are close minded
A discriminatory society
That feeds off of self hate
And seethes of violence
Creating a coalition
Of rage filled people
Who outcast the “other”
Humans have this down to a science

Gay Rights…are a figment of the future
There needs to be an amendment
…added to the freakin’ Constitution
To let Queers do what they do
They are proud
Why aren’t you
Because the United States of America
Is oppressive society
Where we can’t love who we want
…freely

If you are a woman
You have to be strickly dickly
Never letting your eyes wonder
To the ass right in front of you
Or those big ol titties
Men can't fantasize
About another man
They are supposed to suppress their emotions
If they have them
And put on this totally straight and narrow front
You are doomed if you do like dick
So never think about
Assuming the position to suck
But remember gender is a performance
What matters most
is if you put on well enough or not

We live in a white mans world
And don’t let them convince you of anything else
Lesbian
Heterosexual
Gay
Bi
Straight up confused
Transgendered
Drag Queens
Prancing around in hot pants
All people should have the privilege
And be offered the same benefits
As heterosexual couples
Who legally tie the knot
And lock themselves into the marriage box

I think they should be able to adopt
Because there are too many children abandoned
Out there searching for love
Straight couples have the convenience
Of sperm and an egg
Which naturally
Two moms or two dads do not
They should be able to raise their kids
Without eye rolls and stares
How can you claim to be Christian
When you judge another man
Did you miss the memo
God is the only one who can condemn
He is the ultimate judge
In this courtroom called life
I wonder what he thinks
About ya’ll doing his dirty work
Like he really needs your help

Conservatives= the reason…
As to why we are where we stand
We are supposed to be a free land
But right here..
In the US of A
We have no freedom
We are governed by the white mans rule
With a capitalistic hegemonic outlook
Of me and you
Who designates laws
Set up to make the other fail
I am an other….damn
Yet on the brighter side
I do have the ability to love a man
And I can get married
Legally, anywhere on earth
I guess being gay
Doesn't really pay off

Back on the Couch

I’ve been gone for a minute now and the world has changed. Our country will be now in the hands of President elect Barack Obama. He is level headed and intelligent. He is a captivating man and also we have “something” to look at. Barack is handsome no doubt and I don't even dig light skinned dudes for the most part. My heart beat accelerates whenever I see/hear him speak. I think I have a crush on the president!!

I wonder if my grandmother and her friends sat around and talked about how fine Dr. King and Malcolm X were?

This is a time of change. I can say that the year 2008 for me has been nothing but change.

I’ve changed jobs like underwear. * I got a new one taking care of this guy who is autistic. Wish me luck I start tomorrow*

I’ve taken total acceptance and control of my health.

I have forgiven myself and others for harm caused.

I have learned how to trust myself.

I have silenced a presence in my life and am unsure of the pleasuring qualities within the quietness.

I put a halt on my social networking life.

I started this blog!!

I stopped writing in notebooks and just got used to hitting the “post” button.

I’ve ran away from some pretty good opportunities.

I have accepted that I punked out on many occasions.

I have gained a new way of thinking about this white male capitalistic patriarchal society that we live in.

I now believe in social conspiracy theories.

My philosophy hasn’t changed regarding everything that happens is supposed to happen.

2008 has reinforced that “we” are place in the correct place and time that is meant.

I voted for the first time during this election!

The world has changed and has other countries celebrating the joyous victory of President Obama! He is destined to walk in this moment. This is his time!!

This is my time for therapy..I'm back on the couch..


I haven’t been to therapy in a while
So I am uncomfortable sitting straight up on the couch
I’m about to sprawl out
Unsure of what to say
Struggling to find a place to start
I am going to take a deep breath
And begin to blurt out stuff…
Shrinking myself…. through my art

I am a woman of color
Who is supposedly sexy
Not to mention intelligent
And most defiantly interesting
Who has a “mental illness”
Known as manic depression
P.S. just a side note
If ya’ll didn’t know
I strongly dislike those two words
I always drop the crazy bomb
It doesn’t bother me
Unless you use it inappropriately
Like the word nigger or bitch
Watch your context
In the presence of me
Due to those factors
I name above
Societies hegemonic dominate ideologies
Automatically mark me as oppressed
I am supposed to wear high heels
Shaping garments under a dress
Take my husbands last name
And be forced to take meds
Just to fit into a normalcy construct
That is imagined to be there
Because nobody is normal
Everybody is fucked up..
It’s a matter of acceptance
And taking a seat on the couch

I have admitted to the blog world
About my “disease”
That is degenerative
Therefore it is imperative
That I take what is prescribed
Drugs that pump through my veins
That I am hesitant that I need
Yet convinced when I have a “mood” swing
I wonder if the meds could be killing me?
Causing more harm than good
Creating artificial chemicals
That my brain doesn’t make naturally?
That I wish it could

I am in the closet
Pretending that I lost the key
But it’s in my back pocket
Because I am afraid
Of unlocking the door
To society’s knocking
My “family” and best friends don’t know
They toss the word bipolar around
Like it’s a damn ball
They believe that they are perfect
The epitome of the construct of normalcy
Ideologies that enforce
If your brain is altered in any way
You are labeled as less of a person
And referred to as disabled
I have valid reason
To be insecure
Of how they will view me
Once they know
That I go sit on a shrinks couch
And attend some kind of therapy..


Wheew..I feel better..It's a start..I need to get back into the groove of things. I need to find some inspiration. I need to find some energy to do what I love more than my daughter..

I really need to get better at making up titles...

School is ruining my love for writing. I am tired of thinking. I am tired of my mind being enlightened to what the media is all about. Hell, I want to go work for them. I already have a hard time keeping a job, so I don't need to know any dirty information about my future career. Instead this semester is reinforcing my belief to not give a what.

Think about this ya'll...

I just found out that because I dated white boys, that they/I ate the "other". bell hooks this dope media culture theorist wrote about how when a white man seeks to sleep with a woman of color that he is only doing it because he wants a sense of adventure. Being white is viewed as pure and boring. While being colored means you are primitive and more exciting. They want to engage in adventure, and through sleeping with an "other" they gain a sense of thrill. That is why the white person eats the other. The other being the colored person. And the colored person doesn't have to be black..chile she had the races ranked by who they would want the most. African American females were number 1. They do this not realizing or believing that they are carrying on the white dominate roll of the past. This shocked the hell out of me!

I understood exactly what she was talking about. I understood it from my perspective though. Deep down inside I felt that me gaining white guys attention I was in some what better than the colored girl who couldn't. I felt like having a white boy put me on a whole different level. Even though my choice at the time was based on being fed up with black guys doing my dirty @ age 16 I made my choice to become the "other" who got eaten.

My professor explained that these rolls can never be reversed. If a black guy is with a white girl..she is eating your ass..you have no power. You are still the minority. She dominates over you, because she is white.

Now that I know this right here..it makes me skeptical about if a white guy talks to me or wants to date me that he is trying to "eat the other." That's the type of shit I'm talking about. Some things you just don't need to know. LOL...


********************************

I'm going to dig into her past
To see what was up with Silvia Plath
Because I'm afflicted with the same disease
Except I don't know if I'll one day be published
When I can no longer breathe

I feel fed up
Just like all poets, they say
We can see the world for what it really is
How beauty isn't always beautiful
And how ugly times can heal
But there always will come a time
When we're destined to erase ourselves away
Poof..disapear..into thin air
When we can no longer handle it
......It depends on the poets personality
That decides how it's done..

Because everything is sooo deep
And we always swim out too far
When we should have swam in the shallow in
Because we are really guppies
Though we'd like to think of ourselves as sharks

Poetry..
A gift and a curse
A cliche that is true
And the truth hurts
It is my lifeline
Yep I know it's gonna get cut short
But it won't be depended on anybodys doing
I will pull my own damn cord..


Because I view life through the lens of a poet..

10.22.8

One of my girls told me today that she was voting for McCain because she thought Palin was pretty. I almost kicked her out of my apt. I couldn't believe my ears. I went on and on about how incompetent and air headed she is, and she still wasn't trying to hear me. I then told her about how she couldn't name any Supreme Court cases but Roe vs Wade, and under extreme pressure she said that she thinks that Brown vs Board of Education should be left up to the states. I then I told her if that were to happen that little black and white kids couldn't be friends, because they would be segregated. She then said she was going to vote for Obama. I'm think that she will have the Bradley affect at the polls...

Lets say my life has taken another drastic change. I pray..and by golly he answers. Literally like the next day..VERY QUICKLY. I really don't want to get into the issue to much, but whatever it is left me devastated yesterday. I was mentally and emotionally exhausted. I was home starring into space in the wee hours of the night, and a voice from the sky said, "Call your cousin." So I did. He's a minister. He told me exactly what I already knew, and we prayed. I told him about my whole not really knowing about Jesus being the be all end all, and he told me he understood. I felt relieved somewhat after all that.

Anyway, this too shall pass... But "this" passing hurts like gallstones..and I wish they would just stop passing..

Joe Biden..stop talking so much..You tend to blurt out information that the "others" don't need to hear.

**********************************

I reach my hands up
10 streched out wide
And surrender myself
To the King
And Queen of the sky
Because I cannot navigate
On my own
Throughout this life of mine
Because I keep losing my way
Searching quite diligently
For that bright light

I am stubborn
I am blind
I refuse to open my eyes daily
So they remain shut
Everythings dark
And I'm working on making images blurry
Because I continousouly
Move throughout life
Always stumbling
And bumping into stuff
But at this moment here

I'm going to blink
I'm opening my eyes
Then.....
My feet will take off
To follow what I see
Running for help
King or Queen
Please..Please help me

10.17.08

I've seen and read, but never realized that fiction almost always has some type of character with a disability. "Of Mice and Men," "Memoirs of a Geisha," "The Darkest Child," "The Color Purple," comic book characters ie. Batman has it's share of mentally ill evil guys. The disability can be visible(physical) or invisible(mental, sometimes) and are perpetuated by the media in a way that I don't know if I'm too pleased with.

For instance I was watching Law and Order: SVU the other night, and Stablers daughter supposedly is mentally ill. She apparently inherited the gene from her grandmother, which is Stablers mother. Whom he's ashamed of. I missed the beginning, but I gathered that his daughter had been doing a whole lot of things that were erratic. Stabler gave some evidence up on his daughter, because jail was the only place where his daughter could be forcefully medicated. So Olivia goes to find Stablers mother, to make a long story short..His mother described how Stabler was ashamed of her because she was always high strung and eccentric. She told Olivia that one night she was driving with her husband and Stabler in the snow, and thought she was chasing snowflakes. Due to her hallucination she crashed, and Stablers arm was broken. The grandmother then agrees to go talk to the granddaughter to get her to agree to take medicine. She convinces her. Stablers daughters last words to her grandmother were "Do you think I'm crazy?" The grandmother replied, "I think you're just different darling." Something along those lines...

You never see a "mentally ill" person who has their shit together. Why can't we see a representation of a person who takes their meds, a person who runs a support group, a person who goes to therapy? I understand, but at the same time, I have no clue.

*******************



CRASH
That is all I remember
When I busted into that tree
That cold, drafty, December
I didn't have my seat belt on
....And now I'm a quadriplegic
I've been told that I'm lucky
That I don't need a trache to breathe
I can turn my head
So I am able to look where I please

I remember when he first saw me
In traction in room 203
He came in strong
He came prepared
Until he internalized
That I could not move
Like I once did
My beautiful limbs
Forced now...
To be frozen still
My brain is still alive
He realized as so did I
That my body
As I knew it in the past
...Was dead
He rubbed my hand
As I starred into space
Because I couldn't believe
That I would no longer
Enjoy my husbands stroke
...inside of me
EVER EVER AGAIN
And before this happened
We were planning to have kids..

That was three years ago
And he's still here
Treating me just the same
Only now has to bend down to kiss me
I can still feel my lips
And how I wish to stand
Eye level with him
Just once again
Instead I've found a home
Right in my chair
And our intimate life
Is a little different
But please believe
It is still there
I am just glad
That he's still here
And that he's not ashamed
Of his wife
........Or her disability
Or this gift of a chair

Wow!

The debate was very spine tingling tonight. I think my man B did excellent. McCain looked like a angry oompa loompa. I hope he knows that the camera was on him the whole time. Looking like a damn fool. He was blinking so hard when B was talking, and he couldn't even look at him. Barack didn't hardly write a thing, while on the other hand Mcain wrote a essay on that note pad of his. I hope he knows that his image perpetuates a hostile, cantankerous, cranky, nursing home bound, elderly person, who doesn't need to be running nowhere but to the bathroom, or to the grave.On CNN the polls went flat line when McCain was talking about Palin being qualified for the job if he should pass. By golly I think we are in trouble.

You don't want to spread the wealth around McCain? Us poor folk can't get a tax cut huh McCain? This man has 9 something houses right? How greedy can these corporations be? Rich and irresponsible. Whatever billion that bail out was will it trickle down to us the common man? Hell to the no. Everything is going up except the pay rate. People are angry, cranky, and simply fed up. I can't stand to live under another 4 years of BushCain doctrine. He would be better than Palin any day, so I hope he lives if he wins. Because gosh darn it God Bless American.

I wonder if my grandmother and all the women in the 60's thought that Dr. King was fine? Did they sit around and talk about how sexy he was like me and other females do when it comes to O? I know I love me some B. He knows that he looks good in a suit. Go head!

*******************************

Do you ever watch a film or tv show
And wish you had a perfect romance
That your favorite characters get to portray?
I know that the "Titanic"
Makes me believe
In love, and if I were drowning in a sea
That my love
Would sacrifice them self
And not let me freeze

Because I would do the same
For them in the time of need
But love turns it's back often
Because people forget
That falling in love feel

*********************************

I think I'm fallin' off with this poetry thing. I need some damn inspiration. I can't find it..goodness..It always returns. It always has since I've been 13. Have a wonderful day!

A lil somethin somethin

***Question: Would you consider dating a person who would be considered a good catch, who was not registered to vote, or if they were registered had no intentions of going to the poll and voting BO in? I heard this question posed on Frank's morning show V103 a couple of days ago, and I wanted to know what ya'll think? If there is a ya'll..People been dropping off the blogger planet lately. So who knows what's up..*****

Okayhere is a little catch up if you care about what's been going on with me. If not scroll down until you hit my poem if that's how I tickle your fancy..

Exhale** I need a breathe of fresh air. I am barely breathing over here, I'm so stressed out. There is too much to tell in detail, and I really don't feel like getting into it anyway. Let's me just sum it up. My job is really stressful. I'm fed up with the owner who is Asian being too cheap to turn the air on. I'm sick of sweating my edges out. Haha! I'm tired of the disabled children who beat the shit out of me, disrupt the whole class, and don't listen being main streamed. I'm tired of the director who happens to be Indian *they are cool, except as a boss. Then they take it overboard. I'm talking about the women, because they feel some sense of power over someone finally. Then they abuse it,* telling me "Why don't you do this, or that?" No. Why don't you shut the hell up, or get up from that damn chair and help me with these rowdy ass kids? Today I was fed up, and totally ignored her, and rolled my eyes. I don't care at this point if I get fired, cuz damnit I'm thinking of just saying "I QUIT." Got me mopping and sweeping floors like Cinderella, because they are too cheap to hire somebody to clean the place. I am damn tired.

Then school is kicking my ass because I feel like I don't have enough time to get anything done. I'm tired of time limits on quizzes, and test. Damnit, some people don't work well under pressure. I am one of them. Now it's cool if I know my class is 50 mins or a hour and fifteen mins, and I have the entire class period to do it. I'm cool then, but this you got 40 mins to answer these many questions, and write two perfect essays.

I feel as if I need some ADHD medicine or something, because I can't damn pay attention. I blurt out crap, even though most of the time I'm right, it still is inappropriate at times. I feel a bit depressed thinking about that right there. Depression hurts. Now if ya didn't know that is what my main polar is. Sadness is a virtue that I seek to escape. I can't let myself sink into that place. I can't wait until December so I can rest. Geeze..I will make it one way or another.


I step outside of myself often
When it comes to my poems
They are not only
My personal confessional
They are a true testament
Of representations that I see
I just reflect them
Hoping that you can step outside
Of the image
You've painted of me

But today
I am self centered
This is all about me
Brace ya self
Cuz I got some shit to say

Britney's new song says
Men are womanizers
Repeatedly, it's a trend
And just like she said
"They say that I'm crazy
I got yo crazy"
No matter what
I'm still drop dead
Crazy or not
I turn damn heads
That's what you call gorgeous
I am not conceited
I'm just soaking it all in
While I still got it
Hate me why don't ya
Cuz I love it!

The male gaze
I'm guessing is..
Why they can't stop
Gazing at me
It makes me self conscious
Makes me think
I got something hideous on my face
I don't think I'm all that hype
Even though I know I'm blessed to be
This damn flyy..


Okay..this isn't political or anything. Just me having fun with Noir. I'm really too damn tired quite frankly darlin's to give you more than this..O well..Have a good one..

I'm here!

I am so freakin' tired. I didn't think I could be this exhausted. Ya girl or not is burried under so much homework, that I'm struggling to get this out. It's 1:00 in the a.m. and I gotta go to class @ 8:25 in the morning. I hope I make it there. So, I don't have much. I just figured I would stop by my own blog, and leave a message that I'm alive. Just super tired! I miss visiting my favorite blogs..Don, VP, Dreamy (although I heard that she dipped out on me) Mike, and Muze!!!

10.8.08

I'm watching the debate, and I noticed that McCain wobbles while he walks. According to semiotics they would say that there is a deeper meaning according to his wobbling. The deeper meaning I think is with McCain as a President would mean a wobbly next 4 years. Honestly I will not take it well if McCain wins the Presidency. That's all I can say..his ass is going to DIE and leave us with this stupid ass woman gosh-darnit..lol.. Bygolly, I don't think I can stomach such a spectacle. I am a registered voter, and I will vote OBAMA!!!

I have been gone for a long time, and I must say..I got 3 b's and 3'cs out of my 6 classes @ midterm. I am so excited, because I just knew for sure I had 2'fs.. I am so proud of myself. This means if I buckle down harder I can make the B's...A's...and the C's...B's.... My absence paid off..HA!

In other news I am also proud that is been a whole year since I was hospitalized. It's been a whole year since my therapist said that I had hit my bottom. I am so proud of myself that it's been a whole year since I've been committed to my meds. I'm so skinny that I don't even do a full dose of any med. When people imagine Bipolar they see extremely psychotic. With me it is extreme is depression. Like the commerical say's it hurts. I am extremely excited as of today that I am stably happy.
Thanks to YOU..for what you did. It was the best thing that YOU could have done for me..KNOW that...

I'm looking for a wig like Senator Palin, and I can't forget the glasses. So I can do a parody on youtube.I wouldn't be the first, but I'm light enough that I think I can pull it off. I would get a crack out of it if nothing else. She is so stupid! Not knowing any of the news papers that circulate throughout the US. She could have said the NY times, or the news paper in Alaska, but *you knew it was coming* bitch could even name one news paper. Dumb...then she said Brown vs Board of Education should be left up to the states. Dumb ass..that's the only Supreme Court case that she knew as a Senator. Brown vs. Education was the worst case that she could have called out. Bitch that means you want GA to reevaluate whether or not I should go to school with my counterparts, or whether or not my baby girl should be segregated when she starts Pre-K..Brown, black, or yellow skin deserves to be treated equally. Stupid white people came up with the opposite...Oppress yourself..Stupid..There are black people too who hate their own race, but they are a minority. I'm not speaking of them to make it clear. I'm talking about people who believe in white supremcy. You suck! GOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OBAMA!!! You sexy, intellectual, light skinned man you..

*************************************

I pay dues
I give Hip Hop honors
To Rap
Even though I was young
I was still one
Who did participate
In the cultural stabilization
In which we call HIP HOP
The true MOVEMENT
Of every oppressed
Black "man"
Which includes me
Most importantly...
.........A woman
Whose favorite word is...
BITCH

Who is an 80's baby
Who grew up in the 90's
The era of stretch pants
And Hammer
I remember doing the runnin man
And the cabbage patch
Attempting to do those moves
Were my first experiences
Learning how to dance

Salt and Pepper "Push It"
Was the first song
I memorized
I was 2
I remember jammin to Monie Love
Dancing in front of my grandmothers microwave
I could see my reflection
In Hip Hop at an early age
Which allows me to do what I do, today
I write what's in my heart
And never censor what I got to say

Just like Hip Hop
I can be remixed
But there is always an original
And I am it
Somewhat sensual
And always explicit

The only think I'm missing is a beat
And a hook
Put that together..
I'm a self made track
That ya'll always gotta rewind
That got ya'll wanting to come back
That got ya'll putting me on repeat
Even though I took time off
To collabrate
With life, and what it do
To feel the person
Who lies withing me and you
Do you feel me
Or am I chopped and screwed?

I love Hip Hop
Even though I feel women are...
Disrespected and depicted as over used
I still love the rhymes
And the beats
The overall feel
Because in all honestly
Until the world ends..there will always be
Bitches and Hoes
Just like TI told Oprah
You can't avoid what is
In the Fucked up world
I will end on that note
Because I done ran out of music
Don'tcha know..
Therefore, I done stopped..
But I will never be put on
MUTE

Update

Midterms are over. That's why I had to take a break. I got some of my grades back just a few minutes ago. So far out of my 6 classes I have 3 B's and one C. I was expecting that C to be a D, because the Professor is not impressed with my writing at all. So far I am pleased with myself. This is going to be a short one tonight. I just wanted to come back and give an update as to why I was absent. I've noticed that a lot of my fellow bloggers have also taken a break. I hope they decide to return. I've missed ya'll though. *the people who comment* Ya'll know who you are.

Anyway ya girl gotta go read for the class she has a C in...

I have not vanished. I will return shortly. This is not good-bye!

Ugly-Beautiful World

I see the beauty in anything
I follow my intuition
And it leads me to exactly
What I'm supposed to see
After, I get over the initial shock
There is a moment
where.i.feel.free

Free to know what really is
Free to validate my fears
Free to make the decisions that I make
Free to with both hands to cover my ears
Free to not listen to what anyone has to say
Free to throw up a bird

I see the ugliness of the world
It's uncovered to me daily
You better watch your back
I walk backwards through life
Carefully placing each step
Because 'you' may be playing with the enemy
Who's always smiling all in your face
While they plan...
Exactly where they're going to plant the knife
When they go for the kill
Which always misses by an inch or two
Because you're always ahead

The thing about enemies
Is that they are always revealed
And if you follow your heart
It will lead you to the truth
I try to balance out
The ugly-beautiful world
By staying true to my goT damn self
And always saying F you
I know what's in my heart
Because don't nobody mean me no good

There is a law of the Universe..Karma
Who doesn't leave me out of the mix
She has kicked my ass before
She's a chick so we are in no way friends
But she's done wonders for me
Because I repent
She's tied in with God
Who said we'll all do wrong
During this walk around
This ugly-beautiful life
That nobody but Jesus was perfect
So people kick the holier than thou act
To the curb
God let's Karma do the dirty work
While he tries to save our souls
And so do I

I won't swing a fist
Or utter a word verbally
But I'll write the shit out of
A bad situation
In the form of what I call a poem
That's how I move on
That's how I find forgiveness
For viewing some F*ed up shit
In this ugly-beautiful world

I have mental images
That will always be stored
Deeply embedded in my psyche
I am just happy
I have deep insight
So even if it's too bright
I can still see
The homeliest beauty
That lies within you and I
In this ugly-beautiful world

Yo....

I've got a series of unfortunate events that are happening so simultaneously in my life, that I actually feel like Muze, why in the hell is the person narrating my life deciding to take me down this direction?

Today started as a good day. I was jammin' to Mary J's new album all the way to school.I go to find my cell phone in my purse, while listening to my Professor talk about John Mark Carr moving out of Atlanta. It was nowhere to be found. Damn. I left it at home. I felt helpless. What numbers I do know are useless to me, because those are not the numbers that I needed to dial. I went to my second class, and debated whether to go home or not. I opted to stay near campus, but I had to get food. As I'm driving I hear this clicking noise. I knew something was wrong with my tire. As I pulled into the parking space in front of the building where my last class is located I noticed a nail in my tire. Damn. The last time this happened the man at the gas station just pulled it out, and said it didn't even penetrate the tire. I attempted to remove it with my key, but decided not to. I go to class exclaiming my problem, and praying that one of the 6 or 7guys in my class knew something about tires. How they were going to help me I don't know. I go up to my Professor who is not to be played with, and tell her my problem. I told her that I needed to leave early, and asked her if I'd be penalized. She said it would be one of the 2 times I could be late before my grade would be lowered. I'm like damn. I instantly go into panic mode. I already called in this week from work, because of the whole license ordeal. I didn't have my cell phone with me. I was nervous about driving a whole hour away to work and back with a nail in my tire. I was totally not focused anymore. I did horrible on the daily quiz for my class. Fuck it is what were learning about. Marxism really, but that's how I interpret it.

I stayed in her class. She let us out early. I thanked her, and I meant it.

I made it to work and home safely with the nail in my tire. My first class got canceled for tomorrow. I'll get the tire fixed in the morning.I conclude on that tip with it being an okay day.

***********************************

RSA
..Getting snatched up
In so many ways
By the state
Getting whisked away
By force and by violence
Due to the control system
The "man" has in place

Ideology
Is a common way of thinking
Agreeing on what should be
Or shouldn't be occurring
A path that follows the leader
A way to conform..
Repressive State Apparatus
Is the real world order
In this f-ed up world

I was hemmed up
Thrown to the concrete
by.clayton.state.
I believed something different
In my thought process
I believed that I was okay
So I tried to run away
But by force and by violence
They snatched me up
To a place..
Where I was supposed to agree and nod
To be a good little patient
And ingest medications
"Designed" to make me feel better
When I should have said "Fuck it"
A combination of manic depression
...and repression
As I conform to social norms
Which are Marxed on me..
Forever........

250th Post!

"I'd like to propose a toast..I said toast mothafucka!!" Kanye West "Last Call"

I love Kanye and his lyrical style. I felt that was important for you to know.. And that introduction to that song is hilarious!!


Time to get explicit
I'm searching for the one
To mesmerize me
The one who will force me
To jump into love
With my eyes closed
Which will lead him
Directly into my heart
And passionately into my clothes

I am a woman
Therefore.. I should not search
He should come find me
Riding in on a horse
And whisk me away to his castle
With 7 little dwarfs
And treat me like a Disney princess
But fuck me like a whore

I've got my own storyline
i'm.princess.looking.for.love.
Searching for someone
..searching for me
That is pitching straight
Who IS afraid
Of getting dirty
That's why he always wear gloves
Who would always speak to me
In the most sensual tone
Whispering so closely
Making me spit out
A fluid language of my own

Where is he?
mr.prince.searching
Probably somewhere lost
Too manly to ask for directions....




********************************************************

Yesterday was my Grandma's birthday. Rest her sweet soul. It is so funny how the Universe tells you things. I have been all emotional lately, crying and carrying on. I woke up yesterday, without even realizing the date with her on my mind. I couldn't get the image of the last time I saw her out of my head. We were in an airport, and separated by glass. We both knew that would be the last time would would lay eyes on each other. I had to turn on some T.I *Clifford* so that I wouldn't start crying again. Then at school I wrote the date in my notebook, and it dawned on me that it was her birthday. I need to pay tribute...Separated by the **********'s my Grandma's birthday has nothing to do w/ the prose above..

09.15

*Sigh* Today I woke up just knowing it was going to be a good day. I try to have a positive outlook on each day. That is until something comes to f it all up. I am the first to admit that one thing can ruin my whole entire day.

I get an email Friday from the computer fixer people at my school, saying that I left my license. They took it to public safety. So why when I go to public safety this morning all jovial just knowing they had my license, the woman told me they mailed it?? Now that wouldn't be a problem except my old address ie. baby girl's dads house, doesn't have a damn mailbox. We had a po box. That means when they try to take it to that address, the mailbox will be invisible. That's not that part that pisses me off, they didn't even have the decency to put my license in an envelope. That means there is no return to sender. She said they just dropped it in. With a freakin' attitude. Talking about I better be glad she didn't shred it.

Okay..

I evaluated the situation, and decided to walk away before I found a way behind that glass to punch that lady in her face. I see why they have that damn glass up there now, so people like me can't reach in and wring their necks. I walked down the steps, and immediately started crying. I had my shades on, and tears were just rolling down my cheeks. I know I turned red. Two guys stopped and even sat with me while I was freaking out. I couldn't even talk to them. I was thinking # 1. I don't have any money to replace a new license. #2. I can't miss school or work. #3. How can I stop myself from breaking down like this?

I called my job, freaking out also. I told my boss what happened barely, and she told me to handle it. She said it would be okay. She told me to calm down, and that it wasn't the end of the world. Well duh..I know this..but it still didn't matter... I couldn't convince myself of that then.

I walked from outside to go to the bathroom, and I started ballin' harder. Some girl was in the bathroom pretending to be in the mirror. Ya'll I wanted to scream at her, but I contained myself. I managed to stop crying, because I needed to go to the circulation desk in the library, to get some books they had on reserve for me. The librarian asked if I was okay. I shook my head no. She asked if I wanted to go talk to a counselor. I shook my head no. She told me that it would be okay, and if I didn't want to talk to them then I could talk to her. I managed to say thank you. Then I started crying again. How embarrassing. Tomorrow I will go tell her how much I appreciate her kindness.

This all was happening during the 10 o'clock hour, and my next class was at 11. I knew I had to straighten it up. I stopped crying for the most part during my classes, but random tears just kept falling down my face staining my pages. My professor for two classes in a row I think could tell something was wrong, because he kept looking at me all funny. I know he was like WTF?

I wasn't upset at the license anymore. I was upset because I'm tired of being like this.I hate holding everything in until it is too late, and then I just explode.I don't go out into the world fearing that I will have a mood swing in front of people. Maybe I should now, because that shit is not cool what happened today. I usually go into hiding when I feel uneasy. But what if somebody youtubes me?

Then my zip drive breaks @ work..ARGH! It fell out of my bag. I started to cry again. My boss hugged me and told me it would be okay. Goodness gracious, when I cry..I cry..Because I NEVER cry until my tears are built up that they overflow. I must say that I've cried an awful lot in 08. 8 is supposed to be my lucky number, maybe I need to rethink that.

I know it's probably due to me loosing my meds. I found them when I got home in a purse that I was carrying last week. Now my body has to readjust, and that means I'll be up all night crunk as ever. I feel queasy and whatnot when I don't take them, but I do get a moment to just chill. I don't feel as hyper when I don't take them. Anyway, I didn't do it on purpose. I am committed that I will not ride a roller coaster around life.

I hope that all of this greif is training me to not take things so seriously in the future. Even though, I've been this way my ENTIRE life there is always room for change. Just like Obama I'm all about improvement, and change. That is one of the reasons that I write, to help me pin point my faults. After I post this..A weight will be lifted, and can move on from today. Tomorrow could be f-ed up too, but at least today will be behind me..

I know I shouldn't let stuff get to me that is out of my control..I know, I know. I just don't know how to go about it.....I seek and I shall find...

*************************

I noticed today..
That when ever something
Goes right or wrong
Majorly.
That I dial your 10 digits
Instantly.
On my pink starry phone
I don't even need speed dial
Yours is one of the few
That I actually know
But why is that?
I ponder..
Because the reality is..
My pain is beautiful to you
It's like life's doing the abusing
So you don't have to
You get to take a break
While you gather evidence
To use against me next..

I believe I call
Because calling you
At one moment, in my time
Was the right thing to do
I want to believe
That there was a day
When you truly loved me
And viewed my pain
....as ugly
A mere scar that I worked hard
...to make disappear
I want to believe
There was a time
When I was comforted by you
But things are a little foggy now
And I'm confused
As to why I still call you?

What becomes of a dream?
To answer that..
....an end
We fell asleep to sunshine
And awoke to night
Dreams can turn into nightmares quickly
There was one point in our time
That we couldn't be told nothin'
We were smitten
It could be seen in our eyes
We talked about forever
Reciting metaphors and such
Declaring our love..
In bed together
We made magic
Our daughter
And for that..
I will love you forever
And if you didn't know it
Now you do
Cuz I wrote it..
Maybe that is a reason..
As to why I keep calling?
Oh well..
One day it will have only been a habit
That somehow got broken....

Sunday

Am I the only one who believes weekends are way too short? I feel like I haven't gotten anything done.I can't take watching my textual analysis film anymore at this point. I let one of my girls check it out, and hopefully she burned it. I say let because we are only suppose to be able to check it out once in a 24hr period at my school library, but I've had it for about 2 weeks. I would have someone check it in for me, then I would check it right back out.I got tired of looking at Bush. My goodness I can't wait until November.. Until then So Goes the Nation..

I can barely hold my head up. I can't find my damn pills. I suggested taking effexor, which is giving me these terrible side effects.I have withdrawal symptoms that make me feel like I'm dying.If I sit up too fast I will be coming right back down.Dizzy goes the girl. I gotta find them a.s.a.p. Because I feel tipsy, and I didn't even drink anything. I am very depressed about this test I took Friday. Argh..I read all of the chapters, but somehow I managed not to comprehend anything.I needed facts..not definitions. Again, too much information for 50 questions without narrowing anything down. Damn. Life.Goes.On.

Anyway.. Ya'll I told you that it was an epidemic of..

Men ****ing up.. In turn leaving us hurt. We then succumb to our wandering minds..

Another one of us has crossed over to the other side..



Lindsay is a beautiful girl right? But what is up with women who leave dudes alone to only get a mangirl? I'm so confused. How is there anything attractive about Sam? Now, I am not the one to be all caught up in appearances. I believe personality and swag can take over for a "ugly" face. I'm sure that's what Sam has going on, and no telling what else.



Lindsay was with Wilber back in the day remember?



Now she's kissed a girl..and she liked it..



I'm just sayin'....What is the world coming to?

****************************

Randomness

Today was a good day. I have some pretty cool professors. I think I'm getting a quality education. I love the small class sizes. It reminds me of how my hs used to be. A very cozy and intimate environment. No more than 30 something of us per class. I have a class with only 8 people. The professor is cool, and really personable. She makes sure you do your work, unlike some professors who don't care one way or another. She has been pissed at me more than once this semester. She speaks her mind, and she will let you know what's up. Everything bothers me, so I had to ask her what she meant by the comments that she made to me, about me. She told me that she expects a lot, because she thinks that I'm smart. This is the first time she was pissed @ me. We made up. Then I get her mad at me Tuesday,to the point where she was avoiding eye contact and walking past me in the hallway rolling her eyes. It's was hilarious! I felt bad. So again that bothered me, which made me crash what I had to do next. Then today I apologize again, and she said that she really appreciated it. I'm not going to tell you why and what she said, because eh..

So it's test time in all of my classes. The first real round of see what you've absorbed time. I have a FEAR that I've lost the true technique of writing. I believe that it's due to the fact that I'm a poet. I don't use punctuation. I've used too many ....... to separate sentences that I forgot how to write technically. I had this thesis due for my media and culture class yesterday by 2:00. I was sitting in my previous class taking notes, listening, and trying to work out my thesis. I knew my professor probably wouldn't be impressed. Her PhD is from Emory, and is kickin our asses accordingly. The thing is I believe that I am a good student, but I have to be guided in some way. Many of my classmates feel as if we don't know which way we are going. I don't think I'm performing how I know that I can. We are learning about fear in the media, and we fear her. lol. We just don't know what to expect. Yet, overall she is great at what she does. She is passionate which is good, but she is kick ass. She is my adviser also, and I must say that I should have listened to her when she said 18 credit hrs would be a lot.

I studied all night last night for our first exam for media and culture. Thanks to Red Bull I was able to stay up. I got up this morning fearing what conundrum I was going to encounter @ 12:45.

Fast forwarding to the exam. Her TA's give the exam. There is a time limit on the exam. I'm having an anxiety attack and I felt like I was about to pass out. They hand out the test, and I flip it over. It was 3 or 4 multiple true/false questions, and 3 short essays. I think I missed one of the multiple choice questions. It is possible with my luck that I missed all of the multiple choice. Then the essay part. My penman ship is not too pretty, but mechanical pencils help out a lot. I didn't indent my paragraphs. All I could think of was pour all of this information out on this page. I know she's gonna be like WTF? Next time I'll know better. Overall I think I emptied what I learned onto the paper. I don't know again with my luck I may have perceived it all wrong.
It wasn't that bad though. I still have fear in me. haha

Then comes this thesis statement. We were to pick a film, watch it, and analyze it. Not give the plot summary. I'm finding that to be the hardest thing to separate. So last night it finally all came together when I thought about all of the media cultural theorist ideas and how they related to my film. Today my partners and the TA gives me back their comments. *I called them baby B's. Everyone thought that was funny because they are just like her. No bull shit please. So I looked at it my comments and thought damn I type too damn fast, and I already know my words so it's kind of hard to catch mistakes. She again probably believes I'm not with it, but at least I'll know better *hopefully* next time.

I really love my choice of major. I am ready to become a part of that dirty world, because if you do not know it is grimy. From what I'm learning and confirming what I already know, is that media jobs and what not aren't going anywhere. Confirming what I already know is that there is a deeper meaning to everything that we represent. We are only presenting images in society. Nothing about life is authentic anymore. I am able to question authority, and critically think about the spectacles that are orchestrated around us all. Take for instance this whole Palin thing. I don't care if I spelled her name right or not, but the media is making a bigger deal out of this lipstick wearin' pig instead of focusing on the real issues. Hello, we Americans are hurting and all they the media can talk about is pork. I know that the world and society is tainted something terrible. It just dawned on me that I am confused. They are training us, giving us test and what not, making us understand theorist,so that we can go out there and work for the spectacle?? Life is a damn spectacle, and I'm confused why am I feeling like I'm in the military and they are training me to be okay with killing?

I have an Alice in Wonderland clip.. It's voice over. I like it. Pretty clever. Check it out..

Please Call Me Before....

Yo...

I think the heavens are trying to tell me something.

I hear..quit your job. I hear quit wasting gas. I hear that if I quit my job, that I can find another one very quickly. I hear..go cocktail. I hear more money, and more time to study and be a mother.

K.. A quick run down of my job. Everything was manageable despite the fact that I have no resources to keep the kids entertained. I mean the crayons are broken up and so raggedy. We don't even have freakin' hot water!! What a code violation. It's gross in there. You can find plenty of ants everywhere. They wanted baby girl to go there. I passed not only because that school is breaking every code violation in the book, but they don't learn anything there.

So the "manager" over me who hates to be there, decides that she's going to take a week off. Cool. It was Ms. Mo and Ms. T , and of course me. We had things on lock. Where things go wrong is when Ms. T who is 17 turns, on the radio and it was Young Jeezy. I guess some kid told their parents. She was deep in it. Somehow she talked her way out of it on the phone with our director.Then it was my turn. It was yesterday. I had no idea what to expect. She said something to me about the music, but she said she didn't hear my name in it. I was like wheew! Then she said,"Okay one of the parents came to me and you're going to know exactly who I'm talking about when I tell you what was said. Mikey *who is the little boy who is sooo cute, who is basically I don't know how to define it. The "normal" world would call him disabled. Autistic they say. I don't see it. He doesn't flap his hands or head from side to side. He can sit down and look at a book. He can climb all over the play ground and not fall. He plays with one toy at a time. And if something happens, Mikey is headed straight towards me with his head. He gets mad a lot, because he can communicate very well.* I just figured I would give new readers a lil back ground info.

"The parent said that you told Mikey that he was so intelligent in a sarcastic tone."

What she is talking about is one afternoon about 5:00 I was greeting this parent, who obviously doesn't know Mikey. She over hears me saying "OMG Mikey you are so smart." I said this because Mikey who is supposed to be Autistic runs from across the play ground to say, "A baby." Which the parent who told on me was holding. It was the sweetest thing in the whole world. I actually meant he is so smart.

Stupid bitch. Loyal readers you know I was gonna say it..lol.

I defended myself on the phone, basically telling her how I meant what I said. I told her that Mikey surprises me every day, and that I'm amazed by how much he actually interacts with his world if he's supposedly Autistic.

She told me she was questioning whether she made the right decision to leave me in charge of the pre primary after school program. I was like here it comes..Dun Dun Dun...Like Donald Trump.. "You're fired."
She told me she was taking my word for it, and she thinks I have a lot to offer. Blah Blah Blah..Wheew!

Then yesterday the manager lady who DOESN'T want to be there has the biggest attitude. To make a long story short, she asked me if the schedule was the same. I said yes. She goes into the room with the toddlers, and me and Ms. T were doing our thing. We had our broke down crayons, and some coloring sheets. The kids get pretty bored easily. The girls can sit down for a long period of time, but it's always those boys who run up to me every single time they draw a line or something. They hit each other, they try to poke each other with pencils. They are terrible. So, I decide a half an hour before snack time that I was going to take them outside. The manger lady who DOESN'T want to be there yells at me, "I thought the schedule was the same..yada yada.. " I don't think I caught an attitude. I just listened to what she had to say. "Okay" was all I had to say. I walked away. Pissed off. I had already had a bad day at school. No need to tell it. This crap here was way to much to deal with. Then Ms. T, and the manager lady get into it about sweeping the floor and what not. Then Ms. T calls the "director." Keep in mind that I talked to the director after Ms. T. Then after Ms. T leaves the manager lady came into the classroom, that smells like mildew quite forcefully. I turn around like WTF? A couple of parents saw the door to the hot ass classroom that has no air, and decided to enter and leave through the door.

She says " I don't know if you're trying to be funny and tell me something, but I'm put here to greet parents and their leaving out that door."

Okay..Ms. Leo<<<<< I try to keep it calm and collective. I put up with A LOT before I explode. But it was hot in there and I said, "This is not about you. Ms. J said that I can have the door open. It's hot in here, and you don't have to be in here. I'll send the parents in there." I was pissed off already, but my pissed off @ this moment is like I wanna cry. I could under stand why she was snappin' off, because she DIDN'T want to be there. I was hot, miserable, and needed to be studying. I think I handled it well, but last night I got the epiphany that I talked about above.

I was expecting to be fired today, because the manager lady was going to exaggerate the situation. I said at school to one of my girls that I didn't care if they fired me. I just would hope they would call me before making me drive an hour away. lol. So today when I get there.. No Ms. T in sight. There was some other chick with a short hair cut. The lead teacher said that Ms. T would no longer be with us. I asked her if I was in trouble? I guess not, because she asked me to go clean the bathroom, and the kitchen. Good, I didn't want to be with the kids at that moment anyway.

Then to make another long story short..The new girl who is 18, who ran the ASP last year decides to hand me a "new schedule." I'm like WTF? I didn't say it, thought it though..So I said okay whatever. I knew the manager lady wasn't going to have it. Remember that I only went outside a half an hour early, but here the lil chick was changing the whole schedule. Sure enough the kids couldn't sit through another 45 minutes of reading time, when I had already read for an half an hour. We let her crash and burn. We did her plan. The kids couldn't sit still. Manager lady and I at the same time say, "4:00 it's snack time." She said all frustrated, "well I don't know what you want me to do." We did what we do. Snack time. Then play ground by 4:20 :). She was obviously pissed off. Then the "director" who she babysits for comes and she starts crying. I'm like now I gotta deal with this. The director asked me what happened, and I told her exactly what went down. We let her do her thing and it didn't work. So we did what she established in the beginning. We followed the schedule she set in place. Now she feels torn between the schedule that she created, and this chick who she knows really well. She said she had to sleep on it. I'm like whatever...

We'll see tomorrow. I don't care either way. I just hope they call before they fire me. hahaha!

I have to go study. No poem tonight. Maybe when I wake up EARLY I will be able to do a lil' sumthin..