Doesn't she look happy?

The land of the ass and no face…

Me and I won’t mention who were talking about a situation that went down..that is really juicy, but I don’t really feel like going into it..because I don’t think it’s worth talking about. Anyway..it brought us to the subject of asses. I am a girl..and I know I am not gay, but sometimes if I see a nice ass I acknowledge it. Usually to myself, or if I’m w/ some of my guy friends I might point it out to them. Anyway me and 2 of my peeps were talking about ATL being the land of the ass, but no face. One of my peeps said that if a girl has a big ass, then her face is usually jacked. And if a girl has a pretty face, she usually doesn’t have an ass. I believe I fit into the second category. And I can’t help but agree with her. I used to have an ass..and a face. Wheew back in the day of E.C. and the freshman 15..boy was I thick..and I was loving it..Until I noticed one day sitting on my bed in boy shorts @ my apartment in MI that my ass was sitting behind me. Of course I made some life style changes, and got skinny again. Then I got pregnant, ate sloppy joe’s and tacos..and anything involving ground beef..and got fat again. Then I breastfed..and got skinny again..and I believe this is where I will remain for a long time..because no matter how many carbs I eat..I can’t get the scale to say more than 112..and this is for 3 years now. Boy..anyway..so in the land of big ass, no face..I will be satisfied until I can be a face/w an ass..lol We call it Nasatal..No ass at all..lol

I am restless
and young
everyone here
on blogger.com
is a star..
in their very own
soap opera
and it is my Dynasty
to write
the stories
which I call my life
but am I willing
to show them
to a world that is dim
when I’m looking
for the guiding light
and I’ve only got one life to life
and I don’t want to end up
in general hospital
fighting for my life
because I wasn’t smart enough
to stop it..
but I am..I know when to stop jogging
and slow down..
and begin walking

And when..
Passions fill the room
often when I enter
men stare
because they want
all my children
to be theirs
because I’m a bad bitch
a brown young Erica Cane
Gotta up my skills though
because she doesn’t care
who she claims
she believes love is a game
F’s brothers fathers and uncles
if they’ve got more than change
they can take her to bed
and they’ll be screaming her name
from Pinevalley to Dallas
everybody knows Erica Cane
and pretty soon
They’ll know my name



Yeah I was bored..and I just typed and this is where this lead me..

Miffed

I am miffed right now…by many many things. And yeah I’m back.. For now atleast.

*I love sushi..I will eat it 7 days a week for every meal if I could. I love it so much. So anyway I found out that Kroger makes sushi fresh everyday. So I got off work yesterday early. It was a nice ending to an okay day. It was teacher appreciation day and some of the parents brought food. When I walked into the teachers lounge yesterday I did this little jump because I love to eat. They all say I have a tape worm because every time they see me I am shoving some food into my mouth. So anyway I didn’t go to the Kroger by my job because I wanted to get back over to the side of town where I live, so I could flat iron my hair. *I was looking a hott mess** Anyway to make a long story short, I went to the Kroger by my house. And darnit..there was no fresh sushi. Then it dawned on me that I live in a predominately well behaved chocolate city, and work in a mixed area.. And of course we all know black people don’t eat sushi. *Yes we do people..me and my friends are proof* I was pissed off because…well I’m sure you know why…
** Then yesterday I go to get my nails done after I found out that Kroger didn’t have any freakin sushi..and the guy who has been doing my nails for 4 years..since I’ve been down here..wasn’t there. And the other people in there are not allowed to touch me. They have been known to mess some stuff up. This one lady one time waxed my eyebrows and then put alcohol on them AFTER she waxed them..which left me w/ two big ass burns above my eye..I was pissed..but I didn’t hurt her…. I was in need of an eyebrow arch but ming-lee was not about to touch me. That’s her name forreal.. The girl who normally does my pedicures and eyebrow arch was there last night..I found out today. O well.
*** Then I had to drive all they way out to no mans land to this lady I met on a photo shoot who is a make up artist so she could hook my brows up. Driving annoys me. Then once I get there..Her three mannish boys kept saying how much they loved me and wanted to marry me. I thought it was cute at first, but it got to be too much when she had to yell at them while using a razor on my face..
**** After that I start to get dressed to go out and I my throat starts to tingle..and then it begins to hurt. I had to pin point which one gave it to me..Ta Dah! I know who it was..Samantha..yellow bouncing ball..she couldn’t have it @ school..so I took it..put it in my pocket..took it out and was playing catch by myself while conversing with the other teachers at recess..she has a terrible cough…she is the culprit. I will make sure I let her 3 year old self that she got Ms. F sick..Now I’m in bed feeling like I’m coming down with a fever.
******Then I go to the park where I want my daughter to have her party..and there is no picnic tables there..only grills. So now I have to figure out how I’m going to get maybe 2 tables and I don’t know how many chairs to the area I need them @..
****Okay and what is the Governor of Ga Mr. Sonny thinking!! Passing a bill that allows people to carry concealed weapons..ANYWHERE!!
********Then I don’t want they guy who helped me make her to come to the party. I don’t want any drama. And Lord knows that if I am alone with the people at the party..there will be none. I feel that she needs to enjoy her party without worrying that her parents are going to fight…I’m not doing this to be mean or spiteful..I just want to have a peaceful party. We will celebrate with him..probably on the day of her birthday.
************This is for later on because I know he will have soooo much junk to say about the comment above.
**************I am also miffed that a certain someone who knows who they are..can be so malicious and say certain things just because they are hurting…and then expect me to be okay with it. My dad was the same way. He would cuss my mother out..bring up old stuff from the past..call her a whore..bitch..this and that..Throw her out of the house..and then expect her to take him back. Of course she did more than once..but I remember I think I must have been in 1st grade when they finally split. Wheew.. I will not put my daughter through that. It is not right.
*****And that brings me to..I’m miffed that I found myself in the same type of relationship that my mother and father had. My mother was a young buck..and my daddy had numerous years on my mother..and of course he was a control freak..and freaked out when he found out he couldn’t control her. But my mother was strong..and with the help that he gave I believe I turned out to be a well rounded young lady. With the example of how to move on…
***********And lastly..I am miffed because I just forgot what I was about to say..Oh yeah..I am miffed because I really want to delete my blog here. Because everywhere I go I see him. And I really don’t think being involved in this whole blogger life is good for me..when negativity is the paint that is used against my canvas. But a few people have said encouraging words..Ya’ll know who you are..and I appreciate it..I really do. They believe I have something powerful to say..so for right now..as of today..I am still here.

Last One...It's hard to say goodbye..forever blog

one step at a time jones
all any one can do
dont be so hard on yo self
be optimisatic
May 9, 2008 11:37
And this is what he says..But the he throws it back in my face. I don’t get it. You don’t love me. So just like I’ve been doing, I’m staying away. I will NEVER AGAIN read your blog. Mark my word. I cross my heart, and hope to die..because just like always, you tried to get me to get upset tonight…and got more aggravated when I didn’t. You always yell… It’s a shame, that things aren’t going your way. That you aren’t stable enough to act like you’ve got some damn sense. That’s why one day my perfect dick..will fit perfectly…and I’ll probably even suck it…until he cums. Because you don’t deserve me, because respect for me..you have none. And here comes a cliché.. what they say..you never miss what you got till it’s gone. And I dipped so long ago..giving you time to fix what you got wrong. But it’s like you never learn. You just keep on doing the same shit..even though you know that you’re wrong. Oh well..I pray..and my spiritual guide *God* has me..and there is nothing you can do to hinder me from getting to where he wants me to be..

Haunted

I will put my life
above my child
but she is my life
she’s my entire world
I will live my life
so I won’t place blame on her
because she isn’t a reason
for me to stop living
and she’ll be right there
next to me
both of us…
smiling

I have nothing now
just like he said
take it all bitch
one of my favorite lines
from my favorite movie
“Center Stage”

I have nothing
just like he said
but I have her
the only thing worth keeping
that you gave
because you can take it all
what ever you think you gave
because you are controlling
and if I don’t have shit of yours
you ain’t got shit to say

The babysitter
told me
she said nothing of the sort
about me cussing in front of her
So who's the liar now?
because cussing it’s something
I don’t try to do
some times it may slip…but nothing like this…

I held her in my arms tonight
while you screamed
“You should FUCK me”
but I won’t TOUCH you
because you are tainted
with something…yuck

so what I tried to kill myself
Evilness prompted you
to bring that up..right?
I was trying to escape that hell
that I felt
when I slept next to you
because your spirit is ugly
it’s darkness
and it’s consumed you
and if I stuck around
it was gonna get me too.

So what I have bipolar
Ya’ll check his comments
he claims to be supportive
such a contradiction
how can you explain
turning it around
and tossing in my face
my condition
when most likely
you are suffering from something
and you are just in denial
and that’s crazier
than anything
I’ve got going on

Yes I planted myself
in the middle of the road
about 2 years ago
when I believed
with you I was stuck
and I had nowhere to go
I wanted a truck or car
to strike me
right in your front yard
and leave you in your tears
as you cleaned up my blood
and gathered my body parts
and collected my guts
but why tonight
would you bring that up
to hurt me huh

So what if tonight
I decided to take my life?
How would you feel
if I wrote an elaborate note
detailing how I would come back
and haunt your house
and how you drove me to this point
by trying to Britney Spears me
trying to take custody
of something I gave birth to
when all you did was fertilize the seed
Think about that
because if I’m so crazy

I may just leave you in this world alone
this cold cantankerous world
like a never ending timeout
for adults
you will have to think about
what you did
and what you could have said
or done
just to prevent
what you caused to happen
except it or not
because like I said a couple
of lines up
my memory
I know…it will haunt

......

Yet again I always surprise myself. I was looking at another revised schedule for the project I’m involved in next month where I get to play a 17 year old girl who does major drugs, falls in love with this boy that she goes to school with in rehab, and then kills herself. She comes back in flashbacks…You gotta see the movie to know what happens in the flashbacks. It’s funny that I’m about to be 24 and people tell me all of the time especially if I’m in like jeans, a tee and flip flops that I look like a teenager. I guess it’s just my baby face. lol
Anyway “Boys of the Wrecking Crew” is wrecking my plans for my daughter’s birthday. Her birthday is the 7th of June, and on that Saturday I am shooting. I am annoyed, because I had my heart set on having her party on her birthday. Oh well I suppose, but it’s going to be hard for me being away from her on her b-day. I emailed my homie ex-critical thinking professor, and told him her birthday is blah blah blah..And he sent one back saying that part of the schedule hasn’t changed. Right there is how I surprised myself because I had been looking at the schedule the whole time, and that date went right over my head.
And then me being an actress. Ha! I laugh at that because acting is something I never wanted to do. All of these other people in the movie really have dreams of making it in Hollywood. I have the largest girl role, and I hope I can pull it off because he’s put a lot of money into it. I don’t want to ruin it for him. I am the opening scene. Plus I’m sure some of the other aspiring actresses would love to play Leah. I can’t say that I would have a problem with giving it to one of them. I think the problem would be that B my prof. would be upset with me. I didn’t even have to audition for the part like the other actors/actresses had to. He claimed that it was my charisma and outgoing personality that he saw in class was what told him I was right for the part. I admit I have a very outgoing personality, and can be quite goofy but the scary part is doesn’t know how bad I might be. The movie doesn’t have many girls in it anyway it is called “The Boys of the Wrecking Crew”. So I have to represent.
Speaking of representing I think I half-way know my lines. The ones I know I think I sound stupid saying them. Then I’m the only “brown” person there. That used to be a normal thing for me (Me being the only brown girl in my dance classes) (Me being the only brown one out of my group of friends in MI). Not anymore…The A is chocolate city. Yum! My college campus I would say is predominately A.A. We always outnumber other races in our classes. I have one white girl friend now who I am really close to that I go to school with now, when I am used to having many. Anyway, I just feel extremely out of place, and usually when I have that feeling, I usually am out of place. Then fear comes in. I try to drill it into my soul that I should not fear anything except *God*, but fear is my worst enemy which brings me to…

A beast
the devil sent you
to come and destroy
the young, the old
the already stone hearted
and those who
could be fooled easily
into acquiescent cold
cantankerous fear
sets in deeply
and once its there
dun dun dun
it never disappears
unless you’re the one
holding on
and afraid to let go
because it is a brute
it’ll choke the shit out of you
leave what you call your life
fucked up…you lose
because trepidation is a killer
that is serial
and has to be caught
you can’t run away and fall
run carefully
because if you trip
what happens in the movies
dun dun dun
you die
and that’s exactly what happens
when you let fear set in
you lose
and the devil wins…….

Now if only
I could take
my own advice
To go to fear rehab
and detoxify fear
from my life
I might have
a fighting chance
at achieving my dreams
because fear ain’t gonna
get me nowhere
only leaving me to
silently scream….
at what I let go
my dreams will fade
into the air like smoke
because thought I was too weak
to shake fears hold…

Research the race of the child you're adopting people!!

I believe adoption is great. There are a lot of kids out there who need good families. My best friend, all of her brothers and sisters were all adopted from different countries. My BFF is from Korea and I believe her older brother is too. Her youngest brother is from China I believe, and her younger sister is from Brazil. Their parents are white, so they have a very diverse family. Speaking of diverse families…This little boy that goes to the school I teach at is adopted. His name is Beckton. He has a very affluent name, but it doesn’t fit they way they care for him. His parents I believe have maybe 7 or 8 adopted kids and he is the only African American child. So when I first started working here I noticed that his hair was about 3 months overdue of a hair cut. It was so nappy shawty, I decided to comb and grease it one day. All he kept saying was “ouch, ouch.” That day when his parents came to pick him up, his teacher told me that he said “Ms. F combed my hair”. Then the next day at recess I told him to tell his parents that he wanted a hair cut. Do you think they took him? Hell naw! Basically I got tired of looking at his damn head like that so I wrote down this number to a barber shop, and finally handed it to his father. About 2 weeks later he came in all lined up w/ a fresh cut.
I hate being ashy. I try to avoid it at all cost. But us black folk know that dry skin is just a part of who we are. Beckton has eczema, and do you think his parents attempt to put lotion on the boy? Hell Naw! Yesterday we were out at recess and he had on shorts. His legs were white matching his white tee shirt. I couldn’t take it, so I went inside and grabbed some lotion. I made him rub it all over his body. He looked so relieved.
It pisses me off that they pay 1200 a month for him to go here, but they have him looking so raggedy. I know that the tuition here is expensive, but that is no reason to have him looking like a slave.
People if you are going to adopt, I say do research on the race of the child you are going to adopt. If I was going to adopt a white baby, I am going to do research. I already know they don’t need oil in their hair, so I wouldn’t attempt to put it in there. I don’t know why his family didn’t talk to black people and find out what he needs. Like lotion and a comb to his head everyday. I take that back, his other teacher who just quit said that she told the family that he needed lotion. I guess they don’t care..

Poem of the day..Just me typing away. Not recorded in my books. Me not giving my words a second look..

My body is in need…
I am a major bitch
because I am in need of
DICK

not just any DICK
I must pick
it has to be just right
not too small
and not too big
not too skinny
and not too wide
a perfect DICK
that fits perfectly inside
my body…

this DICK
will not hurt me
or leave me
battered and bruised
he won’t try to
massage my back
from the inside
because he realizes
that shit is impossible
and would be just
plain rude
if he did so
because it is a hole
but there is a barrier
of how deep
DICK will go

this DICK
will always wear clothes
when he visits me
because I can’t deal with
being with him naked
not unless we agree
to make a baby
This DICK will listen
to me and the rules
I have declared
for my P****
But until I find this DICK
I will continue to feel like
BITCHY

It was a very happy Mother’s day for me. My daughter (really her daddy) bought me two dresses that I can’t wait to wear when my legs are shaved. We went out to breakfast where the child who makes me a mother showed out. She talked in her outdoor voice the whole time. She kept wanting to get out of her high chair, and of course her daddy let her. She made a big scene and had quite a few people in the restaurant looking at us.
Then we went to this festival thing that Atlanta has every year where I ate garlic shrimp, and rice. Yum! It was good. I just started eating shrimp again after about 2 years of having a taste aversion. It was hot and windy out there, and my hair was blowing all over the place. Of course she cried the whole time because she wanted to walk. But just spending time with them today, made all of the fussing seem unimportant.

Then I drive back to my apartment, and put her down for a nap. Now it’s my turn just as soon as I say this…Happy Mother’s Day to all of the mothers out there.!

Meet the Browns

So I finally saw “Meet the Browns” yesterday at one of my girls house. She gets every movie on bootleg. So those of you who haven’t seen it, well I won’t spoil it by sharing the premise of the movie, but I will share something that I did not like. The opening scene or maybe the second scene is of Angela Basset and this pretty Latina girl sitting on the bus. And I can’t quite remember what the Latina girl said, but Basset replied “Girl you know you can’t be doing that with your condition”. Or something along the lines of that statement right there. Anyway, I figured I knew what condition she was talking about, so I waited for the movie to confirm it. Sure enough, the girl is Bipolar on the movie. She was constantly cussing folks out, throwing rocks, smoking weed, and threatening to burn buildings down. Jennifer Louis is also in the movie and she has Bipolar. I wonder what she thought about how Tyler portrayed a person with Bipolar?

I thought he is presenting the same stigma that I (and every person who has good sense with mental illness) fight to knock down everyday. My feelings were kind of hurt because I’m sure now that a lot of people in the African American community who have seen this movie will believe that his portrayal is completely accurate.
Everywhere I look..The news, tv shows, movies..there all talking about Bipolar. I’m wondering if all this talk is really helping the situation of how people view those with mental illnesses.