I miss my daughter.

I miss my daughter. My mom and numerous other people who quite frankly should mind their business think that I have too much other things going on in my life to really devote the time I need to her. This is true that I am working two jobs, and going to school. I see me doing all of this now, is going to better our future. I know I am missing out on her toddler years, and it’s killing me. I didn’t work for the 1st year after she was born. I was miserable not having my own life, and just being a mommy and a fiancé. As soon as I got out and started school and meeting people, my attitude instantly changed. My mother always made sure that I understood that she gave her life up for me. That meant she didn’t have any boyfriends stay over. She hardly ever went out. She decided to stop living her life just because she had brought one into this world. Maybe in another time and place I would feel the same. Like if I were living back in Michigan where there is nothing to do. But I am here in the ATL where any opportunity is out there if I want it. As a child after being drilled her philosophy all of my childhood, I decided that I wouldn’t and couldn’t just live my life for my child. I had to live for me, which makes a happier mommy. I do miss the time away from her, and hopefully after I finish school things will slow down and I can be there more. Until then her dad will be her favorite, and I will feel sad when she says she wants to stay with him. I will live for me.

Myspace Suicide

I was watching the news a couple of days ago and they were talking about this “Myspace suicide”. Apparently this adult who was related this “friend” of the girl who killed herself created an alias for this guy. The guy began talking to the girl who killed herself. They became really close. The girl began to like the “boy”. The lady who made up the identity was trying to see what the girl who killed herself really thought of her relative. Childish right? Anyway, the “boy” eventually turned on the girl who killed herself telling her “You would be better off if you weren’t alive. Now the woman who created this alias knew that the girl had been on antidepressants. Antidepressants or not, I still don’t think it was right for her to engage in such elementary behavior. After receiving the message from the boy who she thought she liked, she killed herself. Now the woman who created this alias is not being charged. That is bullshit. I believe that she had intent, and if she knew this girl was on antidepressants why would she decide to mess with her.
In school I was tortured. Girls always had something negative to say, or always wanted to put me in some drama. But this lady wasn’t even a kid, you would think she would know better.

Confessional Poetry

Last night since I couldn’t sleep I decided to research Silvia Plath. I read “Bell Jar” and some of her poetry. I like her a lot. So anyway they said the name of the style of poetry that she wrote is called confessional poetry. I write nothing but confessional type poems. Basically this means writing about intimate feelings that may be unflattering information about the poet’s life. It may be poems about illness, suicide, sexuality ect. I also just found out that my blog url isn’t what I thought it was. I looked up adjectives in Spanish and I found venenoso which I thought meant “bitchy”. I asked the Spanish teacher that teaches at the school I work at and she said it meant vein. She wasn’t exactly sure though. So oh well I don’t know if I should delete this blog and title it something like confessional poetry since that is my style of writing. Now I have better name for it instead of rhythmic reflections, even though they do always contain rhythm.

Pure Atlanta

On my spring break this year me and my girl went to Daytona। I was working at this club as a cocktail waitress at the time. I went on my vacation. Got a tattoo on my toe, and came back with this feeling like I didn’t have a job. I always get these little premonitions that end up coming true. Maybe it’s more of a self for filling prophecy; anyway something told me to text my manager to see if I was working or not Friday. He sent me a message back saying “You didn’t get my voice mail?” I was thinking oh shit, I’m fired. So I call him, and he was like “Yeah it just wasn’t working out, blah blah blah॥” Anyway the point is he called me while I was on vacation to fire me. He Craiged my ass, just like on “Friday”. I found this out after a happy day at my job at the school at a café with one of my co-workers. We were drinking. Even though I only had one, I’m sure the alcohol contributed to how I was feeling. I cried so hard. In front of this Persian guy who manages the café, who I think is hot. Even though I got fired I was kind of relieved. I didn’t like what the club I was working at was becoming. The manager really didn’t want black people there. I heard him say “Play techno so “they” will leave”. The exact opposite always happened. The white people would leave, because white people love hip hop too. The point of this is..A BYTCH HAS A NEW JOB!! I knew that the door slammed in my face, wouldn’t be the last. LOL..I hope I keep this job for a while. The club actually does promotions, unlike the club I just left. I do miss the first club I worked @ though. Not the one I got fired from. It was so laid back, I could sip and smoke on a lil sumthin while serving. Those were the days. Now I just need the strength to be able to raise my daughter, go to school, teach @ school, and work @ the night club.