Baby Boy- My Friday Post

Baby Boy..This is one of my favorite African American Movies for so many reasons. John Singleton really did his thing with this one. It told the truth about so many boys..that are still babies. Out there planting seeds, that they aren't ready to help water. It opened my eyes to "ghetto" love. I have never dated a thug. So I don't know if I'm missing anything, but this movie gave me a feel of what that would be like. He would always be "running" around on me.. Even though I wouldn't classify Jody *Tyrese* as a thug. He was just "hood" I guess. Cali hood....ya'll know Californians are on some other ish. Basically all of my family lives there so I know. Anyway, I'm going to try to describe my favorite scenes... I can't remember the baby's momma name *Tayari* is her real name, but she was the mother of Jodys son. Her and Jody had just got done fighting, and she was saying she hates him..this and that. She ran down the stairs and told him she hated him in his face. He took her upstairs..and threw her on the bed, and they had sex. Then he said something like I know you gonna go cook them tacos. And she was like yep, Im'a cook them tacos, I'ma clean up. Then..when Ving Rhames had Jodys mama in her room hopping around the room in some kinda sex position that I've never seen. And Jody was in the other room listening. That ish was funny... The scene that I didn't like seeing..was when Jody took *Tayari* to the abortion clinic..And she was laying in the bed hurting, and he asked to use the car..WTF? Anyway..What is your favorite scene or part of "Baby Boy"???

......

No one is perfect
There is no such thing
It's only imaginary
It's only a dream
There will always be people
Who are handicapped
Who have stretch marks
Who are cross eyed
Who stutter every word
There will always be people
Who are bald
People that starve
Themselves on purpose
Who are suffering from something
They are unsure of
There will always be people
Who will cut themselves
Just to see blood flow
There will always be people
Who need help..
Out in this imperfect world

But does this mean
That the imperfect person
Doesn't deserve to experience love
Just because the perfect world
Seems them as all wrong?

08..someday..08

So I guess my class is behaving better. But everyday when I come in *Mikey* the boy who is autistic and his parents won't accept it..is shitty..I mean I can smell it when I walk into the door. Today I was designated to change his pull up. I did it..and it brought back memories when I had a co-op job as an asst. teacher at a special needs school..and the teachers made me change all of their diapers. But I was 17!! And these kids didn't have half of the sense that Mikey has..Mikeys wasn't watery, so it wasn't that bad. I talked to his father, about potty training him. Tomorrow he's sending changes of clothes and underwear. I'm gonna try to work with him. Even though I don't know how to potty train a lil boy. I asked his father if they stand up or sit down. He laughed and said they can do both. So we are going to see what I can do w/ lil Mikey. He is so cute though ya'll. He's mixed white and spanish. He has big cheeks and I squeeze em. I try to make him smile, after I got over the initial fear of me not being able to control him. He still likes to spin around in the middle of the floor, but as long as he's not eating inedible items and not hurting himself then hes fine. He said hi to me the day before yesterday. I thought it was sweet. I'm thinking maybe he does like me a lil bit. We'll see.

In a world of my own
I spin
I turn
People yell at me
And I don't know why
I am silent
But I scream
From the inside
And no one
Hears me cry

I am trying to break through
But no one has the patients
To deal with
The issues placed before me
They all run away...
With a headache..
With a head that is shaking..
Praying that someone
Can reach me
But it's not them..

Until then
I am a boy
With spinning dreams
Waiting for someone
To wake me up
From this haze
That hangs over my world
And turn the volume up
On my screams
On blast
Because I am here
I'm just waiting on
Someone to find me...
And grab my hand
Pulling me out of this hole
That my parents
Refuse to believe
I have fallen into
They won't admit
That I'm autistic
Instead they view me
As their perfect little boy...

*****************************************
Words are stronger than actions
Checks pay the bills
But attitudes kill
And that's the truth
Ya dig?

How can someone love
A person they don't deserve
How can someone love
A person who they throw in the dirt
How can someone love
A person they can't stand
It's impossible..
I raise my right hand
To testify to that
I'm for real

Love is more than action
It's the words that go along
Words are written into stone
Sometimes actions get forgotten
But once you write something down
It's there forever
And it's not hard
For it to be easily found
All because people confuse
Love with actions
And completley forget
About actions that compliment words

Love is something
I don't give up on easily
But once I realize
That I'm being abused
I hit the door..
Because I'm too flyy
To be sporting anyones bruise
Just because they got mad
Confusing love...
With nothing but actions
But the words..
That go along with love
Have to always
Match actions....
Or it ain't really love

***************************

..

I am so scared
To even date
Because every time a dude
Even looks at me
I question if he's gay?
Does he hang out in Midtown
Is he pretending to be straight
Would he take me to a gay bar
Would he say
That we were there
Just to grab a drink?
Because that's what I think
When every dude
Opens his mouth to speak..

Even if I do use a condom
If he's worthy of getting me
Into the sheets
The rubber might break
And all of his nut
Will be emptied
Into my stuff
Possibly making me sick
Forever
And then eventually
Killing me off...
Putting me down
For a never ending sleep

All because of what I thought
Was pleasure
But it was only
The devil planting
His evil seed
Because if I let my guard down
A man could just do this to me
Any day now..
Any moment...
I could find out he is gay
When all of this time
He had me fooled
Pretending to be straight

How bout this scenario
He stays w/ a dude
But he claims
That his roommate
Is just his friend
And pays rent
But come to find out
He was letting him
Beat his meat
All of this passed time
And now I am subjected
Possibly to HIV
And could be dying
Right now..
As I speak..

Nah I'm straight
On that D tip
Because I'll never know
If that penis
That is trying to get me
Has a strange discharge
Dripping from it
All because he might of
Stuck it in some nasty bitch
And may want
To contaminate me..next
This is what I think about
Every time a man..
Approaches me..
I'm thinking that he's sweet

*************************************

I have nothing to say
Yet I'm amazed
The thoughts seem
To fly by
Through my head
Quite fast...
Hauling ass..

I am ready
To finish what I started
The most important
Part of me...
I have yet to achieve
I just want
To finish school
It's the last piece to my puzzle
I'm in desperate need

I have dreams
That I will not share
Because haters can
Aim arrows
And knock them
Right out of mid air
I'll keep them to myself
So I won't get jinxed

So for my conclusion
I am miserable
At the moment
Because I just need to do
What I must
And that is finish school
I am so close
Yet so far
And every time
I'm held back
It leaves a scar
On my heart
Because I'm one step
Further behind..
Every semester I sit out
My time ticks by...

********************************

One Bad Bipolar Beauty..ahhhh ya'll thought I was gonna say Bitch!

So... Today was the first day of school. And OMG!! I don't think I've been stressed out by kids like this before. I've opened a can of worms. On my resume from a looonnngg time ago had that my major was special ed. Which it was..like umpteen years ago..lol. But not anymore! So when I was hired the director was excited that I had experience *I worked @ a special needs school before* and then was when I decided this ain't for me. She told me she had two special needs children. Ya'll when I get there..I spot about 6. I get there at nap time, and the special kids are running around. Turning on the water. Eating stuff that isn't edible. They wouldn't be still for nothing. Then trying to get them up for nap and having them sit on the circle was a task. It's like they don't understand. One little girl won't talk. I was trying to work with her, but it was hopeless for today. So after snack most of the kids clear out. Guess who I'm left with. About 8 boys..And half of them are on a space ship headed to a different planet. I'm like damnit. One kid is screaming *is special* about how he wants his mom. An autistic little boy *who's parents refuse to believe that anything is wrong w/ him..they think he'll grow out of it* It's not going to happen. I have no idea what to do w/ boys. Like I said I think they are innately bad, and born with attention spans of ants.

Then my job..they are breaking so many codes. They don't wash the sheets after nap time. EW. They don't have hot water. EW. I saw a teacher breaking hot dogs in half w/ her hands. No gloves. @ my old job we washed the sheets and blankets everyday, but I thought it was gross that we didn't wipe the mats down everyday.

I don't know.. baby girl won't be eating / drinking anything from there when and if she goes. She will have her own sleeping bag probably. She won't be sleeping on another kids germs and skin cells.

Other than me having no materials to do projects with, and I'm dealing with bored kids because they have no resources. Everything is great!

Pray for me and the speds'...

Aye...do ya'll remember any games that we used to play as kids..other than simon says, mother may I, red light green light, musical chairs? Ya'll got any suggestions?

Anyway.. Here we go..what I do best..

I am dizzy

Sometimes I miss a dose

Of you..the cure

I'm all screwed up

.....I'm lost

I'm tired of

Ingesting you into my stream

But if I don't

I'll turn from blue to green

And if I am green

And not blue

Then I'm dead..fa sho

My balance is on track

As you dissolve

Heading immediately to my brain

How can I possibly fall

When you are here

.....Doing your job

"Fixing me"

Just as long as I swallow you

With water every day

I'm cool..

I've felt it for myself

I refused to believe

In the beginning

Of my bipolar journey

What Dr. A said

That it would stop raining

One day..

And I would be able to

Soak in the sun rays

And experience true..happiness

She said positively

With a smile upon her face

She is right

I've felt it

And it is just what she said

Dryer..no longer wet

It sometimes drizzles, still

But that's why I work on myself

So much..

So I'll have the proper tools

To go along with my skills..

That I've acquired

To whether..another cliche'

another..storm

I don't hear voices

I don't start fights

Over random beef

With stupid girls

Who dream to be me

Even though I'm supposedly "crazy"

I never converse

With myself

I do not see shit

And I wear panties

In public

I keep my legs close

When I wear dresses and skirts

If I don't cover her up

She might catch a cold

I am not psychotic

I am only 3/4 of the way gone

.......If that..

I get happy..

Then I'm sad..

Depression is the worst

It hurts..

It hurts..

It hurts..

Bad..

I panic

I am anxious

This is the hardest to control

Because if you can't hide it

Damnit..it's bound to show

I'll cry..

When normally I hold it

......Deep deep inside

Of course..I explode

At totally inappropriate times

Dumping a very very heavy load

Tears dripping down my face

Turing my eyes blood shot red

*******************************

Freedom

Of

Information

Act

Is what Foia stands for

I ain't got nothing to do

With the government

But I tell it like it is

Uncensored

Like it or not

I got a hott mouth

To go along

W/ my bad body

I got my head on my shoulders

I wish one would

Try to knock

Off my block

I'll take my pistol

I'm about to

Get a permit for

Out my purse

And pop you off

That's the gansta girl

Coming out in me

Benny Ha Ha

Went through hood training

Now I'm a beast

And if you keep on playing

I will give you..

A special little treat

A gift from my best friend

Who I call heat..

**************************

I got jumped into a gang

In the 3rd grade

We didn't know nothing

About being G's

Except our color was blue

And we rep'd

The 6 point star

Our enemies

Were the vice lords

Who rep'd red

We were advised

To aim at their heads

With what guns

I don't know

They were imaginary

Invisible air

That's what happens

When little ones

Hang w/ older kids

Get into some other shit

That they've seen done

Thinking its alright

To pass on..

I know now

We couldn't have been serious

We had no artillery

We had no guns

How could we possibly

Get shit popped off?

We couldn't..even if we'd have tried

Absolutely not..

I was a child..

I still claim

To be a G

Just not in the streets

But in the poetry game

I'm a killer

I love the color blue

And that's a pretty star

But my third grade gang experience

Will be something I always look back at

And laugh..at that shit

Forever..hahahahahah..

**********************

Titles Why?

I am having a panic attack.

Argggh. I can't cope with not being able to control the circumstances that surround me.

I can't see my future be put on hold on second longer.

I keep getting lost because I'm always sent to a detour on this ride called life.

I know. Stronger. Stronger. Stronger I will be. But I'm tired of pumping iron. I'm ready to finish the fight.

Okay..Experience it with me.

There is not enough oxygen
Making it into my lungs
So I hyperventilate
Trying to breath slow
Because this feeling
Is really uncomfortable
I feel as if I'm going to
Pass out..

My chest hurts
Because I'm stressed
There is a pill
I can pop
But I don't want to take it
Because I'll quickly fall asleep
And I've got to go to work
Feeling melancholy
Trying to hide my somber mood

I feel like crying
I'm sure I need to
Before it comes out
At the wrong time
And I look like a fool
I just wish this pain
Would go away
Because anxiety attacks
Aren't something that
I usually go through
I'm trying to breathe now
But it's getting really hard
I feel like I need to go
Pass out

It will pass. I will be fine again. This is just a rough patch. It feels as if a elephant is sitting upon my chest. So people I will be back later. So holla... I needed to release this. Poetrynoir..is my therapy...

By: Lateef McLeod

I saw a really good movie today that made me cry on BET of all places.I finally can watch a movie after I messed up my movie roll due to my fear at the time. It was called Lackawanna Blues..and it had yet again an all star black cast. Macy Grey, the Black captain *shame I don't know her name* but she is on Law and Order, and Terrence Howard. The *captain* had a boarding house, and she took in this little boy because his momma and daddy weren't fit to take care of him in her eyes. She did what was best for him. But I can't imagine leaving my baby behind..so it brought tears to my eyes..Anyway the *captain* took in everyone she could.. I don't know if I would want a boarding house, but I do want to, definitely before I die have a non profit mental heath organization. It is a must...

I found this poem today on myspace on a disability advocacy page. I've heard about him before, but never took the time to read anything by him. But his name is Lateef McLeod, and is a writer from Oakland, CA who happens to have cerebral palsy. I think this poem is beautifully written..and basically made me swallow..
***when I copied and pasted it from myspace the line breaks were no more...but i think i broke it right..i hope so..if not..I apologize*

by: Lateef McLeod copyright 2007

Swallow
You say to me
And I really do try
Cuz I be wearing tight fits
Like Rocawear jeans, big Ekco shirts, Gap hoodies
And when I am really
GQ in tailor made suits
And drool does not go with a tailor made suit
You know I try to look suave 24 7
So there shouldn’t be a problem with me swallowing, right?
Well I have to remember to swallow
Every minute
Every hour
Every day
That means when I roll down the street
Swallow
Whenever I talk to someone
Swallow
When I exercise
Swallow
When I go to school
Swallow
Cuz I don’t want anyone to see me drool, especially you
You always say that it makes me look gross
And It is not my attention to gross you out
So I try to swallow like a mad man
I (swallow)
Try and (swallow)
Consciously do something
(swallow)
That everyone else
(swallow)
Does unconsciously
(swallow)
And you still
(swallow)
Can’t understand
(swallow) Why
(swallow)
Can’t I
(swallow)
Learn to swallow
(swallow)
All the time
(swallow) It is like
(swallow) To toss you a tennis ball
(swallow)
Telling you
(swallow)
To throw it
(swallow)
The air and catch it
(swallow)
Every 15 seconds
(swallow)
And yell at you
(swallow)
When you drop the ball
Swallow
Just swallow
Come on and swallow
You know you want to

http://www.myspace.com/sinsinvalid

So the writers on this website are mostly all physically disabled. Where as when it is "mental" people can't see it, and there for have a hard time understanding. I know from wanting to be a special ed teacher that people with any type of disability doesn't want to be treated any different. No one wants to be pitied.

People kill me when and if they find out that I have bipolar. "Fallon it doesn't seem like it. Nu-uh." I am usually my jovial self. But the people who contribute to sinsinvalid basically have no choice. They where a badge everyday. That is heroic.