Friday, May 9, 2008

And another one...


http://www.breitbart.tv/?p=93373 Radio interview and http://www.breitbart.tv/?p=93283 Video. MY LINKS DON'T WORK..SO PLEASE COPY AND PASTE..I was surfing the net and came upon a radio interview from V103 Atlanta. It was the Ryan Cameron Show, and the sister and baby’s father of a woman who is bipolar were talking with Ryan about an incident involving the woman on the Marta train in the “A”. She has on a red A hat, and a half shirt cussing out an old lady. She is shouting out to Jezzy and even trying to free style. She does the “soljah girl dance.” She accuses a boy on the train that she says is from Glenwood shawty of raping her. She starts screaming and approaches the guy. Everyone on the bus is telling him it’s not worth it, because he wants to knock her out. He stands up anyway as she proceeds to yell, and smacks her in the head…her hat falls off. She freaks out, and wants her hat so she can go. The video is over 3 minutes long. It was heart wrenching. Her family was telling Ryan that she isn’t on her meds and that she is not like that. The mother of the woman called the police, and the woman was detained. She is now in jail, which is not the place she should be.

Anyway, people don’t think that mood episodes are real. Or that maybe someone is faking it. If you see that video, it is real. I wish I could reach out to her. But I’ve learned something out in the world of bipolar, and meeting other bipolar people..some of “us” are just so far gone, that sometimes there isn’t the ability or desire to enjoy human interaction. Meaning some of “us” not including me, can’t form relationships, or suck at them. Bipolar can be so bad that one loses the ability to be able to care for ones self.


I met this girl when we were both “sick”. She was black, and beautiful. Everyone who had to be “stuck” together for 72 hrs happened to be young adults. Anyway, I always observe my surroundings so I can write about it later, so I noticed that black beauty was starring off into space all of the time. I was thinking to myself “I’m glad I’m not on what she is on”. Thank my spiritual being aka God, for blessing me with a doctor who actually knows what she is doing. And thank God that I don’t really have any serious side effects. Anyway..after about a day I talked to her. I found out her name was Allison and she was 22. She lived with her parents, and didn’t drive. She never had a kiss, and she had never been on a date!! I was thinking *makeover*!! But no… her hair was cut, and I thought it was cute. I later found out that she shaved it all off in a fit of rage. I hope I never get that moody because I love my hair. Anyway..as I talked to her more and more I realized we were two different parallels. I tried to make a connection anyway. I gave her my number, and wrote her this inspirational note when I got out before her. *she was in before me* I even called to check on her when I got free and they said she wasn’t doing well. So of course I never heard from her again. I hope she is okay though..

I don’t know..Everyday I gain strength with this “disease”. I have always believed the crazy people are the ones who don’t take care of themselves. I do everything in my power to make sure I am good. I have had times where I wasn’t medicated after I figured out why I was so depressed all of the time, that I had mood episodes. Now that I am medicated I can actually say it helps. Unmedicated me would have laughed at that statement. People that know me through my past lover will probably see this some kinda way. Then my mom and my whole world one day will be privy to this information. Each day I am tiptoeing closer and closer to being okay with that. So I tell myself.

Tonight the girl in the A hat who they call soljah girl is in my prayers. I pray that she takes her meds, and I pray that she gets better. Because it is possible, just because you have this situation doesn’t have to hinder you. I know it won’t bring me down, it can only make me *cliché* make me stronger….

Thursday, May 8, 2008

Cbs 46 news
but i prefer abc
I’m watching it
because they are doing
what I am waiting to do
I am watching to see
how they separate
their emotions
from the stories
they present

there is an albino girl
who is from Zimbabwe
living here in the A
she had a fight
with her sister in-law
now her family hasn’t
seen her in days
and of course
she has to be bipolar
now everyone is thinking
“another one is loose,
crazed and traveling
in a daze”
I hope she finds her way home
and didn’t give up on this
F-ed up world

Poetry Noir




I’m changing up
showing the world
my face
I was hidden
like M.J’s kids
under a blanket
but now you can see
the flesh behind
these words
i’m introducing
myself now….

I like to be private
it seems that’s exactly
how I like it
people will now
be judging my face
Not just judging what I think
but here I shielded myself
from the bloggee’s
because I don’t think they respond
if you wear a mask
because they want to see
who exactly “you” are
but if you didn’t know
I’m one of the many….stars
you don’t have to look far
because I am dark
I call it poetry noir
Venetian blinds
go vertical
in the dark shadows
of your mind
you will find my words lurking
because they are strong
something like a shot of whiskey
I’ll get you drunk
I’m all you’ll need
so step into the darkness
and let me help you see

.......

I’m at work, on break sitting in the dark in the break room. This place has a melancholy aura lately. Almost all of the teachers are quitting, and I just gave up my spot in my classroom because I “thought” I was going to summer school. And as of right now it’s not looking like I’m going to summer school. I will still be teaching, but not in any one particular classroom. Which I’m fine with because the lead teacher I’m working with now is kind of wacky. I think she dropped too much acid back in the 60’s. She wears socks with the same sandals everyday. And get this they are magic because when it rains they never get wet!!

Anyway…I am kinda down in the dumps. The economy sucks, and I am feeling it. I am confused as to why Hillary won’t drop out of the race. She is really annoying me, jeeze. I am hungry right now and I don’t have any money in my budget to buy food. I ran out of lotion and shaving crème a couple of days ago. So now I’m walking around with an ashy body, and hairy legs. I have a headache now because I am hungry. I’m about to try to take a quick nap, so I can be rested for when I have my class by myself…

random

Today was horrible
yesterday I forgot my
underwear
and I was wearing
a skirt
luckily sometimes I
surprise myself
I had an extra pair
in my purse
for a day like this
it wasn’t a thong
which I prefer
but anything
is better than
going bare
when working with
little kids
because just my chance
one of them would have
lifted up my skirt
and said
“Hey you don’t have on any underpants”


today I found out
that my
mom’s
cousin’s husband
killed himself
he lost his job
had medical aliments
and took the last shot
that he landed
it landed him in a box
that will become a part
of the earth

suicide is so poetic
it leaves its own tainted legacy
it’s so intrepid
to go out like that
one must be ready
because the ones left behind
are preoccupied with thoughts of “you”
when “you” thought “you” were
doing what was best for “you”
it’s a polar problem
should “you” live just so “they”
can have “you” around?
or do “you” die to end the void
that you feel
as you walk around on earths ground?

Tomorrow…
will be different
can’t speak on whether
it will be pleasant
all I can do is meditate
on the feeling that
everything will be alright

999.00

I want to gather up
a gang of my friends
instead of throwing up
GD signs
and crypt walking
we will have signs that say
“Donate to Foia 1 dollar
to help pay her tuition
because she needs 999.00
for two classes
that she wants to take
in the summer”
I see “homeless” people
everyday in the A
asking for change
as people sit at
intersections
waiting on the light
especially in the
West End
Lee St. lil dudes
stand out there
without tee shirts or uniforms
claming that they are a football team
just seeing if they can get some change
at least their donation this time
will have a purpose
it will go towards
my focus……..

Wednesday, May 7, 2008

Thanks @ Don for the inspiration word..that inspired this....


pain has a purpose
I keep trying
to convince myself
of this notion
but I would rather
have a cut or bruise
than to deal with
emotional or mental
Anguish..

I don’t cry often
I write habitually
Even though…
I wish I could
get wet from ear to ear
maybe that would help
release the water build up
instead I drench
pieces of paper
to let my words cry

pain is pleasure
I can’t explain it
it’s like getting a piercing
I’ve had more than a few
unlike tattoos
their easier to remove
pain isn’t always permanent
if you don’t deal with it though
it will come back lurking
twice as bad
should have dealt with it
when you had a chance
should have found some therapy
to release whatever it maybe
because pain isn’t forever
unless you continue to live in it
presently…..

I know about pain
to be the year of the Jordan
I’ve seen a lot of stuff
to be only 23
but the pain
only burnt me up
and left me with scars
but I am still here
to show others
how if their strong
they can heal like me
Never put bandages
on scars
you have to let them
breathe…

Tuesday, May 6, 2008

Unhappy with yourself

if you are unhappy
with yourself
what is the first thing
you’ll do
to ease your hurt
lash out at others
so they can also taste the dirt

if you are unhappy
with yourself
what is the second thing
you’ll do
to ease your hurt
you’ll do what
is natural for you
whether it be..
Screaming
Cussin’
Drinkin
Fightin
or
Druggin
You’ll do it all
just so the others
are being dragged through
the same mud
you soak in

If you are unhappy
with yourself
what is the third thing
you’ll do
to ease your hurt
Come up with excuses
to make yourself
seem justified
hope that everyone
around you is
just as miserable
when you need
to let the tears
you feel
cry

Because the fourth thing
that happens
when your unhappy
with things you can
change in your life
is well…..
Guess…
you _ _ _

Monday, May 5, 2008

everyday I write
I’m learning how to let go
how to let my words be
and I thank them for setting me free
a cliché I know
but besides cantankerous
cliché is my favorite word
and to be creative
I have to give up my sense
of being wrong
some famous person has their name
after that quote
don’t know who he is
but I saw it in a note
probably waiting for a reply
well here is part one
part two will come next time
still pondering over wine
because a parents unlived life
must be damage to a child
that’s why I write
to remember my life
One day my mind may be jaded
Who knows when I’ll be gone
This is my favorite thing
How can I stop my creative growth?
Just because I’m afraid
Of what my “invisible audience” might say

Invisible Audience

An invisible audience
Is what it is called
In Psychology BK
When teenage “girls”
Think that they are
The center of the world
That all eyes are on them
Starring, and never blinking
Reliving their every downfall
By pressing rewind..
Memories of their mind

An invisible audience
Isn’t always so invisible
There are actually people
In the audience
Who pay admission
Just to see you do bad
They actually bet on it
They sit back and laugh
And torture you
Have you wishing
You wouldn’t have
Tried to act
Wish you wouldn’t
Have signed on
To be apart of this cast

I had an invisible audience
I know exactly what
Piaget was talking about
Every teenage girl does
Because girls constantly
Run their mouths
How could their not be
An audience
When the main topic
Of Discussion
Is us
Every teenage girl
Across the Globe
Can feel what it’s about
Someone always watching you
Waiting for you to F up

Sunday, May 4, 2008

Animal suicide




sometimes I think
birds, squirrels,
and other woodland creatures
play Russian roulette
with their furry lives
I know they hear
I know they see
My big SUV
driving right down the road
then they dash out
RIGHT
in front of me…
I know they must be scared
I know I would be…

and one time I saw
a chicken
trying to cross the road
He was at the stop sign
walking right in front of me
yet again in my SUV
so I blew the horn
he still didn’t budge
he wanted to take
his sweet chicken time
I imagined him on my plate
baked
seasoned with lemon and lime
LOL I’m just playing
he finally crossed
but now I know why
the chicken crossed
the road
because he was lost
and trying not
to be food

Every time
a animal
dashes for my truck
I pray
that it eats four leaf clovers
and has good luck
because the animals
volunteering to commit suicide
they just dash out
waiting to be struck