And it happens again...

We'll today is my mothers 50th birthday. I was going to call her and wish her a happy bday when I woke up this morning. But that was at 4:40 in the am and I figured she would be still asleep. So I rolled back over onto my stomach, and in the darkness I thought and meditated. Finally, I went back to sleep. I didn't wake up again for the second time until she called me. I wished her a happy birthday and whatnot. She told me that one of her clients family took her out for dinner. She continued with talking about how her lil man friend was going to order takeout and hangout with her today. The abruptly she adds "oh yeah I know you didn't want me to know because you didn't tell me, but I'm paying your hospital bill off." I'm like no she didn't just say that to me.

*If you didn't know in JUNE she was here visiting me, and basically broke into my mail box. She retrieved my mail. As I come home, baby girl runs from the back yard screaming "nana opened your mail." I knew she COULDN'T do that. Anyway, she committed a crime and felt that it was okay because I'm her daughter. I was pissed off, and hurt. @ her still treating me like a child and invading my property. No telling what else of mine she has.* Anyway, now it comes back again today.

She has known since that day in June that I had been "hospitalized" so why now on her birthday does she bring this up? I didn't say anything after she told me she knew. She just said that I don't have to worry now about the bill going into collections. I am mad and I feel violated all over again.

So I don't know what to do next. Do I tell her that her daughter has Bipolar? Do I lie about the circumstances that landed me there? Or do I pretend nothing is wrong?

I do not NEED a person that constantly is questioning me. "Did you take your meds today?" "Are you depressed or manic?" "Do you think you are suicidal?" "Your eyes seem a little dark and stormy, are you feeling okay?" Hell no! Like I've said previously I don't wear a darn shirt that says "I AM BIPOLAR." But some of my friends/professors (I was in some of their classes when it happened) do know. I know it probably crosses their mind , but they don't let me know it. I talk about it openly if they want to. They don't treat me any different. My mother will.

I always go back to that drive down Naiper Ave. in B.H. Michigan. One of her coworkers drove past us and she said "She's crazy. She is bipolar." WTF? I didn't know about me back then, but I hate when people mock people who have differences other than themselves. Especially disabilities. She did it again last week when I was on the phone with her driving home from work. She said, "You know such and such? Well the one who had retarded daughter?" I said "no" in a lower tone pretending to be distracted. I tuned her out from that moment on. I was thinking there she goes again. And of course I remember Alicia, and she had down syndrome. I didn't even want to ask her if she died since she used "had."

I guess this may be my opportunity to tell her exactly what's up, and how I feel. But I don't want to. I don't if I'm ready. But the up side to this is once she does know I can finally become the type of mental health advocate I want to be. I don't think I will be to fully achieve that status until I come out of total hiding.I can't wait until I graduate so I can start working on my non-profit organization. I guess of not now..then it will happen later.

I wish that I could be open with you
But you have been invading my privacy
Since I can remember..
You always apologize
Yet never mean it
Because you turn right around
And do it again
Thinking that it's your right to know everything
Because you're my mother
And I'm you're kid
But that's not how it goes
It's called trust...
And there is no way..
That I trust you..

How can I?

I had to hide my art
While living in your house
For the fear of being read wrong
But you still found it..
And made sure I knew ..
Should have kept it a secret
When you read..
That I had lost my virginity
When in all actuality
The poem was about my bff..Kourtney
I lost tons of respect for you
Because you invaded my poetry

Now your invading my life as an adult
When I am hundreds of miles away
I feel violated right now...
The same way I felt when I was 16
All I can do now
Is buy a safe..
And when you come to visit
I can lock all my privacy away