Invisible

For some reason I cannot see my blog from my laptop anymore. It is invisible to me. I checked it at school today and it was still up. This has been going on for about a week. I don't know what the heck is going on, but I really miss writing..I mean I miss it..I feel sooo freakin' incomplete. I am trying soooo very hard..Maybe that is the problem. I have never had to try before. It was free flowing. Anyway, that's old news..

I miss you blog friends and visitors! BK holla! Dreamy where ya at? Agobytch- I will be around! Don- If you are watching *I miss you

*Foia*

Noir

I am going to start here…

He asked “why aren’t writing anymore?”
He saw that it was my ecstasy
A natural high that I didn’t have to pop
My insights that I reflected about life
He sees the affects
How I am noticeably frayed
And turning completely noir
How not attending some kind of therapy
Is altering poetry
My visible, natural, born ability
The talent that makes me complete
Without it like a puzzle that isn’t quite intact
It’s got a hole in it..
Just like me
Ragged

He offered a solution that maybe I am content..
With the noticeable unbearable silence
That my life is now surrounded with
I agreed that fighting so very hard in the past
To turn down the audible noise
That was way too strident
For anyone with good sense to bear
Now that I can hear
I agree that I’ve gone mute..
I can’t speak
I told him even if I could..
I’ve found that I don’t have much to say

I told him a story
About how I kept the key to my poetry
In the pocket of my jeans
Took it out one day to write what “they” want
And now it’s now where to be found
My emotions are building up
Like an orgasm that is right there
Yet I can’t explode
Because my focus gets lost
Thoughts float away into mid air
Creativity gone
Followed by a blank stare

I asked him if he understood what I meant
He replied “yeah”


K...I don't know I feel as if this is a hot mess..My prof's say you just have to write to begin to write if that makes sense..Anyway..It's weak. But it's just a lil insight into how I feel..

A Hot Ghetto Mess..

The lil girl gettin' it would have been me at my daddy's n' nem house lol...I remember many a day when my mom would catch me on the block droppin' it like it was hot. She would yell from our front porch "Get yo fast ass in this house."

If I wasn't shuffle ball steppin' or doing moves that involved jazz hands my mom wasn't having it..especially when I was that young.. Yet, I just wanted to pop and roll like my cousins in the projects..

At black gatherings especially where children are involved there will always be a dance contest. There will always be a winner who will feel like they are the shit cuz "they know how to dance good" and there will always be a loser who will feel so tiny because everyone will know that they can't jig. The loser will spend endless hours in front of a mirror from then on until they become confident that they can possible win a battle..

I was telling my mother that I want my baby girl to be able to dance..formally and I want her to be able to handle herself in these ATL streets. I started taking ballet,jazz,tap, modern when I was a wee one, and didn't stop until I graduated from HS. After seeing this video I don't know if I will be comfortable w/ my lil baby girl tootin' her booty all up in the air, while rollin her hips and ish.. But what can I say..I did it..

What do ya'll think about lil girls droppin it like it's hot?

10,9,8,7,6,5,4,3,2,1

I got this from Muze's blog, and she was right this was harder than I expected. It was fun though! I suggest that ya'll do it to..



-10 things that you wish you could say to 10 different people * In no particular order , except my # 1*

Your breath really stinks and I’ve noticed this not just once. It amazes me at how I can be sitting seats away from you and I can still smell it. I think you need to go see a doctor.

I think your lips are sexy. Sometimes I find myself starring at them.

I wish you would stop trying to contact me through various friends of yours. The same friends whose business you told to me. Do you still give play by plays on everyone else’s’ lives? As you can see just like I ignored you, I am ignoring their messages. You were poison in my life. You have been dismissed. And yes, if he doesn’t know I’m still keeping your secret.

I think that you lie on your penis. I don’t believe that chicks give it up to you like you describe.

I wish that you wouldn’t have gotten little like that. I wish that I had a number to call to leave a message about you not answering the phone, and then waking up to a text from you early in the am. You were a good friend and I hope that you are okay. I miss you.

I cannot believe that you do not work and your house is a filthy mess. You know you are wrong for trying to “clean” up that day when I dropped by. That action right there made it more obvious. You should have just said “excuse my junky house.” At least you would be admitting that you had a problem.

I knew along time ago.

I hope you catch something wit’ yo nasty self..

Ya’ll are wrong for naming your children with the Chi prefix. You are name biters. Know that she was the first.

I miss you everyday. I wish that I was strong enough to be there when I was able to. I admit I was afraid of your disease. I was afraid of seeing you like that. Yes, I was a punk. I still vividly remember our last meeting. You bought my chocolate at the airport. You said you couldn’t walk to go get it with me. You knew I loved chocolate, and I thought it was the sweetest gesture. We took pictures. We said goodbye as I walked towards security check. It being a small airport, I was able to stare at you through the glass that separated us at the airport. I was struggling to hold back my tears. I knew it would be the last time that I would see you alive. You waved goodbye and blew me a kiss. My heart ripped apart at that very moment. With you I had the closest relationship to date. You were the first one to touch me. You were the first to wash my hair. If there was anything that I could tell you is that you are my hero. I am so proud of you for making something out of nothing. I praise you for not letting anyone stop you from your dreams. I commend you for leaving your family and graduating from college and attending graduate school. You told me it was hard, but you had to do it for them, for us. Thank you for everything. P.S. I still have the last dress you bought me. And yes, I can still fit it!!


-9 things about yourself

I have a bag/purse fetish.

I always ride in the HOV lane when I am alone if have to drive to or from northern Atlanta.

Every night I sleep in a bra.

When I am nervous I bite my lips.

I experience all-or-none thinking.

Due to this café on my schools campus and the wonderful blueberry muffins I now don’t have a flat stomach. When I put on my jeans now my belly rolls over my pants.

I make the best homemade macaroni and cheese.

I will not censor myself to appease anyone.

My mother only has one child. >>Me

-8 ways to win your heart

Never be obviously trying to hit on me. No pick up lines whatsoever.

Become my friend first.

Accept me as I am.

Make me laugh hysterically.

Surprise me with a purse!

Be book smart and street smart combined. But if you aren’t book smart you really don’t have a chance with me. There is something about intelligence that turns me on.

Don’t be into fashion more than me. This is my number one turn off.

Love my daughter

-7 things that cross your mind often
Is there really a God? Why is Christianity the “right” religion and why are all other religions damned to hell?

How come Martin Luther King, Malcolm X, and JFK *non-evil people* seem to always get shot dead, whereas George W. *evil* never had one shot fired at him. Well I guess the shoe was good enough. It should have connected though.

I wonder what she who tap danced next to my heart is doing at the moment that I am thinking about her.

Food is always crossing my mind. I’m always thinking of the next thing that I am going to eat.

I wonder if and when I will tell “them” about Foia. I wonder if they will question my stability, and if they will respect the place that I stand.

Before Barack got elected I would wonder if a white man would always be the president.

UFO’s??

-6 things you do before you go to sleep

Give baby girl a bath.

Floss and brush my teeth

Take a shower

Read stories to the lil mama in preparation for her to be tucked in.

Write.

Make sure no candles are flickering.

-5 people you couldn’t live without
Mom/Dad- without them how would I live?

The person who addresses me as jones or folk.

Tony- my nail guy

My grandma* although I still breathe.

My daughter

* Disclaimer: I know that without these people life there would be a void. I would be incomplete, but I would live. I would just live with memories and I would long for their presence.

-4 songs that fit your life perfectly

“Someday” Nickleback
“Disturbia” Rihanna
“The One” Cee-lo
“Trouble Sleeping” Corinne Bailey Rae


-3 things you’re wearing right now

A pink tee shirt

Brown leggings

A red bra

-2 things you want to do before you die

Start a non-profit mental health organization that mainly focuses on adolescents and young adults.

Name a star.

-1 confession

I have skipped school to watch “The View.”

Gone Hate

I met Muffy about 3 years ago at M Bar in Atlanta. When it first opened and one of my best friends managed this spot I could be found there maybe one night out of the week. Anyway, she has done a lot of video modeling and has always tried to look out for me on that tip. I haven't really gone to video castings, but once I found out that she was starting her music career I had to jump in her ish. Anyway, I hope she takes off. Her manager is Coach *guy who jump started Jeezy's career* and Bangladesh *producer who made Lil Wayne's "A Milli" beat. She is in good hands and I wish her the best of luck..

So ya'll check "Gone Hate" Muffy's first video..in which I appear!





And then my boy who goes to school w/ me posted this video blog on his blogspot. You finally hear me speak. We were watching The Lion King at school one Sunday evening and made this video while we were waiting on the video. It was just us getting our media and culture on. No offense to Hispanic people. I was just playing, but I don't appreciate even people from their race trying to claim me. I do not know Spanish, so do not speak to me in the streets. lol. This is Foia being goofy.. The audio is a lil iffy, but see what it do!

RIP Caylee Anthony

I do not even know where to begin. Yes I do. If this was a black child with a black mother, I am wondering if this would be blowing up the media? Nope...One day we will have fair and balanced media. Just like our mixed president elect. Anything is possible..


I was looking at Caylee and her sweet lil face and it made me think of my baby girl, and what could posses a person to do this to a child? I am not making assumptions and I would like to think that her mother had nothing to do with it, but it is not looking good for Casey.

The image that keeps flashing in my mind is Casey dancing so free and happy at that bar. WTF? Either she had no idea what was going on with Caylee, or she is totally out of it. Now I try to stick up for the MI and I don't know if Casey has been diagnosed, but if she killed her child and had no remorse she needs more than help.

Look at them in the picture. They both seem happy. I know that parents some times "snap," because my mom snapped on more than one occasions. I can see how an accident can happen, where you kill your child. I was thinking today what would my mother have done if she had accidentally killed me with her torturous beatings?! I don't hit my baby girl. (YET) She has a smart mouth. I want to pop her one sometimes. Everyone except my mother tells me that I should. Funny huh? That is a different subject and a totally different post. What I'm trying to figure out is if a jury/judge and I, most of all will buy Casey's mental illness plea?

I was saying to one of my friends the other day about BP and such, while referring to my father being an alcoholic. I said that if I created a life of turmoil for my baby girl and blamed it on BP, how fucked up would that be? I got into it w/ my father over the phone about 2 mts ago *again a diff post* but I haven't talked to him since. He snaps for no good reason, and I don't deal with drama in my life AT ALL. I don't play. If you don't mean F any good, then I get to stepping out of your life. So, he went to Vietnam and so he drinks too much, but he is the one who dictates his actions through all of that. Either you step up to the plate and deal w/ it, or everything else is bull shit. Just like when he tells me he's proud, but then turns around to cut me down. Whatever. So if I did the same thing to my baby girl, and blamed it on this illness then she would have a reason to feel the same way.

So my point is..if Casey was feeling stressed then she should have sought out help. She had her mother there for goodness sake. She had a baby sitter whenever. I feel bad for this child, and this is my public service announcement to all parents....

If your shit is becoming to hard to handle don't take it out on the child. Who knows what type of person that you will create. You can only hope they turn your damage into art..

Honestly, it feels as if the life has been sucked out of me, which leaves me feeling forced whenever I try to write. I haven't written a poem in a good two to three months, when previously I would EASILY write two or three poems a day. Prior to now I could find inspiration in anything. I am silenced, and I believe it is doing damage to me. I am tuning out the outside world. I don't answer my phone when my friends call. I always hit the button. When they do catch up with me I get chewed out. In the beginning my excuse for not wanting to talk on the phone was school and so much homework, but in all actuality I just don't want to be bothered. I don't like to bring people into my ish. That is why I write, because this is my outlet, and unlike listening, reading is a whole lot easier to tune out.

There is so much that I want to say and cannot find the words.

ARRGH! I am frustrated....I want to scream. Damnit