09.15

*Sigh* Today I woke up just knowing it was going to be a good day. I try to have a positive outlook on each day. That is until something comes to f it all up. I am the first to admit that one thing can ruin my whole entire day.

I get an email Friday from the computer fixer people at my school, saying that I left my license. They took it to public safety. So why when I go to public safety this morning all jovial just knowing they had my license, the woman told me they mailed it?? Now that wouldn't be a problem except my old address ie. baby girl's dads house, doesn't have a damn mailbox. We had a po box. That means when they try to take it to that address, the mailbox will be invisible. That's not that part that pisses me off, they didn't even have the decency to put my license in an envelope. That means there is no return to sender. She said they just dropped it in. With a freakin' attitude. Talking about I better be glad she didn't shred it.

Okay..

I evaluated the situation, and decided to walk away before I found a way behind that glass to punch that lady in her face. I see why they have that damn glass up there now, so people like me can't reach in and wring their necks. I walked down the steps, and immediately started crying. I had my shades on, and tears were just rolling down my cheeks. I know I turned red. Two guys stopped and even sat with me while I was freaking out. I couldn't even talk to them. I was thinking # 1. I don't have any money to replace a new license. #2. I can't miss school or work. #3. How can I stop myself from breaking down like this?

I called my job, freaking out also. I told my boss what happened barely, and she told me to handle it. She said it would be okay. She told me to calm down, and that it wasn't the end of the world. Well duh..I know this..but it still didn't matter... I couldn't convince myself of that then.

I walked from outside to go to the bathroom, and I started ballin' harder. Some girl was in the bathroom pretending to be in the mirror. Ya'll I wanted to scream at her, but I contained myself. I managed to stop crying, because I needed to go to the circulation desk in the library, to get some books they had on reserve for me. The librarian asked if I was okay. I shook my head no. She asked if I wanted to go talk to a counselor. I shook my head no. She told me that it would be okay, and if I didn't want to talk to them then I could talk to her. I managed to say thank you. Then I started crying again. How embarrassing. Tomorrow I will go tell her how much I appreciate her kindness.

This all was happening during the 10 o'clock hour, and my next class was at 11. I knew I had to straighten it up. I stopped crying for the most part during my classes, but random tears just kept falling down my face staining my pages. My professor for two classes in a row I think could tell something was wrong, because he kept looking at me all funny. I know he was like WTF?

I wasn't upset at the license anymore. I was upset because I'm tired of being like this.I hate holding everything in until it is too late, and then I just explode.I don't go out into the world fearing that I will have a mood swing in front of people. Maybe I should now, because that shit is not cool what happened today. I usually go into hiding when I feel uneasy. But what if somebody youtubes me?

Then my zip drive breaks @ work..ARGH! It fell out of my bag. I started to cry again. My boss hugged me and told me it would be okay. Goodness gracious, when I cry..I cry..Because I NEVER cry until my tears are built up that they overflow. I must say that I've cried an awful lot in 08. 8 is supposed to be my lucky number, maybe I need to rethink that.

I know it's probably due to me loosing my meds. I found them when I got home in a purse that I was carrying last week. Now my body has to readjust, and that means I'll be up all night crunk as ever. I feel queasy and whatnot when I don't take them, but I do get a moment to just chill. I don't feel as hyper when I don't take them. Anyway, I didn't do it on purpose. I am committed that I will not ride a roller coaster around life.

I hope that all of this greif is training me to not take things so seriously in the future. Even though, I've been this way my ENTIRE life there is always room for change. Just like Obama I'm all about improvement, and change. That is one of the reasons that I write, to help me pin point my faults. After I post this..A weight will be lifted, and can move on from today. Tomorrow could be f-ed up too, but at least today will be behind me..

I know I shouldn't let stuff get to me that is out of my control..I know, I know. I just don't know how to go about it.....I seek and I shall find...

*************************

I noticed today..
That when ever something
Goes right or wrong
Majorly.
That I dial your 10 digits
Instantly.
On my pink starry phone
I don't even need speed dial
Yours is one of the few
That I actually know
But why is that?
I ponder..
Because the reality is..
My pain is beautiful to you
It's like life's doing the abusing
So you don't have to
You get to take a break
While you gather evidence
To use against me next..

I believe I call
Because calling you
At one moment, in my time
Was the right thing to do
I want to believe
That there was a day
When you truly loved me
And viewed my pain
....as ugly
A mere scar that I worked hard
...to make disappear
I want to believe
There was a time
When I was comforted by you
But things are a little foggy now
And I'm confused
As to why I still call you?

What becomes of a dream?
To answer that..
....an end
We fell asleep to sunshine
And awoke to night
Dreams can turn into nightmares quickly
There was one point in our time
That we couldn't be told nothin'
We were smitten
It could be seen in our eyes
We talked about forever
Reciting metaphors and such
Declaring our love..
In bed together
We made magic
Our daughter
And for that..
I will love you forever
And if you didn't know it
Now you do
Cuz I wrote it..
Maybe that is a reason..
As to why I keep calling?
Oh well..
One day it will have only been a habit
That somehow got broken....