150th Post!! A celebration of me..the queen that causes other peoples jealousy

Now that I have “YOUR” attention..let’s get on with the show.

I know “Ya'll" are there watching…Hello!!

I can do this better in a poem.

Thank you
precious gem
for bringing all of “them” here
to mi casa
because you’ve just put me on the map
and I can’t begin
to thank you enough
for that

a production like no other
dealing with human emotion
you were the best producer
because you ran the show
so you thought..
but it back fired didn’t it?
the most you did was…
you pissed
a whole lot of people off
and you still didn’t get
“what women want”
and I get it..
because I DO
have everything you want
because, admit I do
or else you wouldn't
have behaved like a child
but that's what you do
you want to knock
me off of the top
and put me on the bottom
like you..
You want T..and you want Don?
or else you wouldn't
have figured that this would be fun...


…you think you are a gem
but you ain’t nothing
but a stone
I say that because
of what you did
you are typical
the one to “smile”/”comment”
in your face
you did exactly that
when you came into
my home and…
defaced it
you brought my child into this
when you know nothing
of how it really is
in Palmetto and Union City GA
Ms. Anonymous
ya’ll knew it was coming…
Bitch…
you are a want to be me
and of course..
Not!!!
because there is only one F.G.
since you always sniffing something
how does my shit smell
now that I’ve just shitted on you?
honestly…because I know you know
Ms.super nose..

and to your little friend
who added her two cents
and helped participate
in this little skit
you are fake too
here it comes again
Bitch..
you are not welcome here
not that you would want to be
because you are jealous…of me 2
admit it..set your self free
I call it how I see it
your name rhymes here
but I’m bigger than that
so they’ll have to fill in the blank

i couldn’t believe it
that it was ya’ll
two chicks that I don’t even know
ya’ll hope my life shatters
and it falls apart
but just watch…
because trust me
it won’t
even though you
will come quietly
I know you’ll be back
to watch me
my invisible audience
But trust me
I know you’ll see

sorry your little scheme
didn’t work
but I thank you for it
I’m not being sardonic now
if you wouldn’t have done this
then well…
I wouldn’t have become a star..
on blogger.com
and people would have
continued to be plastic
to the ones..
they claim to love
but secretly hate
and commit sins for
which is jealousy and envy
keep knock knock knocking
at the devils door

everything happens for a reason
and what a beautiful picture
that was created
when you scribbled upon us
b.k.a hated
this goes out to you..
Ms. and Ms. two faced
there is no blog beef here
I just say what I feel
and I already know
you ain’t gonna like it
cuz you don’t like me
but that’s cool..i found out your game
it took damn near too long
but it was worth it in the end
to find out what type of people
try to destroy lives
over the internet……

Expressions from *F* as my hair blows in the wind..

I can’t begin to express how I feel. That statement that begins this is scary, because never before have I felt like my words were gone. This whole ordeal turned out to be a positive thing because it gave me time to think..

I am..

23 about to be 24…

I am a mother..and a damn good one, because I CHOSE to bring her into this world.. I will never leave her behind. And where ever I go, she’ll be right there with me.

I may be categorized as “mentally ill” but I know I’m one of the elite. Because I take care of myself, and I know a healthy mind is a terrible thing to waste. I also know that some destined man one day will love me, and my crazy ass.

Picture this…

A woman..

take my face off of her body..

She sits in front of her tv. Wearing nothing but a bra and panties. He comes home to find her there in a pool of her own urine as she sat upon their white leather couch.This isn’t the first time, so he knows the routine. In his mind he knows, that her mind has vacated for awhile. She’ll be back. He knows this.

He gently grabs her hand, which is cold and shivering. He looks into her empty blue eyes, and feels no pity. For this is the love of his life, and he excepts the responsibility, to care for her..now and into eternity. He lifts her up, and carries her into the bathroom. Where he takes of her panties, and removes her bra. He sits her upon the toilet while he turns on the shower, steaming hot. Exactly how she likes it. She is starring @ the wall. He takes off his shoes. He removes his clothes. He climbs in first, then grabs her..and closes the curtain.

He bathes her. He washes her hair. He dry’s her off. Massages her with lotion, and dresses her for bed. Next, He gently and sloppily plants a pony tail at the top of her head.
He leads her to their bedroom, where he tucks her in. Takes her pill bottles out of his pocket, and distributes them into his hands. He suggests she eats a graham cracker so her stomach doesn’t get upset. She obliges, and takes it. She knows what’s next. She must swallow the medicine that will destroy her dreams of peace..

He stares @ her. She is still as can be..she is resting..sound asleep.

He loves her..with all of his heart.

Even though he wants children, living with out her wouldn’t be worth it.


Now back to reality *Me talking*

I know someone will love me, just like in the lyric above. I may be “mentally ill” but damnit why should that matter? But I already know anyone with any type of “disability” is looked at as less of a person. That’s cool, because trust me Bipolar is in..That means I’m in style.. ha! I am one of the great…and I know for a fact that all bitches except my dawgs are going to hate.. No though on a serious tip..If I fell in love with someone who was paraplegic and I got mad at him, what would I look like saying ha ha you can’t walk. Wouldn’t I be considered a bully and insecure with myself if I took his chair and hid it?
I have bipolar, but I’m an All-Star..

I will survive. This whole whatever just happened on blogger.com is funny to me. Trust is something that once it’s gone..it’s hard to get it back. I am the type of person though, shown through action..if I’m in the wrong, I bring it to the light. It makes my soul feel better more than it hurts to tell someone the real deal. I have a conscious, that’s why drama never was one of my friends. But karma is..but she’s a b!tch and we’re talking again.…..

I do not care..what people think of me. Just like then..in the cantankerous cold of Mich-I ain’t never going again* I will do me, and continue to watch the haters heads spin. I graduated with 55 people I believe. I was the non typical black girl..who for 6 years *2 including jr high..schools were combined* I was constantly tested on a daily basis. I would like to say looking back that is something that I am proud of. No matter how much shit they talked, or spread about me..I never fought back*Except once Tameka threw a gel pen at me and it cut my face,..It was over*lol..But really I never fed into their madness..I know that pissed them off more. I recall one incident on the bus. I was a senior on HS. The star of our girls bbteam..should have gone to the WNBA, but got pregnant @ 17 tried to fight me after a visit from a college. She talked about how she wanted to eat my face, up and how she was going to get me.

I stood up for myself that day. What made me spoke was her saying “I know what F be doing.” I spoke loud and clear. I remember what she said more than I do my reponse, but whatever it was it pissed her off. On the way back to the school she was in a rage, trying to get at me anyway she could. Of course I cried * a lot* but she never fought me, because I walked away. Jumped in my black 2-door Sunfire and drove away. In tears. I learned at an early age that black people especially the girls/women because I am one..are generally jealous, backstabbing, shit talking creators. I am the 3rd of my daddies girls..I was supposed to be a boy. That’s why I don’t have the bitch allele.

I will not let anyone hinder who I am..and who I am supposed to be in the end of this journey. Point blank. If I made it out of B.H. Mich. then I know I can make it anywhere.

I don’t need a man. To do shit for me, but help me make a baby. If he does so, that’s nice of him. I appreciate it. I would like to have a man..but need is totally different.

My cousins where I am from, most of them have baby daddies that aren’t worth a damn..and they still make it. In MI there are no jobs, and they still make it. My daddy paid child support, and you better believe when he came home from his house in Detroit, I was looking for his ass. And my daughter will be the same way. I will not take her or prevent her from seeing her father, because I know how strong and important that bond can be. I’m down here, and there is a plethora of opportunity. I will be blessed, and we will be fine.

I want to leave this place..blogger.com because it’s filled with cliques..and bitch shyt. It’s filled with betrayal and lies. I am free of this in my “reality life” except when it comes to..well..whatever. But if I have a choice, I choose not to deal with real life drama. My professor, said to me the other day in a phone conversation…He is a psychologist “Sometimes even when we know it’s best to let go of something that is hurting us, the human psyche won’t allow us to do it, even though we know it’s healthier”. My bones tell me that this is and unsafe environment.

I am sad that the person who first let me know someone was “listening” decided to leave the blog game. But I totally feel him..when your spirit is being disrupted. It’s time to go. My spirit has been disrupted for quite sometime now..and it’s time for me to go, in more ways than one.

And for the people who created all of this mess, going back emailing mis-information, my best friend karma will be paying you a visit. Not even so much the people involved in the “triangle”..the originators of this whole ordeal. You know who you are…

For now..this is me signing off..

*F*

Question?

Am I Beautiful or Sexy..or neither?

Because I thought they were one in the same..but men seem to think not.

Just me..telling about how im horny

I am horny
I need it
and I don’t ever
want to be raped
but I hope
someone would just
come and take it
because my hormones
are raging…

i have never reached
my sexual peek
hell I started early
a tender 16
I just played though
never really learning the game
now I want to be taught..

I have spring fever
but it’s about to be summer
and I want a man
who wants all of me
but now it’s spring
maybe I’ll settle for a fling

my mind needs to be fucked
that’s where it starts
if you can’t touch my brain
how do you expect me to return
the favor..
perform my Einstein?
I need conversation
that can get me moist
without the slightest touch

my ten are getting tired
and I’m bored
of the same ol’ touch
I want to feel the finger prints
of someone else…
if you are him..
speak up

No more babies for me..spoiled ones atleast

I think after today I’ve decided not to have anymore kids. I have been interviewing with this lady for about a month; I may become her nanny.*She hasn't decided whether she wants me or this other lady* Anyway today I kept her daughter, and my daughter. My daughter was jealous of the baby, and confused because she wanted to play with her. The lil girl is only 5mts, and she didn’t understand be gentle, and use your indoor voice. She wasn’t having it. Boy I am tired. This baby is spoiled. She has to see you at all times if she is sitting alone, which doesn’t really get to happen because she likes to be held. My kid was nothing like that. She did her own thing. I’m not used to babies that need attention every second of every hour. She is a lil chunky thing too, and I did yoga yesterday so my arms really hurt.

Then on my way back to her mom’s house we stop at Chic-Filet and I get a chicken sandwich and lemonade, and on my way into her mom’s house I put the lemonade in my purse. *Stupid* Because now my cell phone is ruined I bet. Oh well..I have the inkling to get mad, but I’m not..it’s just a phone. It’s just strange being w/ out it..

I’m cranky...veryy..

To Nafiza

One night, as my daughter slept and one of my favorite shows that isn't Greys Anatomy
was being ignored...Law and Order SVU. I was on my laptop google-ing "Bipolar" because I'm always interested in what is going on..new medications, news stories, ect. and I came upon your video. I watched it, and I choked. It was later confirmed by the Ryan Cameron interview with your boyfriend and sister that you have bipolar, and that you weren't on your medication. I knew it once the video was over. It hurt my feelings that no one helped you.*But you and I both know, that sometimes in those states it is hard to be helped, because "you" don't see anything wrong. I am from the ATL also, and just to let you know..you aren't the only one who "suffers" with this disease.

I say "suffer" because you don't have to "suffer" with bipolar. Unlike cancer, there is somewhat of a cure. Shawty, I know it is hard..but right now you have to open up, and swallow that shit. Opening up meaning: Searching deep with in to find out what makes you have mood swings. Searching deep and finding out what went wrong in your life, and how you can move past it.Finding the right therapist..I know it's expensive, but I know one of my professors who will do it for free.* He is a therapist/professor man* Finding people who understand..Maybe a support group. Psycho education *I hate that it's called psycho-ed* but it's nothing more than researching your "illness". It's going to be hard probably to find your "friends"..or who you think are your "friends"..around. Unless they truly care, they will vanish. *I have a few great friends* I love them. I am offering to be your friend, and help you through this.

Speaking of love, it is hard to find it in this world. It is often destroyed by words and actions that can never be forgiven or forgotten. It may be true that people will never forget you. But you have the final say in how they remember you. If I were you..I would come out with some type of statement..when you're ready whether it be youtube, or through a blog, news ect. I don't even know you my sistah, but I got mad love for you. I wish I could do math, because I would be a therapist..But since I'm not I'm willing to offer my support..and it's close..

Then you have to swallow your pills. If I never meet you, maybe some way you will read this letter, ask them to prescribe you Lamictal *seizure medicine/mood stabilizer* and Prozac/ or effexor. You need a mood stabilizer and depression meds to balance it out.They are the best, no real extreme side effects. And I know for a fact if the psychiatrist doesn't give a damn about you, they will give you the worst medication... Lithium, Risperdol,Depakote, Seroquel ect. So you have to find the right psychiatrist, and swallow the meds they prescribe. Til' this day I still don't want to believe that I have to take pills for the rest of my life, just to be normal,so I take it one day at a time. Enjoying the stability of my life when I take what's prescribed.

It's going to be okay. You will work through this..I've been video taped by someone who claimed they love me, and I broke their phone. Being taunted when you have to live with an illness that isn't shown any sympathy is hard to handle. People look at "us" like it's our faults. When in all actuality it's a combination of nature vs nuture. How the hell we grew up, and the genes we were given. Know that it's not your fault.I've had to learn not to let things get to me, to the point where I could be hospitilized/or in jail. You've probably done both recently, but you can bouce back. Know that. I know you're mad as hell. Probably at yourself, and probably at the world. There are people who support you...not only me.

I hope you take the chance to stand up and fight for "us". Don't let them think that's what we are all about. You are the poster child now for Bipolar. So if you want to, we should join up like super heroes and destroy the stigma.


I am here if you need me...

F G

badyellow@hotmail.com

Would leave my number but I'm afraid.

Reaching out to her

It is going to take a lot of work to help make the stigma of the mentally ill get better. I mean we are looked at as loose cannons waiting to explode. And sometimes our own family has intentions maybe of supporting us, but turn around and treat us the same way society does. If you saw me out on the street, you would have no idea that I have bipolar. Like I’ve said before, I don’t experience psychosis. Mainly just episodes that go from depression/ to mania where I may sleep too much, or not at all, and I also get really hyper. The only thing about that is that most of my cycles are rapid. Where one minute I’m happy, and the next I’m sad. But like I said if I didn’t tell you..you wouldn’t know. Because I keep everything inside.
I was just tipped off by some anonymous person that said they may know where to find Nafiza *the girl in the video*. I hope that they can help me so I can at least talk to her. I am going to take your advice Don and write her a letter, but I really want to meet with her in person. When my creator puts something on my heart, I can’t rest until I act on it.
I know Nafiza probably think the world hates her. She is a celebrity in her own rite now. Everyone knows about her, and most laugh at her story. I don’t see shyt funny because that could have been me. I know I hate taking my meds. I have to suck it up everyday and just swallow them. I think I’ve started and stopped my meds more than 10 times. Finally, I’ve been on them for a while, and boy do I feel much better. I’m off of the emotional rollercoaster, and I would love to help Nafiza get off of hers. Time is relevant, either it will happen or it won’t. But I hope it does..sooner than later.

Google sucks

I am a very caring and loving person. If it is in my power to help someone I do it. I am totally hurt behind this whole girl on the marta train thing. That episode has shaped everyone who saw the video opinion of people with mental illness. I want to reach out to her. After all she is from GA. Right here in Decatur where I work. With a little investigating I found out her name, and her moms name. *Got it from a news site in ATL*. So I tried to google her mother, to see if I could get a phone number..But nothing. I really want to try to reach this girl. I want to tell her that everything can be okay. I know the world has basically turned on her, and I’m sure she feels like she has no way out. I don’t know why but my creator is tugging heavy on my heart to try and reach out to her. I don’t know how to go about it though…But I hope that I do..Any suggestions?

Coming...

*****I know that I write more than probably anybody that I've seen on blogger.com. But I'm treating this as my notebook..and I would write like this..if it were it..




here I come again
gushy schmaltzy
all over my page
an explosion
a discharge of stress
I come over
and over again
leaving a stain
that is nothing but
a nut…
in text
saying what she’s got to say
I have no timing
sometimes I come fast
sometimes I come slow
but the only thing that matters
is that I must finish first
first before I forget
the most important
part of me
….my words

I speak them out loud
when I fuck..
my keyboard
or notebook..
My words reach
out and touch
my most sensitive parts
the deepest depth I can go
Inside….
my words make me shiver
my words get me high
then when it’s over
I want to roll over
and sleep
because writing is a release

All up in my Shyt!

People, People, People
Have stopped amazing me
People never learned to
Actually drive throughout life
They just hop behind the wheel
Without even acquiring
A learner’s permit
And start driving
Like they are drunk
Bobbing and weaving
Hoping to bump into
My vehicle
Pretending they don’t see me
But they do
I am in front of them
But they imagine me
In their rear view
So they speed ahead
And jump in my lane
And then I get pissed
Then I have something to say

I don’t dip
In other peoples business
Unless I’m welcome
Unless I was invited
But people these days
All up in other peoples
Kool-Aid
Without realizing
That it is bitter
Without realizing
There is no sugar
There is no additive
That people can give
When they are
Not welcome
Into other peoples
Business

Be patient baby

So I can’t force it. My “rhythm reflection” writing aka poetry. I don’t like it when this happens. In the past when it has, I go dormant for a long period of time. I am content. I have to be to be out in this world that doesn’t mean anyone any good. I am content knowing that one day I will be where I want to be. I will be where I am supposed to be. My grandma got married and pregnant @ 16. She didn’t graduate high school until she was in her 20’s. She had nothing growing up, and she made sure that I understood that patients is a virtue. She went to college and graduated I would say in her 30’s. My grandfather raised my mother in the beggining of her life, because she was working and living out of town to go to school. She was a social worker, and she was good at it.
I remember when I would be with her at her house, mainly at her kitchen table. *She would sit there and read*. That’s all she did was read. That’s where I get it from I assume. Anyway, she would tell me stories about how when she was little *she had numerous brothers and sisters* my great grandparents had nothing. It hurt her pride that when she had to go to school that she had to borrow crayons from other kids. You know that knot that you get in your throat when you hear something you don’t want to hear? Well her stories made me choke. Her antidotes always brought tears to my eyes. Her life wasn’t easy in the beginning. She had to struggle. She walked..and she walked everywhere she had to go, until her steps lead her to where she stood..until she died.
She made sure we had everything. She is the reason people call me spoiled. She is the reason I don’t believe in the word “no”. My grandfather died 4 yrs before I was born, so basically she held it down by herself. She was beautiful. Not just on the outside *because she was gorgeous and flyy. She could dress her behind off* I know I get that from her. She had a wonderful spirit. People gravitated to her. I see a lot of myself in what she was. She didn’t put up with nonsense. She was very intelligent, and made sure you knew it. She went to every continent except Antarctica and Asia. A well seasoned woman, and even though I haven’t traveled the world yet. I have the interest to because I want to walk in some of the places she did. She really didn’t have any female friends. When we went on our vacations she always had her male friends show us around. She warned me somewhat of the evilness that lies with in ourselves. *women* How jealousy and envy can ruin love, no matter how you cut it. She taught me not to trust too many people..even though I don’t think I really got that lesson until now.
I was just thinking of her a lot today because it seems like I won’t be graduating until I don’t know when. My tuition is due tomorrow, and I ain’t got it. I know it took her what seems like eternity to get to where she dreamed to be. But the point is..she got there. She was a real McCoy *you know the one’s from Tennessee*..and I have their blood..and they were no joke. So I will make it, no matter how long it takes. I am just going to enjoy the ride..praying not to get nauseous.

Yeah I got this one out in the end..

You held me first
You told me
I felt like warm clay
You washed my
Jet black hair
August 8th
12:00 pm..something
The day I was born

She didn’t touch me
Until after you did
Even though I hatched
From her egg
You were the first
To feel me breathe
And to hold my hand

As I grew older
I looked up to you
Understood the struggle
Didn’t understand how
You made it through
All of the pain
That life ached you with
Without popping pills
Because of being deemed insane
Without doing drugs
Without drinking a thing

Such a strong woman
I’m proud to have your genes
I wish you could be here
To see my baby
And not be buried
With her ultra sound pic
But she looks like you
Especially her hair
Straight like yours
And curly at the ends
But I know you are looking
Down on us
You were an angel on earth
But now you’ve got your wings
Willie Lee
Such a strong name
You were such a lady
Thanks for helping
To shape and mold me
Into the woman I am today
And for showing me………
That you really never
Stop growing
and for telling me
"Be patient baby"

Sleeppyyyyy..

So I’m trying to write myself to sleep
flood my blog
with all the words
I water it with
hoping it grows
before I decide to cut it down
recycling it back
and let someone else
claim poetry noir
on blogger.com

I wish I could rid myself
of all of the negativity
surrounding me
if it isn’t evil women
who deserve to be called bitches..
and they are not down one’s either
The bitches with the gene
it remains to be the same
that a man if he ever get’s in your pants
is no longer cool
if his hands aren’t allowed to explore
the privacy he thought he ruled

but when the rules to her house
have been disrespected
it is hard for her to open up
and let him in
once the doors have been closed
to him..
once he’s been banned from home
that’s it

he flips
he loses his mind
thinking possibly
that another man
will one day
explore her body
with his finger tips
and enter her
charted city
darting it w/ his graffiti
covering up what
art he left
scribbled upon her walls
failing to realize
she doesn’t want to see
him spraying new walls
but sometimes it is best
to change colors
to paint a prettier picture
but she won’t lose it
until she finds another painter
she has her 10 fingers..

A big ass pill to swallow

I hate swallowing pills. So yeah I’m up feeling terrible, and I’m done swallowing pills for the day. So that means I won’t be taking any cold medicine...my daughter is at a slumber party..and I’m home alone feeling anxious. I’m not used to sitting still that’s what it is. Especially at this time of night, on the weekends of course, so all I can do is write. I used to be addicted to my notebooks. But I really like to type everything now, because it’s faster and a whole lot neater. Plus I don’t have to hide them from unwanted viewers. People pick up my ish and then get mad when they don’t like what they see. I tell it how it is…even if I’m in the wrong..which leads me to something I’ve done wrong..a big pill I had to swallow..

My grandma’s only son, my uncle married my aunt. My aunt couldn’t have babies, or my uncle couldn’t, one of the two. So they decided to adopt a baby. I met her when I was probably 3. I held her..I actually remember the day I met her. I held her with a pillow behind my arm. I don’t forget much..Anyway, as I got older..*Not much older ppl* maybe 6 I found out she was adopted. And get this, she didn’t know that she was adopted. I was thinking at that age..okay why tell me this..Such an enormous secret for a child to keep to herself..and away from her cousin..

How it came out wasn’t in the best of circumstances. I remember being 12..and she was 9 and my uncle her daddy was dying of cancer. We were playing outside @ my house. Her parents, my mom and our grandma were there...and I don’t know how it came up..but I just blurted it out… “ You are adopted”….then of course me being a kid I tried to take it back with saying “I’m just playing”. I don’t remember if she ran in and told on me or what, but I know my mom said had to face my dying uncle in the face and tell him that I was sorry. Sorry for spilling a secret that I had no business in the first place knowing. Then I got my ass beat..all over that backyard on Columbus St. Wow….

Now as an adult I can’t imagine adopting a kid, and not telling it where it came from. And I couldn’t fathom telling some kid daughter, cousin, niece, or whatever that one of our family members is adopted..but shhh don’t tell them because they don’t know. That was a hard pill for me to swallow as a child..and I learned then that harboring secrets will kill you. I remember being around her for years..knowing something about herself that she had no idea. And back then I had no idea that she would ever know. At 12, I knew I did something very wrong, but in the same breath at least my uncle died knowing that he didn’t die lying to his daughter. He died knowing that she knew where she came from. I hate that I had to be the messenger, but they say everything happens for a reason.
When I saw her last she was in contact with her birth mother. She has a daughter now herself, so I know her mother’s are enjoying that baby in their lives.
I feel uncomfortable around my cousin now though. Mainly because we haven’t talked about how she felt about me breaking the news. I’m sure this conversation if it happens at all.. We will probably be in our 50’s or 60’s or something. But I hope we do have it. I know I hurt her, but I would love to tell her that I didn’t do it to be mean or spiteful, but because I felt she needed to be given a piece that was missing from herself. ****I want to send this to her..what do you think?*****

Doesn't she look happy?

The land of the ass and no face…

Me and I won’t mention who were talking about a situation that went down..that is really juicy, but I don’t really feel like going into it..because I don’t think it’s worth talking about. Anyway..it brought us to the subject of asses. I am a girl..and I know I am not gay, but sometimes if I see a nice ass I acknowledge it. Usually to myself, or if I’m w/ some of my guy friends I might point it out to them. Anyway me and 2 of my peeps were talking about ATL being the land of the ass, but no face. One of my peeps said that if a girl has a big ass, then her face is usually jacked. And if a girl has a pretty face, she usually doesn’t have an ass. I believe I fit into the second category. And I can’t help but agree with her. I used to have an ass..and a face. Wheew back in the day of E.C. and the freshman 15..boy was I thick..and I was loving it..Until I noticed one day sitting on my bed in boy shorts @ my apartment in MI that my ass was sitting behind me. Of course I made some life style changes, and got skinny again. Then I got pregnant, ate sloppy joe’s and tacos..and anything involving ground beef..and got fat again. Then I breastfed..and got skinny again..and I believe this is where I will remain for a long time..because no matter how many carbs I eat..I can’t get the scale to say more than 112..and this is for 3 years now. Boy..anyway..so in the land of big ass, no face..I will be satisfied until I can be a face/w an ass..lol We call it Nasatal..No ass at all..lol

I am restless
and young
everyone here
on blogger.com
is a star..
in their very own
soap opera
and it is my Dynasty
to write
the stories
which I call my life
but am I willing
to show them
to a world that is dim
when I’m looking
for the guiding light
and I’ve only got one life to life
and I don’t want to end up
in general hospital
fighting for my life
because I wasn’t smart enough
to stop it..
but I am..I know when to stop jogging
and slow down..
and begin walking

And when..
Passions fill the room
often when I enter
men stare
because they want
all my children
to be theirs
because I’m a bad bitch
a brown young Erica Cane
Gotta up my skills though
because she doesn’t care
who she claims
she believes love is a game
F’s brothers fathers and uncles
if they’ve got more than change
they can take her to bed
and they’ll be screaming her name
from Pinevalley to Dallas
everybody knows Erica Cane
and pretty soon
They’ll know my name



Yeah I was bored..and I just typed and this is where this lead me..

Miffed

I am miffed right now…by many many things. And yeah I’m back.. For now atleast.

*I love sushi..I will eat it 7 days a week for every meal if I could. I love it so much. So anyway I found out that Kroger makes sushi fresh everyday. So I got off work yesterday early. It was a nice ending to an okay day. It was teacher appreciation day and some of the parents brought food. When I walked into the teachers lounge yesterday I did this little jump because I love to eat. They all say I have a tape worm because every time they see me I am shoving some food into my mouth. So anyway I didn’t go to the Kroger by my job because I wanted to get back over to the side of town where I live, so I could flat iron my hair. *I was looking a hott mess** Anyway to make a long story short, I went to the Kroger by my house. And darnit..there was no fresh sushi. Then it dawned on me that I live in a predominately well behaved chocolate city, and work in a mixed area.. And of course we all know black people don’t eat sushi. *Yes we do people..me and my friends are proof* I was pissed off because…well I’m sure you know why…
** Then yesterday I go to get my nails done after I found out that Kroger didn’t have any freakin sushi..and the guy who has been doing my nails for 4 years..since I’ve been down here..wasn’t there. And the other people in there are not allowed to touch me. They have been known to mess some stuff up. This one lady one time waxed my eyebrows and then put alcohol on them AFTER she waxed them..which left me w/ two big ass burns above my eye..I was pissed..but I didn’t hurt her…. I was in need of an eyebrow arch but ming-lee was not about to touch me. That’s her name forreal.. The girl who normally does my pedicures and eyebrow arch was there last night..I found out today. O well.
*** Then I had to drive all they way out to no mans land to this lady I met on a photo shoot who is a make up artist so she could hook my brows up. Driving annoys me. Then once I get there..Her three mannish boys kept saying how much they loved me and wanted to marry me. I thought it was cute at first, but it got to be too much when she had to yell at them while using a razor on my face..
**** After that I start to get dressed to go out and I my throat starts to tingle..and then it begins to hurt. I had to pin point which one gave it to me..Ta Dah! I know who it was..Samantha..yellow bouncing ball..she couldn’t have it @ school..so I took it..put it in my pocket..took it out and was playing catch by myself while conversing with the other teachers at recess..she has a terrible cough…she is the culprit. I will make sure I let her 3 year old self that she got Ms. F sick..Now I’m in bed feeling like I’m coming down with a fever.
******Then I go to the park where I want my daughter to have her party..and there is no picnic tables there..only grills. So now I have to figure out how I’m going to get maybe 2 tables and I don’t know how many chairs to the area I need them @..
****Okay and what is the Governor of Ga Mr. Sonny thinking!! Passing a bill that allows people to carry concealed weapons..ANYWHERE!!
********Then I don’t want they guy who helped me make her to come to the party. I don’t want any drama. And Lord knows that if I am alone with the people at the party..there will be none. I feel that she needs to enjoy her party without worrying that her parents are going to fight…I’m not doing this to be mean or spiteful..I just want to have a peaceful party. We will celebrate with him..probably on the day of her birthday.
************This is for later on because I know he will have soooo much junk to say about the comment above.
**************I am also miffed that a certain someone who knows who they are..can be so malicious and say certain things just because they are hurting…and then expect me to be okay with it. My dad was the same way. He would cuss my mother out..bring up old stuff from the past..call her a whore..bitch..this and that..Throw her out of the house..and then expect her to take him back. Of course she did more than once..but I remember I think I must have been in 1st grade when they finally split. Wheew.. I will not put my daughter through that. It is not right.
*****And that brings me to..I’m miffed that I found myself in the same type of relationship that my mother and father had. My mother was a young buck..and my daddy had numerous years on my mother..and of course he was a control freak..and freaked out when he found out he couldn’t control her. But my mother was strong..and with the help that he gave I believe I turned out to be a well rounded young lady. With the example of how to move on…
***********And lastly..I am miffed because I just forgot what I was about to say..Oh yeah..I am miffed because I really want to delete my blog here. Because everywhere I go I see him. And I really don’t think being involved in this whole blogger life is good for me..when negativity is the paint that is used against my canvas. But a few people have said encouraging words..Ya’ll know who you are..and I appreciate it..I really do. They believe I have something powerful to say..so for right now..as of today..I am still here.

Last One...It's hard to say goodbye..forever blog

one step at a time jones
all any one can do
dont be so hard on yo self
be optimisatic
May 9, 2008 11:37
And this is what he says..But the he throws it back in my face. I don’t get it. You don’t love me. So just like I’ve been doing, I’m staying away. I will NEVER AGAIN read your blog. Mark my word. I cross my heart, and hope to die..because just like always, you tried to get me to get upset tonight…and got more aggravated when I didn’t. You always yell… It’s a shame, that things aren’t going your way. That you aren’t stable enough to act like you’ve got some damn sense. That’s why one day my perfect dick..will fit perfectly…and I’ll probably even suck it…until he cums. Because you don’t deserve me, because respect for me..you have none. And here comes a cliché.. what they say..you never miss what you got till it’s gone. And I dipped so long ago..giving you time to fix what you got wrong. But it’s like you never learn. You just keep on doing the same shit..even though you know that you’re wrong. Oh well..I pray..and my spiritual guide *God* has me..and there is nothing you can do to hinder me from getting to where he wants me to be..

Haunted

I will put my life
above my child
but she is my life
she’s my entire world
I will live my life
so I won’t place blame on her
because she isn’t a reason
for me to stop living
and she’ll be right there
next to me
both of us…
smiling

I have nothing now
just like he said
take it all bitch
one of my favorite lines
from my favorite movie
“Center Stage”

I have nothing
just like he said
but I have her
the only thing worth keeping
that you gave
because you can take it all
what ever you think you gave
because you are controlling
and if I don’t have shit of yours
you ain’t got shit to say

The babysitter
told me
she said nothing of the sort
about me cussing in front of her
So who's the liar now?
because cussing it’s something
I don’t try to do
some times it may slip…but nothing like this…

I held her in my arms tonight
while you screamed
“You should FUCK me”
but I won’t TOUCH you
because you are tainted
with something…yuck

so what I tried to kill myself
Evilness prompted you
to bring that up..right?
I was trying to escape that hell
that I felt
when I slept next to you
because your spirit is ugly
it’s darkness
and it’s consumed you
and if I stuck around
it was gonna get me too.

So what I have bipolar
Ya’ll check his comments
he claims to be supportive
such a contradiction
how can you explain
turning it around
and tossing in my face
my condition
when most likely
you are suffering from something
and you are just in denial
and that’s crazier
than anything
I’ve got going on

Yes I planted myself
in the middle of the road
about 2 years ago
when I believed
with you I was stuck
and I had nowhere to go
I wanted a truck or car
to strike me
right in your front yard
and leave you in your tears
as you cleaned up my blood
and gathered my body parts
and collected my guts
but why tonight
would you bring that up
to hurt me huh

So what if tonight
I decided to take my life?
How would you feel
if I wrote an elaborate note
detailing how I would come back
and haunt your house
and how you drove me to this point
by trying to Britney Spears me
trying to take custody
of something I gave birth to
when all you did was fertilize the seed
Think about that
because if I’m so crazy

I may just leave you in this world alone
this cold cantankerous world
like a never ending timeout
for adults
you will have to think about
what you did
and what you could have said
or done
just to prevent
what you caused to happen
except it or not
because like I said a couple
of lines up
my memory
I know…it will haunt

......

Yet again I always surprise myself. I was looking at another revised schedule for the project I’m involved in next month where I get to play a 17 year old girl who does major drugs, falls in love with this boy that she goes to school with in rehab, and then kills herself. She comes back in flashbacks…You gotta see the movie to know what happens in the flashbacks. It’s funny that I’m about to be 24 and people tell me all of the time especially if I’m in like jeans, a tee and flip flops that I look like a teenager. I guess it’s just my baby face. lol
Anyway “Boys of the Wrecking Crew” is wrecking my plans for my daughter’s birthday. Her birthday is the 7th of June, and on that Saturday I am shooting. I am annoyed, because I had my heart set on having her party on her birthday. Oh well I suppose, but it’s going to be hard for me being away from her on her b-day. I emailed my homie ex-critical thinking professor, and told him her birthday is blah blah blah..And he sent one back saying that part of the schedule hasn’t changed. Right there is how I surprised myself because I had been looking at the schedule the whole time, and that date went right over my head.
And then me being an actress. Ha! I laugh at that because acting is something I never wanted to do. All of these other people in the movie really have dreams of making it in Hollywood. I have the largest girl role, and I hope I can pull it off because he’s put a lot of money into it. I don’t want to ruin it for him. I am the opening scene. Plus I’m sure some of the other aspiring actresses would love to play Leah. I can’t say that I would have a problem with giving it to one of them. I think the problem would be that B my prof. would be upset with me. I didn’t even have to audition for the part like the other actors/actresses had to. He claimed that it was my charisma and outgoing personality that he saw in class was what told him I was right for the part. I admit I have a very outgoing personality, and can be quite goofy but the scary part is doesn’t know how bad I might be. The movie doesn’t have many girls in it anyway it is called “The Boys of the Wrecking Crew”. So I have to represent.
Speaking of representing I think I half-way know my lines. The ones I know I think I sound stupid saying them. Then I’m the only “brown” person there. That used to be a normal thing for me (Me being the only brown girl in my dance classes) (Me being the only brown one out of my group of friends in MI). Not anymore…The A is chocolate city. Yum! My college campus I would say is predominately A.A. We always outnumber other races in our classes. I have one white girl friend now who I am really close to that I go to school with now, when I am used to having many. Anyway, I just feel extremely out of place, and usually when I have that feeling, I usually am out of place. Then fear comes in. I try to drill it into my soul that I should not fear anything except *God*, but fear is my worst enemy which brings me to…

A beast
the devil sent you
to come and destroy
the young, the old
the already stone hearted
and those who
could be fooled easily
into acquiescent cold
cantankerous fear
sets in deeply
and once its there
dun dun dun
it never disappears
unless you’re the one
holding on
and afraid to let go
because it is a brute
it’ll choke the shit out of you
leave what you call your life
fucked up…you lose
because trepidation is a killer
that is serial
and has to be caught
you can’t run away and fall
run carefully
because if you trip
what happens in the movies
dun dun dun
you die
and that’s exactly what happens
when you let fear set in
you lose
and the devil wins…….

Now if only
I could take
my own advice
To go to fear rehab
and detoxify fear
from my life
I might have
a fighting chance
at achieving my dreams
because fear ain’t gonna
get me nowhere
only leaving me to
silently scream….
at what I let go
my dreams will fade
into the air like smoke
because thought I was too weak
to shake fears hold…