Lyfe

Okay ya'll..I know you're going to miss DJ Bad Yellow aka Foia's play list for a min..But I really need you to listen to this song by Lyfe Jennings called "Keep on Dreaming"...

I heard it this morning on the Steve Harvey Morning Show while driving to work..and it made tears come to my eyes..

You know how certain songs can tug at certain strings..

Well...Lyfe..this song applies to my Life....It does ya'll..

What do ya'll think? Like or Dislike? Please listen very carefully...





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Okay..I've heard that my blog isn't on the track that it's suppose to be....

And when I asked this person what that meant...

They said that I'm supposed to be a mental health advocate...

I'm like yeahhhh... so...

And I interjected..I don't want to be like one of those people who's blog I read that have a mental illness..and that's all they focus on.

Bipolar indeed is a part of me..A very small part of me.. and a part of my blog... but it doesn't outshine what my blog is about..

I think I would get on peoples nerves..and would be a one sided writer if that's all I talked about...

Anyway.. I will throw splish splashes in there every once and a while...

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This urge
I've had it
Since birth
A throbbing
Natural..
Given to me
By Mother Earth

This urge
Millions of people
Feel the way I do
Closing their eyes
With a person
Wearing the same
Type of shoes

This urge....
An adventure
In every sense
Of the word
I have yet
To explore
Rocks or mountains
I have never been
To the great outdoors
But I'm planning
My get away
One day soon...

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If an ex still brings up old stuff from your past relationship..and constantly tries to aggrivate you..and is always negative..and constantly has something ugly to say about you..and ALWAYS argues even if you are trying to tell them that the color is red not pink...What is happening????

3 Part Series...

So my mom left this morning. She changed my whole apt around and I would like to say I think she did a fine job. Baby girl came in today when her father dropped her off sleepy, but wondering if Nana left yet. She looked out our back door to see if she was sitting out there. I thought how sweet..

I miss her a tad bit even through all of the madness. We do have fun when we just chill and hang out. When we don't talk about any controversial topics like religion.

She admitted to me that she was stressed out extremely..and that's why a lot of things happened that shouldn't have. She doesn't want me to do the same to baby girl. I wont...I promised myself that before baby girl was even conceived.

So today I got pooped on by on of my students baby sister. She is so juicy..big ol ham hock legs..and beautiful blue eyes. She doesn't come visit much, but when she does come to get her older sister who is 3..the mom or dad lets me hold and snuggle w/ her briefly.

So the mom came by the elementary class room and I'm sitting there bored making a bracelet and I see her big ol cheeks smiling @ me..

I run and grab her.... We walk to pick up her older sister and as were walking back down towards the office..I thought I smelled something..But baby poo doesn't really stink..it has an odor but it's hard to describe. So I thought maybe she just passed gas.

So I lift her up a bit admiring her baby thighs and I see green stuff all over my sweater *I'm cold natured* and tank top..Her mom was freaking out..and I'm like let me go change her!! I told her to go get her bag..She didn't..I guess she may have been embarrassed...but I saw no need in the child driving home leaking shit. Plus 2 minutes before she just asked me to baby sit for them? Why Wednesday?

I wasn't mad..I just haven't ever been shitted on. Literally before.

****Lying to yourself****


How can a man/woman
Tell lies to himself?

How can a man
conjure up false stories
and expect people to believe?
In what he says....
When he creates
His own truth

How can we trust
In all actuality
The truth he claims
That is blue..
But with almost no
examination...
Is found out to be red...

What is a man thinking
When he creates
These alternate realities?

Does he actually believe
The stories that he is telling?


****** Your Voice******

I am lonely
I want love
I want to be touched
I want to hugged
I want to be yours
In a bed of red roses
We'll toss in more than lust

Slippery Slopes
I yearn to explore
I'll slide all over the place
Always holding on
To the thought
That I might..
Just might...
One day make it to the top

I want to learn
I want to know
I want to memorize
Every inch...of you
So I close my eyes
Tracing the outline
Of your face
Because that's the best
I can do
Because I've never heard
Your voice

The New Guy In My Life..

Okay...


Today, started off a little bit frustrating to say the least. I don't like people who contradict themselves. If you preach about somebody doing one thing, and then you turn around and do the same thing..is very irritating to me. How can someone tell lies to their own self?


So nonetheless I had a therapist/the best shrink in the world apt...this morning..and I was running 5 to 7 minutes late as always and of course people down here can't drive. So I almost got killed a couple of times.


So I get there and my shrink is wayyyy late. I'm assuming she was dealing w/ a crisis, because she's never late. So I get in there and she wants to talk but they buzzed her for my 11:30 apt so she just asked me a couple of questions. She told me she was proud of me and how I'm handling things. Got refills.. And went to get the new guy to introduce me to my new therapist.


I stopped seeing my previous therapist. We sort of hit a brick wall so I decided to switch it up.

Just some back ground as to why I started therapy.. cuz maybe some people wonder.

Back in the 80's- but more of the 90's in Benton Harbor where I grew up there were a series of gruesome and grotesque murders that were totally random. As I child I lived in fear.


*When I was in the 3rd grade. Winter Break. My grandma was coming to spend the night w/ me and my mom. I had a desk in my room and she was moving it so we could fit a bed into my room for my grandma. As soon as she walked away a bullet came through the walkway where she put the desk. *I hid under our Christmas tree shivering while my grandma and my mom dealt with the police.** Should have been in therapy then but....


*When I was 13 some guys broke into my house *AGAIN OVER CHRISTMAS BREAK *that I knew from down the street* And I was home alone. My grandma lived one street over and I was on the phone with her scared to death. I screamed at them once they entered "what are you doing here" and they took off running.* THAT SHIT...MAN..HAD YA GIRL ON EDGE! I'm really not fond of the X mas holiday.


So I got into therapy after that because trauma had basically moved in w/ me. And was the worst roomate.

My first therapist Marla is obviously a woman because of her name. She was cool and had unconditional positive regard. She was in training so I imagine by now she is awesome.

Anyway my mom is all crazy..and wanted to ruin my teenage years and I was not having it. So we fought and fought until I got my way and she let me grow into BAM me. So by the age of 16 she let me do me..but before that you better believe she was trying to make the courts deem me incorrigible...because she beat me one day yall so bad..that I did the ultimate no no. I hit her back.. And we fought and we fought..and she called the police...and they took me away in front of my whole block....So then nothing happened but making me go to another therapist.

I don't remember her name. But I remember that she was a young pretty white girl. Not that race matters but I figured I would give you guys and image. I didn't see her long..

Then...I grew up *so I thought @ 16* But me and my best friend K.K..got control. Partied Partied Partied non stop in high school. I had the time of my life. Went to college. Mellowed out. Dropped out. Got engaged. Had a baby..Lost it..and now I have to deal with this volatile relationship that is between me and baby girls father.

So therapy again..

Kat. She is wonderful. We were having too much fun though. I couldn't really get to my issues that I want to figure out about men.

She suggested last year that I see this therapist who is a older man...She told me he was cool and that I would probably like him. I do. I approve.

I just got this new fly Andy Warhol bag. Yellow w/ Elvis on it. He noted it. I was like wow..this old guy is hip. Anyway so we talked and talked non stop for a hour. He told me that I'm very intelligent and it seems like I'm dealing w/ things well. He told me the reason why I attract older professional guys is because they see beauty and intelligence. I still refuse to believe that I am beautiful. I know on the inside yes. But outwardly..eh?
I know that I am really smart. I also know I can't or do not posses the ability to do extremely stupid hard math. Who actually made that stuff up?

Of course we tried to figure my mom out. We decided she was traumatized too..and if you don't deal with things properly they manifest into other things. He said it sounds like because of what happened to her that she wants things to appear perfect that's why she points out things that are apparently wrong with others. He said it sounds like she has gen. anxiety disorder.

So yeah...I approve of new therapist dude... very thorough. He's the new guy in my life.

Color Spectrum

I close my eyes
And I picture you
We are on
The same planet
Venus….
I’ve never been
But you’ve touched the sun
I’m fearful
I’ve stayed on earth
Frequented Mars

Two arrows flying
On the same path
But here where I stand
It is gloomy
And my feet are planted
Sinking..into this wet sand
And I dream of rainbows
Rainbows that lead me
Straight to you
My pot of gold
I dream of touching you
I dream of having you to hold
I dream that the rainbow appears
And that it leads me
Straight…..

to you

I want to climb mountains
With you
I want to explore your mind
I want to be your drug
I want to get you high
But until then
Until it stops raining
Until the sun shines
Until the rainbow appears
I’m right here..
Gazing into the sky

Family.. blood is suppose to be thicker than water. Isn’t that how the cliché goes? So why do families betray each other? Okay, I had an awesome childhood as far as I’m concerned because I was involved in extra curricular activities. I wonder how much money they spent on dance classes? *2 ½ until I dance my last and final dance 06-02. I was 17..*Another place I learned to release my emotions.* We have a summer timeshare in the Bahamas for a whole month, so I was used to doing nice things w/ my mom and Grandma. But on the other hand, I had to deal w/ some real shit. That left me feeling like..How could you do..say..act like this when we are family?

Okay so here is my disclamer for this before I go too deep.

As I’m writing about my mother* Which I haven't done on blogger..would like to keep this shit @ home..but I needed a release.

..I know that some things that we went through aren’t Kodak memories, but I feel the way I feel for a reason. I will write the good bad and the ugly from both sides. One thing that I do know is that I WOULD NEVER ASK HER TO READ MY BLOG. Because there are some things here that I would never want her to see. Let’s forget about Bipolar here for a minute, but why wouldn’t want to hurt her by my words. That’s like saying “Read my book. It’s about you, the whole thing and it’s the nightmare which is your life and what you’ve done to me”. THAT RIGHT THERE IS NOT LOVE. Talk shit about a person, and then ask them to read it. Sick and sadistic if you ask me…

She knows that I believe for the most part that her outward appearance is an embarrassment to me. And yes some of her comments have always made me uncomfortable. She has low self esteem I believe. She was violated more than once in life, and I'm sure that had to left some psychological scars. But she is my mother, and the creator gave me to her. So it is what it is…

I tell her all the time to drink water, and put down the ample diet cokes that she guzzles everyday. I say go Nestle Purelife! I tell her to not smoke, I hate cigarettes! No junk food I tell her..*I found out I can eat as much food as I want as long as I cut out cookies n shyt* She knows that we fight, just like any other mother and daughter. But we both know that we talk about everything under the sun. Sex, Drugs, rock and roll.. I love her I truly do..because man I swear she is a pivotal factor in who I am today.

I will not hit my daughter... because I had enough bruises and welts for the both of us…

I will not yell for stupid shit…

Man she used to ruin my day by yelling @ me early in the morning. It can bring a child down .

My daughters hair will be fly all of the time…with the occasional pig tails or pony tail.

I will keep my self up just so she doesn’t have to be teased…

I will not blame anything on her…

I will be her best friend..while still putting the law down…with out physical force.

I WILL NEVER PUT MY ILLNESS IN FRONT OF MY DAUGHTERS EYES, AND SAY THINGS LIKE "ARE YOU GONNA TAKE CARE OF MAMA IF SHE GETS OLD AND IS CRAZY?" That's sick..and makes me choke just by thinking of putting that type of pressure on her.

Til this day she will say stuff to me like this.. "Are you going to put me in a nursing home?" and the answer is probably.. because I don't do well with illnesses and what not. My grandma slipped away before my eyes because I was too weak to watch her die. I just wish she would grasp how I feel...

Oh well..

Personality Profile..Psychology People Help Me!!

Okay I am so tired. But I need to write so here we go.

My mom is from Michigan, but she's taking this extended vacation away from home. She came here, went to the Bahamas last week, and she is now back at mi casa.

On the last visit I didn't tell ya'll that she opened my mail. She committed a federal offense in my own house. I was totally pissed. I felt totally violated. I am trying to keep certain things quite in my life, and she goes searching for shit. Not to mention I found 2 notebooks that I forgot to hide..Oops..

Anyway she is totally embarrassing. Has been my whole life. Not just by her outward appearance, because I must say at one time my mother was drop dead. Couldn't tell by looking now, and she has the power to change that. One thing I know is I will not be anything like her. At least health wise and what not. So my friend Allison comes over with her friend Ashley. *We say we are a backwards Oreo* I'm the brown filling* We went into the bathroom because I was getting ready to attempt to flat iron my hair. We were in there just talking for a few minutes before my mom comes and is like " Do you want me to go outside?" My reaction is like for what. She said to use the bathroom. Of course we exited. And my girl said that she saw my mom go outside. So she went outside I guess to pee...and comes back and is like oops I wet my pants. I just shook my damn head because nothing has changed. She has always been the one to do shit like that. I want to get a profile done on her, so I can figure her out totally. It's like she likes pity or something.

And then..I can't inform her about a lot of things about me is for the simple fact she is weird... Okay I've been recently trying to put this into a correct format that people other than me can get this..

I had a friend back in the day on my street who had cerebral palsy. Now I had been playing with the girl for sometime now..but on this one particular day as were driving past her house towards our house she goes "So your friend is crippled huh?"..and I'm like what a freaking rhetorical question? What did she expect me to say?

Oh and please don't let there be a handicapped person anywhere around her..boy she will point it out. I recall one time we were coming back from the Bahamas and we were sitting in the airport. And there was this girl..maybe 14ish with her family. She obviously had some physical and mental issues, but here goes my mom making it all obvious again. She grabs my hand and begins to thank God that her child is normal. I am like how freaking lame is this? And why does she have to do crap like that. People who have disabilities already have the shorter end of the bargain, and really don't need people pointing out the obvious. I just don't get her? My psychology people help me....What is her deal?

I love her, but she really needs to get a grip. Because mother or not, I've always been all about saying how I feel. There is a whole different story behind both of us that only we know. She and what she did to me made me who I am today. The good and the bad. I am just tired of her...HELP ME I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO CALL IT....