A girl...

I am here
So I question my existence
I am an outsider
In a world that says
You have to belong
I wonder..
Why they are so worried about me
Because I have no concern
With myself..when I look
In the mirror..I hardly
Recognize my gaunt face
I am filled with self hate
Burning with rage

I don't like to answer questions
About why I dress
The way that I do
People always try
To figure me out
They just stare
Is that a boy
Who's confused..
And convinced that he's a female?
It's an instant reminder
That I don't fit into
"Normal" peoples ideologies
Because I am a 16 year old boy
Who wants to be a girl
I wear eyeliner
And I polish my nails and my toes
I dress up in my moms
Skinny jeans when she leaves
And I practice strutting in her pumps
I pretend I have hips
And two humps on my chest
By putting on her bra
And stuffing it with socks
She just figures..
Wearing eyeliner and polishing my nails
Is just a stage..
But she has never caught me
Dressing up in HER clothes
I wonder what she would think of me
If she knew I didn't want to be a boy?

I have no friends
I am a social outcast
As I walk down the hallways
Of my current life
All of my peers laugh
Because they don't understand
But I have a plan..
And a goodbye note
To all of the people
Who could have loved me
Whether I was a boy or girl
I am locked inside of a cage
Where I'm afraid to be me
I am suicidal
And I wish to die
So I can be set free
I have a rope
I will now hang myself
From a tree
In the front of my high school
In my mothers favorite outfit
wife beater.pumps.and skinny jeans
They will forever remember me
And think twice about taunting
Someone..
Who's sexuality..
They don't quite understand..
I am the poster child now
For boys who really are...
Girls

Who knows if
I will be accepted
Into the kingdom..
Who is ruled by God
Because I committed
The worst sin of all
I took my own life
Not abruptly though
I gave it a lot of thought
I was born this way
It wasn't something I was taught
And the circumstances
Of the world..
And their perfect ideologies
I was before my time
And now it's time for me to rest
Whether in heaven or in hell
I finally get to be..
A girl..

i am extremely tired. i have no idea if what i just wrote is coherent. I just needed to get it out..and i could have saved it as a draft, yes... but i'm starting to collect those, and like cereal that has been in my cabinet for 3 weeks..it's old so I can't use it.