Noir

I am going to start here…

He asked “why aren’t writing anymore?”
He saw that it was my ecstasy
A natural high that I didn’t have to pop
My insights that I reflected about life
He sees the affects
How I am noticeably frayed
And turning completely noir
How not attending some kind of therapy
Is altering poetry
My visible, natural, born ability
The talent that makes me complete
Without it like a puzzle that isn’t quite intact
It’s got a hole in it..
Just like me
Ragged

He offered a solution that maybe I am content..
With the noticeable unbearable silence
That my life is now surrounded with
I agreed that fighting so very hard in the past
To turn down the audible noise
That was way too strident
For anyone with good sense to bear
Now that I can hear
I agree that I’ve gone mute..
I can’t speak
I told him even if I could..
I’ve found that I don’t have much to say

I told him a story
About how I kept the key to my poetry
In the pocket of my jeans
Took it out one day to write what “they” want
And now it’s now where to be found
My emotions are building up
Like an orgasm that is right there
Yet I can’t explode
Because my focus gets lost
Thoughts float away into mid air
Creativity gone
Followed by a blank stare

I asked him if he understood what I meant
He replied “yeah”


K...I don't know I feel as if this is a hot mess..My prof's say you just have to write to begin to write if that makes sense..Anyway..It's weak. But it's just a lil insight into how I feel..

A Hot Ghetto Mess..

The lil girl gettin' it would have been me at my daddy's n' nem house lol...I remember many a day when my mom would catch me on the block droppin' it like it was hot. She would yell from our front porch "Get yo fast ass in this house."

If I wasn't shuffle ball steppin' or doing moves that involved jazz hands my mom wasn't having it..especially when I was that young.. Yet, I just wanted to pop and roll like my cousins in the projects..

At black gatherings especially where children are involved there will always be a dance contest. There will always be a winner who will feel like they are the shit cuz "they know how to dance good" and there will always be a loser who will feel so tiny because everyone will know that they can't jig. The loser will spend endless hours in front of a mirror from then on until they become confident that they can possible win a battle..

I was telling my mother that I want my baby girl to be able to dance..formally and I want her to be able to handle herself in these ATL streets. I started taking ballet,jazz,tap, modern when I was a wee one, and didn't stop until I graduated from HS. After seeing this video I don't know if I will be comfortable w/ my lil baby girl tootin' her booty all up in the air, while rollin her hips and ish.. But what can I say..I did it..

What do ya'll think about lil girls droppin it like it's hot?

10,9,8,7,6,5,4,3,2,1

I got this from Muze's blog, and she was right this was harder than I expected. It was fun though! I suggest that ya'll do it to..



-10 things that you wish you could say to 10 different people * In no particular order , except my # 1*

Your breath really stinks and I’ve noticed this not just once. It amazes me at how I can be sitting seats away from you and I can still smell it. I think you need to go see a doctor.

I think your lips are sexy. Sometimes I find myself starring at them.

I wish you would stop trying to contact me through various friends of yours. The same friends whose business you told to me. Do you still give play by plays on everyone else’s’ lives? As you can see just like I ignored you, I am ignoring their messages. You were poison in my life. You have been dismissed. And yes, if he doesn’t know I’m still keeping your secret.

I think that you lie on your penis. I don’t believe that chicks give it up to you like you describe.

I wish that you wouldn’t have gotten little like that. I wish that I had a number to call to leave a message about you not answering the phone, and then waking up to a text from you early in the am. You were a good friend and I hope that you are okay. I miss you.

I cannot believe that you do not work and your house is a filthy mess. You know you are wrong for trying to “clean” up that day when I dropped by. That action right there made it more obvious. You should have just said “excuse my junky house.” At least you would be admitting that you had a problem.

I knew along time ago.

I hope you catch something wit’ yo nasty self..

Ya’ll are wrong for naming your children with the Chi prefix. You are name biters. Know that she was the first.

I miss you everyday. I wish that I was strong enough to be there when I was able to. I admit I was afraid of your disease. I was afraid of seeing you like that. Yes, I was a punk. I still vividly remember our last meeting. You bought my chocolate at the airport. You said you couldn’t walk to go get it with me. You knew I loved chocolate, and I thought it was the sweetest gesture. We took pictures. We said goodbye as I walked towards security check. It being a small airport, I was able to stare at you through the glass that separated us at the airport. I was struggling to hold back my tears. I knew it would be the last time that I would see you alive. You waved goodbye and blew me a kiss. My heart ripped apart at that very moment. With you I had the closest relationship to date. You were the first one to touch me. You were the first to wash my hair. If there was anything that I could tell you is that you are my hero. I am so proud of you for making something out of nothing. I praise you for not letting anyone stop you from your dreams. I commend you for leaving your family and graduating from college and attending graduate school. You told me it was hard, but you had to do it for them, for us. Thank you for everything. P.S. I still have the last dress you bought me. And yes, I can still fit it!!


-9 things about yourself

I have a bag/purse fetish.

I always ride in the HOV lane when I am alone if have to drive to or from northern Atlanta.

Every night I sleep in a bra.

When I am nervous I bite my lips.

I experience all-or-none thinking.

Due to this café on my schools campus and the wonderful blueberry muffins I now don’t have a flat stomach. When I put on my jeans now my belly rolls over my pants.

I make the best homemade macaroni and cheese.

I will not censor myself to appease anyone.

My mother only has one child. >>Me

-8 ways to win your heart

Never be obviously trying to hit on me. No pick up lines whatsoever.

Become my friend first.

Accept me as I am.

Make me laugh hysterically.

Surprise me with a purse!

Be book smart and street smart combined. But if you aren’t book smart you really don’t have a chance with me. There is something about intelligence that turns me on.

Don’t be into fashion more than me. This is my number one turn off.

Love my daughter

-7 things that cross your mind often
Is there really a God? Why is Christianity the “right” religion and why are all other religions damned to hell?

How come Martin Luther King, Malcolm X, and JFK *non-evil people* seem to always get shot dead, whereas George W. *evil* never had one shot fired at him. Well I guess the shoe was good enough. It should have connected though.

I wonder what she who tap danced next to my heart is doing at the moment that I am thinking about her.

Food is always crossing my mind. I’m always thinking of the next thing that I am going to eat.

I wonder if and when I will tell “them” about Foia. I wonder if they will question my stability, and if they will respect the place that I stand.

Before Barack got elected I would wonder if a white man would always be the president.

UFO’s??

-6 things you do before you go to sleep

Give baby girl a bath.

Floss and brush my teeth

Take a shower

Read stories to the lil mama in preparation for her to be tucked in.

Write.

Make sure no candles are flickering.

-5 people you couldn’t live without
Mom/Dad- without them how would I live?

The person who addresses me as jones or folk.

Tony- my nail guy

My grandma* although I still breathe.

My daughter

* Disclaimer: I know that without these people life there would be a void. I would be incomplete, but I would live. I would just live with memories and I would long for their presence.

-4 songs that fit your life perfectly

“Someday” Nickleback
“Disturbia” Rihanna
“The One” Cee-lo
“Trouble Sleeping” Corinne Bailey Rae


-3 things you’re wearing right now

A pink tee shirt

Brown leggings

A red bra

-2 things you want to do before you die

Start a non-profit mental health organization that mainly focuses on adolescents and young adults.

Name a star.

-1 confession

I have skipped school to watch “The View.”

Gone Hate

I met Muffy about 3 years ago at M Bar in Atlanta. When it first opened and one of my best friends managed this spot I could be found there maybe one night out of the week. Anyway, she has done a lot of video modeling and has always tried to look out for me on that tip. I haven't really gone to video castings, but once I found out that she was starting her music career I had to jump in her ish. Anyway, I hope she takes off. Her manager is Coach *guy who jump started Jeezy's career* and Bangladesh *producer who made Lil Wayne's "A Milli" beat. She is in good hands and I wish her the best of luck..

So ya'll check "Gone Hate" Muffy's first video..in which I appear!





And then my boy who goes to school w/ me posted this video blog on his blogspot. You finally hear me speak. We were watching The Lion King at school one Sunday evening and made this video while we were waiting on the video. It was just us getting our media and culture on. No offense to Hispanic people. I was just playing, but I don't appreciate even people from their race trying to claim me. I do not know Spanish, so do not speak to me in the streets. lol. This is Foia being goofy.. The audio is a lil iffy, but see what it do!

RIP Caylee Anthony

I do not even know where to begin. Yes I do. If this was a black child with a black mother, I am wondering if this would be blowing up the media? Nope...One day we will have fair and balanced media. Just like our mixed president elect. Anything is possible..


I was looking at Caylee and her sweet lil face and it made me think of my baby girl, and what could posses a person to do this to a child? I am not making assumptions and I would like to think that her mother had nothing to do with it, but it is not looking good for Casey.

The image that keeps flashing in my mind is Casey dancing so free and happy at that bar. WTF? Either she had no idea what was going on with Caylee, or she is totally out of it. Now I try to stick up for the MI and I don't know if Casey has been diagnosed, but if she killed her child and had no remorse she needs more than help.

Look at them in the picture. They both seem happy. I know that parents some times "snap," because my mom snapped on more than one occasions. I can see how an accident can happen, where you kill your child. I was thinking today what would my mother have done if she had accidentally killed me with her torturous beatings?! I don't hit my baby girl. (YET) She has a smart mouth. I want to pop her one sometimes. Everyone except my mother tells me that I should. Funny huh? That is a different subject and a totally different post. What I'm trying to figure out is if a jury/judge and I, most of all will buy Casey's mental illness plea?

I was saying to one of my friends the other day about BP and such, while referring to my father being an alcoholic. I said that if I created a life of turmoil for my baby girl and blamed it on BP, how fucked up would that be? I got into it w/ my father over the phone about 2 mts ago *again a diff post* but I haven't talked to him since. He snaps for no good reason, and I don't deal with drama in my life AT ALL. I don't play. If you don't mean F any good, then I get to stepping out of your life. So, he went to Vietnam and so he drinks too much, but he is the one who dictates his actions through all of that. Either you step up to the plate and deal w/ it, or everything else is bull shit. Just like when he tells me he's proud, but then turns around to cut me down. Whatever. So if I did the same thing to my baby girl, and blamed it on this illness then she would have a reason to feel the same way.

So my point is..if Casey was feeling stressed then she should have sought out help. She had her mother there for goodness sake. She had a baby sitter whenever. I feel bad for this child, and this is my public service announcement to all parents....

If your shit is becoming to hard to handle don't take it out on the child. Who knows what type of person that you will create. You can only hope they turn your damage into art..

Honestly, it feels as if the life has been sucked out of me, which leaves me feeling forced whenever I try to write. I haven't written a poem in a good two to three months, when previously I would EASILY write two or three poems a day. Prior to now I could find inspiration in anything. I am silenced, and I believe it is doing damage to me. I am tuning out the outside world. I don't answer my phone when my friends call. I always hit the button. When they do catch up with me I get chewed out. In the beginning my excuse for not wanting to talk on the phone was school and so much homework, but in all actuality I just don't want to be bothered. I don't like to bring people into my ish. That is why I write, because this is my outlet, and unlike listening, reading is a whole lot easier to tune out.

There is so much that I want to say and cannot find the words.

ARRGH! I am frustrated....I want to scream. Damnit

Update

I passed all six of my classes. I still don't have my passion of writing anymore. I can just imagine what not being able to express myself like I once did through writing will do to me later. I figured that I could leave this message at least. I doubt anyone is checking for me anyway. But just in case... I am alive.

I don't know what else to say.

Foia

Tag you're it!

I was tagged by Tosha ...I am supposed to tell seven random or weird facts about myself...


1. I eat the same thing over and over again until I get tired of it. I call whatever I am interested in eating at the time my "kick"..Right now I am feeling blueberry muffins and turkey sandwiches..

2. I am terrified of police sketches. Something about them sends me into sheer panic.

3. I don't drink the lil bit of water that is left in my water bottle because of the germs and backwash that sinks to the bottom. My mom always used to tell me she was going to pour all of the left over contents into one bottle and make me drink it..Gross!

4. When about to get off of the phone with one of my friends I have the tendency to hang up with out saying bye.

5. I have 2 reoccurring dreams: One is that I am about to go on a trip, but end up forgetting something important. The other is that I am at the airport and my luggage is too heavy. <<<<<<< This pinpoints the reason as to why I have travel anxiety..

6. I always gag when I swallow my meds. One tries to mask the nastiness behind a fruity taste, and the other one is just plain gross..

7. I stand in the mirror and do squats in an attempt make my booty bigger.

This was harder than I thought, because of course I am in no way weird ;)

Anyway I'm tagging...

Variable Particle

Dreamy

Muze

Mikey

Bam

Sexyluv

****I miss my fellow bloggers who have taken a break...

11.19.08

Today was interesting to say the least. In my media and culture class we had an anonymous chat, where we had to at least change our gender. We are taught to believe that gender is a performance. My class did just that. They put on and showed their asses. My professor was present in the chat room and I know she was thinking that that what was going on was way out of hand. I was bored for the most part, because everyone kept talking all freaky. I wanted to discuss issues that weren’t focused around a spectacle, but they weren’t attentive to my needs. I would want to do something like that again if my peers could be serious. My friends still don't know who I was..and no for those viewing *Mr. Sofa King who tracked my blog down* (Frown) I ain't telling just yet...ha!

Then I go to meet my new “client.” I will call him B. He is 57 years old, African American, and autistic. He has a feeding tube and hasn’t had food since 1999, until today when his daycare program gave him Kool-Aid and crackers. So as I’m getting trained to learn how to work this feeding tube thing-a-ma-bobber it gets all backed up and starts squirting out everywhere. He started to scream and the nurse and I started to scream. Crackers clogged the tube. It was like his stomach was throwing up. It smelled bad. It took us an hour to get the 3 cans of liquid to flush throughout the tube. He is a funny guy though. He does “thumbs up” all of the time and so do I. He can do simple tasks by himself. He doesn’t seem violent. On the other hand, he does seem touchy feely. He started to jump up and down on the couch when he first saw me, and kept smiling at me. The nurse was saying to him “You like Miss F don’t you B? You think she’s pretty B?” He would laugh. I hope I can do this. I know I have the heart, but I don’t know if I have the stomach. I freak out instantly at the site of bodily fluids that are being vigorously expelled. Oh well, some of ya’ll know my adopted philosophy on jobs. “F it! Sometimes you just gotta get a check.”


I think gay people
Should be able to get married
A play on words
I think they deserve to be happy
Civil Rights
Disability Rights
Legislature has been written
To create privileges
That make the colored and disabled equal
Rainbow Laws…
Should be included too

We are close minded
A discriminatory society
That feeds off of self hate
And seethes of violence
Creating a coalition
Of rage filled people
Who outcast the “other”
Humans have this down to a science

Gay Rights…are a figment of the future
There needs to be an amendment
…added to the freakin’ Constitution
To let Queers do what they do
They are proud
Why aren’t you
Because the United States of America
Is oppressive society
Where we can’t love who we want
…freely

If you are a woman
You have to be strickly dickly
Never letting your eyes wonder
To the ass right in front of you
Or those big ol titties
Men can't fantasize
About another man
They are supposed to suppress their emotions
If they have them
And put on this totally straight and narrow front
You are doomed if you do like dick
So never think about
Assuming the position to suck
But remember gender is a performance
What matters most
is if you put on well enough or not

We live in a white mans world
And don’t let them convince you of anything else
Lesbian
Heterosexual
Gay
Bi
Straight up confused
Transgendered
Drag Queens
Prancing around in hot pants
All people should have the privilege
And be offered the same benefits
As heterosexual couples
Who legally tie the knot
And lock themselves into the marriage box

I think they should be able to adopt
Because there are too many children abandoned
Out there searching for love
Straight couples have the convenience
Of sperm and an egg
Which naturally
Two moms or two dads do not
They should be able to raise their kids
Without eye rolls and stares
How can you claim to be Christian
When you judge another man
Did you miss the memo
God is the only one who can condemn
He is the ultimate judge
In this courtroom called life
I wonder what he thinks
About ya’ll doing his dirty work
Like he really needs your help

Conservatives= the reason…
As to why we are where we stand
We are supposed to be a free land
But right here..
In the US of A
We have no freedom
We are governed by the white mans rule
With a capitalistic hegemonic outlook
Of me and you
Who designates laws
Set up to make the other fail
I am an other….damn
Yet on the brighter side
I do have the ability to love a man
And I can get married
Legally, anywhere on earth
I guess being gay
Doesn't really pay off

Back on the Couch

I’ve been gone for a minute now and the world has changed. Our country will be now in the hands of President elect Barack Obama. He is level headed and intelligent. He is a captivating man and also we have “something” to look at. Barack is handsome no doubt and I don't even dig light skinned dudes for the most part. My heart beat accelerates whenever I see/hear him speak. I think I have a crush on the president!!

I wonder if my grandmother and her friends sat around and talked about how fine Dr. King and Malcolm X were?

This is a time of change. I can say that the year 2008 for me has been nothing but change.

I’ve changed jobs like underwear. * I got a new one taking care of this guy who is autistic. Wish me luck I start tomorrow*

I’ve taken total acceptance and control of my health.

I have forgiven myself and others for harm caused.

I have learned how to trust myself.

I have silenced a presence in my life and am unsure of the pleasuring qualities within the quietness.

I put a halt on my social networking life.

I started this blog!!

I stopped writing in notebooks and just got used to hitting the “post” button.

I’ve ran away from some pretty good opportunities.

I have accepted that I punked out on many occasions.

I have gained a new way of thinking about this white male capitalistic patriarchal society that we live in.

I now believe in social conspiracy theories.

My philosophy hasn’t changed regarding everything that happens is supposed to happen.

2008 has reinforced that “we” are place in the correct place and time that is meant.

I voted for the first time during this election!

The world has changed and has other countries celebrating the joyous victory of President Obama! He is destined to walk in this moment. This is his time!!

This is my time for therapy..I'm back on the couch..


I haven’t been to therapy in a while
So I am uncomfortable sitting straight up on the couch
I’m about to sprawl out
Unsure of what to say
Struggling to find a place to start
I am going to take a deep breath
And begin to blurt out stuff…
Shrinking myself…. through my art

I am a woman of color
Who is supposedly sexy
Not to mention intelligent
And most defiantly interesting
Who has a “mental illness”
Known as manic depression
P.S. just a side note
If ya’ll didn’t know
I strongly dislike those two words
I always drop the crazy bomb
It doesn’t bother me
Unless you use it inappropriately
Like the word nigger or bitch
Watch your context
In the presence of me
Due to those factors
I name above
Societies hegemonic dominate ideologies
Automatically mark me as oppressed
I am supposed to wear high heels
Shaping garments under a dress
Take my husbands last name
And be forced to take meds
Just to fit into a normalcy construct
That is imagined to be there
Because nobody is normal
Everybody is fucked up..
It’s a matter of acceptance
And taking a seat on the couch

I have admitted to the blog world
About my “disease”
That is degenerative
Therefore it is imperative
That I take what is prescribed
Drugs that pump through my veins
That I am hesitant that I need
Yet convinced when I have a “mood” swing
I wonder if the meds could be killing me?
Causing more harm than good
Creating artificial chemicals
That my brain doesn’t make naturally?
That I wish it could

I am in the closet
Pretending that I lost the key
But it’s in my back pocket
Because I am afraid
Of unlocking the door
To society’s knocking
My “family” and best friends don’t know
They toss the word bipolar around
Like it’s a damn ball
They believe that they are perfect
The epitome of the construct of normalcy
Ideologies that enforce
If your brain is altered in any way
You are labeled as less of a person
And referred to as disabled
I have valid reason
To be insecure
Of how they will view me
Once they know
That I go sit on a shrinks couch
And attend some kind of therapy..


Wheew..I feel better..It's a start..I need to get back into the groove of things. I need to find some inspiration. I need to find some energy to do what I love more than my daughter..

I really need to get better at making up titles...

School is ruining my love for writing. I am tired of thinking. I am tired of my mind being enlightened to what the media is all about. Hell, I want to go work for them. I already have a hard time keeping a job, so I don't need to know any dirty information about my future career. Instead this semester is reinforcing my belief to not give a what.

Think about this ya'll...

I just found out that because I dated white boys, that they/I ate the "other". bell hooks this dope media culture theorist wrote about how when a white man seeks to sleep with a woman of color that he is only doing it because he wants a sense of adventure. Being white is viewed as pure and boring. While being colored means you are primitive and more exciting. They want to engage in adventure, and through sleeping with an "other" they gain a sense of thrill. That is why the white person eats the other. The other being the colored person. And the colored person doesn't have to be black..chile she had the races ranked by who they would want the most. African American females were number 1. They do this not realizing or believing that they are carrying on the white dominate roll of the past. This shocked the hell out of me!

I understood exactly what she was talking about. I understood it from my perspective though. Deep down inside I felt that me gaining white guys attention I was in some what better than the colored girl who couldn't. I felt like having a white boy put me on a whole different level. Even though my choice at the time was based on being fed up with black guys doing my dirty @ age 16 I made my choice to become the "other" who got eaten.

My professor explained that these rolls can never be reversed. If a black guy is with a white girl..she is eating your ass..you have no power. You are still the minority. She dominates over you, because she is white.

Now that I know this right here..it makes me skeptical about if a white guy talks to me or wants to date me that he is trying to "eat the other." That's the type of shit I'm talking about. Some things you just don't need to know. LOL...


********************************

I'm going to dig into her past
To see what was up with Silvia Plath
Because I'm afflicted with the same disease
Except I don't know if I'll one day be published
When I can no longer breathe

I feel fed up
Just like all poets, they say
We can see the world for what it really is
How beauty isn't always beautiful
And how ugly times can heal
But there always will come a time
When we're destined to erase ourselves away
Poof..disapear..into thin air
When we can no longer handle it
......It depends on the poets personality
That decides how it's done..

Because everything is sooo deep
And we always swim out too far
When we should have swam in the shallow in
Because we are really guppies
Though we'd like to think of ourselves as sharks

Poetry..
A gift and a curse
A cliche that is true
And the truth hurts
It is my lifeline
Yep I know it's gonna get cut short
But it won't be depended on anybodys doing
I will pull my own damn cord..


Because I view life through the lens of a poet..

10.22.8

One of my girls told me today that she was voting for McCain because she thought Palin was pretty. I almost kicked her out of my apt. I couldn't believe my ears. I went on and on about how incompetent and air headed she is, and she still wasn't trying to hear me. I then told her about how she couldn't name any Supreme Court cases but Roe vs Wade, and under extreme pressure she said that she thinks that Brown vs Board of Education should be left up to the states. I then I told her if that were to happen that little black and white kids couldn't be friends, because they would be segregated. She then said she was going to vote for Obama. I'm think that she will have the Bradley affect at the polls...

Lets say my life has taken another drastic change. I pray..and by golly he answers. Literally like the next day..VERY QUICKLY. I really don't want to get into the issue to much, but whatever it is left me devastated yesterday. I was mentally and emotionally exhausted. I was home starring into space in the wee hours of the night, and a voice from the sky said, "Call your cousin." So I did. He's a minister. He told me exactly what I already knew, and we prayed. I told him about my whole not really knowing about Jesus being the be all end all, and he told me he understood. I felt relieved somewhat after all that.

Anyway, this too shall pass... But "this" passing hurts like gallstones..and I wish they would just stop passing..

Joe Biden..stop talking so much..You tend to blurt out information that the "others" don't need to hear.

**********************************

I reach my hands up
10 streched out wide
And surrender myself
To the King
And Queen of the sky
Because I cannot navigate
On my own
Throughout this life of mine
Because I keep losing my way
Searching quite diligently
For that bright light

I am stubborn
I am blind
I refuse to open my eyes daily
So they remain shut
Everythings dark
And I'm working on making images blurry
Because I continousouly
Move throughout life
Always stumbling
And bumping into stuff
But at this moment here

I'm going to blink
I'm opening my eyes
Then.....
My feet will take off
To follow what I see
Running for help
King or Queen
Please..Please help me

10.17.08

I've seen and read, but never realized that fiction almost always has some type of character with a disability. "Of Mice and Men," "Memoirs of a Geisha," "The Darkest Child," "The Color Purple," comic book characters ie. Batman has it's share of mentally ill evil guys. The disability can be visible(physical) or invisible(mental, sometimes) and are perpetuated by the media in a way that I don't know if I'm too pleased with.

For instance I was watching Law and Order: SVU the other night, and Stablers daughter supposedly is mentally ill. She apparently inherited the gene from her grandmother, which is Stablers mother. Whom he's ashamed of. I missed the beginning, but I gathered that his daughter had been doing a whole lot of things that were erratic. Stabler gave some evidence up on his daughter, because jail was the only place where his daughter could be forcefully medicated. So Olivia goes to find Stablers mother, to make a long story short..His mother described how Stabler was ashamed of her because she was always high strung and eccentric. She told Olivia that one night she was driving with her husband and Stabler in the snow, and thought she was chasing snowflakes. Due to her hallucination she crashed, and Stablers arm was broken. The grandmother then agrees to go talk to the granddaughter to get her to agree to take medicine. She convinces her. Stablers daughters last words to her grandmother were "Do you think I'm crazy?" The grandmother replied, "I think you're just different darling." Something along those lines...

You never see a "mentally ill" person who has their shit together. Why can't we see a representation of a person who takes their meds, a person who runs a support group, a person who goes to therapy? I understand, but at the same time, I have no clue.

*******************



CRASH
That is all I remember
When I busted into that tree
That cold, drafty, December
I didn't have my seat belt on
....And now I'm a quadriplegic
I've been told that I'm lucky
That I don't need a trache to breathe
I can turn my head
So I am able to look where I please

I remember when he first saw me
In traction in room 203
He came in strong
He came prepared
Until he internalized
That I could not move
Like I once did
My beautiful limbs
Forced now...
To be frozen still
My brain is still alive
He realized as so did I
That my body
As I knew it in the past
...Was dead
He rubbed my hand
As I starred into space
Because I couldn't believe
That I would no longer
Enjoy my husbands stroke
...inside of me
EVER EVER AGAIN
And before this happened
We were planning to have kids..

That was three years ago
And he's still here
Treating me just the same
Only now has to bend down to kiss me
I can still feel my lips
And how I wish to stand
Eye level with him
Just once again
Instead I've found a home
Right in my chair
And our intimate life
Is a little different
But please believe
It is still there
I am just glad
That he's still here
And that he's not ashamed
Of his wife
........Or her disability
Or this gift of a chair

Wow!

The debate was very spine tingling tonight. I think my man B did excellent. McCain looked like a angry oompa loompa. I hope he knows that the camera was on him the whole time. Looking like a damn fool. He was blinking so hard when B was talking, and he couldn't even look at him. Barack didn't hardly write a thing, while on the other hand Mcain wrote a essay on that note pad of his. I hope he knows that his image perpetuates a hostile, cantankerous, cranky, nursing home bound, elderly person, who doesn't need to be running nowhere but to the bathroom, or to the grave.On CNN the polls went flat line when McCain was talking about Palin being qualified for the job if he should pass. By golly I think we are in trouble.

You don't want to spread the wealth around McCain? Us poor folk can't get a tax cut huh McCain? This man has 9 something houses right? How greedy can these corporations be? Rich and irresponsible. Whatever billion that bail out was will it trickle down to us the common man? Hell to the no. Everything is going up except the pay rate. People are angry, cranky, and simply fed up. I can't stand to live under another 4 years of BushCain doctrine. He would be better than Palin any day, so I hope he lives if he wins. Because gosh darn it God Bless American.

I wonder if my grandmother and all the women in the 60's thought that Dr. King was fine? Did they sit around and talk about how sexy he was like me and other females do when it comes to O? I know I love me some B. He knows that he looks good in a suit. Go head!

*******************************

Do you ever watch a film or tv show
And wish you had a perfect romance
That your favorite characters get to portray?
I know that the "Titanic"
Makes me believe
In love, and if I were drowning in a sea
That my love
Would sacrifice them self
And not let me freeze

Because I would do the same
For them in the time of need
But love turns it's back often
Because people forget
That falling in love feel

*********************************

I think I'm fallin' off with this poetry thing. I need some damn inspiration. I can't find it..goodness..It always returns. It always has since I've been 13. Have a wonderful day!

A lil somethin somethin

***Question: Would you consider dating a person who would be considered a good catch, who was not registered to vote, or if they were registered had no intentions of going to the poll and voting BO in? I heard this question posed on Frank's morning show V103 a couple of days ago, and I wanted to know what ya'll think? If there is a ya'll..People been dropping off the blogger planet lately. So who knows what's up..*****

Okayhere is a little catch up if you care about what's been going on with me. If not scroll down until you hit my poem if that's how I tickle your fancy..

Exhale** I need a breathe of fresh air. I am barely breathing over here, I'm so stressed out. There is too much to tell in detail, and I really don't feel like getting into it anyway. Let's me just sum it up. My job is really stressful. I'm fed up with the owner who is Asian being too cheap to turn the air on. I'm sick of sweating my edges out. Haha! I'm tired of the disabled children who beat the shit out of me, disrupt the whole class, and don't listen being main streamed. I'm tired of the director who happens to be Indian *they are cool, except as a boss. Then they take it overboard. I'm talking about the women, because they feel some sense of power over someone finally. Then they abuse it,* telling me "Why don't you do this, or that?" No. Why don't you shut the hell up, or get up from that damn chair and help me with these rowdy ass kids? Today I was fed up, and totally ignored her, and rolled my eyes. I don't care at this point if I get fired, cuz damnit I'm thinking of just saying "I QUIT." Got me mopping and sweeping floors like Cinderella, because they are too cheap to hire somebody to clean the place. I am damn tired.

Then school is kicking my ass because I feel like I don't have enough time to get anything done. I'm tired of time limits on quizzes, and test. Damnit, some people don't work well under pressure. I am one of them. Now it's cool if I know my class is 50 mins or a hour and fifteen mins, and I have the entire class period to do it. I'm cool then, but this you got 40 mins to answer these many questions, and write two perfect essays.

I feel as if I need some ADHD medicine or something, because I can't damn pay attention. I blurt out crap, even though most of the time I'm right, it still is inappropriate at times. I feel a bit depressed thinking about that right there. Depression hurts. Now if ya didn't know that is what my main polar is. Sadness is a virtue that I seek to escape. I can't let myself sink into that place. I can't wait until December so I can rest. Geeze..I will make it one way or another.


I step outside of myself often
When it comes to my poems
They are not only
My personal confessional
They are a true testament
Of representations that I see
I just reflect them
Hoping that you can step outside
Of the image
You've painted of me

But today
I am self centered
This is all about me
Brace ya self
Cuz I got some shit to say

Britney's new song says
Men are womanizers
Repeatedly, it's a trend
And just like she said
"They say that I'm crazy
I got yo crazy"
No matter what
I'm still drop dead
Crazy or not
I turn damn heads
That's what you call gorgeous
I am not conceited
I'm just soaking it all in
While I still got it
Hate me why don't ya
Cuz I love it!

The male gaze
I'm guessing is..
Why they can't stop
Gazing at me
It makes me self conscious
Makes me think
I got something hideous on my face
I don't think I'm all that hype
Even though I know I'm blessed to be
This damn flyy..


Okay..this isn't political or anything. Just me having fun with Noir. I'm really too damn tired quite frankly darlin's to give you more than this..O well..Have a good one..

I'm here!

I am so freakin' tired. I didn't think I could be this exhausted. Ya girl or not is burried under so much homework, that I'm struggling to get this out. It's 1:00 in the a.m. and I gotta go to class @ 8:25 in the morning. I hope I make it there. So, I don't have much. I just figured I would stop by my own blog, and leave a message that I'm alive. Just super tired! I miss visiting my favorite blogs..Don, VP, Dreamy (although I heard that she dipped out on me) Mike, and Muze!!!

10.8.08

I'm watching the debate, and I noticed that McCain wobbles while he walks. According to semiotics they would say that there is a deeper meaning according to his wobbling. The deeper meaning I think is with McCain as a President would mean a wobbly next 4 years. Honestly I will not take it well if McCain wins the Presidency. That's all I can say..his ass is going to DIE and leave us with this stupid ass woman gosh-darnit..lol.. Bygolly, I don't think I can stomach such a spectacle. I am a registered voter, and I will vote OBAMA!!!

I have been gone for a long time, and I must say..I got 3 b's and 3'cs out of my 6 classes @ midterm. I am so excited, because I just knew for sure I had 2'fs.. I am so proud of myself. This means if I buckle down harder I can make the B's...A's...and the C's...B's.... My absence paid off..HA!

In other news I am also proud that is been a whole year since I was hospitalized. It's been a whole year since my therapist said that I had hit my bottom. I am so proud of myself that it's been a whole year since I've been committed to my meds. I'm so skinny that I don't even do a full dose of any med. When people imagine Bipolar they see extremely psychotic. With me it is extreme is depression. Like the commerical say's it hurts. I am extremely excited as of today that I am stably happy.
Thanks to YOU..for what you did. It was the best thing that YOU could have done for me..KNOW that...

I'm looking for a wig like Senator Palin, and I can't forget the glasses. So I can do a parody on youtube.I wouldn't be the first, but I'm light enough that I think I can pull it off. I would get a crack out of it if nothing else. She is so stupid! Not knowing any of the news papers that circulate throughout the US. She could have said the NY times, or the news paper in Alaska, but *you knew it was coming* bitch could even name one news paper. Dumb...then she said Brown vs Board of Education should be left up to the states. Dumb ass..that's the only Supreme Court case that she knew as a Senator. Brown vs. Education was the worst case that she could have called out. Bitch that means you want GA to reevaluate whether or not I should go to school with my counterparts, or whether or not my baby girl should be segregated when she starts Pre-K..Brown, black, or yellow skin deserves to be treated equally. Stupid white people came up with the opposite...Oppress yourself..Stupid..There are black people too who hate their own race, but they are a minority. I'm not speaking of them to make it clear. I'm talking about people who believe in white supremcy. You suck! GOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OBAMA!!! You sexy, intellectual, light skinned man you..

*************************************

I pay dues
I give Hip Hop honors
To Rap
Even though I was young
I was still one
Who did participate
In the cultural stabilization
In which we call HIP HOP
The true MOVEMENT
Of every oppressed
Black "man"
Which includes me
Most importantly...
.........A woman
Whose favorite word is...
BITCH

Who is an 80's baby
Who grew up in the 90's
The era of stretch pants
And Hammer
I remember doing the runnin man
And the cabbage patch
Attempting to do those moves
Were my first experiences
Learning how to dance

Salt and Pepper "Push It"
Was the first song
I memorized
I was 2
I remember jammin to Monie Love
Dancing in front of my grandmothers microwave
I could see my reflection
In Hip Hop at an early age
Which allows me to do what I do, today
I write what's in my heart
And never censor what I got to say

Just like Hip Hop
I can be remixed
But there is always an original
And I am it
Somewhat sensual
And always explicit

The only think I'm missing is a beat
And a hook
Put that together..
I'm a self made track
That ya'll always gotta rewind
That got ya'll wanting to come back
That got ya'll putting me on repeat
Even though I took time off
To collabrate
With life, and what it do
To feel the person
Who lies withing me and you
Do you feel me
Or am I chopped and screwed?

I love Hip Hop
Even though I feel women are...
Disrespected and depicted as over used
I still love the rhymes
And the beats
The overall feel
Because in all honestly
Until the world ends..there will always be
Bitches and Hoes
Just like TI told Oprah
You can't avoid what is
In the Fucked up world
I will end on that note
Because I done ran out of music
Don'tcha know..
Therefore, I done stopped..
But I will never be put on
MUTE

Update

Midterms are over. That's why I had to take a break. I got some of my grades back just a few minutes ago. So far out of my 6 classes I have 3 B's and one C. I was expecting that C to be a D, because the Professor is not impressed with my writing at all. So far I am pleased with myself. This is going to be a short one tonight. I just wanted to come back and give an update as to why I was absent. I've noticed that a lot of my fellow bloggers have also taken a break. I hope they decide to return. I've missed ya'll though. *the people who comment* Ya'll know who you are.

Anyway ya girl gotta go read for the class she has a C in...

I have not vanished. I will return shortly. This is not good-bye!

Ugly-Beautiful World

I see the beauty in anything
I follow my intuition
And it leads me to exactly
What I'm supposed to see
After, I get over the initial shock
There is a moment
where.i.feel.free

Free to know what really is
Free to validate my fears
Free to make the decisions that I make
Free to with both hands to cover my ears
Free to not listen to what anyone has to say
Free to throw up a bird

I see the ugliness of the world
It's uncovered to me daily
You better watch your back
I walk backwards through life
Carefully placing each step
Because 'you' may be playing with the enemy
Who's always smiling all in your face
While they plan...
Exactly where they're going to plant the knife
When they go for the kill
Which always misses by an inch or two
Because you're always ahead

The thing about enemies
Is that they are always revealed
And if you follow your heart
It will lead you to the truth
I try to balance out
The ugly-beautiful world
By staying true to my goT damn self
And always saying F you
I know what's in my heart
Because don't nobody mean me no good

There is a law of the Universe..Karma
Who doesn't leave me out of the mix
She has kicked my ass before
She's a chick so we are in no way friends
But she's done wonders for me
Because I repent
She's tied in with God
Who said we'll all do wrong
During this walk around
This ugly-beautiful life
That nobody but Jesus was perfect
So people kick the holier than thou act
To the curb
God let's Karma do the dirty work
While he tries to save our souls
And so do I

I won't swing a fist
Or utter a word verbally
But I'll write the shit out of
A bad situation
In the form of what I call a poem
That's how I move on
That's how I find forgiveness
For viewing some F*ed up shit
In this ugly-beautiful world

I have mental images
That will always be stored
Deeply embedded in my psyche
I am just happy
I have deep insight
So even if it's too bright
I can still see
The homeliest beauty
That lies within you and I
In this ugly-beautiful world