Happy Saturday

Writing is truly a release, I tell ya. I feel so much better now. Even though the circumstances are the same and probably will remain as such, until a miracle is delivered.

I never go here..But ride with me will ya?

It truly amazes me how a person could try to knock another person down, and somehow expect them to be able to tolerate them. He started blogging while we were still living together. I was happy for him, because he really seemed to enjoy it. It wasn't until he asked me to read it that I found out he was putting mine and our personal business out there. It wouldn't have been so bad if he would have kept it in the online community, but he crossed the line when he gave his URL to every Tom and Jane that we knew. All of his family knew about it, and he even had the gall to post it underneath the articles he writes for "Rolling Out". I know lots of people in the "A" and most people knew I was Dr. Stephens future wife, so I couldn't understand why he would want to tell it all.

Then I shrinked him. I know exactly why he does everything that he does.

Not having his father in his life makes him need constant approval from his children. It makes him feel extraordinary good to have his children want to be with him. So he feels as if he has to control every part of their life. I was talking to one of my girls last night, and I had her cracking up. His first wife basically got little on his ass, and of course a mother is naturally going to take her child with her. That's a given. But he got big and bold so he claims, and went to go take the boy from his mother. I'm sure she went through a similar situation as this. She finally got tired and said F this. Take the boy, and leave me the hell alone. She went and got her another man, and now has 2 of his babies. He claims that she too was crazy, but she can't be all that crazy because she's been with the man she's with for sometime now. History has a tendency to repeat it's self. I will not just give my child up like that. Not with out a fight. She grew inside of me. I fed her and gained almost 8o pounds for her. I breast fed her, and my nipples were the one's sore. I made the choice to have her, therefore I am more important than any father. The Gardner plants the seed, but it is mother earth who nurtures that seed.

Then he thinks that he is so smart, that everyone else who doesn't posses a PhD is ignorant. Can't tell him sh*t. So that's why it feels when your talking to him that you're in a constant battle. He is always right, and he will let you know it. I didn't find this out until I was pregnant. It was too late. I saw the way he talked down to everyone around him. It was a turn off. I was down here on earth, while he was hovering above us all.

He has to be in constant control. He is a verbal abuser, and that also makes him feel larger than life. One day he will sympathize with me, and will be like "Baby what do you need?" "It's okay, you are a star." And then the next day, "F you folk, you are crazy." "You are a whore." Very, very confusing. I don't know whitchaway his emotions are headed. That is why I'm done. The next can deal with his sh*t, but not I.

There was a time where I was truly in love with him. He is the father of my child, so I will always have love for him. He needs help. He needs to go figure out his issues that he has kept deep down inside for so long. Because buddy's actions are showing exactly how he feels. That's the thing about being human, your feelings can't be hidden no matter how hard you try. It is very obvious that he still is stuck on me, or else I wouldn't consume his whole world. I wish the best for him. I also wish he would stop trying to disrupt my peace. It may be shaken for a little while, but I always return to a state of *whatever I am doing me*.


****************************
Is it possible
For us to be friends?
Or was our
Break up the last
Of us?
Being able to get along
And the beginning
Of a life time of stress

You used to be fun
You used to make me laugh
But now you make me cry
Which makes me meditate at night
On a day
Where I will be free
Long Long gone
From your sight
And finally living fully
For me
And our child

We didn't work out
And it's not all of your fault
But you put
The topping on our cake
Which was nasty
And had a sour taste
So I had to throw it away
And as we were going to re-bake
I got fed up
And walked away
Because you wanted to add
The same ingredients
Which failed on the first cake
I wasn't about to open my mouth
And experience the same bitterness
I sought out change
You demanded we stayed the same
So I left
And here we stand

We need to be cool
So our child can chill
And not worry about
Her parents fighting to kill
She deserves peace
And so do you and I
So I give up
You win the fight
I am sorry
For hurting you
I hope you know
That I wish you the best
Be we need to both
Grow up...
For baby girls sake