A big ass pill to swallow

I hate swallowing pills. So yeah I’m up feeling terrible, and I’m done swallowing pills for the day. So that means I won’t be taking any cold medicine...my daughter is at a slumber party..and I’m home alone feeling anxious. I’m not used to sitting still that’s what it is. Especially at this time of night, on the weekends of course, so all I can do is write. I used to be addicted to my notebooks. But I really like to type everything now, because it’s faster and a whole lot neater. Plus I don’t have to hide them from unwanted viewers. People pick up my ish and then get mad when they don’t like what they see. I tell it how it is…even if I’m in the wrong..which leads me to something I’ve done wrong..a big pill I had to swallow..

My grandma’s only son, my uncle married my aunt. My aunt couldn’t have babies, or my uncle couldn’t, one of the two. So they decided to adopt a baby. I met her when I was probably 3. I held her..I actually remember the day I met her. I held her with a pillow behind my arm. I don’t forget much..Anyway, as I got older..*Not much older ppl* maybe 6 I found out she was adopted. And get this, she didn’t know that she was adopted. I was thinking at that age..okay why tell me this..Such an enormous secret for a child to keep to herself..and away from her cousin..

How it came out wasn’t in the best of circumstances. I remember being 12..and she was 9 and my uncle her daddy was dying of cancer. We were playing outside @ my house. Her parents, my mom and our grandma were there...and I don’t know how it came up..but I just blurted it out… “ You are adopted”….then of course me being a kid I tried to take it back with saying “I’m just playing”. I don’t remember if she ran in and told on me or what, but I know my mom said had to face my dying uncle in the face and tell him that I was sorry. Sorry for spilling a secret that I had no business in the first place knowing. Then I got my ass beat..all over that backyard on Columbus St. Wow….

Now as an adult I can’t imagine adopting a kid, and not telling it where it came from. And I couldn’t fathom telling some kid daughter, cousin, niece, or whatever that one of our family members is adopted..but shhh don’t tell them because they don’t know. That was a hard pill for me to swallow as a child..and I learned then that harboring secrets will kill you. I remember being around her for years..knowing something about herself that she had no idea. And back then I had no idea that she would ever know. At 12, I knew I did something very wrong, but in the same breath at least my uncle died knowing that he didn’t die lying to his daughter. He died knowing that she knew where she came from. I hate that I had to be the messenger, but they say everything happens for a reason.
When I saw her last she was in contact with her birth mother. She has a daughter now herself, so I know her mother’s are enjoying that baby in their lives.
I feel uncomfortable around my cousin now though. Mainly because we haven’t talked about how she felt about me breaking the news. I’m sure this conversation if it happens at all.. We will probably be in our 50’s or 60’s or something. But I hope we do have it. I know I hurt her, but I would love to tell her that I didn’t do it to be mean or spiteful, but because I felt she needed to be given a piece that was missing from herself. ****I want to send this to her..what do you think?*****