Happy Saturday

Writing is truly a release, I tell ya. I feel so much better now. Even though the circumstances are the same and probably will remain as such, until a miracle is delivered.

I never go here..But ride with me will ya?

It truly amazes me how a person could try to knock another person down, and somehow expect them to be able to tolerate them. He started blogging while we were still living together. I was happy for him, because he really seemed to enjoy it. It wasn't until he asked me to read it that I found out he was putting mine and our personal business out there. It wouldn't have been so bad if he would have kept it in the online community, but he crossed the line when he gave his URL to every Tom and Jane that we knew. All of his family knew about it, and he even had the gall to post it underneath the articles he writes for "Rolling Out". I know lots of people in the "A" and most people knew I was Dr. Stephens future wife, so I couldn't understand why he would want to tell it all.

Then I shrinked him. I know exactly why he does everything that he does.

Not having his father in his life makes him need constant approval from his children. It makes him feel extraordinary good to have his children want to be with him. So he feels as if he has to control every part of their life. I was talking to one of my girls last night, and I had her cracking up. His first wife basically got little on his ass, and of course a mother is naturally going to take her child with her. That's a given. But he got big and bold so he claims, and went to go take the boy from his mother. I'm sure she went through a similar situation as this. She finally got tired and said F this. Take the boy, and leave me the hell alone. She went and got her another man, and now has 2 of his babies. He claims that she too was crazy, but she can't be all that crazy because she's been with the man she's with for sometime now. History has a tendency to repeat it's self. I will not just give my child up like that. Not with out a fight. She grew inside of me. I fed her and gained almost 8o pounds for her. I breast fed her, and my nipples were the one's sore. I made the choice to have her, therefore I am more important than any father. The Gardner plants the seed, but it is mother earth who nurtures that seed.

Then he thinks that he is so smart, that everyone else who doesn't posses a PhD is ignorant. Can't tell him sh*t. So that's why it feels when your talking to him that you're in a constant battle. He is always right, and he will let you know it. I didn't find this out until I was pregnant. It was too late. I saw the way he talked down to everyone around him. It was a turn off. I was down here on earth, while he was hovering above us all.

He has to be in constant control. He is a verbal abuser, and that also makes him feel larger than life. One day he will sympathize with me, and will be like "Baby what do you need?" "It's okay, you are a star." And then the next day, "F you folk, you are crazy." "You are a whore." Very, very confusing. I don't know whitchaway his emotions are headed. That is why I'm done. The next can deal with his sh*t, but not I.

There was a time where I was truly in love with him. He is the father of my child, so I will always have love for him. He needs help. He needs to go figure out his issues that he has kept deep down inside for so long. Because buddy's actions are showing exactly how he feels. That's the thing about being human, your feelings can't be hidden no matter how hard you try. It is very obvious that he still is stuck on me, or else I wouldn't consume his whole world. I wish the best for him. I also wish he would stop trying to disrupt my peace. It may be shaken for a little while, but I always return to a state of *whatever I am doing me*.


****************************
Is it possible
For us to be friends?
Or was our
Break up the last
Of us?
Being able to get along
And the beginning
Of a life time of stress

You used to be fun
You used to make me laugh
But now you make me cry
Which makes me meditate at night
On a day
Where I will be free
Long Long gone
From your sight
And finally living fully
For me
And our child

We didn't work out
And it's not all of your fault
But you put
The topping on our cake
Which was nasty
And had a sour taste
So I had to throw it away
And as we were going to re-bake
I got fed up
And walked away
Because you wanted to add
The same ingredients
Which failed on the first cake
I wasn't about to open my mouth
And experience the same bitterness
I sought out change
You demanded we stayed the same
So I left
And here we stand

We need to be cool
So our child can chill
And not worry about
Her parents fighting to kill
She deserves peace
And so do you and I
So I give up
You win the fight
I am sorry
For hurting you
I hope you know
That I wish you the best
Be we need to both
Grow up...
For baby girls sake

ROOOOOAAAARRRR!

Wow...The last couple of days have been interesting. I told you this week would be a doozie. My insight is always on point. I don't like to divulge all of my personal business on my blog. I choose and select what I put out here.

So this I will tell.

Things haven't really been pleasant on the home front. "His-story" probably has a canted version, so check it out. I get a phone call from my mother at work, and she's asking me about a poem on my blog. I'm like WTF? I have two blogs..myspace which is so diluted from what poetrynoir is. I asked her how she knew about my blog. She tried to say that her godsister kids are on my myspace and told her about it. But the particular poem she was referencing isn't on myspace. AH HA! So I asked her over and over again how she knew about it. She finally said her friend found it. Bull shit! His-story probably gave the url to her just to be spiteful. I think his motive was to tell my mother in hopes that I would take poetrynoir down. Nope! Won't happen!

I was at work livid nonetheless. I feel yet again like a little kid who's privacy has been invaded. She had the nerve to tell me to take it down. How dare someone try to censor me. Number one I don't use names, and I always add different details ect to most of the pieces I write. I AM A WRITER, AND I AM NOT SELF CENTERED! I CAN AND WILL WRITE ABOUT EVERY FUCKING THING UNDER THE HOT ASS SUN. Unlike other writers I don't have to give every single detail about my life. Of course I write about me, but I also speak from different voices. THAT'S WHAT PEOPLE FORGET TO UNDERSTAND. I know some writers who can't write unless the story involves them. How are you creating art, if you are the only character that you present to your readers?

My whole demeanor changed instantly when I found out that she read my blog. I had already been crying all morning, which I hardly ever do unless it's serious. I felt like I wanted to scream, or take a shot of Patron. I needed something to calm my nerves. My first thought was to take down my blog, since a part of my world has been invaded by people who AREN'T welcome. I know my blog is public, but I don't give my blog out to all of the people I know. A couple of people from my life know, but my mom! No! That isn't cool...but I'm not taking it down. There is probably some ugly stuff on here, and I won't take it down. When you go to places you have no business going, you may experience some unpleasant sensations.

Okay..I just wrote from my heart on this one. Right now at this moment I don't care...

Exposed
My art, that I create
Has been compromised
By on lookers
Who are better off
With their eyes closed
And not in my business
Even though they figure
That in my business
Is where they belong
Until I publish..
A book of my poems
I think I have a right
To filter my viewers
By not displaying my blog
To those who I don't welcome
Into this part
Of my life...
Who actually know me..

Poetrynoir is private
In the sense
That you can't search
Under my government name
And find Some Kind of Therapy
Cuz I go by FOIA *fwaah*
Poetrynoir is dark
It is my reality
And how dare anyone
Try to hush me...
Because it won't work
.....Just conjured up
A whole lot of
Hot air and wind
And tropical depression Foia
Has just been upgraded
To a hurricane
And I'm about to storm

So now you know
All about me
Being in the Hospital
Does it make you happy?
Does it make you proud
To fucking know
That you have a Bipolar child?
It's all your fault
And yes I point the finger
At you and my father
The gene generators
Ya'll could have made up
Where ya'll lacked
Nature vs. Nurture
But my tabla rasa
Was scribbled on
From day one
I was never a blank slate?
Was I?
Huh????
Nah..cuz I was Locked
How could I ever be free?
I felt trapped, often
But which led me to actually
Getting to know the true me
My lack of security
Drove me straight here
To "Some Kind of Therapy"

This may be hard to swallow
But even though I'm mad
I still love you..

I write from the heart
I write in the light
I write in the dark
I know myself
And there were many times
Material items were lost
And I know
I don't have much
But my knowledge of self
Is one thing I know
I will forever hold onto
No matter what

The places that I have walked
Have shaped the person that I am
I wouldn't trade the experiences
I've had for nothing
Because boy...I've got stories to tell
That's what makes me such a great
Rhythm-reflectionist
Because I view the world
And relay it back
How I see it..
Raw and Uncut
And I will write
Until the day..
My.Heart.Stops.
Like it or not
I am what I am
And if you don't love me
I can do bad all by myself

I don't want pity
I am not cause for concern
It makes me want to throw up
To think that you know
Keep your comments to yourself
Because you'll only make things worse
And yes I remember..
How you talked about everyone "else"
So go ahead an pray
If it makes you feel better
Tell people if you want
I am still a pretty picture
And from far away
No one can even tell
That my frame is slightly broken
So do as you please...
As hard as this was..

I AM FINALLY FREE!!

One last thing...
From now on when you stop by
Say hi
Those of you who "know" me
Why are you invisible?
That's kinda like spying
And that's rude
Going to someones house
And walking through their door
Not saying one word
When you know
What the home training rules...say
That you open your mouth
And say hello


I'm done roaring for tonight. The lioness is tired. In more was than one. I know I know..I shouldn't let things upset me..But I hope that I am understood, this is something that is worth my blood pressure being high for. My poetry, my words..my life..I write about it..That's the first process for me that helps me to let things go...


I am about to put my comments back to where I have to approve them first. So, please all of my readers leave your email because I'm thinking the blog is going private!

*******************Did ya'll watch Americas Next Top Model tonight? They have a transgendered model on there..And He/She is pretty..I couldn't believe it when they said it!! ******************************

I am so tired. I don't feel like writing. Sorry to disappoint you. I'll holla later on today!

Another man...disrespecting our bodies

My cousin got raped. Her name is Esha. She is two years older than me, and I remember looking up to her. I talked to my father and he told me. They guy climbed through her window. He also raped 3 other women that night. This happened right across the street from where I grew up. To the right of my house there was a school. My mother went there when she was a little girl. The city recently decided to knock down the school, because the last time I was home 2 years ago it was still standing. They built some houses on the lot. She lives in one of the houses with her two sons. They caught the bastard.

I really don't have time to finish this post. I'm going to babysit one of my old students and her baby sister who is soooooo chubby. * I heart chubby babies* I need to get ready. I gotta find out more info on my cousin.

I'll holla...