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Yet again I always surprise myself. I was looking at another revised schedule for the project I’m involved in next month where I get to play a 17 year old girl who does major drugs, falls in love with this boy that she goes to school with in rehab, and then kills herself. She comes back in flashbacks…You gotta see the movie to know what happens in the flashbacks. It’s funny that I’m about to be 24 and people tell me all of the time especially if I’m in like jeans, a tee and flip flops that I look like a teenager. I guess it’s just my baby face. lol
Anyway “Boys of the Wrecking Crew” is wrecking my plans for my daughter’s birthday. Her birthday is the 7th of June, and on that Saturday I am shooting. I am annoyed, because I had my heart set on having her party on her birthday. Oh well I suppose, but it’s going to be hard for me being away from her on her b-day. I emailed my homie ex-critical thinking professor, and told him her birthday is blah blah blah..And he sent one back saying that part of the schedule hasn’t changed. Right there is how I surprised myself because I had been looking at the schedule the whole time, and that date went right over my head.
And then me being an actress. Ha! I laugh at that because acting is something I never wanted to do. All of these other people in the movie really have dreams of making it in Hollywood. I have the largest girl role, and I hope I can pull it off because he’s put a lot of money into it. I don’t want to ruin it for him. I am the opening scene. Plus I’m sure some of the other aspiring actresses would love to play Leah. I can’t say that I would have a problem with giving it to one of them. I think the problem would be that B my prof. would be upset with me. I didn’t even have to audition for the part like the other actors/actresses had to. He claimed that it was my charisma and outgoing personality that he saw in class was what told him I was right for the part. I admit I have a very outgoing personality, and can be quite goofy but the scary part is doesn’t know how bad I might be. The movie doesn’t have many girls in it anyway it is called “The Boys of the Wrecking Crew”. So I have to represent.
Speaking of representing I think I half-way know my lines. The ones I know I think I sound stupid saying them. Then I’m the only “brown” person there. That used to be a normal thing for me (Me being the only brown girl in my dance classes) (Me being the only brown one out of my group of friends in MI). Not anymore…The A is chocolate city. Yum! My college campus I would say is predominately A.A. We always outnumber other races in our classes. I have one white girl friend now who I am really close to that I go to school with now, when I am used to having many. Anyway, I just feel extremely out of place, and usually when I have that feeling, I usually am out of place. Then fear comes in. I try to drill it into my soul that I should not fear anything except *God*, but fear is my worst enemy which brings me to…

A beast
the devil sent you
to come and destroy
the young, the old
the already stone hearted
and those who
could be fooled easily
into acquiescent cold
cantankerous fear
sets in deeply
and once its there
dun dun dun
it never disappears
unless you’re the one
holding on
and afraid to let go
because it is a brute
it’ll choke the shit out of you
leave what you call your life
fucked up…you lose
because trepidation is a killer
that is serial
and has to be caught
you can’t run away and fall
run carefully
because if you trip
what happens in the movies
dun dun dun
you die
and that’s exactly what happens
when you let fear set in
you lose
and the devil wins…….

Now if only
I could take
my own advice
To go to fear rehab
and detoxify fear
from my life
I might have
a fighting chance
at achieving my dreams
because fear ain’t gonna
get me nowhere
only leaving me to
silently scream….
at what I let go
my dreams will fade
into the air like smoke
because thought I was too weak
to shake fears hold…