....

If you were here
I wouldn't have
Lasted this long
in this place
We call the "A"
I would have
come rushing home..
I would have thrown
This life away

Just to sit at
Your kitchen table
And look into your
Eyes..
While your admire
My baby..
But now I talk
To the sky

I know you're wringing
Your hands..
At all this stuff
I'm going through
But your life wasn't
Easy either
But look at what trouble
Made you...

The tales you told me..
As a child..
I listened..
and I watched..
Some brought tears
To my eyes
Because my grandma
was so strong..
and I knew one day
I would have to carry
Your legacy
Alone..

If you were here
We could have a toast
to my 24 years
Here on this
Tainted earth
Where I had
The most
Meaningful relationship
With the greatest person
You..
My grandmother..
The person to touch
Me..
First...


*****

I miss her so much. I was 6mts pregnant when she died. For the fact that my placenta felt like it was being ripped apart when I cried..I couldn't grieve. I suppressed it all..and til this day I can't really say that I have. I am crying as I'm typing this. I had a dream about her 2 nites ago..and she said to me "You haven't been looking for me"...I gave her a big hug..

The last time I talked to her, I was at my doctors appt. about to drink that nasty stuff to test to see if you have gestational diabetes. *funny she had diebites*..anyway..I loved Doc Martin shoes when I was in high school. I had worn a pair she bought me to the doctors that day *they had to be 2 or 3 years old*Which I never wore any more..something that day told me to wear them... I told her how much I weighed which was close to 170..and she told me I better stop eating so much. I remember looking down at my shoes..

I never thought that would be the last time that I would talk to her.