Yo....
I've got a series of unfortunate events that are happening so simultaneously in my life, that I actually feel like Muze, why in the hell is the person narrating my life deciding to take me down this direction?
Today started as a good day. I was jammin' to Mary J's new album all the way to school.I go to find my cell phone in my purse, while listening to my Professor talk about John Mark Carr moving out of Atlanta. It was nowhere to be found. Damn. I left it at home. I felt helpless. What numbers I do know are useless to me, because those are not the numbers that I needed to dial. I went to my second class, and debated whether to go home or not. I opted to stay near campus, but I had to get food. As I'm driving I hear this clicking noise. I knew something was wrong with my tire. As I pulled into the parking space in front of the building where my last class is located I noticed a nail in my tire. Damn. The last time this happened the man at the gas station just pulled it out, and said it didn't even penetrate the tire. I attempted to remove it with my key, but decided not to. I go to class exclaiming my problem, and praying that one of the 6 or 7guys in my class knew something about tires. How they were going to help me I don't know. I go up to my Professor who is not to be played with, and tell her my problem. I told her that I needed to leave early, and asked her if I'd be penalized. She said it would be one of the 2 times I could be late before my grade would be lowered. I'm like damn. I instantly go into panic mode. I already called in this week from work, because of the whole license ordeal. I didn't have my cell phone with me. I was nervous about driving a whole hour away to work and back with a nail in my tire. I was totally not focused anymore. I did horrible on the daily quiz for my class. Fuck it is what were learning about. Marxism really, but that's how I interpret it.
I stayed in her class. She let us out early. I thanked her, and I meant it.
I made it to work and home safely with the nail in my tire. My first class got canceled for tomorrow. I'll get the tire fixed in the morning.I conclude on that tip with it being an okay day.
***********************************
RSA
..Getting snatched up
In so many ways
By the state
Getting whisked away
By force and by violence
Due to the control system
The "man" has in place
Ideology
Is a common way of thinking
Agreeing on what should be
Or shouldn't be occurring
A path that follows the leader
A way to conform..
Repressive State Apparatus
Is the real world order
In this f-ed up world
I was hemmed up
Thrown to the concrete
by.clayton.state.
I believed something different
In my thought process
I believed that I was okay
So I tried to run away
But by force and by violence
They snatched me up
To a place..
Where I was supposed to agree and nod
To be a good little patient
And ingest medications
"Designed" to make me feel better
When I should have said "Fuck it"
A combination of manic depression
...and repression
As I conform to social norms
Which are Marxed on me..
Forever........
Thursday, September 18, 2008
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
250th Post!
"I'd like to propose a toast..I said toast mothafucka!!" Kanye West "Last Call"
I love Kanye and his lyrical style. I felt that was important for you to know.. And that introduction to that song is hilarious!!
Time to get explicit
I'm searching for the one
To mesmerize me
The one who will force me
To jump into love
With my eyes closed
Which will lead him
Directly into my heart
And passionately into my clothes
I am a woman
Therefore.. I should not search
He should come find me
Riding in on a horse
And whisk me away to his castle
With 7 little dwarfs
And treat me like a Disney princess
But fuck me like a whore
I've got my own storyline
i'm.princess.looking.for.love.
Searching for someone
..searching for me
That is pitching straight
Who IS afraid
Of getting dirty
That's why he always wear gloves
Who would always speak to me
In the most sensual tone
Whispering so closely
Making me spit out
A fluid language of my own
Where is he?
mr.prince.searching
Probably somewhere lost
Too manly to ask for directions....
********************************************************
Yesterday was my Grandma's birthday. Rest her sweet soul. It is so funny how the Universe tells you things. I have been all emotional lately, crying and carrying on. I woke up yesterday, without even realizing the date with her on my mind. I couldn't get the image of the last time I saw her out of my head. We were in an airport, and separated by glass. We both knew that would be the last time would would lay eyes on each other. I had to turn on some T.I *Clifford* so that I wouldn't start crying again. Then at school I wrote the date in my notebook, and it dawned on me that it was her birthday. I need to pay tribute...Separated by the **********'s my Grandma's birthday has nothing to do w/ the prose above..
I love Kanye and his lyrical style. I felt that was important for you to know.. And that introduction to that song is hilarious!!
Time to get explicit
I'm searching for the one
To mesmerize me
The one who will force me
To jump into love
With my eyes closed
Which will lead him
Directly into my heart
And passionately into my clothes
I am a woman
Therefore.. I should not search
He should come find me
Riding in on a horse
And whisk me away to his castle
With 7 little dwarfs
And treat me like a Disney princess
But fuck me like a whore
I've got my own storyline
i'm.princess.looking.for.love.
Searching for someone
..searching for me
That is pitching straight
Who IS afraid
Of getting dirty
That's why he always wear gloves
Who would always speak to me
In the most sensual tone
Whispering so closely
Making me spit out
A fluid language of my own
Where is he?
mr.prince.searching
Probably somewhere lost
Too manly to ask for directions....
********************************************************
Yesterday was my Grandma's birthday. Rest her sweet soul. It is so funny how the Universe tells you things. I have been all emotional lately, crying and carrying on. I woke up yesterday, without even realizing the date with her on my mind. I couldn't get the image of the last time I saw her out of my head. We were in an airport, and separated by glass. We both knew that would be the last time would would lay eyes on each other. I had to turn on some T.I *Clifford* so that I wouldn't start crying again. Then at school I wrote the date in my notebook, and it dawned on me that it was her birthday. I need to pay tribute...Separated by the **********'s my Grandma's birthday has nothing to do w/ the prose above..
Monday, September 15, 2008
09.15
*Sigh* Today I woke up just knowing it was going to be a good day. I try to have a positive outlook on each day. That is until something comes to f it all up. I am the first to admit that one thing can ruin my whole entire day.
I get an email Friday from the computer fixer people at my school, saying that I left my license. They took it to public safety. So why when I go to public safety this morning all jovial just knowing they had my license, the woman told me they mailed it?? Now that wouldn't be a problem except my old address ie. baby girl's dads house, doesn't have a damn mailbox. We had a po box. That means when they try to take it to that address, the mailbox will be invisible. That's not that part that pisses me off, they didn't even have the decency to put my license in an envelope. That means there is no return to sender. She said they just dropped it in. With a freakin' attitude. Talking about I better be glad she didn't shred it.
Okay..
I evaluated the situation, and decided to walk away before I found a way behind that glass to punch that lady in her face. I see why they have that damn glass up there now, so people like me can't reach in and wring their necks. I walked down the steps, and immediately started crying. I had my shades on, and tears were just rolling down my cheeks. I know I turned red. Two guys stopped and even sat with me while I was freaking out. I couldn't even talk to them. I was thinking # 1. I don't have any money to replace a new license. #2. I can't miss school or work. #3. How can I stop myself from breaking down like this?
I called my job, freaking out also. I told my boss what happened barely, and she told me to handle it. She said it would be okay. She told me to calm down, and that it wasn't the end of the world. Well duh..I know this..but it still didn't matter... I couldn't convince myself of that then.
I walked from outside to go to the bathroom, and I started ballin' harder. Some girl was in the bathroom pretending to be in the mirror. Ya'll I wanted to scream at her, but I contained myself. I managed to stop crying, because I needed to go to the circulation desk in the library, to get some books they had on reserve for me. The librarian asked if I was okay. I shook my head no. She asked if I wanted to go talk to a counselor. I shook my head no. She told me that it would be okay, and if I didn't want to talk to them then I could talk to her. I managed to say thank you. Then I started crying again. How embarrassing. Tomorrow I will go tell her how much I appreciate her kindness.
This all was happening during the 10 o'clock hour, and my next class was at 11. I knew I had to straighten it up. I stopped crying for the most part during my classes, but random tears just kept falling down my face staining my pages. My professor for two classes in a row I think could tell something was wrong, because he kept looking at me all funny. I know he was like WTF?
I wasn't upset at the license anymore. I was upset because I'm tired of being like this.I hate holding everything in until it is too late, and then I just explode.I don't go out into the world fearing that I will have a mood swing in front of people. Maybe I should now, because that shit is not cool what happened today. I usually go into hiding when I feel uneasy. But what if somebody youtubes me?
Then my zip drive breaks @ work..ARGH! It fell out of my bag. I started to cry again. My boss hugged me and told me it would be okay. Goodness gracious, when I cry..I cry..Because I NEVER cry until my tears are built up that they overflow. I must say that I've cried an awful lot in 08. 8 is supposed to be my lucky number, maybe I need to rethink that.
I know it's probably due to me loosing my meds. I found them when I got home in a purse that I was carrying last week. Now my body has to readjust, and that means I'll be up all night crunk as ever. I feel queasy and whatnot when I don't take them, but I do get a moment to just chill. I don't feel as hyper when I don't take them. Anyway, I didn't do it on purpose. I am committed that I will not ride a roller coaster around life.
I hope that all of this greif is training me to not take things so seriously in the future. Even though, I've been this way my ENTIRE life there is always room for change. Just like Obama I'm all about improvement, and change. That is one of the reasons that I write, to help me pin point my faults. After I post this..A weight will be lifted, and can move on from today. Tomorrow could be f-ed up too, but at least today will be behind me..
I know I shouldn't let stuff get to me that is out of my control..I know, I know. I just don't know how to go about it.....I seek and I shall find...
*************************
I noticed today..
That when ever something
Goes right or wrong
Majorly.
That I dial your 10 digits
Instantly.
On my pink starry phone
I don't even need speed dial
Yours is one of the few
That I actually know
But why is that?
I ponder..
Because the reality is..
My pain is beautiful to you
It's like life's doing the abusing
So you don't have to
You get to take a break
While you gather evidence
To use against me next..
I believe I call
Because calling you
At one moment, in my time
Was the right thing to do
I want to believe
That there was a day
When you truly loved me
And viewed my pain
....as ugly
A mere scar that I worked hard
...to make disappear
I want to believe
There was a time
When I was comforted by you
But things are a little foggy now
And I'm confused
As to why I still call you?
What becomes of a dream?
To answer that..
....an end
We fell asleep to sunshine
And awoke to night
Dreams can turn into nightmares quickly
There was one point in our time
That we couldn't be told nothin'
We were smitten
It could be seen in our eyes
We talked about forever
Reciting metaphors and such
Declaring our love..
In bed together
We made magic
Our daughter
And for that..
I will love you forever
And if you didn't know it
Now you do
Cuz I wrote it..
Maybe that is a reason..
As to why I keep calling?
Oh well..
One day it will have only been a habit
That somehow got broken....
I get an email Friday from the computer fixer people at my school, saying that I left my license. They took it to public safety. So why when I go to public safety this morning all jovial just knowing they had my license, the woman told me they mailed it?? Now that wouldn't be a problem except my old address ie. baby girl's dads house, doesn't have a damn mailbox. We had a po box. That means when they try to take it to that address, the mailbox will be invisible. That's not that part that pisses me off, they didn't even have the decency to put my license in an envelope. That means there is no return to sender. She said they just dropped it in. With a freakin' attitude. Talking about I better be glad she didn't shred it.
Okay..
I evaluated the situation, and decided to walk away before I found a way behind that glass to punch that lady in her face. I see why they have that damn glass up there now, so people like me can't reach in and wring their necks. I walked down the steps, and immediately started crying. I had my shades on, and tears were just rolling down my cheeks. I know I turned red. Two guys stopped and even sat with me while I was freaking out. I couldn't even talk to them. I was thinking # 1. I don't have any money to replace a new license. #2. I can't miss school or work. #3. How can I stop myself from breaking down like this?
I called my job, freaking out also. I told my boss what happened barely, and she told me to handle it. She said it would be okay. She told me to calm down, and that it wasn't the end of the world. Well duh..I know this..but it still didn't matter... I couldn't convince myself of that then.
I walked from outside to go to the bathroom, and I started ballin' harder. Some girl was in the bathroom pretending to be in the mirror. Ya'll I wanted to scream at her, but I contained myself. I managed to stop crying, because I needed to go to the circulation desk in the library, to get some books they had on reserve for me. The librarian asked if I was okay. I shook my head no. She asked if I wanted to go talk to a counselor. I shook my head no. She told me that it would be okay, and if I didn't want to talk to them then I could talk to her. I managed to say thank you. Then I started crying again. How embarrassing. Tomorrow I will go tell her how much I appreciate her kindness.
This all was happening during the 10 o'clock hour, and my next class was at 11. I knew I had to straighten it up. I stopped crying for the most part during my classes, but random tears just kept falling down my face staining my pages. My professor for two classes in a row I think could tell something was wrong, because he kept looking at me all funny. I know he was like WTF?
I wasn't upset at the license anymore. I was upset because I'm tired of being like this.I hate holding everything in until it is too late, and then I just explode.I don't go out into the world fearing that I will have a mood swing in front of people. Maybe I should now, because that shit is not cool what happened today. I usually go into hiding when I feel uneasy. But what if somebody youtubes me?
Then my zip drive breaks @ work..ARGH! It fell out of my bag. I started to cry again. My boss hugged me and told me it would be okay. Goodness gracious, when I cry..I cry..Because I NEVER cry until my tears are built up that they overflow. I must say that I've cried an awful lot in 08. 8 is supposed to be my lucky number, maybe I need to rethink that.
I know it's probably due to me loosing my meds. I found them when I got home in a purse that I was carrying last week. Now my body has to readjust, and that means I'll be up all night crunk as ever. I feel queasy and whatnot when I don't take them, but I do get a moment to just chill. I don't feel as hyper when I don't take them. Anyway, I didn't do it on purpose. I am committed that I will not ride a roller coaster around life.
I hope that all of this greif is training me to not take things so seriously in the future. Even though, I've been this way my ENTIRE life there is always room for change. Just like Obama I'm all about improvement, and change. That is one of the reasons that I write, to help me pin point my faults. After I post this..A weight will be lifted, and can move on from today. Tomorrow could be f-ed up too, but at least today will be behind me..
I know I shouldn't let stuff get to me that is out of my control..I know, I know. I just don't know how to go about it.....I seek and I shall find...
*************************
I noticed today..
That when ever something
Goes right or wrong
Majorly.
That I dial your 10 digits
Instantly.
On my pink starry phone
I don't even need speed dial
Yours is one of the few
That I actually know
But why is that?
I ponder..
Because the reality is..
My pain is beautiful to you
It's like life's doing the abusing
So you don't have to
You get to take a break
While you gather evidence
To use against me next..
I believe I call
Because calling you
At one moment, in my time
Was the right thing to do
I want to believe
That there was a day
When you truly loved me
And viewed my pain
....as ugly
A mere scar that I worked hard
...to make disappear
I want to believe
There was a time
When I was comforted by you
But things are a little foggy now
And I'm confused
As to why I still call you?
What becomes of a dream?
To answer that..
....an end
We fell asleep to sunshine
And awoke to night
Dreams can turn into nightmares quickly
There was one point in our time
That we couldn't be told nothin'
We were smitten
It could be seen in our eyes
We talked about forever
Reciting metaphors and such
Declaring our love..
In bed together
We made magic
Our daughter
And for that..
I will love you forever
And if you didn't know it
Now you do
Cuz I wrote it..
Maybe that is a reason..
As to why I keep calling?
Oh well..
One day it will have only been a habit
That somehow got broken....
Sunday, September 14, 2008
Sunday
Am I the only one who believes weekends are way too short? I feel like I haven't gotten anything done.I can't take watching my textual analysis film anymore at this point. I let one of my girls check it out, and hopefully she burned it. I say let because we are only suppose to be able to check it out once in a 24hr period at my school library, but I've had it for about 2 weeks. I would have someone check it in for me, then I would check it right back out.I got tired of looking at Bush. My goodness I can't wait until November.. Until then So Goes the Nation..
I can barely hold my head up. I can't find my damn pills. I suggested taking effexor, which is giving me these terrible side effects.I have withdrawal symptoms that make me feel like I'm dying.If I sit up too fast I will be coming right back down.Dizzy goes the girl. I gotta find them a.s.a.p. Because I feel tipsy, and I didn't even drink anything. I am very depressed about this test I took Friday. Argh..I read all of the chapters, but somehow I managed not to comprehend anything.I needed facts..not definitions. Again, too much information for 50 questions without narrowing anything down. Damn. Life.Goes.On.
Anyway.. Ya'll I told you that it was an epidemic of..
Men ****ing up.. In turn leaving us hurt. We then succumb to our wandering minds..
Another one of us has crossed over to the other side..
Lindsay is a beautiful girl right? But what is up with women who leave dudes alone to only get a mangirl? I'm so confused. How is there anything attractive about Sam? Now, I am not the one to be all caught up in appearances. I believe personality and swag can take over for a "ugly" face. I'm sure that's what Sam has going on, and no telling what else.
Lindsay was with Wilber back in the day remember?
Now she's kissed a girl..and she liked it..
I'm just sayin'....What is the world coming to?
****************************
I can barely hold my head up. I can't find my damn pills. I suggested taking effexor, which is giving me these terrible side effects.I have withdrawal symptoms that make me feel like I'm dying.If I sit up too fast I will be coming right back down.Dizzy goes the girl. I gotta find them a.s.a.p. Because I feel tipsy, and I didn't even drink anything. I am very depressed about this test I took Friday. Argh..I read all of the chapters, but somehow I managed not to comprehend anything.I needed facts..not definitions. Again, too much information for 50 questions without narrowing anything down. Damn. Life.Goes.On.
Anyway.. Ya'll I told you that it was an epidemic of..
Men ****ing up.. In turn leaving us hurt. We then succumb to our wandering minds..
Another one of us has crossed over to the other side..
Lindsay is a beautiful girl right? But what is up with women who leave dudes alone to only get a mangirl? I'm so confused. How is there anything attractive about Sam? Now, I am not the one to be all caught up in appearances. I believe personality and swag can take over for a "ugly" face. I'm sure that's what Sam has going on, and no telling what else.
Lindsay was with Wilber back in the day remember?
Now she's kissed a girl..and she liked it..
I'm just sayin'....What is the world coming to?
****************************
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