Stranger...

I have been gone for a few days...


I needed time to take in....


The nonsense happening around me... * I have a lot to write about* This post isn't it..


This is a very passionate subject....


My child...


I know half of the blog world thinks that I am a bad mother... and quite frankly I laugh at that thought.


And if you don't know..


I could care less what people think of me..


Because the people who sit back and judge me..


You have no idea...how much I love...my baby girl...


If that is you. Please take a look in the mirror.


*Disclaimer* I do not put my babys girl business out for the world to read. I don't put pictures of her up..because who know's hands they could get into. There are sick people out there, and I want to protect her from that. I won't put her name out here. Though it already is. Even though her image has already been viewed by I don't know who. But that wasn't my choice. I choose to keep her away from the life of the internet. That is of course until she can read/type..and make her own decision to desplay her image. One of my mentors who is a writer and has children conciously made a decision not to write about her children. She didn't want the world to be privy to their childhood. Some things are meant to be private. But this one..I couldn't hold back*****


I have a deep, in touch intuition.

My motherly instinct are so intune to my child. * I wake up right before she does EVERY TIME!! I haven't slept through the night in almost 4 yrs..you gotta count being pregnant** I learned in psychology that response has something to do with our hippocampus. **

Anyway...


I went to work early Thur. and got off work early.


Something was telling me all day to go to baby girls fathers store.. to pick her up..


I didn't call...


The element of suprise..


You always get caught when you aren't doing what you are supposed to do..


Traffic was bad anyway on my normal route..so I had to go through the city anyway.


I get to his place of business...


I notice cups of beer as I walk up..sitting next to his broke down friend.. I say broke down ya'll cuz that's how he looks. He was there during business hours so I was assuming he didn't have a job. I was upset because they were drinking around my daughter. I couldn't see them drinking apple juice.


So I go into the store and yell over the blearing music.."Where is 'name of my daughter?"


"She isn't here...I needed some more tags so she went w/ Angela and her husband to the store"...


"What store? And who are Angela and her husband. Don't let her go with just any body. I don't know these people"..I was fucking pissed..


"Angela watches the cash register when I'm not here. They went to CVS..They'll be right back".


"Oh." I walked out side..and sat down in one of the chairs. Livid..

I'm looking at this little bitty poodle tied up..


"Who's dog is this?"


"Angela"...I'm expecting a 30ish-40 year old..


I waited for about 15 minutes and CVS was right around the corner..and I'm like where is my child..?


"Do they have her car seat?"


"Yeah they in my car"...


"Well can you call them please?"


So he called...then he's like why don't you just leave her here. I thought you said I could keep her tonight? Blah Blah Blah.. But he obviously wasn't keeping her because she wasn't with him then.


No answer..


I felt hurt and betrayed because I don't never have let her be with random people.

I'm pissed...


Then I see my daughter walking with a balloon hand in hand with a "chick" no older than me. First thing I'm thinking is where is the husband??? Cuz I know that "racist word" said Angela had a husband. She didn't have a ring on..yes I looked when she got close enough.


Angela and my daughter were at the other corner crossing the street.


When she gets in distance to where I'm standing. I take my daughters hand..


And say " I don't let my daughter go with strangers. And I would appreciate it if you wouldn't take her with you any more. Please don't let me see or hear about this happening again. Nothing against you I just don't trust people with my daughter that I don't know."

How often does this chick drive I'm thinking if she didn't have her own vehicle and had to use his rental car? I'm sure she isn't on his insurance and what if something would have happened. HELL NO!!


Okay..first off...


I know ya'll are thinking ohh she's mad cuz her child's father is probably messing with the girl who he claims watches the cash register for him and takes our daughter and his son to get food and stuff while he's busy..


Not! If he is.. I would be excited. Because maybe he would stop focusing on me so much.


BUT I'M MORE MAD THAT SHE WAS WITH SOME CHICK WHO I KNOW HE DOESN'T KNOW FROM EVE.


I wouldn't have been mad, maybe a little concerned, if she was with maybe his friends wife that I've met before but what was he thinking?


I WOULDN'T EVEN LET PEOPLE HOLD HER WHEN SHE WAS A BABY..SO SHE HAD SEPARATION ANXIETY FOR 2 YEARS WHERE WE COULDN'T LEAVE HER.


I know deep down inside that he knew that I would be pissed off about this..

Now people I'm going to throw another twist in here. Bugs in GA are like terrorist. I hate them. So I try to stay away from areas infested with bugs. I have never had a tick latch on to my body. But my daughter has had 4. She is only three. She did not acquire these festations around me because when she was 24mts when she had her first one I didn't let her go outside. And if I didn't find them no telling what could have happened....

I know he will probably read this. I don't care. He doesn't comment anymore, but I know his eyes are watching. I think he is an excellent father* but when it comes to hygiene he doesn't have it. She will not be subjected anymore to filthiness.

She should never be put in the hands of strangers. My daughter has never been in a car with one of my friends alone. She's been with her babysitter before..but bump that other stuff.

So people am I wrong for not wanting her to be with that random girl?

Am I wrong because I feel that she shouldn't be subjected to possibly fatal insects *Lyme disease*?

Music Tag

"List seven songs that you are into right now. No matter what the genre, whether they have words, or even if they're not any good, but they must be songs you're really enjoying now, shaping your spring summer. Post these instructions in your blog along with your seven songs. Then tag seven other people to see what they're listening to."

1. "Love In The Club "-- Part 1 w..just Usher and Jeezy....

then he has a Beyonce, Lil Wayne, TIP remix..then he got one with Kels.... All I know is that I love Jeezy's part..YUH! "I strongly doubt this velvet rope would hold me up..and I don't want security rolling up on us" Beyonce...

"And I don't want to stop..just because..all the people in the club is watching us..I don't give a damn what they say...It's the remix babyyyy!" Wayne

2. "Keep On Dreaming" Lyfe.. this song touched me.. As you can hear it is on my profile..

3. "Put On" Okay! I know..I know..but Kanye's part..

"I feel like it's still ***** that owe me checks... I feel like it's still bitches that owe me sex..." His lyrics are soo funny... Plus the beat is hot....

4. "Take A Bow" Rihanna- my bad if I spelled her name wrong..But girl is jammin... "Talkin bout girl I love you, you're the one..this just looks like a rerun..Please..."

5. "Wonderwall" Oasis" "Just maybeeee you're gonna be the one that saves me..and after alllll you're my wonderwalll"..

6. "Drive" Incubus "Sometimes I feel the fear of uncertainty stinging clear..and I can't help but ask myself how much I let the fear take the wheel and steer"...

7. "Spotlight" Jennifer Hudson... "Are you a guard in a prison maximum security..is that you? Do you stay home all of the time because you want me to yourself..is that you? ".......

Okay...I got a couple rap bangers...cuz ya'll know I got a lil bit of she thug in me..lol

I threw in some throw back joints..that will always be my fav..Oasis..and Incubus

A couple man bashers bangers..... Go Ri Ri N Jen..ya'll got spins w/ me..

I don't buy CD's unless I go to Old Natl' and hit up the bootleg man.. 5 for 10..man.. I haven't been to see him in a long time though..

Okay I tag...

Stupid Sonny Purdue

We'll thanks to your Governor Sonny Purdue Atlanta we will now have mentally ill people running around even more than now with out any help*Thanks to his budget shift*, while everyone who is "licenced" can carry guns in public places..some that serve alcohol *Thanks to this ridiculous gun law that will go into affect pretty soon here folks..Sometime in July*

Wow...

I wonder sometimes how people like Bush and Purdue get into power?

Money... They have it all..

And love taking it away from people who need it the most...

6.6 MILLION dollars was shifted from mental health care to fill other holes in the state budget..says the ajc..

There is nothing I can type that will change this...

But I'm sure we will see the affects of both of his decisions...

*****There needs to be an age limit in such elections..because the older men get I say men cuz they tend to mess stuff up..when they have political power..I think the more they make stupid decisions.. We will be in for it ppl if McCain gets elected..He's headed for the nursing home..****

Just Curious

I've seen her show maybe twice....

While watching I was wondering about the state of reality tv... anybody can be a reality tv star..

It is addicting...

But Tila Tequila is about chick above searching for love...

She is bi sexual...

And to me she looks like an alien in the face... but her body is attractive..I wonder if her ladies are real?

When I was watching it last she narrowed it down to a dude and a girl...

This had me wondering...

If all women are curious?

Lyfe

Okay ya'll..I know you're going to miss DJ Bad Yellow aka Foia's play list for a min..But I really need you to listen to this song by Lyfe Jennings called "Keep on Dreaming"...

I heard it this morning on the Steve Harvey Morning Show while driving to work..and it made tears come to my eyes..

You know how certain songs can tug at certain strings..

Well...Lyfe..this song applies to my Life....It does ya'll..

What do ya'll think? Like or Dislike? Please listen very carefully...





***************************************************************************************************

Okay..I've heard that my blog isn't on the track that it's suppose to be....

And when I asked this person what that meant...

They said that I'm supposed to be a mental health advocate...

I'm like yeahhhh... so...

And I interjected..I don't want to be like one of those people who's blog I read that have a mental illness..and that's all they focus on.

Bipolar indeed is a part of me..A very small part of me.. and a part of my blog... but it doesn't outshine what my blog is about..

I think I would get on peoples nerves..and would be a one sided writer if that's all I talked about...

Anyway.. I will throw splish splashes in there every once and a while...

**************************************************************************************************
This urge
I've had it
Since birth
A throbbing
Natural..
Given to me
By Mother Earth

This urge
Millions of people
Feel the way I do
Closing their eyes
With a person
Wearing the same
Type of shoes

This urge....
An adventure
In every sense
Of the word
I have yet
To explore
Rocks or mountains
I have never been
To the great outdoors
But I'm planning
My get away
One day soon...

**************************************************************************************************

If an ex still brings up old stuff from your past relationship..and constantly tries to aggrivate you..and is always negative..and constantly has something ugly to say about you..and ALWAYS argues even if you are trying to tell them that the color is red not pink...What is happening????

3 Part Series...

So my mom left this morning. She changed my whole apt around and I would like to say I think she did a fine job. Baby girl came in today when her father dropped her off sleepy, but wondering if Nana left yet. She looked out our back door to see if she was sitting out there. I thought how sweet..

I miss her a tad bit even through all of the madness. We do have fun when we just chill and hang out. When we don't talk about any controversial topics like religion.

She admitted to me that she was stressed out extremely..and that's why a lot of things happened that shouldn't have. She doesn't want me to do the same to baby girl. I wont...I promised myself that before baby girl was even conceived.

So today I got pooped on by on of my students baby sister. She is so juicy..big ol ham hock legs..and beautiful blue eyes. She doesn't come visit much, but when she does come to get her older sister who is 3..the mom or dad lets me hold and snuggle w/ her briefly.

So the mom came by the elementary class room and I'm sitting there bored making a bracelet and I see her big ol cheeks smiling @ me..

I run and grab her.... We walk to pick up her older sister and as were walking back down towards the office..I thought I smelled something..But baby poo doesn't really stink..it has an odor but it's hard to describe. So I thought maybe she just passed gas.

So I lift her up a bit admiring her baby thighs and I see green stuff all over my sweater *I'm cold natured* and tank top..Her mom was freaking out..and I'm like let me go change her!! I told her to go get her bag..She didn't..I guess she may have been embarrassed...but I saw no need in the child driving home leaking shit. Plus 2 minutes before she just asked me to baby sit for them? Why Wednesday?

I wasn't mad..I just haven't ever been shitted on. Literally before.

****Lying to yourself****


How can a man/woman
Tell lies to himself?

How can a man
conjure up false stories
and expect people to believe?
In what he says....
When he creates
His own truth

How can we trust
In all actuality
The truth he claims
That is blue..
But with almost no
examination...
Is found out to be red...

What is a man thinking
When he creates
These alternate realities?

Does he actually believe
The stories that he is telling?


****** Your Voice******

I am lonely
I want love
I want to be touched
I want to hugged
I want to be yours
In a bed of red roses
We'll toss in more than lust

Slippery Slopes
I yearn to explore
I'll slide all over the place
Always holding on
To the thought
That I might..
Just might...
One day make it to the top

I want to learn
I want to know
I want to memorize
Every inch...of you
So I close my eyes
Tracing the outline
Of your face
Because that's the best
I can do
Because I've never heard
Your voice

The New Guy In My Life..

Okay...


Today, started off a little bit frustrating to say the least. I don't like people who contradict themselves. If you preach about somebody doing one thing, and then you turn around and do the same thing..is very irritating to me. How can someone tell lies to their own self?


So nonetheless I had a therapist/the best shrink in the world apt...this morning..and I was running 5 to 7 minutes late as always and of course people down here can't drive. So I almost got killed a couple of times.


So I get there and my shrink is wayyyy late. I'm assuming she was dealing w/ a crisis, because she's never late. So I get in there and she wants to talk but they buzzed her for my 11:30 apt so she just asked me a couple of questions. She told me she was proud of me and how I'm handling things. Got refills.. And went to get the new guy to introduce me to my new therapist.


I stopped seeing my previous therapist. We sort of hit a brick wall so I decided to switch it up.

Just some back ground as to why I started therapy.. cuz maybe some people wonder.

Back in the 80's- but more of the 90's in Benton Harbor where I grew up there were a series of gruesome and grotesque murders that were totally random. As I child I lived in fear.


*When I was in the 3rd grade. Winter Break. My grandma was coming to spend the night w/ me and my mom. I had a desk in my room and she was moving it so we could fit a bed into my room for my grandma. As soon as she walked away a bullet came through the walkway where she put the desk. *I hid under our Christmas tree shivering while my grandma and my mom dealt with the police.** Should have been in therapy then but....


*When I was 13 some guys broke into my house *AGAIN OVER CHRISTMAS BREAK *that I knew from down the street* And I was home alone. My grandma lived one street over and I was on the phone with her scared to death. I screamed at them once they entered "what are you doing here" and they took off running.* THAT SHIT...MAN..HAD YA GIRL ON EDGE! I'm really not fond of the X mas holiday.


So I got into therapy after that because trauma had basically moved in w/ me. And was the worst roomate.

My first therapist Marla is obviously a woman because of her name. She was cool and had unconditional positive regard. She was in training so I imagine by now she is awesome.

Anyway my mom is all crazy..and wanted to ruin my teenage years and I was not having it. So we fought and fought until I got my way and she let me grow into BAM me. So by the age of 16 she let me do me..but before that you better believe she was trying to make the courts deem me incorrigible...because she beat me one day yall so bad..that I did the ultimate no no. I hit her back.. And we fought and we fought..and she called the police...and they took me away in front of my whole block....So then nothing happened but making me go to another therapist.

I don't remember her name. But I remember that she was a young pretty white girl. Not that race matters but I figured I would give you guys and image. I didn't see her long..

Then...I grew up *so I thought @ 16* But me and my best friend K.K..got control. Partied Partied Partied non stop in high school. I had the time of my life. Went to college. Mellowed out. Dropped out. Got engaged. Had a baby..Lost it..and now I have to deal with this volatile relationship that is between me and baby girls father.

So therapy again..

Kat. She is wonderful. We were having too much fun though. I couldn't really get to my issues that I want to figure out about men.

She suggested last year that I see this therapist who is a older man...She told me he was cool and that I would probably like him. I do. I approve.

I just got this new fly Andy Warhol bag. Yellow w/ Elvis on it. He noted it. I was like wow..this old guy is hip. Anyway so we talked and talked non stop for a hour. He told me that I'm very intelligent and it seems like I'm dealing w/ things well. He told me the reason why I attract older professional guys is because they see beauty and intelligence. I still refuse to believe that I am beautiful. I know on the inside yes. But outwardly..eh?
I know that I am really smart. I also know I can't or do not posses the ability to do extremely stupid hard math. Who actually made that stuff up?

Of course we tried to figure my mom out. We decided she was traumatized too..and if you don't deal with things properly they manifest into other things. He said it sounds like because of what happened to her that she wants things to appear perfect that's why she points out things that are apparently wrong with others. He said it sounds like she has gen. anxiety disorder.

So yeah...I approve of new therapist dude... very thorough. He's the new guy in my life.

Color Spectrum

I close my eyes
And I picture you
We are on
The same planet
Venus….
I’ve never been
But you’ve touched the sun
I’m fearful
I’ve stayed on earth
Frequented Mars

Two arrows flying
On the same path
But here where I stand
It is gloomy
And my feet are planted
Sinking..into this wet sand
And I dream of rainbows
Rainbows that lead me
Straight to you
My pot of gold
I dream of touching you
I dream of having you to hold
I dream that the rainbow appears
And that it leads me
Straight…..

to you

I want to climb mountains
With you
I want to explore your mind
I want to be your drug
I want to get you high
But until then
Until it stops raining
Until the sun shines
Until the rainbow appears
I’m right here..
Gazing into the sky

Family.. blood is suppose to be thicker than water. Isn’t that how the cliché goes? So why do families betray each other? Okay, I had an awesome childhood as far as I’m concerned because I was involved in extra curricular activities. I wonder how much money they spent on dance classes? *2 ½ until I dance my last and final dance 06-02. I was 17..*Another place I learned to release my emotions.* We have a summer timeshare in the Bahamas for a whole month, so I was used to doing nice things w/ my mom and Grandma. But on the other hand, I had to deal w/ some real shit. That left me feeling like..How could you do..say..act like this when we are family?

Okay so here is my disclamer for this before I go too deep.

As I’m writing about my mother* Which I haven't done on blogger..would like to keep this shit @ home..but I needed a release.

..I know that some things that we went through aren’t Kodak memories, but I feel the way I feel for a reason. I will write the good bad and the ugly from both sides. One thing that I do know is that I WOULD NEVER ASK HER TO READ MY BLOG. Because there are some things here that I would never want her to see. Let’s forget about Bipolar here for a minute, but why wouldn’t want to hurt her by my words. That’s like saying “Read my book. It’s about you, the whole thing and it’s the nightmare which is your life and what you’ve done to me”. THAT RIGHT THERE IS NOT LOVE. Talk shit about a person, and then ask them to read it. Sick and sadistic if you ask me…

She knows that I believe for the most part that her outward appearance is an embarrassment to me. And yes some of her comments have always made me uncomfortable. She has low self esteem I believe. She was violated more than once in life, and I'm sure that had to left some psychological scars. But she is my mother, and the creator gave me to her. So it is what it is…

I tell her all the time to drink water, and put down the ample diet cokes that she guzzles everyday. I say go Nestle Purelife! I tell her to not smoke, I hate cigarettes! No junk food I tell her..*I found out I can eat as much food as I want as long as I cut out cookies n shyt* She knows that we fight, just like any other mother and daughter. But we both know that we talk about everything under the sun. Sex, Drugs, rock and roll.. I love her I truly do..because man I swear she is a pivotal factor in who I am today.

I will not hit my daughter... because I had enough bruises and welts for the both of us…

I will not yell for stupid shit…

Man she used to ruin my day by yelling @ me early in the morning. It can bring a child down .

My daughters hair will be fly all of the time…with the occasional pig tails or pony tail.

I will keep my self up just so she doesn’t have to be teased…

I will not blame anything on her…

I will be her best friend..while still putting the law down…with out physical force.

I WILL NEVER PUT MY ILLNESS IN FRONT OF MY DAUGHTERS EYES, AND SAY THINGS LIKE "ARE YOU GONNA TAKE CARE OF MAMA IF SHE GETS OLD AND IS CRAZY?" That's sick..and makes me choke just by thinking of putting that type of pressure on her.

Til this day she will say stuff to me like this.. "Are you going to put me in a nursing home?" and the answer is probably.. because I don't do well with illnesses and what not. My grandma slipped away before my eyes because I was too weak to watch her die. I just wish she would grasp how I feel...

Oh well..

Personality Profile..Psychology People Help Me!!

Okay I am so tired. But I need to write so here we go.

My mom is from Michigan, but she's taking this extended vacation away from home. She came here, went to the Bahamas last week, and she is now back at mi casa.

On the last visit I didn't tell ya'll that she opened my mail. She committed a federal offense in my own house. I was totally pissed. I felt totally violated. I am trying to keep certain things quite in my life, and she goes searching for shit. Not to mention I found 2 notebooks that I forgot to hide..Oops..

Anyway she is totally embarrassing. Has been my whole life. Not just by her outward appearance, because I must say at one time my mother was drop dead. Couldn't tell by looking now, and she has the power to change that. One thing I know is I will not be anything like her. At least health wise and what not. So my friend Allison comes over with her friend Ashley. *We say we are a backwards Oreo* I'm the brown filling* We went into the bathroom because I was getting ready to attempt to flat iron my hair. We were in there just talking for a few minutes before my mom comes and is like " Do you want me to go outside?" My reaction is like for what. She said to use the bathroom. Of course we exited. And my girl said that she saw my mom go outside. So she went outside I guess to pee...and comes back and is like oops I wet my pants. I just shook my damn head because nothing has changed. She has always been the one to do shit like that. I want to get a profile done on her, so I can figure her out totally. It's like she likes pity or something.

And then..I can't inform her about a lot of things about me is for the simple fact she is weird... Okay I've been recently trying to put this into a correct format that people other than me can get this..

I had a friend back in the day on my street who had cerebral palsy. Now I had been playing with the girl for sometime now..but on this one particular day as were driving past her house towards our house she goes "So your friend is crippled huh?"..and I'm like what a freaking rhetorical question? What did she expect me to say?

Oh and please don't let there be a handicapped person anywhere around her..boy she will point it out. I recall one time we were coming back from the Bahamas and we were sitting in the airport. And there was this girl..maybe 14ish with her family. She obviously had some physical and mental issues, but here goes my mom making it all obvious again. She grabs my hand and begins to thank God that her child is normal. I am like how freaking lame is this? And why does she have to do crap like that. People who have disabilities already have the shorter end of the bargain, and really don't need people pointing out the obvious. I just don't get her? My psychology people help me....What is her deal?

I love her, but she really needs to get a grip. Because mother or not, I've always been all about saying how I feel. There is a whole different story behind both of us that only we know. She and what she did to me made me who I am today. The good and the bad. I am just tired of her...HELP ME I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO CALL IT....

In a Land of No Judgment

In a land of no judgment
I would stand in front of no man
Who thought I was any less of his self
We would accept each other as is
Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual,
Autistic, Retarded, Touched
Bipolar, Schizophrenic…
White, Black, Indian, Chinese, Mixed
Man or Woman
No one should
Have the upper hand
Over any person..
In a land of no judgment…

But here I stand
in a land called America
Where I am suppose to be free
To have free speech
And to bear arms
Where we are all
Supposed to be Christians
And praise the Lord
Destined to follow the Bible
That blatantly says
“God is the ultimate judge”
So why do people constantly judge?
When they don’t have a law degree
And if you ask me
Those that do
Should only have any say
In anybody’s judgment day

I’m tired of haters
I know they are motivation
But damn why they always
Trying to ruin other peoples day
To bring precipitation
Down pours..
I never forget my umbrella
but sometimes the wind blows
so hard..I can’t help but get wet
during these thunder storms
Caused by human nature

Yes I have been afflicted
By human natures hand
But I checked myself quickly
Returned to my own land
Of no judgment
So here I stand..
And every body
Is starring @ me…
Judging

Negativity

Negativity
Is like a drug
Once you start using it
…..to your advantage
It’s hard to stop
Because it pumps
Through your blood

I am a lyrical genius
I know I am
And I can’t be convinced
That I am any less
Because I write down
My truth
And how I see it
Even if it’s ugly
I’ll uncover it
Because this is
My therapy..
and I need it..

I desire peace
How can anyone
Carry negativity around
Constantly?
When most of the time
The others didn’t
Ask to hear it
But they spew it at others
Something like those
Jehova Witnesses
Like spreading negativity
Is their job
And they’re glad to do it

Negativity
Can enter a conversation
Because one is self consumed
When one believes
That everyone is concerned
About just only you

So you imagine that
Your own little audience
Is cheering you on
When in all actuality
They wish you would
Keep your own shit
On your own lawn

I was told as a child
To keep what goes on
In this house
@ home
Because it wasn’t
Anybody’s business
But ours…
I just don’t understand
How some people
Can just go around
Telling all of their
Personal business
Like they are proud

Body Tag

Take 1 or more clean body shots preferably your favorites.You can either simply just include the pictures or even better give some description of what it is you like about your naked body. Also what did you learn about your naked body that you never noticed before?The whole point is seeing your body the way others do. Fall in love with yourself all over again and recognize those not so perfect parts. I believe our bare skin is beautiful and is some of the most beautiful art created. Flaws and all. It's also a representation of who we are beneath the layers, facades, and fake laughs. It's who we are in our purist form.Keep the tag going. Pick 5 other bloggers to join in on the fun and tag them by including their names after your post and by leaving a comment on their blog letting them know they have been tagged. I think it would also be great if you would let the person who tagged you know once you have posted your pictures.

AS I ALWAYS SAY IF YOU ARE GONNA EASILY OFFENDED PLEASE TURN TO ANOTHER BROADCAST

I was tagged by GoBytch and DreamyC

I love my breast…

After I had baby girl I thought I would neverrr get my body back…

Bam…look at that 34 B… Breast feeding does a body good :)

I took this picture the day of the field trip..when I didn’t get to go..and had to change..

I think I need a bigger bikini top..the small bottom fits L

That’s what I don’t like about my body..is my small ass..It is in no way flat..just small..

I didn’t learn much about my body except that I was ashy a lil bit the day of that pic. I was running late remember I was going to grease up when I got there..lol *Great Tan*

So I’m tagging …you will know..

06.whatever day this is.08

Okay…So I feel like shit. I think I am coming down with the flu. My upper back is all achy, and my appetite is gone. And I think I screwed myself this morning when I called and said I would be leaving work early *after the field trip to Centennial Olympic Park*..but I was going to get to leave shortly after we got back anyway, cuz I would have been there since really early. Anyway here’s when the day went wrong…Something told me to call work…I told them I was going to be about 13 minutes late because I had to drop baby girl off, and haul my ass all the way to the other side of GA.* Anyway…They’re like yeah your staying here Shauna only has such and such many kids *less than 8 kids but I didn’t hear that part because after she said you’re staying here I tuned her out* lol..anyway I heard toddlers which made it even worse. I don’t change shitty diapers on kids who can tell me they want graham crackers and juice. I’m cool w/ not going on the field trip, but I don’t do diapers. Ew… I don’t have to go to work right away now though.. she’s like “Yah, just get here when you can.” After I told her I was already in my bathing suit and would need to change..because ya’ll know I had to go home after dropping baby girl off to grab a bra and some panties.

The sun has kissed
my most intimate parts
all over
my body
the sun has warmed my heart

your UV rays love me
I turn from light to dark
because you turn me on
from yellow to brown

My body drips
natural juices as I frolic
with you
I have to protect my eyes
because you are too intense
and if I didn’t
I couldn’t bear
to stand up to
you stretching out your rays
to kiss me

and my most intimate parts

L. Guess

You were the first man..to take my heart

And run away with it

You were also

the first man to ever break my heart..

Because I loved you…truly, madly, deeply..

You and my mother didn’t work out…

I was 5 years old..when you guys ended

And I thought I had lost you forever…

In my bedroom I cried that night

..when I heard

The last and final fight

But that wasn’t true

Til this day you’ve never abandoned me

You had to work in Detroit

You had to do what you had to do

But every 2 weeks

I was there, right w/ you…

It didn’t matter that you drank…

Because I know you went to war

Vietnam…And that’s what it did to you

It tore up your heart

But I am happy..

That you took that torture

That you loved my mother…

Enough to create me…

And to bring me upon this earth

….To influence me.

My poetry

Is imbedded within my soul

Which is here..

Because of you…

And if you feel like you’ve failed

You haven’t

Because I know..You love me…

Lenny G…



You have suffered

And I understand more than anyone

The pain of having the feeling of..

Being left by a parent…

She left you physically

In her bed..night gown white

You were by her side…

When her spirit left you…

And you cried.. for the last time

You allowed your self to feel

To hurt…

Which allowed you..

To emotionally..abandon me

But it’s cool..

Because everything happens for a reason

I’m the last of your 3 girls

You hoped

I would be a boy…

I played ball

I know how to catch

But I love shoes..and purses best

You understood that…

Thanks for ur respect..


I know you love me..

And I thank you…

For allowing yourself

To love..

To lay down..

Your soul

To create me…

And now I’m here

Guess my Legacy

I'm on youtube....

Wow...I never thought I would ever see the day when I would be on youtube. It's kinda scary. I am proud to be apart of this generation!! So here I am on a photo shoot..they did a dvd..

and here I'm iz..

So I pray....

**Baby girl can ride her bike!! I am so excited. She looks so cute! And me and my mom taughter her* She came riding to me when I got home from work!!******



And so I pray….

I kneel down
hands clasped
praying to the sky
for forgivness
of every sin…
that I’ve ever committed
and every lie
I ever told
and every article of whatever
that wasn’t significant
that I stole
and every time I fornicated
because I thought it was LOVE

And so I pray…
that tonight when
I fall asleep
that I wake up
feeling refreshed
from all of the uncontrollable stress
……that life places us in
relentlessly giving us homework
there’s everyday test
and humanity is failing
and I need an A
so I pray for US

And so I pray…
that others can forgive me
of whatever I did
that may have cut them deep
for I am sorry…
that I planted that seed
for they are the ultimate gardener
I pray that they pluck
whatever I did….like weeds


And so I pray..
that if I’m really so dainty
and can’t bear to get my feet dirty
walking through this mess called life..
I pray that I can be delivered
and accept the creators help
because I know “IT” is there
and right now..
I’ve got faith in nothing but “IT”
and I know that no matter what
“IT” will never turn “IT’S” back
on me…
or my enemies..
who hate that
I pray on all of that..



*****Wow..Two poems for tonight...****

Hm..what to call it???

You mull over over me
because I am your muse
I give you inspiration
to do what you do
I hope it makes you feel better
to get it all out
but the one you’re creating for
has not intentions on viewing your art

You cogitate over me
because I am your OCD
If you weren’t fixated with me
who’s life would you abuse?
just because you are unhappy
and you reek of unhappiness
like bad perfume
but create on…
but you weren’t the first one
to write a book on “What They Want”
I am happy to be inspiration
for those with a pen
just sorry that I’m your inspiration
because honestly..you reek of negativity
pungent like how Cancer smells
just before it carries you away
to a different land

I know you will see
these words my fingers speak
I call a truce
because I desire peace
so continue to create
and scribble upon my face
it’s okay…
if it makes you feel safe
I don’t mind
I’m just not a fan
but I do wish you luck….
with all of my heart



And here's number 3....!! Good night...Blog...

It's a shame I don't have a title..

My soul
will be made whole
with my mate
where ever he is
and how ever long it takes
for him to find me
to cure this ache
that my spirit
is afflicted with
and that he will take away

My spirit
must be touched
I want love..
and from previous experiences
it’s something I’ve never done
all they have wanted to do
is “you fill in the blank” …….
and I need more than lust
and where ever he is
he’ll thrust all of his love
in the right direction
aimed, right @ my heart

My heart
is broken from a lover
whom I trusted..way too much
he wants me to be a scorned woman
but I could never be such
because what happens
is suppose to happen
and how can I be mad
at an uncontrollable dying love
all I can do I shake his hand
and say “Good Game”
because I’m a good sport

Good Game
is how exlovers
should look at love
because one fighter @ the end
of a boxing match is the winner
and only one team in the NBA
each year gets that ring
why can’t love be like that?
*Raises my hand*
because sometimes people
are afraid to let go
of Game O’ Love
and sometimes the players
just cant get along
after the love game is done…..

My favorite Summer Song

I’m what you want
I’m what you need
He got ya trapped
I’ll set you free
Sexually, Mentally...
Physically, and Emotionally
I’ll be like ya medicine
You’ll take every dose of me

Jeezy….

This is the best rap verse of 08'...I love this damn song thanks to Jeezy because after Usher married that ugly girl and had a baby *to hide his homosexuality I've got sources* I had to let go of my favorite RandB singer :( But I might have written Ush off too soon, because he was obviously smart enough to get Mr. Snowman himself to "make" this track..

I like it because I feel like Jeezy is rappin' bout me...when he is obviously not. Even though I have been in Jeezy's house, and met him before *one of my girls used to date him* I know that he's not, but it's almost like my girl called him and told him about what is going on in my life..and that's what he got.

I want somebody to say...

"I'll be like your medicine...you'll take every dose of me"

that is soooooo sweet.. don't ya'll think?

"Bad Man"

I was tagged by DreamyC and PCD...thanks guys

@ first I thought I wouldn't be able to complete this. But with the help of my handy dandy big ass IPOD *that has no video's or pictures, even though it is quite capable of performing such tasks* I was able to put my songs on shuffle..and this is what I got. I had a couple of mistakes where I hit the button twice, so it was messed up a bit. But here we go....


MEME Rules:


1. Put Your itunes/ music player on Shuffle

2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.

3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER WHAT!!!After you’ve answered all of the questions, tag 5 other people and then let them know they’ve been tagged to do the meme themselves!


1. IF SOMEONE SAYS “IS THIS OKAY” YOU SAY?
“Love Is Like Oxygen” Sweet
2. WHAT WOULD BEST DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY?
“Minute Made Mafia” Playa Fly
3. WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
“Testin My Gansta” Three Six Mafia *Haha*
4. HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?
“We all Die 1 Day” DJ Green Lantern *True*
5. WHAT IS YOUR LIFE’S PURPOSE?
“Immobilarity” Chef Raekwon *Who is Chef Raekwon?*
6. WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?
“Booty Call” Northeast Groovers *Wow that is soooo not my motto. Funny tho*
7. WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
“Shorty Swing My Way” KP and Envyi..*Probably all my guy friends*
8. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR PARENTS?
“Tha Hustlaz” 2 pac n 2 short *Dat's Right*
9. WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
“The Best of Both Hoods” Juelz Santana feat. Young Jeezy *Wow so true*
10. WHAT IS 2+2?
“OAR” Black Rock *Who and what is Black Rock?
11. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?
“This Ain’t What You Want” D4L * I would hope he/she wouldn't want me*
12. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
“Homies and Thugs” Scarface/Tupac/Master P *?????* *Do I like someone?*
13. WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
“Chilites” Toby *NOT MY LIFE STORY..WHAT IS CHILITES?"
14. WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
“Southern Smoke” Chammillionare *Um no*
15. WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
“Ticktock” Nas. F Alchemist
16. WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
“Lady Venom” Swollen Members *Probably*
17. WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
“Coming out Swinging” Eminem, Ghost Face and some more ppl. *Funny*
18. WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
“Shotoff” 901 Thugs *Haha*
19. WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
“Like That” BG *Don't make sense*
20. WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
“Many Men *Wish Death upon Me*” 50 Cent *At first I only saw "Many Men" and
I was like that is sooo not cool..But then I saw wish death upon me..and
that's prob. true.
21. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
“In Your Eyes” George Benson
22. WHAT SHOULD YOU POST THIS AS?
“Bad Man!” Murs


Disclaimer---- Foia did not program her IPOD. These songs in no way reflect Foia and her personal music choice.

06-07-05

Today 3 years ago I gave birth to the best thing that has ever happened to me.

She is beautiful, smart, and the joy of my life.

She IS the REASON I live.