11.19.08

Today was interesting to say the least. In my media and culture class we had an anonymous chat, where we had to at least change our gender. We are taught to believe that gender is a performance. My class did just that. They put on and showed their asses. My professor was present in the chat room and I know she was thinking that that what was going on was way out of hand. I was bored for the most part, because everyone kept talking all freaky. I wanted to discuss issues that weren’t focused around a spectacle, but they weren’t attentive to my needs. I would want to do something like that again if my peers could be serious. My friends still don't know who I was..and no for those viewing *Mr. Sofa King who tracked my blog down* (Frown) I ain't telling just yet...ha!

Then I go to meet my new “client.” I will call him B. He is 57 years old, African American, and autistic. He has a feeding tube and hasn’t had food since 1999, until today when his daycare program gave him Kool-Aid and crackers. So as I’m getting trained to learn how to work this feeding tube thing-a-ma-bobber it gets all backed up and starts squirting out everywhere. He started to scream and the nurse and I started to scream. Crackers clogged the tube. It was like his stomach was throwing up. It smelled bad. It took us an hour to get the 3 cans of liquid to flush throughout the tube. He is a funny guy though. He does “thumbs up” all of the time and so do I. He can do simple tasks by himself. He doesn’t seem violent. On the other hand, he does seem touchy feely. He started to jump up and down on the couch when he first saw me, and kept smiling at me. The nurse was saying to him “You like Miss F don’t you B? You think she’s pretty B?” He would laugh. I hope I can do this. I know I have the heart, but I don’t know if I have the stomach. I freak out instantly at the site of bodily fluids that are being vigorously expelled. Oh well, some of ya’ll know my adopted philosophy on jobs. “F it! Sometimes you just gotta get a check.”


I think gay people
Should be able to get married
A play on words
I think they deserve to be happy
Civil Rights
Disability Rights
Legislature has been written
To create privileges
That make the colored and disabled equal
Rainbow Laws…
Should be included too

We are close minded
A discriminatory society
That feeds off of self hate
And seethes of violence
Creating a coalition
Of rage filled people
Who outcast the “other”
Humans have this down to a science

Gay Rights…are a figment of the future
There needs to be an amendment
…added to the freakin’ Constitution
To let Queers do what they do
They are proud
Why aren’t you
Because the United States of America
Is oppressive society
Where we can’t love who we want
…freely

If you are a woman
You have to be strickly dickly
Never letting your eyes wonder
To the ass right in front of you
Or those big ol titties
Men can't fantasize
About another man
They are supposed to suppress their emotions
If they have them
And put on this totally straight and narrow front
You are doomed if you do like dick
So never think about
Assuming the position to suck
But remember gender is a performance
What matters most
is if you put on well enough or not

We live in a white mans world
And don’t let them convince you of anything else
Lesbian
Heterosexual
Gay
Bi
Straight up confused
Transgendered
Drag Queens
Prancing around in hot pants
All people should have the privilege
And be offered the same benefits
As heterosexual couples
Who legally tie the knot
And lock themselves into the marriage box

I think they should be able to adopt
Because there are too many children abandoned
Out there searching for love
Straight couples have the convenience
Of sperm and an egg
Which naturally
Two moms or two dads do not
They should be able to raise their kids
Without eye rolls and stares
How can you claim to be Christian
When you judge another man
Did you miss the memo
God is the only one who can condemn
He is the ultimate judge
In this courtroom called life
I wonder what he thinks
About ya’ll doing his dirty work
Like he really needs your help

Conservatives= the reason…
As to why we are where we stand
We are supposed to be a free land
But right here..
In the US of A
We have no freedom
We are governed by the white mans rule
With a capitalistic hegemonic outlook
Of me and you
Who designates laws
Set up to make the other fail
I am an other….damn
Yet on the brighter side
I do have the ability to love a man
And I can get married
Legally, anywhere on earth
I guess being gay
Doesn't really pay off

Back on the Couch

I’ve been gone for a minute now and the world has changed. Our country will be now in the hands of President elect Barack Obama. He is level headed and intelligent. He is a captivating man and also we have “something” to look at. Barack is handsome no doubt and I don't even dig light skinned dudes for the most part. My heart beat accelerates whenever I see/hear him speak. I think I have a crush on the president!!

I wonder if my grandmother and her friends sat around and talked about how fine Dr. King and Malcolm X were?

This is a time of change. I can say that the year 2008 for me has been nothing but change.

I’ve changed jobs like underwear. * I got a new one taking care of this guy who is autistic. Wish me luck I start tomorrow*

I’ve taken total acceptance and control of my health.

I have forgiven myself and others for harm caused.

I have learned how to trust myself.

I have silenced a presence in my life and am unsure of the pleasuring qualities within the quietness.

I put a halt on my social networking life.

I started this blog!!

I stopped writing in notebooks and just got used to hitting the “post” button.

I’ve ran away from some pretty good opportunities.

I have accepted that I punked out on many occasions.

I have gained a new way of thinking about this white male capitalistic patriarchal society that we live in.

I now believe in social conspiracy theories.

My philosophy hasn’t changed regarding everything that happens is supposed to happen.

2008 has reinforced that “we” are place in the correct place and time that is meant.

I voted for the first time during this election!

The world has changed and has other countries celebrating the joyous victory of President Obama! He is destined to walk in this moment. This is his time!!

This is my time for therapy..I'm back on the couch..


I haven’t been to therapy in a while
So I am uncomfortable sitting straight up on the couch
I’m about to sprawl out
Unsure of what to say
Struggling to find a place to start
I am going to take a deep breath
And begin to blurt out stuff…
Shrinking myself…. through my art

I am a woman of color
Who is supposedly sexy
Not to mention intelligent
And most defiantly interesting
Who has a “mental illness”
Known as manic depression
P.S. just a side note
If ya’ll didn’t know
I strongly dislike those two words
I always drop the crazy bomb
It doesn’t bother me
Unless you use it inappropriately
Like the word nigger or bitch
Watch your context
In the presence of me
Due to those factors
I name above
Societies hegemonic dominate ideologies
Automatically mark me as oppressed
I am supposed to wear high heels
Shaping garments under a dress
Take my husbands last name
And be forced to take meds
Just to fit into a normalcy construct
That is imagined to be there
Because nobody is normal
Everybody is fucked up..
It’s a matter of acceptance
And taking a seat on the couch

I have admitted to the blog world
About my “disease”
That is degenerative
Therefore it is imperative
That I take what is prescribed
Drugs that pump through my veins
That I am hesitant that I need
Yet convinced when I have a “mood” swing
I wonder if the meds could be killing me?
Causing more harm than good
Creating artificial chemicals
That my brain doesn’t make naturally?
That I wish it could

I am in the closet
Pretending that I lost the key
But it’s in my back pocket
Because I am afraid
Of unlocking the door
To society’s knocking
My “family” and best friends don’t know
They toss the word bipolar around
Like it’s a damn ball
They believe that they are perfect
The epitome of the construct of normalcy
Ideologies that enforce
If your brain is altered in any way
You are labeled as less of a person
And referred to as disabled
I have valid reason
To be insecure
Of how they will view me
Once they know
That I go sit on a shrinks couch
And attend some kind of therapy..


Wheew..I feel better..It's a start..I need to get back into the groove of things. I need to find some inspiration. I need to find some energy to do what I love more than my daughter..