Some Kind of Therapy

Family.. blood is suppose to be thicker than water. Isn’t that how the cliché goes? So why do families betray each other? Okay, I had an awesome childhood as far as I’m concerned because I was involved in extra curricular activities. I wonder how much money they spent on dance classes? *2 ½ until I dance my last and final dance 06-02. I was 17..*Another place I learned to release my emotions.* We have a summer timeshare in the Bahamas for a whole month, so I was used to doing nice things w/ my mom and Grandma. But on the other hand, I had to deal w/ some real shit. That left me feeling like..How could you do..say..act like this when we are family?

Okay so here is my disclamer for this before I go too deep.

As I’m writing about my mother* Which I haven't done on blogger..would like to keep this shit @ home..but I needed a release.

..I know that some things that we went through aren’t Kodak memories, but I feel the way I feel for a reason. I will write the good bad and the ugly from both sides. One thing that I do know is that I WOULD NEVER ASK HER TO READ MY BLOG. Because there are some things here that I would never want her to see. Let’s forget about Bipolar here for a minute, but why wouldn’t want to hurt her by my words. That’s like saying “Read my book. It’s about you, the whole thing and it’s the nightmare which is your life and what you’ve done to me”. THAT RIGHT THERE IS NOT LOVE. Talk shit about a person, and then ask them to read it. Sick and sadistic if you ask me…

She knows that I believe for the most part that her outward appearance is an embarrassment to me. And yes some of her comments have always made me uncomfortable. She has low self esteem I believe. She was violated more than once in life, and I'm sure that had to left some psychological scars. But she is my mother, and the creator gave me to her. So it is what it is…

I tell her all the time to drink water, and put down the ample diet cokes that she guzzles everyday. I say go Nestle Purelife! I tell her to not smoke, I hate cigarettes! No junk food I tell her..*I found out I can eat as much food as I want as long as I cut out cookies n shyt* She knows that we fight, just like any other mother and daughter. But we both know that we talk about everything under the sun. Sex, Drugs, rock and roll.. I love her I truly do..because man I swear she is a pivotal factor in who I am today.

I will not hit my daughter... because I had enough bruises and welts for the both of us…

I will not yell for stupid shit…

Man she used to ruin my day by yelling @ me early in the morning. It can bring a child down .

My daughters hair will be fly all of the time…with the occasional pig tails or pony tail.

I will keep my self up just so she doesn’t have to be teased…

I will not blame anything on her…

I will be her best friend..while still putting the law down…with out physical force.

I WILL NEVER PUT MY ILLNESS IN FRONT OF MY DAUGHTERS EYES, AND SAY THINGS LIKE "ARE YOU GONNA TAKE CARE OF MAMA IF SHE GETS OLD AND IS CRAZY?" That's sick..and makes me choke just by thinking of putting that type of pressure on her.

Til this day she will say stuff to me like this.. "Are you going to put me in a nursing home?" and the answer is probably.. because I don't do well with illnesses and what not. My grandma slipped away before my eyes because I was too weak to watch her die. I just wish she would grasp how I feel...

Oh well..