So..The first day after a "tragedy" is always a test for me.

My mind races...thoughts go a mile a minute. Most not pleasant.

I hardly ever cry...unless the shit hits the fan..

I did a lot of that on Friday..

Then I talked to a couple of my "friends"..

One of my girls who I've known since I moved down here told me "Losing a job ain't shit. I got fired from almost every job that I've had". Then she went down the list of what jobs and why. She is too funny, so all I could do was listen and picture her in the moment of being terminated. I felt like I had company.

Then one of my guy friends texted me this morning..I told him I got fired..and he texted back "Why is it so hard for you to keep a job?... I texted back "??"..I wasn't able to go back to sleep. This was @ 7:00 am. I know..I know..ya'll are thinking I let ppl get to me. Well at least I realize that..and I can work on it. But more than him getting to me. I realized that what he said is the truth.

Nonetheless, I have been sending my resume out...we'll see what happens.

On the day that I got fired. I was listening to a radio station down here, and they were talking about losing their job. All of them agreed that if they lost their job today, that they would be fine because they still had their family. Bull shit I say..because if you don't have a job..how can you take care of your family. With the economy being a piece of shit now..it is harder now to find a job. A good paying job. I know I have a requirement, and I will not work for less than I know I deserve. I will be miserable, and it will show in my job performance. Again..I realize this..therefore I can POSSIBLY control it. I worked as a hotel desk clerk for a lil while last summer, and the maids got paid less than us. Reminder me of house ni***** and field n******..yep..

Speaking of control..that is the hardest part for me. Seems as if I have little to none...Impulsitivity..used to be fun when I was younger. Even though back then it got me into worlds of trouble..but I was a kid, and I thought I would grow out of it. For the most part, I don't see myself wilding out like I did when I was a teenage..but I must say I do some stupid shit..Like not following my intuition. My intuition told me on that day..don't use the phone.....BUT I DID..and I always get slapped when I don't listen.

So I leave you with this..ppl listen to the vibrations that you get from the world around you..

Fired on Friday..

I got fired today..

How about this..I had a dream about this last week..

So there will be no need for that parent teacher conference ya'll suggested..

Yesterday, I stormed into the office telling them that I needed to leave so I could go to my financial aid office at school. They said I couldn't leave, but I could leave after the field trip today..

We aren't supposed to be on our phones.. I'll admit I've been caught before..so honestly it is no surprise that I got fired.

I was using my phone while taking the kids outside. I was trying to get everything straightened out with school. *Which I also am probably not going to school because my grant won't be ready until after school starts. So unless I can pay out of pocket, and then get reinbursted* So no school no job..I'm pretty much..not shit..

I guess someone told, or they saw me on the phone..

They said that this was hard for them..because I am so good with the kids..

And that I could reapply in a couple of months and they would reconsider..

I am devistated none the less, because I actually liked my job. Yet, I'm not suprised that I got fired, because I believe I've gotten fired from almost every job I had.

There is something wrong with me..Well duh obviously...I'm starting to wonder if I will ever have a normal life. You know one that I can sustain ya know like a job..

I either say or do something stupid and then I go flying out of the door.

I am going to miss my babies more than anything. I couldn't even say goodbye cuz I didn't want to show my emotions and cry. I barely walked out of there without ballin' but I made it out of the door, and into my car before my eyes started to thunder storm.

So right now...

I don't know how to feel..or what to do..

I have my baby girl to take care of.. and nothing to take care of her with..

Everything happens for a reason right?

I wonder what the reason is this time?

My birthday is 2 weeks away..

I wonder if I'll make it to see it.. cuz honestly I never thought I would..

08.08.08

Maybe it's a sign..

Race

I'm back... a lil wide eyed today..

I got some rest last night...So much I had the urge to call in today..

But I didn't...

And of course...my day gives me something to blog about...

Interracial relationships...First off I would like to say that the part of the CNN documentary "Black in America" or whatever it was called..*I have been hearing a lot of negative comments about it* was the part focused on interracial relationships..

The woman they had one there..black and was married to a white man. They had to beautiful biracial children. The wife said that his family had made remarks about how they couldn't believe that he had black children. The husband said that the family deeply regrets those comments.

I'm sure there is a lot of uneasiness when they have family gatherings..

Being racist is taught..

It starts from home..

You know how you always walk up on stuff exactly at the moment that you need to?..

Well today I was going to get milk out of our fridge in the classroom..and the lil vanilla girl said "White people go first, and black people go last"...

@ the table there were two white kids and two black kids..

I couldn't believe my ears..

I said "What did you say?" She looked surprised..

She said that she didn't know.

I asked the other kids what she said..and of course they told me..

I was speechless..

Usually I would issue a timeout or something..

But all I could do was walk away and shake my head... glad that lil chick that made the comment goes home @ 3.

Tomorrow I am going to talk to her...

So..I get home..and my bff..*K* who lives in MI..Who I miss very much called me.

To get to the nitty gritty...

She is Korean..her man is white..

She was adopted by two white people..so she basically is white..

She said " I have never had anyone point my race out like this before"

Her boyfriends sister apparently has add and is bipolar *She doesn't know about me by the way* so she is just going on about this and that.. How she beats her mom. She doesn't handle social situations well because she blurts out information that no one wants to hear like "I am so horny I haven't had sex in forrrever"..*K* told me this..She apparently pushes everyone away...

The sister is 16. The youngest out of her brothers and sisters.

And apparently she likes to point out the fact that *K* is Asian.

She always calls her "Hey asian".. or one time she was reading a book, and the sister said "I didn't know Asians read"..WTF..

So I decide while talking to *K* to go to lil sis's myspace..I couldn't cuz it's blocked..

I signed in under *K* and I saw it.. She is a cute lil girl. But she is very disrespectful. She has captions under *K*'s pictures like "Another Asian :)".. And "Gay, she's Asian"..What the hell..

And her brother *K*'s boyfriend didn't do much about the situation.

His reaction was we all make fun of you..a lil bit.. Hell no..

I have had my share of interracial relationships..

And a share of them..their families weren't too thrilled that I was "colored'..

I loved some vanilla..but one thing that I realized that we would always have to deal with race issues.
I always felt self conscious in the presence of their families.

So if this would have happened to me..

It would have went something like this...

Sister: "Hey Nigger"

Me: First off all depending on the emotion I pick..

I could cry.. I could punch her in the face..I could walk away..

But I know one thing..if my man didn't stand up for me and say that is in no way tolerated..then I would bounce..hurt feelings and all..

Because race is something that people cannot change...


From what she has been telling me..It sounds like she is not happy. I think they've been together for four years..and of course love tends to fizzle..and people stay because they are comfortable, and afraid to try anything new. Afraid of the void that they will feel without that person. So I told her not to settle just because she has been there so long. She wants to get married, but I don't know if it's just for the sake of saying that shes married. She had this time limit thing..well the time has gone and past..He didn't ask her yet.. I told her that she needs to check the race issue with his family, or that she would be hurting forever..


That's it..

Thanks ya'll for checking on me..

Hope ya'll have a happy Friday...

I have lots of stuff to say...

But I am so tired..

That I cannot formulate thoughts that I want to share..

I have 3 drafts saved..but I'm not pleased..

I usually just write..then post..

But tonight..I feel blah..

So sorry..those of ya'll who do stop by...

My daily conclusion..

I have come to the conclusion..

That little boys..

ARE BAD AS HELL..

I mean are the little suckers born with horns or something??

My goodness..

The boys @ the school are the ones always fighting..and throwing wood chips..pushing people off of the swings..PEEING AND NUMBER 2-ING ON THEMSELVES...

One of the directors son..who is 4 flipped over a table because he was mad at the science teacher..

Then get this..all of the "disobedient" kids are in one classroom. Talk about stress..

When I get to work this morning, early I go into the "bad ass kids classroom"...

We go outside to let them play..

The lil dude* who isn't in the bad kids class, but needs to be* who is ALWAYS crying because he wants his mom..at inappropriate times..

Busted out crying when I spoke to him this morning..

It was so funny..me and the other teachers let out a giggle..

I have no sympathy for him..I am sorry.. I'm guessing he knows that I don't like him.. and I don't not like too many kids..but I have my list at that school..and when they fall or hurt themselves..I do not rush to do anything..unless their eyeball is hanging out..I've seen shelves fall on the bad asses because they decided to pull it down on themselves..I've seen a bad ass fall off of the stairs because he didn't want to listen to his mom..all I could do was giggle to myself..and say that's what you get!

But let something happen to one of my babies..the ones that I love..I'm right there!

Am I wrong? If so....Too bad..

Anyway that was the punch line of my day..

**************************************************************

Okay so the best post of the day..is mikes..about the haters..I couldn't have said it better..

*****************************************************************************

Silence in my world
Is just how I like it
Almost like I'm deaf
Only without the
.......Sign Language

Voices that invade my space
Who blow hot air
From the pit of despair
Are just wasting time
Because I'm not listening
and I quite frankly
I don't care

Because just like
If I was deaf
You would learn
My language
I wouldn't read lips
So I'm not hearing you
Talk shit

Random..and a Poem..

Okay..

So it is so hot..That I have an attitude.

Mad about recess.

Mad about the outdoor smell that lingers until you take a shower..

Mad about the sticky feeling...

Anyway..So I was a bit grumpy today..

Nap time: went terrible..because this lil dude who is a cry baby kept waking everybody up with his crying. I can't take crying man..Especially if it's for no reason. I have no sympathy for that bull shit. Suck it up..and lay on that mat..damnit... is what I'm thinking. Instead I give him dirty looks and basically ignore him.. trying to tune out his cry..Which is so annoying. It's the ugliest cry I've heard. Pray for me ya'll..cuz this kid has been crying for 4 weeks straight..ARRGH! And nobody wants to trade him out.. :(


So while trying to ignore the cry baby..I braided my students hair..Had to flat iron it first cuz her hair draws up into the nappiest afro. It's pretty long once I put that heat to it...She put up a bit of a fuss..she kept moving her head which made the parts come out crooked..which meant I had to start over... and over again.

Finally got it done.. around 3:30... she has a cornrowed Mohawk!

Then after work..

I had to buy some type of groceries..And I was tired..so tired..I decided to stop at a store by my sitters house..She told me to go to Aldi..or however you spell that shit..I know I won't be going back.. Bootleg store..

Sure... there milk is 2.99 but I had to pay a quarter to get a shopping cart..

Then they don't have any bags..you have to buy them.. Then they had 2 cashiers..with 38 people in line..lol..

The people in the parking lot..looked at me cross when I didn't push the damn cart back to the front of the store..Usually I do put it in the cart thing-a-migy, but I already had an attitude about the .25. So somebody got a free cart thanks to me.

To top it off I didn't put enough water in my rice..so it was crunchy a lil bit.. I hate when that happens.. :(
My curry chicken wasn't quite right.. Can't have chicken w/ out the rice..so nonetheless I'm hungry as we speak..
*************************************************************************************************

People these days
Men and Women
Are dreaming up
Somethings..
That they never imagined
But could believe it
Once it was done

Spectrum's in the sky
Leads me to believe
In you, more than I
I believe that
You..are traveling
At the speed of light
On some other shit
Like Jeezy
You're light years away
Way out of reach
But my belief
In you
Will not get me far..
So I will take it
How it comes
I don't ever want to
Stop gazing @ the stars..

Yeah..titles are stupid..so I get little..

I can..
Admit I was wrong
Before in life
That I am a sinner
Just like everyone else
But I can forgive
What about other folks?
They get little
And dip out..

I Repent..
I don't believe, to one Man
But to my Creator
Who created us
Not in vain..

I believe that "it" forgives me
So I could care less..
ABOUT ANYONE ELSE!!
I can admit to being normal
To having suicidal thoughts
Before in life..
To not being right
But I wasn't wrong
For asking for help
Now I've got it under control
Can't nobody tell me shit
So don't even think..
To part your lips..
Until you got a plan
To your great escape..
From this life
That reeks
Of bull shit

Love makes people
Homicidal
Because of the feelings
Tied within
If it doesn't work out
The person who is in love
The most...
Well, their head spins..
And if they aren't weak hearted
Well then they except it..
Just like nappy hair
That somehow got parted..

For example:
Look at OJ and Nicole
He killed her
CUZ SHE MOVED ON
He couldn't take it
And look what happened..
In a life that is
In NO WAY right
He stabbed her an Ron Goldman
One summer night
When I was in
About the 5th grade
I was with my mom's best friend
Michelle..in Kzoo..watching the news
She told me then..
A scorned man..
Will most definitely
Try to deal you a hand
That is in no way..kind
She told me to always be
One step ahead..

I have been UNHAPPY
To the point..
Where I thought
I wouldn't return
I didn't have ANYTHING for myself
But her..
So my soul burned
In turmoil

Then I gathered
All of the pieces of me
No longer discombobulated
I've got it together..
I am cold..
Better grab a sweater..

Prayed to my creator..
No longer..
Can I be a hater..
I will get little

Before
I
Let
That
Happen


***********************************************************************************************

I'm a hustler right.

I braid hair..

Learned from a chick that I went to HS with..

Anyway..So this lil chick @ the school I teach at..well her hair is always looking a hot mess.

Her mom works for the CDC..and is always gone..

My poor baby is raising herself..

She is attached to me now..

I mean she will cry and pitch a fit if she isn't with me..@ school..

I have to admit..she has a chunk of my heart..

So I've braided her hair once *one other teacher used to do it* before she quit..

So...I needed to take the braids I did down..

She cried..and stomped her feet.while I was trying to watch Hannah Montana...

Her mom was telling her she was going to get a consequence if she didn't straighten up..

To make a long story short..

I took all of the braids out.. which took 3 plus hours.. the texture of the hair does matter..

And left.. to go pick up my baby girl..


Her mom is going to wash it..and hopefully tomorrow..while my nappers are sleeping..I can do it...

With out any problem I hope..

Anyway..

I'm sleepy..extremely..since last night..or yesterday I went to bed @ almost 7 am..

So I'll holla..

..................

It is 6:04 am..and I'm awake!! Amazingly. Usually I pass out around 11ish. My cousin Nikia texted me earlier to see what I was up to. I had an headache earlier..and slept the whole day after cleaning up. Baby girl was with her father. I went and picked her up this morning though after we went out. She came over..flat ironed her hair..we got dressed...and off we went. I haven't gone out all summer! And I don't miss it. Unless I'm making money. I done grew up!!


Then I think...

..if I don't go out..how am I suppose to find someone to fall in love w/..or to fall in love w/me..how ever it works..

Where do I find love.. Publics?

But I don't care..men are trouble.would rather do w/ out right now..

Boy..We went to the Under Ground. Since Buckhead closed it's doors to the clubs, Kenny's Alley is the spot for all of "us" to party!!! Yeah right..I don't like it. Anyway we went to my old job where I previously cocktailed..to see my play cousin Keisha who is a bartender *who I went to Daytona w/*. Anyway talk about hood. That's why I had to stop working there..because I wasn't making any money. But I had fun though!

I looked cute. I wore a fitted dress..w/ lots of colors....that I can describe..but it was hott! Will have pictures once they post them! **I saw my boy Marius..who I lost touch w/ since the lemonade ruining my phone..but he's like one of the picture guys at the club..so he clicked..clicked us a lot!** I danced..and my hair started to curl up..so I had to sit it down..

When...

I spilled a drink on my old VIP manager..who looks like Maia Campbell. Absolutely beautiful..but sometimes her attitude isn't cute. She likes to mess with ppl's money. Including mine..I felt bad..but then I thought about it later....my bad..It only got on her jeans anyway..Get em dry cleaned..

Then I spilled a drink on my cousin...lol...so I didn't get to drink at all really cuz I was spilling it all over the place!! I had to drive anyway!!

So now we are sitting here..She is on the other couch. I am typing away. We are silent. It's cool when you can be around a person, and dip into your own world..and them be cool w/ it.

I haven't stayed up this long for leisure in a long time. Probably since my early college years back in K-zoo..Me and snook..*my boy wil who was welcome on venus* just cool..we both liked the color purple. He used to spend the night on my couch..after we both passed out from laughing all night. He was a cool dude who respected me. He never tried anything..after he asked for my phone number..and I told him I wasn't looking for a man..Just a big brotha..he said Okay..and he found me on facebook about three weeks ago..

Yeah I'm tired...cuz I have no idea if this even makes sense...

So I'm going to bed..

And tune in later for regular schedule programing..


Smooches***

Me!!

a poem for my future memory

If only for one moment in time
If your heart could beat
Right next to mine
You will be the most
Revisited memory
...of my life

My dreams..
Are as close
As I've got
To being able to hear
Your heart
.......tick tock
I have no idea
Where you are
But I wish upon you
At night..
On every star..
That I can count
....That you can't
Possibly..
Be so far out of reach
That we won't be
Able to create..
The most revisited..
Memory of my life..

Just like a dream
That lingers on
Long after it's over
You will be
My
Most
Revisited
Memory
Of
My
Life

Music W. Out A Beat

My poetry is like music
Except I don't have cadence
But ya'll listen to my heart
Never the getting
The same beat
But I got ya'll groovin'
To my shit
.........Do ya feel me?

I was just thinkin'
How an ugly bitch
Can be conceited?
Remy Ma..
Honestly ain't that hot
But she's convinced of it
On that track
I'm just sayin'
WTF

And when it comes to me
I make men catch whiplash
While driving..
Or walking in the mall.
They take double takes
And be starring me down
I've been called a stack
So who is a dime?!

I've had it like that..
For a while..
Constant attention..
Since I was a small child
When I was 12 this man
Told me he would drink
My bath water
I thought he was nasty
Wanting to drink...dirt
He tried to make me
A woman..when I was still
A little girl
He was a bum
And I told my daddy
Who stood up for me...
Use your imagination..
To see what was done..

But I knew it then
Kitty Kat had power over men
My friends @ 12..
Were already giving head
Turned out..
Trying to convince me
To let so and so
Put it in my mouth
I wasn't having it..
I couldn't imagine
Who I would be
If I would have given
My virginity up @ 12 or 13..

My poetry is
The soundtrack of my life
It can't be burned
So don't bootleg my shit
I am one of the realest
That you will ever read..

I am beautiful...I suppose
But I am not conceited
When it comes to my poetry
I'M IZ!
Cuz'
My poetry is sooo damn pretty
I write through my eyes
I try to make ya'll see it
So turn me up loud
So I can hurt your ears!!

I remember when*

Okay.. A lot of ya'll..*my blogger homies* have like a weekly segment or you know something that they write about in a consistent matter...

So I have one too..

It's called I remember when...

I remember when I was in kindergarten my mom bought me my first dog. I named her after Dorthy's dog on the Wizard of Oz..Toe-Toe..I don't know if that's how its spelled..but she was so cute..I remember that day we fed her oat meal at my grandmas house. My mom didn't bring any dog food apparently..and me and my cousin admired her. I would wake up in the middle of the night to hold her and rock her..Until she got too big and my mom put her outside..I eventually got disinterested. One time she had worms..It grossed me out..and things were never the same between us.

I remember when..I was at the park across the street from my house..Must have been a year later..they used to give free lunches and snacks in the summer time. So I was there chillin.. So my mom told my best friend at the time Damita to go get me and bring me home. Man..she broke my heart that day..Told me she gave my dog to the pound..I remember sitting under our phone that hung on our wall in the kitchen, on a stool..crying my little heart out.. I first experience loss then..

I remember when.. I fell out of the tree in my back yard when I was probably 7..See I thought I was the next Dominque Dawes..So I was doing what I called gymnastics..and Bam!!! The branch broke! My body succumbed to gravity..and I hit the ground.Hard!! Mouth all bloody..Sprained arm..I got messed up..But that didn't stop me. I still climbed that tree..Until I got old enough not to really play outside..you know I grew up..and we played double dutch..

I remember when I couldn't dance..I mean I was in ballet since I was 2 1/2..and I could do perfect pirouettes @ 4..and could tap my ass off @ 6..but when it came to dancin' like my cousins did..and everyone in my neighborhood. Hence my nick name "White Girl".. I was lost! I remember my mama calling me in the house after she saw me attempting to gyrate in our front yard w/ all the girls from the block..She said "Girl you aren't going to be out there shakin' your tail..All these men around..You aren't going to be like these fast girls" But she was one of the main ones telling me that I didn't have any rhythm if I wasn't shuffle ball stepping or doing pleayes..Lol..but behind closed doors..chile I was learning how to pop and drop it..and by the time I was in the 6th grade I was killin them in dance contest. I danced hard..

Speaking of dance..I remember when in the 11th grade. I had enough credits to basically do a co-op. I had always been a dancer..and a group of my dancer friends from my dance school were doing this out of school everyday dance class. Of course I had to be apart of it. I remember me having a car and not being able to drive it because my mom decided as my punishment the summer before that I wouldn't be able to take drivers ed. So I remember being embarrassed that I had to ride this big ass yellow bus all by myself to go dance with my prestigious friends. I remember being fed up..and sneaking my car out..all of the time..and finally getting caught..gettin my ass whooped..and her finally letting me do my own thing. *I got pulled over for having a tail light out one week after I got my license* wheewh..Neway...

I remember when I used to be shy to go across the floor. I remember when I was afraid to show what I really had. I remember when my teacher who was 40 something..and FAB! Down to earth..but she thought I was the worst dancer..Until..she told me in front of the whole class..that I shouldn't have hidden what I really had. And that I proved her wrong. She said she knew I was afraid and timid. I think the riding the bus in the beginning messed me up..lol.. She said that I should never be that way again in life. I remember all of my dancer friends..whom I still most of them keep in touch w/..And all guy dancers ARE NOT GAY!

I remember when I met Toi... Me and my girl I'll call her Tina..went out..We went to the Body Tap..Her ass showing me around the "A"...It's hood..I fit in good when I want to. * my peeps here call me New-New- thats a whole different post* Neway I had hips and an ass..Speaking of..I REMEMBER WHEN I HAD A BIG ASS! SIZE 7-9 OR 8-10...How ever it came..Anyway..We walked in.. We went to the bathroom. It was this beautiful girl in the bathroom. Thick..Nice face..and just badd. I complimented her outfit..cuz she rolled flyy just like me and my girl..She told me she was from the D..and me being from MI we clicked. But I let her..and she let me go about my business..

Anyway we walked out..and Tina..She peeped TI before I did. I was busy trying to do something else..admiring the purple on the wall..So I wasn't paying no attention when they motioned for us to come over. We went..They offered me a shot of Patron. I was a punk..in front of all of the stars..YES AND SAID.."MY MOMMA TOLD ME NEVER TO TAKE A DRINK FROM JUST ANYONE AND I DON'T KNOW YA'LL..".. I wonder if they could tell I was sooo scared!? Next thing I know Tina is telling me to come on..That Swiss Beats wants us to come along...

We get into her car..and follow them to this studio..It was beautiful. I was soooo freaking nervous..trying to play it cool..I knew what they possibly wanted..But I had my girl there..But her ass was a freak..so I was really scared..To make a long story short..Swiss did his thing in front of TI and all of his peeps..Tiny..her girls..but I didn't want to be in the studio w/ them..I was not a groupie..they picked me..but that's how I felt..

Toi, Tina, and I began to talk over some drinks..We exchanged numbers..she said she would call me..The next thing you know she was up and out. And all of TI's ppl.. Me and Tina were left. Swiss found me..and brought me into the studio..and was playing the TI song he was producing..The white guy mastering it was tired..and Swiss was like "Get used to it dude, if you want to do this". It was like 5 am..and my ass was tired..But white dude left..my girl was in the same room dozing..buzzed..And Swiss and I just danced..Boy. That boy can dance his ass off. I'm from MI and we step..and he can step and bop is what we call it..We talked about his wife..and I asked him why he sought out other women? Ya'll know the answer..the same one they all give..Neway..they are divorced now..So I see why. He wanted us to go back to his/and his cousins hotel room..Lord knows what they wanted to do to us..I couldn't do that shit man..A lot of girls would have..I had been there done that..not being the number one chick...I wasn't having it AGAIN..Now if I would have been single..and he would have been..TOTALLY DIFFERENT STORY..I would have gave him some..and he would be writing songs about me til this day..YA'LL SEE WHAT I DO TO THEM..LOL.. Neway..Toi..I started kicking it w/ her hard..She was Jeezys girlfriend/ manager before he became who he is. So she had inside connections. Me her and baby girl chilled during the day..and just me and her @ night..We went here and there..I saw him and her..Heard about this and that..and I saw a lot. We don't talk any more..That girl had more numbers than anyone I've ever met..Somehow we lost track..Anyway I remember when I was amongst the stars..

I remember when..I had the hugest crush on this boy that went to my high school. He was white. His name was Jedediah. He had like 5 hott brothers or something like that. I called him Jeddy bear. At this time he was with Amber. And I was with Jonny. We were feeling each other though. But the timing wasn't right. I was convinced that this was simply a crush that would pass..and I was going to marry Jonny and have pretty little mixed babies. Wherever we went wrong. He was jealous and controlling..but a real attentive boyfriend..Oh well.. We went our separate ways. I was a senior in high school. He had graduated the year before. Got a job as the football coach for our middle school..and that's where it began. Boy..we had fun..while we lasted. His dad was a little more than racist..so I didn't feel comfortable really. I don't really remember what happened between us to end. I know it wasn't anything dramatic. God gave him the littlest gift that I have ever seen to date though. I made it seem grand! All girls do! But I remember that I could be free with him. I am sure he harbors some of my deepest secrets. I remember him being a really good friend..and boyfriend while we lasted..

Morning Vent

I need to vent...

I had the scariest premonition last night. Most of my premonitions come true..So I don't bullshit around.. So I texted him and said that he doesn't have to come by and get her. Since we don't talk because all he does is yell..we go through our sitter..and I told her to tell him to pick her up from her house...You think he comprehended no. Then I get all these text messages talking about I'm a liar this and that...HA! And that's it's about what I want..TRUE..I want her to play w/ kids and not be cooped up in that store all day..and I want her to be cool when she is @ his house..No air conditioner..No baby girl..Plain and simply why should she have to suffer? And he always replys "PPL didn't used to have air"..yeah that was before it was invented...
He could have had time with her..but he chose not to listen to my directions..His bad..

She doesn't need to be at that store all day w/ him w/ out any kids to play w/..He doesn't understand that.

He's so obsessed w/ lying because he does it all of the time. Sure I've lied and told him I was somewhere I was not...BECAUSE YOU DON'T BELONG IN MY BUSINESS!!

I put in my text msg that said the he doesn't have to come by..that I'm not trying to hurt him..His reply is hurt is hurt...HA! I know he writes nasty stuff about me all of the time. HE IS OBSESSED W/ME! And he's so sick that he can't even realize what he's doing..It's like some people go back and read stuff that they've written that they shouldn't have..and go back and erase it..Not him..he tries to make it nastier and nastier. Sick! The thing is he thinks he's hurting me..but it makes me smile to know that someone has me on their mind so much..even though it's in a sick way..He told me to pray..Lot's of people are in agreement..and we pray that he gets well..

Once again..I hate writing about shit in my personal life like this..But I felt the urge. Oh and can one of ya'll bloggers who visit his site..suggest that he shouldn't put our daughters picture in the comment box..or on his blog at all..she didn't give his okay..and he looks freaky holding her w/ his shirt off. Thanks if you could!

I'm sure today I will get all types of text msgs from him. It's cool because I'm already dressed for work..meaning I have time to stop by the metro store when they open and block his text..I won't be able to see his..but I can send them..Matter of fact I'm going to block one more person that is bugging me.Neat huh?

Where is Obama Girl When We Need Her? N more Randomish

I *heart* the Warren Ballentine show. So this morning as I'm driving to work and listening to him like I do every morning..I hear about The New Yorker showing it's ass. I don't understand why people have to hate. To me when ever a person does or says something negative about a person..that means that they are jealous. Just like in the J. Jackson case. He is mad that Obama will be the President, something he never had a shot at because back then even people thought he was a joke. I remember seeking Mr. Jackson at the high school in the town I grew up in. I was maybe 4..I knew he was a joke then..I don't know how but I did..

Anyway..I am appalled at this. And who ever created this drawing should be damned. It's not right..and no matter how much they try to taint his campaign. I believe that he will be our next President!

************************************************************************************************

I know exactly

What unhappiness

Can do to a person

If they can't handle it

It rips you apart

And hardens your heart

Your blood becomes cold

And you ignore

What ever right..

You've been told..

I know exactly

How unhappiness

Can ruin lives

It makes one hateful

It makes one despise

The things they once loved

But unhappiness

Likes to wear a mask

But it takes a stronger person

To rip off the disguise

Of unhappiness

And rise above

The madness

I know exactly

When unhappiness

Takes over a person's soul

When they can't focus on

Anything...

But what caused them harm

They live and breathe

The things that

Other people have done wrong

And everyone else realizes

That they are unhappy

And are basically

Waiting for them

To get over it..

And move on...

I know exactly...

Who unhappiness affects

Those who are weak minded

And those who constantly

Dwell on the past

Those who cannot move on

Those who live in hell

Those who will never know

Happiness...again!

*********************************************************************************************

So I don't think I'm done growing...My knees hurt like they did when I was a child..I guess they call them growth spurts..OUCH!! It hurts...And for the past 2 days or so I've had the worst head ache. It moves from the left side to the right side of my body. If I move my head downward you know to pick up something up..IT THROBS!! I don't like swallowing pills so there is no chance that I will be taking anything. But right now I'm in pain..and the whole pressure point thing that is located between the thumb and pointer finger isn't working.. I was planning on flat ironing my curls out..but I braided baby girls hair tonight in cornrows and beads..so I'm tired...I guess I will look wild about the head again tomorrow...at least I looked pretty today. I had on a white and polka dot dress. It was fitted @ the top and flared out..I *heart* dresses. I feel so feminine. And plus they are cool down here in this Georgia weather..Speaking of Georgia...Hello to all of my Georgia readers..Don't be shy..you can say hello!

Neway ya'll I'm about to lay it down..and dive into my dreams..Ohh speaking of dreams..I had a really good one last night. I was with someone..who I've never met..but who was simply gorgeous..dark features..beautiful eyes..We held each other. We came together. I woke up hott!! I didn't want it to end. Hopefully one day soon I'll be able to experience my dreams in reality. Anyway...That was for the grown folks..kids I hope ya'll weren't paying attention..

Bath Day

Man I hate to sterotype people..but "bath day" can only be conducted by white people...



Since I've been working at this Montessori school maybe 5 kids participate in "bath day"... They are all white.



When I first heard the other teachers talking about "bath day" I couldn't believe that people actually planned days for their children to get cleaned..



In my head I'm thinking...These little rugrats are outside for maybe 3 hours each day, rolling in and throwing wood chips. They sweat and when they're done playing they smell like all of great out doors..Ya'll know that smell that you get when you stand outside even if you don't play? Well imagine it on a child who does play..PU!



One of the elementary students was like " I don't have to take baths on Mondays, Wendsays, or Fridays"... I was thinking that's why you smell like that.. lol



I know my baby girl takes a bath everyday. Mainly at night..then when she wakes up in the morning before I get her dressed I wash her up...and reapply her lotion and powder. One thing I can't stand is a stinky kid. Kids are a reflection of their parents, and I believe when you look at my lil one you see perfection...



So what do you guys think..Parents or not..What do you think about "bath day"..Is it a cultural difference, or a hygein thing?

Late Night Thought

I want to be touched
Where ever my
Future lover is
I hope they hurry up
Because I’m tired
Tired of being..
Hurt…

7-12-08

I just don't understand some peoples motivation for the things that they do.

I really could care less where their motivation for their actions came from as long as it doesn't involve me.

But when it does.. I have to step back and ask why...

This is my blog correct? Rehtorical question I know..

So that means I should be the only one inviting people that actually know me to my blog..correct?

Well that's how I feel..but people constantly overstep their boundaries when it comes to me..

This is my home..

So it is totally unexceptable to invite people over to my house when you don't live here...today and tomorrow..

I can forget about yesterday...and hope that it doesn't happen again...

But I am sure that this will not be the last time that I will be violated..

And quite frankly I'm immune to it now....

I just laugh it off... and realize that...

Those that are constantly paying so much attention to me...

Can't possibly have time to focus on themselves...

Damn...

Well welcome *you know who you are* **HUGS**...I'm sure that you were invited here to see the other side of history..but it's rarely ever here..because my attention is else where! But I hope you make yourself @ home..and enjoy yourself.

I'm back!!

I had to step back for a minute
So I could properly
Put on for my City :)
I’m a Supa-Nova
Waiting to explode
Haters get ready
Cuz I’m good for putting
On a show

I’m a lioness
A true Leo
At heart
A protector
And a nurturer
But if you cross my path
And leave your scent
Where I roam
More than once!!
I’m bound to pounce..
And sneak up on yo ass
Remain hidden
Yet, very diligent
ROAR!!
Really loudly
Just to scare

So please leave me alone
If you seethe Negativity
Because ya’ll know
Lionesses don’t do nuthin’
But hunt and sleep…
So if you don’t want
To be my meal
Keep the drama to ya self
Ya dig

Just thought I would let you know
Who the star is you gaze @ from afar
I’m down to earth
But people would
Like to see me be dim
When they know
I’m too fucking bright
To be from Venus
I’m an alien to Earth
Searching for Mars
But there’s no life there
And it’s too far

I am honest
I’ve fucked up
More than once
But I know
I’m a good student
In this school called life
Now, I don’t have a 4.0
Because sometimes I forget
To revise my notes
I forget to pay attention
To the most important
Lessons that I’ve been taught
But that’s apart of this school
Learning how to get up
After failing
After dropping out
More than once
I had to realize
School life will always be here
Until I die…
So I’ve learned to suck it up
And study those dreaded notes
Attending my detentions
Excepting my In-School-Suspension
Sitting here right now
In my desk
Prepared…
Waiting for Lifes next test



Yeah... I am very very very tired people!! I think I'm going through menopause or something early because I've been having these hot flashes. Mainly at night..I'll wake up and my tee shirt is usually soaked..and of course my flat ironed hair is sweated out..so it becomes curly..I've slept for maybe 4 hours each night all week..So I don't know if what I just wrote is even coherent....



You can't make yourself feel love

If it's not there

You can't in anyway possible

Force yourself...



Sometimes the perfect picture

Is right in front of you

Your eager to buy it

But after your purchase

You realize it's not quite

Exactly what you wanted

So you decide to return it

Because you couldn't

Stand the sight of

The Art you once loved

Not one minute longer



That's what love is like

One day it's daylight

The next day it's night

But the most important

Thing to remember is

There is always another day

Another love...to treasure

Then to throw away



**************************************************************************************************



So.... nice to meet you femme

I'm a girl who wants to be a boy

Always rockin Tims and a tie

On the streets they call me

Sir Swerve

Because I go down so good

Yeah..it's true what you heard

I'm that one who does it better

Than any boy

and even though

I want to be one

I'm still a girl



So what about that

Let me turn you out

Show you what these studs

Are all about

Got me all on your jock

Got me wanting to

Take off my bra

Drop down my boxers

Tie your wrist

To the bed w/ my tie

Lick you all over

W/ my tounge

It's not natural

But it's almost the same

W/ a strap on



So what about that

Lil sexy ma

I heard you braid

Come braid my hair

Let me talk to you a lil bit

And maybe you will

Come around

To letting me do

What ol' girl

Writing this

Mentioned above....





Hahah...okay..I have always been baffled..as to how a chick could want another chick who acted and basically wanted to be a boy..If they wanted a boygirl..why wouldn't they just get a boy? I think lesbianism should consist of two beautiful females loving each other..I'm sure most guys do too..Huh? Ya'll wouldn't want to see two studs going @ it right? And then what's even more confusing is how two studs can get together...I see it all down here so I just observe..



I hope I entertained ya'll tonight...gave ya'll a lil bit of variety...



Have a good Friday...

.....

Hey guys!!

Thanks for all of the support. I will not post your comments this time, because I know some of you are riding both sides of the fence..but thank you for the kind words.. Ya'll know who you are!

So yeah I gotta get on the phone with comcast because my internet has been down for a couple of days now..So that's why I've been absent.

I know will have a lot of catching up to do for the blogs I visit..

I hope everyone is having a good day..

I'll holla when I can..

HIP HOP VS. America

I really like this Hip Hop VS America show that BET is doing..

First of all..I grew up 'watching' MC Lyte..I saw watching because I was probably 3 or something but I remember being with my older half sister listening and watching her on videos..

I really didn't like the first part though. They had all of the male rappers up there..making a bunch of noise. Just like most of them do in their music..

The second part is pretty interesting. I am watching it as I am writing this...

I believe that Hip Hop isn't going to change..

Like Wayne said "Money, Cars, Clothes, Hoes...I'm from the ghetto so give me my.." Most of us..who didn't grow up in the "Baldwin Hills" saw some ish growing up. I know I did.

I saw girls @ 14 w/ babies. It was cool to be "fast"..is what my mom used to call it..

There were no jobs really where I'm from so there were a lot of drugs, lots of junkies..

Lots of girls looking to get a dope boy..

I've seen blood on the streets after somebody got shot..

I've seen a lady's hand that was almost severed in the projects..her man did it..

I've seen people start drama just because there is nothing better to do..

When I was little I used to give my cousins in the projects my "real money" in exchange for their food stamps..Back when they were paper.. lol.. before I knew what the "project" were..I thought I would go there and see all types of experiments..Ha!

So this is reality to people who grow up in urban areas. That's why most of the art of Hip Hop artist rap about all this grimy stuff. Some of them are fakes.. haven't experience what they rap about..

If they haven't they should rap in second person.. They should never say I..

I write all of the time outside of myself...I watch and observe..so I can write about it later..

We have to separate the two.. Until then it isn't going to change..

And as for the "video models"

It is a good job to have. I wouldn't mind having a gig or two..Depending on what it is..

I would def. pick and choose...but my ass isn't big enough.. That's what's wrong with Hip Hop right there..

Would I show my ass if I had one on the front of KING..Hell yes..lol..but I don't so that is just a fantasy..

Anyway..I pray for HIP HOP..because I feel like it's left me..when it actually helped raise me..

The Quietest Relationship

I've been wanting to do this post for sometime now.

I really don't talk to much about relationships. Mainly because I'm tired....physically and mentally of relationships. I am exhausted to the point where I'm unsure if I can begin to focus my attention on anyone but myself. Men are in question to me now. I am watching and learning from my male friends. I always have been one of the boys. A pretty boy they call me. I can maybe count on one hand the females in my life that I would call a friend. Of course I am taking note of the relationships of the females in my life. But my boys..like I've said before..man I love them all.

Me being one of the boys is the reason why I don't fall prey to those guys who have an ulterior motives. My boyfriends who I always tell that I don't have many female friends..and that I will sometimes go hang out with my guy friends...the boyfriend always says that the guys who are just my friend...always have a fantasy in their mind that they will one day have me. I've heard it time and time again...and I'm thinking am I really that deal for them to be trippin like that?

So this leads me to what I really wanted to say...The cool factor in a relationship between me and my partner is very important.

If we can't laugh and talk...there is no point..

"The most important part of a conversation is silence" Some lady on BET "Hip-Hip Hop Vs. America"

I talk..you listen..

You talk.. I listen...

I will hang up on you in a hot minute if I feel like I can't get a word in...Or in life..walk straight away because I do not like to argue longer than 1 min.. It makes my chest tighten up.. I don't think people should interrupt each other. It's called respect.

Then here it is...my whole point..and I have the best example..Over used..But the best...

What ever happens in our relationship..should be between us..and only us..

I do think there is an exception..if you are in therapy..because it goes no further than there..I don't even think relationships should be discussed with "close" friends..because people knowing too much of the business..is not smart..because people talk..friends or not..

Jay Z and Beyonce- Since the beginning have never talked about their relationship. Sure we always saw them together but we never knew anything. To the press they were untouchable..

Now back to most peoples reality..where there is no paparazzi following your every move.. In your relationship you tell it all...

You smear your partners name in the mud. And what's missing like in the US Weekly magazine is the truth. Privacy is the most important part of a relationship I believe.

Beyonce could be a man, she's not, but my point is we would never know.. Jay's feet could reek..but we wouldn't know..

So here is my question..

Would you stay with a person... In a relationship..

Or even be able to be cool if your not in a relationship...

With a person..

Who told all of your business..and like "writers" take your story and twist it to fit their emotions or views? Who only told one side of the story..Theirs..?

But then let's take it a step up..since my example is B and J..

What if your business and the relationships business is displayed all over the place..on the internet, in books, in articles..ect?