08 29 08

First, I must say that our future President Mr. Obama is amazing! GO BARACK!!



Okay, I am fine! I knew I would be. Up. Down. Up.Down.Up.Up.. I get tired, but not enough to stop trying. I have to write. Writing wakes me up to reality. Writing is my therapy..



What I learned today: That anti-social people can actually see the world for what it really is. Poets and artists are truly the ones who choose not to ignore the state of the world we live in. Spectacles are all around us. Now that I'm truly aware of this notion, I can choose not to take part in it. That's why I suppose most poets/writers commit suicide. ie Silvia Plath and the guy who's name I can't spell, that came up with the whole "Spectacle" idea when talking about the medias influence on us. I am a poet, but I am by far anti-social..



I had a really dope idea for a poem tonight..But I'm tooooo tired. So I will give something I say...impromptu... Have a happy Friday!!



I am a little girl
The prettiest little girl
In the world
That's what everyone tells me
I have blue eyes and brown curls
I love to wear dresses
And skirts
My mommy always tells me
To keep my legs closed
Because men take that as a sign
That they don't have to
Proceed with caution
And will want to take advantage
Of her pretty child
Then I will never be clean
And when I take a bath
It would be like..I could never
Wash the dirt off
I would be filthy forever

I never thought it would happen to me
Until my mommy got married
And my step brother
Touched me..

I was just a little girl
He was teenage boy
Who knew better
But he played with me like a toy
My private area raw
So I told my mom
She looked at me down there
She asked me what happened
I told her he touched me
The son of her husband
In a corner, and I told him to stop
But he wouldn't
Even though I screamed ouch
The friction of my skin
Against his hand
Left my skin swollen and red
And now I walk around dirty
Just like mom my said..


She told her husband
He couldn't 't believe it
His precious prince
The husband swore up and down
That step brother would never do such
That his son knew better
Than to touch a little girl
My mom knew he wouldn't believe us
But a mother always believes her child
That day we left
And we got lost
So I could be found
Because when step brother fondled me
I lost part of who I was
As a child

*********Was going to TRY and proofread..but I don't give a damn so whatever..


Okay..I have wayyyyy more good days than I do bad days..So today was one of the doozies I will remember forever. If you scroll down I said this week would be interesting.
I don't even want to try to put together a sentence right now. I am so upset at myself. This is what I love best, and somehow I've lost a part of me. I apparently don't know where to insert a comma, or maybe I'm just afraid
of the "overuse" of a comma? My word choices are iffy, and I just all around suck. Now, it's no ones fault but my own. Arrgh..I don't feel like going into specifics, but all I can say is..

I got broken down today. Again, I don't want to go into specifics. Let's just say I won't ever forget those words for as long as I live. Sometimes if a person knew who they were making a statement to they probably wouldn't say it. I know this person has no history on me, and really doesn't know the damage that it could possible cause. I have learned something so far in school that no meaning is fixed?

I could take whatever it was in two directions...

A. The person making the statement is trying to better me..

or

B. The person making the statement is dead on the nail..and what's the point of trying when I'm just going to prove them right?

Maybe the statement was made just so I could prove them wrong?

Which brings me back to you have to know who your talking to..

Sometimes things are better off unsaid.

*********************************************

Right now @ 10:06
I quite frankly could care less
About what happens to me
In this life before death

It wouldn't phase me @ the moment
If right now..
I was taking
My last breath

Because then I would be dead
And maybe
I can get a retake on life
Because in this one I failed

I don't comprehend
Yet, I always study
For every quiz and exam
Yet, I have a hard time
Trying to pass

An underachiever
Has been spotted out
By someone..
Who spots them the most
And they just proved
My theory correct
That my life is a curse

So right now @ 10:13
I wish I had a knife
To slash my veins
The only thing
I would overachieve at
Is being dead..

*****************************

I feel like being dark right now. I struggled to even put that piece of crap above together..I see myself hitting the other side of my polar. It's a whole lot of crap just piled on top of me right now, and I'm trying to juggle it. Right now though..I want to throw in the towel. I want to say F school, F work, F life, and I want to retreat to a life of sleeping. I may just do that for this week. I fought so hard to get back into school, and right now I don't care. I know this is probably my unbalance talking..but damnit if it remains unbalanced for too long I ain't got no choice but to fall. And that may make some people happy. Well just know they aren't happier than me.

I am straight though.I learned a loooong time ago in one of my psychology classes is that I have "all or none thinking"...meaning it is all one way or not.And usually when it's "not" I don't cope too well.. That is what I'm experiencing now..I feel like crap yes, but whatever happened today will either..

A. Motivate me to be the person I know I can be..

or

B. Add to the state of my deteriorating mind :)

Bad days...they all come..and they sure go..but they hardly every get forgotten.

Go Obama!

Well..she made me cry!

Go Michelle Obama! Boy can she give a speech...I hope to become a great orator like herself.

When her brother was giving his speech..I was thinking they really look alike. She is the spitting image of her mother. They all have the same teeth or something..She is beautiful though..and so are their daughters..

I am so happy...I am am always thankful for our ancestors who paved the way for us. I want to see this happen soooo bad. GO OBAMA! If that old man wins..I'm going to become an ex patriot. I would rather live in Mexico than in the US if this goes wrong..

Man..the whole story about her big brother and her having to share a room was touching..When she talked about being a mother I felt everything she was saying. Whenever she spoke of her girls I cried a lil bit harder. I mean I was balling. I would see my mother cry at like Princess Diana speaking, or at the OJ verdict, but I never knew as a child I one day would do the same thing. I definitely connected with her. If she can do it..so can I..and any other woman. Then she made me smile, when she brought up health care, and especially mental health care. She almost made me proud to be a citizen of the USA..

Hold up..Why isn't Barack there?

Anyway..her hair is fly too. I wonder if she's natural?

John McCain story compelling..Ha! Is he serious?

I'm digging the Democratic National Convention...


America
The land of the free
Was that term coined
Before, or after slavery?
Because if before..
I totally understand
Freedom was something
That could only be enjoyed
By a white man

But my ancestors fought
And picked cotton and tended to the crops
They cleaned other peoples houses
They raised other peoples babies
They got hung from trees
As a form of entertainment
They got sexed by the master
That contributed to our "mixed" race
And added to our confusion
A systematic approach to self hate

But I thank them
Every time I look at the sky
I am amazed
That their escape to freedom
All depended on the direction
Of one single star
They made the first steps..
By forcing the US..to set "us" free
Now we're closer than ever
To reaching something
I'm sure they never dreamed
To see a African American President
Run the country
Go Barack Obama, 2008

Monday

After this final last step
I will be free
But after I tell my parents..
My secret..
I am pretty sure
They will speak
And tell it... 2
aunts
uncles
cousins
and family friends
Then the word will spread that
"Something is wrong with that girls head"
In their presence
They will constantly pay attention
For signs..
That I possibly might just be going crazy
Right at that moment..
As I stand before them

Then I will need a tee shirt
Then I could be proud
But my parents won't be
Knowing that they have a "bipolar" child
They would pity me
.......And I would tell them
That it's all their fault
That I'm "crazy"
Somebodys genes aren't right
Or maybe it was just nuture
Whatever the case may be
"Ya'll had something to do with it"
I'm nothing but a product of
My mothers egg
And my daddy's nut
And the two mixed together
Created a daughter
Who happens to have bipolar..

******************************************

Yeah so still don't know what to do. I get all nauseous when I think of talking to my mom or dad about this. They most def have a mental illness stigma and they hold it very high. How can I say that I want to break downt he stigma for m.i. when I can't even tell my own parents? I just don't want them being all weird..I also know for a fact that the whole harbor-town will find out..hm? Should I care? I don't think so, but I do..I just don't want people questioning..is she going to flip right now..right here..right here..Don't fret..I got this under control..

Nonetheless, I'm sure this week will be interesting..