I have not vanished. I will return shortly. This is not good-bye!

Ugly-Beautiful World

I see the beauty in anything
I follow my intuition
And it leads me to exactly
What I'm supposed to see
After, I get over the initial shock
There is a moment
where.i.feel.free

Free to know what really is
Free to validate my fears
Free to make the decisions that I make
Free to with both hands to cover my ears
Free to not listen to what anyone has to say
Free to throw up a bird

I see the ugliness of the world
It's uncovered to me daily
You better watch your back
I walk backwards through life
Carefully placing each step
Because 'you' may be playing with the enemy
Who's always smiling all in your face
While they plan...
Exactly where they're going to plant the knife
When they go for the kill
Which always misses by an inch or two
Because you're always ahead

The thing about enemies
Is that they are always revealed
And if you follow your heart
It will lead you to the truth
I try to balance out
The ugly-beautiful world
By staying true to my goT damn self
And always saying F you
I know what's in my heart
Because don't nobody mean me no good

There is a law of the Universe..Karma
Who doesn't leave me out of the mix
She has kicked my ass before
She's a chick so we are in no way friends
But she's done wonders for me
Because I repent
She's tied in with God
Who said we'll all do wrong
During this walk around
This ugly-beautiful life
That nobody but Jesus was perfect
So people kick the holier than thou act
To the curb
God let's Karma do the dirty work
While he tries to save our souls
And so do I

I won't swing a fist
Or utter a word verbally
But I'll write the shit out of
A bad situation
In the form of what I call a poem
That's how I move on
That's how I find forgiveness
For viewing some F*ed up shit
In this ugly-beautiful world

I have mental images
That will always be stored
Deeply embedded in my psyche
I am just happy
I have deep insight
So even if it's too bright
I can still see
The homeliest beauty
That lies within you and I
In this ugly-beautiful world

Yo....

I've got a series of unfortunate events that are happening so simultaneously in my life, that I actually feel like Muze, why in the hell is the person narrating my life deciding to take me down this direction?

Today started as a good day. I was jammin' to Mary J's new album all the way to school.I go to find my cell phone in my purse, while listening to my Professor talk about John Mark Carr moving out of Atlanta. It was nowhere to be found. Damn. I left it at home. I felt helpless. What numbers I do know are useless to me, because those are not the numbers that I needed to dial. I went to my second class, and debated whether to go home or not. I opted to stay near campus, but I had to get food. As I'm driving I hear this clicking noise. I knew something was wrong with my tire. As I pulled into the parking space in front of the building where my last class is located I noticed a nail in my tire. Damn. The last time this happened the man at the gas station just pulled it out, and said it didn't even penetrate the tire. I attempted to remove it with my key, but decided not to. I go to class exclaiming my problem, and praying that one of the 6 or 7guys in my class knew something about tires. How they were going to help me I don't know. I go up to my Professor who is not to be played with, and tell her my problem. I told her that I needed to leave early, and asked her if I'd be penalized. She said it would be one of the 2 times I could be late before my grade would be lowered. I'm like damn. I instantly go into panic mode. I already called in this week from work, because of the whole license ordeal. I didn't have my cell phone with me. I was nervous about driving a whole hour away to work and back with a nail in my tire. I was totally not focused anymore. I did horrible on the daily quiz for my class. Fuck it is what were learning about. Marxism really, but that's how I interpret it.

I stayed in her class. She let us out early. I thanked her, and I meant it.

I made it to work and home safely with the nail in my tire. My first class got canceled for tomorrow. I'll get the tire fixed in the morning.I conclude on that tip with it being an okay day.

***********************************

RSA
..Getting snatched up
In so many ways
By the state
Getting whisked away
By force and by violence
Due to the control system
The "man" has in place

Ideology
Is a common way of thinking
Agreeing on what should be
Or shouldn't be occurring
A path that follows the leader
A way to conform..
Repressive State Apparatus
Is the real world order
In this f-ed up world

I was hemmed up
Thrown to the concrete
by.clayton.state.
I believed something different
In my thought process
I believed that I was okay
So I tried to run away
But by force and by violence
They snatched me up
To a place..
Where I was supposed to agree and nod
To be a good little patient
And ingest medications
"Designed" to make me feel better
When I should have said "Fuck it"
A combination of manic depression
...and repression
As I conform to social norms
Which are Marxed on me..
Forever........

250th Post!

"I'd like to propose a toast..I said toast mothafucka!!" Kanye West "Last Call"

I love Kanye and his lyrical style. I felt that was important for you to know.. And that introduction to that song is hilarious!!


Time to get explicit
I'm searching for the one
To mesmerize me
The one who will force me
To jump into love
With my eyes closed
Which will lead him
Directly into my heart
And passionately into my clothes

I am a woman
Therefore.. I should not search
He should come find me
Riding in on a horse
And whisk me away to his castle
With 7 little dwarfs
And treat me like a Disney princess
But fuck me like a whore

I've got my own storyline
i'm.princess.looking.for.love.
Searching for someone
..searching for me
That is pitching straight
Who IS afraid
Of getting dirty
That's why he always wear gloves
Who would always speak to me
In the most sensual tone
Whispering so closely
Making me spit out
A fluid language of my own

Where is he?
mr.prince.searching
Probably somewhere lost
Too manly to ask for directions....




********************************************************

Yesterday was my Grandma's birthday. Rest her sweet soul. It is so funny how the Universe tells you things. I have been all emotional lately, crying and carrying on. I woke up yesterday, without even realizing the date with her on my mind. I couldn't get the image of the last time I saw her out of my head. We were in an airport, and separated by glass. We both knew that would be the last time would would lay eyes on each other. I had to turn on some T.I *Clifford* so that I wouldn't start crying again. Then at school I wrote the date in my notebook, and it dawned on me that it was her birthday. I need to pay tribute...Separated by the **********'s my Grandma's birthday has nothing to do w/ the prose above..

09.15

*Sigh* Today I woke up just knowing it was going to be a good day. I try to have a positive outlook on each day. That is until something comes to f it all up. I am the first to admit that one thing can ruin my whole entire day.

I get an email Friday from the computer fixer people at my school, saying that I left my license. They took it to public safety. So why when I go to public safety this morning all jovial just knowing they had my license, the woman told me they mailed it?? Now that wouldn't be a problem except my old address ie. baby girl's dads house, doesn't have a damn mailbox. We had a po box. That means when they try to take it to that address, the mailbox will be invisible. That's not that part that pisses me off, they didn't even have the decency to put my license in an envelope. That means there is no return to sender. She said they just dropped it in. With a freakin' attitude. Talking about I better be glad she didn't shred it.

Okay..

I evaluated the situation, and decided to walk away before I found a way behind that glass to punch that lady in her face. I see why they have that damn glass up there now, so people like me can't reach in and wring their necks. I walked down the steps, and immediately started crying. I had my shades on, and tears were just rolling down my cheeks. I know I turned red. Two guys stopped and even sat with me while I was freaking out. I couldn't even talk to them. I was thinking # 1. I don't have any money to replace a new license. #2. I can't miss school or work. #3. How can I stop myself from breaking down like this?

I called my job, freaking out also. I told my boss what happened barely, and she told me to handle it. She said it would be okay. She told me to calm down, and that it wasn't the end of the world. Well duh..I know this..but it still didn't matter... I couldn't convince myself of that then.

I walked from outside to go to the bathroom, and I started ballin' harder. Some girl was in the bathroom pretending to be in the mirror. Ya'll I wanted to scream at her, but I contained myself. I managed to stop crying, because I needed to go to the circulation desk in the library, to get some books they had on reserve for me. The librarian asked if I was okay. I shook my head no. She asked if I wanted to go talk to a counselor. I shook my head no. She told me that it would be okay, and if I didn't want to talk to them then I could talk to her. I managed to say thank you. Then I started crying again. How embarrassing. Tomorrow I will go tell her how much I appreciate her kindness.

This all was happening during the 10 o'clock hour, and my next class was at 11. I knew I had to straighten it up. I stopped crying for the most part during my classes, but random tears just kept falling down my face staining my pages. My professor for two classes in a row I think could tell something was wrong, because he kept looking at me all funny. I know he was like WTF?

I wasn't upset at the license anymore. I was upset because I'm tired of being like this.I hate holding everything in until it is too late, and then I just explode.I don't go out into the world fearing that I will have a mood swing in front of people. Maybe I should now, because that shit is not cool what happened today. I usually go into hiding when I feel uneasy. But what if somebody youtubes me?

Then my zip drive breaks @ work..ARGH! It fell out of my bag. I started to cry again. My boss hugged me and told me it would be okay. Goodness gracious, when I cry..I cry..Because I NEVER cry until my tears are built up that they overflow. I must say that I've cried an awful lot in 08. 8 is supposed to be my lucky number, maybe I need to rethink that.

I know it's probably due to me loosing my meds. I found them when I got home in a purse that I was carrying last week. Now my body has to readjust, and that means I'll be up all night crunk as ever. I feel queasy and whatnot when I don't take them, but I do get a moment to just chill. I don't feel as hyper when I don't take them. Anyway, I didn't do it on purpose. I am committed that I will not ride a roller coaster around life.

I hope that all of this greif is training me to not take things so seriously in the future. Even though, I've been this way my ENTIRE life there is always room for change. Just like Obama I'm all about improvement, and change. That is one of the reasons that I write, to help me pin point my faults. After I post this..A weight will be lifted, and can move on from today. Tomorrow could be f-ed up too, but at least today will be behind me..

I know I shouldn't let stuff get to me that is out of my control..I know, I know. I just don't know how to go about it.....I seek and I shall find...

*************************

I noticed today..
That when ever something
Goes right or wrong
Majorly.
That I dial your 10 digits
Instantly.
On my pink starry phone
I don't even need speed dial
Yours is one of the few
That I actually know
But why is that?
I ponder..
Because the reality is..
My pain is beautiful to you
It's like life's doing the abusing
So you don't have to
You get to take a break
While you gather evidence
To use against me next..

I believe I call
Because calling you
At one moment, in my time
Was the right thing to do
I want to believe
That there was a day
When you truly loved me
And viewed my pain
....as ugly
A mere scar that I worked hard
...to make disappear
I want to believe
There was a time
When I was comforted by you
But things are a little foggy now
And I'm confused
As to why I still call you?

What becomes of a dream?
To answer that..
....an end
We fell asleep to sunshine
And awoke to night
Dreams can turn into nightmares quickly
There was one point in our time
That we couldn't be told nothin'
We were smitten
It could be seen in our eyes
We talked about forever
Reciting metaphors and such
Declaring our love..
In bed together
We made magic
Our daughter
And for that..
I will love you forever
And if you didn't know it
Now you do
Cuz I wrote it..
Maybe that is a reason..
As to why I keep calling?
Oh well..
One day it will have only been a habit
That somehow got broken....

Sunday

Am I the only one who believes weekends are way too short? I feel like I haven't gotten anything done.I can't take watching my textual analysis film anymore at this point. I let one of my girls check it out, and hopefully she burned it. I say let because we are only suppose to be able to check it out once in a 24hr period at my school library, but I've had it for about 2 weeks. I would have someone check it in for me, then I would check it right back out.I got tired of looking at Bush. My goodness I can't wait until November.. Until then So Goes the Nation..

I can barely hold my head up. I can't find my damn pills. I suggested taking effexor, which is giving me these terrible side effects.I have withdrawal symptoms that make me feel like I'm dying.If I sit up too fast I will be coming right back down.Dizzy goes the girl. I gotta find them a.s.a.p. Because I feel tipsy, and I didn't even drink anything. I am very depressed about this test I took Friday. Argh..I read all of the chapters, but somehow I managed not to comprehend anything.I needed facts..not definitions. Again, too much information for 50 questions without narrowing anything down. Damn. Life.Goes.On.

Anyway.. Ya'll I told you that it was an epidemic of..

Men ****ing up.. In turn leaving us hurt. We then succumb to our wandering minds..

Another one of us has crossed over to the other side..



Lindsay is a beautiful girl right? But what is up with women who leave dudes alone to only get a mangirl? I'm so confused. How is there anything attractive about Sam? Now, I am not the one to be all caught up in appearances. I believe personality and swag can take over for a "ugly" face. I'm sure that's what Sam has going on, and no telling what else.



Lindsay was with Wilber back in the day remember?



Now she's kissed a girl..and she liked it..



I'm just sayin'....What is the world coming to?

****************************

Randomness

Today was a good day. I have some pretty cool professors. I think I'm getting a quality education. I love the small class sizes. It reminds me of how my hs used to be. A very cozy and intimate environment. No more than 30 something of us per class. I have a class with only 8 people. The professor is cool, and really personable. She makes sure you do your work, unlike some professors who don't care one way or another. She has been pissed at me more than once this semester. She speaks her mind, and she will let you know what's up. Everything bothers me, so I had to ask her what she meant by the comments that she made to me, about me. She told me that she expects a lot, because she thinks that I'm smart. This is the first time she was pissed @ me. We made up. Then I get her mad at me Tuesday,to the point where she was avoiding eye contact and walking past me in the hallway rolling her eyes. It's was hilarious! I felt bad. So again that bothered me, which made me crash what I had to do next. Then today I apologize again, and she said that she really appreciated it. I'm not going to tell you why and what she said, because eh..

So it's test time in all of my classes. The first real round of see what you've absorbed time. I have a FEAR that I've lost the true technique of writing. I believe that it's due to the fact that I'm a poet. I don't use punctuation. I've used too many ....... to separate sentences that I forgot how to write technically. I had this thesis due for my media and culture class yesterday by 2:00. I was sitting in my previous class taking notes, listening, and trying to work out my thesis. I knew my professor probably wouldn't be impressed. Her PhD is from Emory, and is kickin our asses accordingly. The thing is I believe that I am a good student, but I have to be guided in some way. Many of my classmates feel as if we don't know which way we are going. I don't think I'm performing how I know that I can. We are learning about fear in the media, and we fear her. lol. We just don't know what to expect. Yet, overall she is great at what she does. She is passionate which is good, but she is kick ass. She is my adviser also, and I must say that I should have listened to her when she said 18 credit hrs would be a lot.

I studied all night last night for our first exam for media and culture. Thanks to Red Bull I was able to stay up. I got up this morning fearing what conundrum I was going to encounter @ 12:45.

Fast forwarding to the exam. Her TA's give the exam. There is a time limit on the exam. I'm having an anxiety attack and I felt like I was about to pass out. They hand out the test, and I flip it over. It was 3 or 4 multiple true/false questions, and 3 short essays. I think I missed one of the multiple choice questions. It is possible with my luck that I missed all of the multiple choice. Then the essay part. My penman ship is not too pretty, but mechanical pencils help out a lot. I didn't indent my paragraphs. All I could think of was pour all of this information out on this page. I know she's gonna be like WTF? Next time I'll know better. Overall I think I emptied what I learned onto the paper. I don't know again with my luck I may have perceived it all wrong.
It wasn't that bad though. I still have fear in me. haha

Then comes this thesis statement. We were to pick a film, watch it, and analyze it. Not give the plot summary. I'm finding that to be the hardest thing to separate. So last night it finally all came together when I thought about all of the media cultural theorist ideas and how they related to my film. Today my partners and the TA gives me back their comments. *I called them baby B's. Everyone thought that was funny because they are just like her. No bull shit please. So I looked at it my comments and thought damn I type too damn fast, and I already know my words so it's kind of hard to catch mistakes. She again probably believes I'm not with it, but at least I'll know better *hopefully* next time.

I really love my choice of major. I am ready to become a part of that dirty world, because if you do not know it is grimy. From what I'm learning and confirming what I already know, is that media jobs and what not aren't going anywhere. Confirming what I already know is that there is a deeper meaning to everything that we represent. We are only presenting images in society. Nothing about life is authentic anymore. I am able to question authority, and critically think about the spectacles that are orchestrated around us all. Take for instance this whole Palin thing. I don't care if I spelled her name right or not, but the media is making a bigger deal out of this lipstick wearin' pig instead of focusing on the real issues. Hello, we Americans are hurting and all they the media can talk about is pork. I know that the world and society is tainted something terrible. It just dawned on me that I am confused. They are training us, giving us test and what not, making us understand theorist,so that we can go out there and work for the spectacle?? Life is a damn spectacle, and I'm confused why am I feeling like I'm in the military and they are training me to be okay with killing?

I have an Alice in Wonderland clip.. It's voice over. I like it. Pretty clever. Check it out..

Please Call Me Before....

Yo...

I think the heavens are trying to tell me something.

I hear..quit your job. I hear quit wasting gas. I hear that if I quit my job, that I can find another one very quickly. I hear..go cocktail. I hear more money, and more time to study and be a mother.

K.. A quick run down of my job. Everything was manageable despite the fact that I have no resources to keep the kids entertained. I mean the crayons are broken up and so raggedy. We don't even have freakin' hot water!! What a code violation. It's gross in there. You can find plenty of ants everywhere. They wanted baby girl to go there. I passed not only because that school is breaking every code violation in the book, but they don't learn anything there.

So the "manager" over me who hates to be there, decides that she's going to take a week off. Cool. It was Ms. Mo and Ms. T , and of course me. We had things on lock. Where things go wrong is when Ms. T who is 17 turns, on the radio and it was Young Jeezy. I guess some kid told their parents. She was deep in it. Somehow she talked her way out of it on the phone with our director.Then it was my turn. It was yesterday. I had no idea what to expect. She said something to me about the music, but she said she didn't hear my name in it. I was like wheew! Then she said,"Okay one of the parents came to me and you're going to know exactly who I'm talking about when I tell you what was said. Mikey *who is the little boy who is sooo cute, who is basically I don't know how to define it. The "normal" world would call him disabled. Autistic they say. I don't see it. He doesn't flap his hands or head from side to side. He can sit down and look at a book. He can climb all over the play ground and not fall. He plays with one toy at a time. And if something happens, Mikey is headed straight towards me with his head. He gets mad a lot, because he can communicate very well.* I just figured I would give new readers a lil back ground info.

"The parent said that you told Mikey that he was so intelligent in a sarcastic tone."

What she is talking about is one afternoon about 5:00 I was greeting this parent, who obviously doesn't know Mikey. She over hears me saying "OMG Mikey you are so smart." I said this because Mikey who is supposed to be Autistic runs from across the play ground to say, "A baby." Which the parent who told on me was holding. It was the sweetest thing in the whole world. I actually meant he is so smart.

Stupid bitch. Loyal readers you know I was gonna say it..lol.

I defended myself on the phone, basically telling her how I meant what I said. I told her that Mikey surprises me every day, and that I'm amazed by how much he actually interacts with his world if he's supposedly Autistic.

She told me she was questioning whether she made the right decision to leave me in charge of the pre primary after school program. I was like here it comes..Dun Dun Dun...Like Donald Trump.. "You're fired."
She told me she was taking my word for it, and she thinks I have a lot to offer. Blah Blah Blah..Wheew!

Then yesterday the manager lady who DOESN'T want to be there has the biggest attitude. To make a long story short, she asked me if the schedule was the same. I said yes. She goes into the room with the toddlers, and me and Ms. T were doing our thing. We had our broke down crayons, and some coloring sheets. The kids get pretty bored easily. The girls can sit down for a long period of time, but it's always those boys who run up to me every single time they draw a line or something. They hit each other, they try to poke each other with pencils. They are terrible. So, I decide a half an hour before snack time that I was going to take them outside. The manger lady who DOESN'T want to be there yells at me, "I thought the schedule was the same..yada yada.. " I don't think I caught an attitude. I just listened to what she had to say. "Okay" was all I had to say. I walked away. Pissed off. I had already had a bad day at school. No need to tell it. This crap here was way to much to deal with. Then Ms. T, and the manager lady get into it about sweeping the floor and what not. Then Ms. T calls the "director." Keep in mind that I talked to the director after Ms. T. Then after Ms. T leaves the manager lady came into the classroom, that smells like mildew quite forcefully. I turn around like WTF? A couple of parents saw the door to the hot ass classroom that has no air, and decided to enter and leave through the door.

She says " I don't know if you're trying to be funny and tell me something, but I'm put here to greet parents and their leaving out that door."

Okay..Ms. Leo<<<<< I try to keep it calm and collective. I put up with A LOT before I explode. But it was hot in there and I said, "This is not about you. Ms. J said that I can have the door open. It's hot in here, and you don't have to be in here. I'll send the parents in there." I was pissed off already, but my pissed off @ this moment is like I wanna cry. I could under stand why she was snappin' off, because she DIDN'T want to be there. I was hot, miserable, and needed to be studying. I think I handled it well, but last night I got the epiphany that I talked about above.

I was expecting to be fired today, because the manager lady was going to exaggerate the situation. I said at school to one of my girls that I didn't care if they fired me. I just would hope they would call me before making me drive an hour away. lol. So today when I get there.. No Ms. T in sight. There was some other chick with a short hair cut. The lead teacher said that Ms. T would no longer be with us. I asked her if I was in trouble? I guess not, because she asked me to go clean the bathroom, and the kitchen. Good, I didn't want to be with the kids at that moment anyway.

Then to make another long story short..The new girl who is 18, who ran the ASP last year decides to hand me a "new schedule." I'm like WTF? I didn't say it, thought it though..So I said okay whatever. I knew the manager lady wasn't going to have it. Remember that I only went outside a half an hour early, but here the lil chick was changing the whole schedule. Sure enough the kids couldn't sit through another 45 minutes of reading time, when I had already read for an half an hour. We let her crash and burn. We did her plan. The kids couldn't sit still. Manager lady and I at the same time say, "4:00 it's snack time." She said all frustrated, "well I don't know what you want me to do." We did what we do. Snack time. Then play ground by 4:20 :). She was obviously pissed off. Then the "director" who she babysits for comes and she starts crying. I'm like now I gotta deal with this. The director asked me what happened, and I told her exactly what went down. We let her do her thing and it didn't work. So we did what she established in the beginning. We followed the schedule she set in place. Now she feels torn between the schedule that she created, and this chick who she knows really well. She said she had to sleep on it. I'm like whatever...

We'll see tomorrow. I don't care either way. I just hope they call before they fire me. hahaha!

I have to go study. No poem tonight. Maybe when I wake up EARLY I will be able to do a lil' sumthin..

MTV: Randomness and a poem

First, I must say did ya'll see my girl Britney on the MTV Awards last night? She looked hot! I am so happy for her. She won an award, and she said just enough. She has made a total turn around. I knew it was possible. I also knew that man K. Fed is what brought her down. She didn't have all of those problems until she got with him. Nonetheless, she is still fabulous!!

Lil Wayne also did his thing crankin' that Roosevelt. :) I think guys who can ditty bob are sexy! I just wish he would pull his pants up. I find nothing attractive about a man with his underwear exposed. It's a sign of immaturity and extra-ness, and I will pass on that tip.

Tip!! OMG..if you didn't know I love him. His performance was on point, and he looked handsome as usual. Tameka and Clifford make the greatest hood couple. They do as they please, but they know where home is. He is sexy none the less, for a lil dude. I think it's mostly his swagger, and I must admit I have a thing for guys with an "Atlanta" accent. YUH!

Katie Perry..Luv the song.. But what did she have on last night? The top was cute, but where she went wrong is tucking the damn thing into her spandex shorts. You could see the imprint of her top. Not sexy at all.

Rhianna...is so hot. She is really a rocker chick, and I dig that. She looked amazing in all black *My fav color, besides purple*....Her boy Mr. Brown seems to be really supportive of her. I am happy for them. Now if everyone could stay out of their business Carter style then everything would be alright.

Relationship business is not other peoples business. :)

*****************************************

You walked out of that musty house
Where your..nightmare lived
November 2003, late at night
An ellipses in your last days
Because we are left
To fill in the blanks

Your grandmother
Sat at her kitchen table
Newport soft pack
Within arms reach
Martel and coffee
She had her weed
And her papers
As she picked
Out the seeds
She watched you leave
She was getting high
On your last goodbye

You were 18
But missing part of your brain
So they say..
I know now they never
Gave you a fair chance
At reaching your full potential
You were disadvantaged
From the start
Stuck in Stern Bronson
Special Ed..
A beautiful girl
Light Skinned, Long hair
In the black community
We are perceived
.... as weak
An object...
To share
Or abuse..
And overuse

Where you went wrong
is. that. you
Believed it..
And gave in
To any and every dude

You walked off
And ended up
Never ending sleep
They found you
Dead on the side
Of some Benton Harbor street
Nothing but bones
Had to do an DNA test
To identify you
Because they didn't have..
Dental records
Apparently, you had never been
...to the dentist
In your 18 years
Of life..
Total

When we found out
They confirmed what we already knew
Somebody snatched you up
And killed you
Where we come from
There is no hope for
One single clue
An unsolved mystery
Is unsolved alright
But your blood is still
Present on someones hands
Forever, until he joins you
In his own grave..

Your memory will not be forgotten
Not by me as long as my fingers speak
The truth and how I see it
Ms. Ashley
Because for you..
I will write...
To keep your spirit alive

Happy Saturday

Writing is truly a release, I tell ya. I feel so much better now. Even though the circumstances are the same and probably will remain as such, until a miracle is delivered.

I never go here..But ride with me will ya?

It truly amazes me how a person could try to knock another person down, and somehow expect them to be able to tolerate them. He started blogging while we were still living together. I was happy for him, because he really seemed to enjoy it. It wasn't until he asked me to read it that I found out he was putting mine and our personal business out there. It wouldn't have been so bad if he would have kept it in the online community, but he crossed the line when he gave his URL to every Tom and Jane that we knew. All of his family knew about it, and he even had the gall to post it underneath the articles he writes for "Rolling Out". I know lots of people in the "A" and most people knew I was Dr. Stephens future wife, so I couldn't understand why he would want to tell it all.

Then I shrinked him. I know exactly why he does everything that he does.

Not having his father in his life makes him need constant approval from his children. It makes him feel extraordinary good to have his children want to be with him. So he feels as if he has to control every part of their life. I was talking to one of my girls last night, and I had her cracking up. His first wife basically got little on his ass, and of course a mother is naturally going to take her child with her. That's a given. But he got big and bold so he claims, and went to go take the boy from his mother. I'm sure she went through a similar situation as this. She finally got tired and said F this. Take the boy, and leave me the hell alone. She went and got her another man, and now has 2 of his babies. He claims that she too was crazy, but she can't be all that crazy because she's been with the man she's with for sometime now. History has a tendency to repeat it's self. I will not just give my child up like that. Not with out a fight. She grew inside of me. I fed her and gained almost 8o pounds for her. I breast fed her, and my nipples were the one's sore. I made the choice to have her, therefore I am more important than any father. The Gardner plants the seed, but it is mother earth who nurtures that seed.

Then he thinks that he is so smart, that everyone else who doesn't posses a PhD is ignorant. Can't tell him sh*t. So that's why it feels when your talking to him that you're in a constant battle. He is always right, and he will let you know it. I didn't find this out until I was pregnant. It was too late. I saw the way he talked down to everyone around him. It was a turn off. I was down here on earth, while he was hovering above us all.

He has to be in constant control. He is a verbal abuser, and that also makes him feel larger than life. One day he will sympathize with me, and will be like "Baby what do you need?" "It's okay, you are a star." And then the next day, "F you folk, you are crazy." "You are a whore." Very, very confusing. I don't know whitchaway his emotions are headed. That is why I'm done. The next can deal with his sh*t, but not I.

There was a time where I was truly in love with him. He is the father of my child, so I will always have love for him. He needs help. He needs to go figure out his issues that he has kept deep down inside for so long. Because buddy's actions are showing exactly how he feels. That's the thing about being human, your feelings can't be hidden no matter how hard you try. It is very obvious that he still is stuck on me, or else I wouldn't consume his whole world. I wish the best for him. I also wish he would stop trying to disrupt my peace. It may be shaken for a little while, but I always return to a state of *whatever I am doing me*.


****************************
Is it possible
For us to be friends?
Or was our
Break up the last
Of us?
Being able to get along
And the beginning
Of a life time of stress

You used to be fun
You used to make me laugh
But now you make me cry
Which makes me meditate at night
On a day
Where I will be free
Long Long gone
From your sight
And finally living fully
For me
And our child

We didn't work out
And it's not all of your fault
But you put
The topping on our cake
Which was nasty
And had a sour taste
So I had to throw it away
And as we were going to re-bake
I got fed up
And walked away
Because you wanted to add
The same ingredients
Which failed on the first cake
I wasn't about to open my mouth
And experience the same bitterness
I sought out change
You demanded we stayed the same
So I left
And here we stand

We need to be cool
So our child can chill
And not worry about
Her parents fighting to kill
She deserves peace
And so do you and I
So I give up
You win the fight
I am sorry
For hurting you
I hope you know
That I wish you the best
Be we need to both
Grow up...
For baby girls sake

ROOOOOAAAARRRR!

Wow...The last couple of days have been interesting. I told you this week would be a doozie. My insight is always on point. I don't like to divulge all of my personal business on my blog. I choose and select what I put out here.

So this I will tell.

Things haven't really been pleasant on the home front. "His-story" probably has a canted version, so check it out. I get a phone call from my mother at work, and she's asking me about a poem on my blog. I'm like WTF? I have two blogs..myspace which is so diluted from what poetrynoir is. I asked her how she knew about my blog. She tried to say that her godsister kids are on my myspace and told her about it. But the particular poem she was referencing isn't on myspace. AH HA! So I asked her over and over again how she knew about it. She finally said her friend found it. Bull shit! His-story probably gave the url to her just to be spiteful. I think his motive was to tell my mother in hopes that I would take poetrynoir down. Nope! Won't happen!

I was at work livid nonetheless. I feel yet again like a little kid who's privacy has been invaded. She had the nerve to tell me to take it down. How dare someone try to censor me. Number one I don't use names, and I always add different details ect to most of the pieces I write. I AM A WRITER, AND I AM NOT SELF CENTERED! I CAN AND WILL WRITE ABOUT EVERY FUCKING THING UNDER THE HOT ASS SUN. Unlike other writers I don't have to give every single detail about my life. Of course I write about me, but I also speak from different voices. THAT'S WHAT PEOPLE FORGET TO UNDERSTAND. I know some writers who can't write unless the story involves them. How are you creating art, if you are the only character that you present to your readers?

My whole demeanor changed instantly when I found out that she read my blog. I had already been crying all morning, which I hardly ever do unless it's serious. I felt like I wanted to scream, or take a shot of Patron. I needed something to calm my nerves. My first thought was to take down my blog, since a part of my world has been invaded by people who AREN'T welcome. I know my blog is public, but I don't give my blog out to all of the people I know. A couple of people from my life know, but my mom! No! That isn't cool...but I'm not taking it down. There is probably some ugly stuff on here, and I won't take it down. When you go to places you have no business going, you may experience some unpleasant sensations.

Okay..I just wrote from my heart on this one. Right now at this moment I don't care...

Exposed
My art, that I create
Has been compromised
By on lookers
Who are better off
With their eyes closed
And not in my business
Even though they figure
That in my business
Is where they belong
Until I publish..
A book of my poems
I think I have a right
To filter my viewers
By not displaying my blog
To those who I don't welcome
Into this part
Of my life...
Who actually know me..

Poetrynoir is private
In the sense
That you can't search
Under my government name
And find Some Kind of Therapy
Cuz I go by FOIA *fwaah*
Poetrynoir is dark
It is my reality
And how dare anyone
Try to hush me...
Because it won't work
.....Just conjured up
A whole lot of
Hot air and wind
And tropical depression Foia
Has just been upgraded
To a hurricane
And I'm about to storm

So now you know
All about me
Being in the Hospital
Does it make you happy?
Does it make you proud
To fucking know
That you have a Bipolar child?
It's all your fault
And yes I point the finger
At you and my father
The gene generators
Ya'll could have made up
Where ya'll lacked
Nature vs. Nurture
But my tabla rasa
Was scribbled on
From day one
I was never a blank slate?
Was I?
Huh????
Nah..cuz I was Locked
How could I ever be free?
I felt trapped, often
But which led me to actually
Getting to know the true me
My lack of security
Drove me straight here
To "Some Kind of Therapy"

This may be hard to swallow
But even though I'm mad
I still love you..

I write from the heart
I write in the light
I write in the dark
I know myself
And there were many times
Material items were lost
And I know
I don't have much
But my knowledge of self
Is one thing I know
I will forever hold onto
No matter what

The places that I have walked
Have shaped the person that I am
I wouldn't trade the experiences
I've had for nothing
Because boy...I've got stories to tell
That's what makes me such a great
Rhythm-reflectionist
Because I view the world
And relay it back
How I see it..
Raw and Uncut
And I will write
Until the day..
My.Heart.Stops.
Like it or not
I am what I am
And if you don't love me
I can do bad all by myself

I don't want pity
I am not cause for concern
It makes me want to throw up
To think that you know
Keep your comments to yourself
Because you'll only make things worse
And yes I remember..
How you talked about everyone "else"
So go ahead an pray
If it makes you feel better
Tell people if you want
I am still a pretty picture
And from far away
No one can even tell
That my frame is slightly broken
So do as you please...
As hard as this was..

I AM FINALLY FREE!!

One last thing...
From now on when you stop by
Say hi
Those of you who "know" me
Why are you invisible?
That's kinda like spying
And that's rude
Going to someones house
And walking through their door
Not saying one word
When you know
What the home training rules...say
That you open your mouth
And say hello


I'm done roaring for tonight. The lioness is tired. In more was than one. I know I know..I shouldn't let things upset me..But I hope that I am understood, this is something that is worth my blood pressure being high for. My poetry, my words..my life..I write about it..That's the first process for me that helps me to let things go...


I am about to put my comments back to where I have to approve them first. So, please all of my readers leave your email because I'm thinking the blog is going private!

*******************Did ya'll watch Americas Next Top Model tonight? They have a transgendered model on there..And He/She is pretty..I couldn't believe it when they said it!! ******************************

I am so tired. I don't feel like writing. Sorry to disappoint you. I'll holla later on today!

Another man...disrespecting our bodies

My cousin got raped. Her name is Esha. She is two years older than me, and I remember looking up to her. I talked to my father and he told me. They guy climbed through her window. He also raped 3 other women that night. This happened right across the street from where I grew up. To the right of my house there was a school. My mother went there when she was a little girl. The city recently decided to knock down the school, because the last time I was home 2 years ago it was still standing. They built some houses on the lot. She lives in one of the houses with her two sons. They caught the bastard.

I really don't have time to finish this post. I'm going to babysit one of my old students and her baby sister who is soooooo chubby. * I heart chubby babies* I need to get ready. I gotta find out more info on my cousin.

I'll holla...

08 29 08

First, I must say that our future President Mr. Obama is amazing! GO BARACK!!



Okay, I am fine! I knew I would be. Up. Down. Up.Down.Up.Up.. I get tired, but not enough to stop trying. I have to write. Writing wakes me up to reality. Writing is my therapy..



What I learned today: That anti-social people can actually see the world for what it really is. Poets and artists are truly the ones who choose not to ignore the state of the world we live in. Spectacles are all around us. Now that I'm truly aware of this notion, I can choose not to take part in it. That's why I suppose most poets/writers commit suicide. ie Silvia Plath and the guy who's name I can't spell, that came up with the whole "Spectacle" idea when talking about the medias influence on us. I am a poet, but I am by far anti-social..



I had a really dope idea for a poem tonight..But I'm tooooo tired. So I will give something I say...impromptu... Have a happy Friday!!



I am a little girl
The prettiest little girl
In the world
That's what everyone tells me
I have blue eyes and brown curls
I love to wear dresses
And skirts
My mommy always tells me
To keep my legs closed
Because men take that as a sign
That they don't have to
Proceed with caution
And will want to take advantage
Of her pretty child
Then I will never be clean
And when I take a bath
It would be like..I could never
Wash the dirt off
I would be filthy forever

I never thought it would happen to me
Until my mommy got married
And my step brother
Touched me..

I was just a little girl
He was teenage boy
Who knew better
But he played with me like a toy
My private area raw
So I told my mom
She looked at me down there
She asked me what happened
I told her he touched me
The son of her husband
In a corner, and I told him to stop
But he wouldn't
Even though I screamed ouch
The friction of my skin
Against his hand
Left my skin swollen and red
And now I walk around dirty
Just like mom my said..


She told her husband
He couldn't 't believe it
His precious prince
The husband swore up and down
That step brother would never do such
That his son knew better
Than to touch a little girl
My mom knew he wouldn't believe us
But a mother always believes her child
That day we left
And we got lost
So I could be found
Because when step brother fondled me
I lost part of who I was
As a child

*********Was going to TRY and proofread..but I don't give a damn so whatever..


Okay..I have wayyyyy more good days than I do bad days..So today was one of the doozies I will remember forever. If you scroll down I said this week would be interesting.
I don't even want to try to put together a sentence right now. I am so upset at myself. This is what I love best, and somehow I've lost a part of me. I apparently don't know where to insert a comma, or maybe I'm just afraid
of the "overuse" of a comma? My word choices are iffy, and I just all around suck. Now, it's no ones fault but my own. Arrgh..I don't feel like going into specifics, but all I can say is..

I got broken down today. Again, I don't want to go into specifics. Let's just say I won't ever forget those words for as long as I live. Sometimes if a person knew who they were making a statement to they probably wouldn't say it. I know this person has no history on me, and really doesn't know the damage that it could possible cause. I have learned something so far in school that no meaning is fixed?

I could take whatever it was in two directions...

A. The person making the statement is trying to better me..

or

B. The person making the statement is dead on the nail..and what's the point of trying when I'm just going to prove them right?

Maybe the statement was made just so I could prove them wrong?

Which brings me back to you have to know who your talking to..

Sometimes things are better off unsaid.

*********************************************

Right now @ 10:06
I quite frankly could care less
About what happens to me
In this life before death

It wouldn't phase me @ the moment
If right now..
I was taking
My last breath

Because then I would be dead
And maybe
I can get a retake on life
Because in this one I failed

I don't comprehend
Yet, I always study
For every quiz and exam
Yet, I have a hard time
Trying to pass

An underachiever
Has been spotted out
By someone..
Who spots them the most
And they just proved
My theory correct
That my life is a curse

So right now @ 10:13
I wish I had a knife
To slash my veins
The only thing
I would overachieve at
Is being dead..

*****************************

I feel like being dark right now. I struggled to even put that piece of crap above together..I see myself hitting the other side of my polar. It's a whole lot of crap just piled on top of me right now, and I'm trying to juggle it. Right now though..I want to throw in the towel. I want to say F school, F work, F life, and I want to retreat to a life of sleeping. I may just do that for this week. I fought so hard to get back into school, and right now I don't care. I know this is probably my unbalance talking..but damnit if it remains unbalanced for too long I ain't got no choice but to fall. And that may make some people happy. Well just know they aren't happier than me.

I am straight though.I learned a loooong time ago in one of my psychology classes is that I have "all or none thinking"...meaning it is all one way or not.And usually when it's "not" I don't cope too well.. That is what I'm experiencing now..I feel like crap yes, but whatever happened today will either..

A. Motivate me to be the person I know I can be..

or

B. Add to the state of my deteriorating mind :)

Bad days...they all come..and they sure go..but they hardly every get forgotten.

Go Obama!

Well..she made me cry!

Go Michelle Obama! Boy can she give a speech...I hope to become a great orator like herself.

When her brother was giving his speech..I was thinking they really look alike. She is the spitting image of her mother. They all have the same teeth or something..She is beautiful though..and so are their daughters..

I am so happy...I am am always thankful for our ancestors who paved the way for us. I want to see this happen soooo bad. GO OBAMA! If that old man wins..I'm going to become an ex patriot. I would rather live in Mexico than in the US if this goes wrong..

Man..the whole story about her big brother and her having to share a room was touching..When she talked about being a mother I felt everything she was saying. Whenever she spoke of her girls I cried a lil bit harder. I mean I was balling. I would see my mother cry at like Princess Diana speaking, or at the OJ verdict, but I never knew as a child I one day would do the same thing. I definitely connected with her. If she can do it..so can I..and any other woman. Then she made me smile, when she brought up health care, and especially mental health care. She almost made me proud to be a citizen of the USA..

Hold up..Why isn't Barack there?

Anyway..her hair is fly too. I wonder if she's natural?

John McCain story compelling..Ha! Is he serious?

I'm digging the Democratic National Convention...


America
The land of the free
Was that term coined
Before, or after slavery?
Because if before..
I totally understand
Freedom was something
That could only be enjoyed
By a white man

But my ancestors fought
And picked cotton and tended to the crops
They cleaned other peoples houses
They raised other peoples babies
They got hung from trees
As a form of entertainment
They got sexed by the master
That contributed to our "mixed" race
And added to our confusion
A systematic approach to self hate

But I thank them
Every time I look at the sky
I am amazed
That their escape to freedom
All depended on the direction
Of one single star
They made the first steps..
By forcing the US..to set "us" free
Now we're closer than ever
To reaching something
I'm sure they never dreamed
To see a African American President
Run the country
Go Barack Obama, 2008

Monday

After this final last step
I will be free
But after I tell my parents..
My secret..
I am pretty sure
They will speak
And tell it... 2
aunts
uncles
cousins
and family friends
Then the word will spread that
"Something is wrong with that girls head"
In their presence
They will constantly pay attention
For signs..
That I possibly might just be going crazy
Right at that moment..
As I stand before them

Then I will need a tee shirt
Then I could be proud
But my parents won't be
Knowing that they have a "bipolar" child
They would pity me
.......And I would tell them
That it's all their fault
That I'm "crazy"
Somebodys genes aren't right
Or maybe it was just nuture
Whatever the case may be
"Ya'll had something to do with it"
I'm nothing but a product of
My mothers egg
And my daddy's nut
And the two mixed together
Created a daughter
Who happens to have bipolar..

******************************************

Yeah so still don't know what to do. I get all nauseous when I think of talking to my mom or dad about this. They most def have a mental illness stigma and they hold it very high. How can I say that I want to break downt he stigma for m.i. when I can't even tell my own parents? I just don't want them being all weird..I also know for a fact that the whole harbor-town will find out..hm? Should I care? I don't think so, but I do..I just don't want people questioning..is she going to flip right now..right here..right here..Don't fret..I got this under control..

Nonetheless, I'm sure this week will be interesting..

And it happens again...

We'll today is my mothers 50th birthday. I was going to call her and wish her a happy bday when I woke up this morning. But that was at 4:40 in the am and I figured she would be still asleep. So I rolled back over onto my stomach, and in the darkness I thought and meditated. Finally, I went back to sleep. I didn't wake up again for the second time until she called me. I wished her a happy birthday and whatnot. She told me that one of her clients family took her out for dinner. She continued with talking about how her lil man friend was going to order takeout and hangout with her today. The abruptly she adds "oh yeah I know you didn't want me to know because you didn't tell me, but I'm paying your hospital bill off." I'm like no she didn't just say that to me.

*If you didn't know in JUNE she was here visiting me, and basically broke into my mail box. She retrieved my mail. As I come home, baby girl runs from the back yard screaming "nana opened your mail." I knew she COULDN'T do that. Anyway, she committed a crime and felt that it was okay because I'm her daughter. I was pissed off, and hurt. @ her still treating me like a child and invading my property. No telling what else of mine she has.* Anyway, now it comes back again today.

She has known since that day in June that I had been "hospitalized" so why now on her birthday does she bring this up? I didn't say anything after she told me she knew. She just said that I don't have to worry now about the bill going into collections. I am mad and I feel violated all over again.

So I don't know what to do next. Do I tell her that her daughter has Bipolar? Do I lie about the circumstances that landed me there? Or do I pretend nothing is wrong?

I do not NEED a person that constantly is questioning me. "Did you take your meds today?" "Are you depressed or manic?" "Do you think you are suicidal?" "Your eyes seem a little dark and stormy, are you feeling okay?" Hell no! Like I've said previously I don't wear a darn shirt that says "I AM BIPOLAR." But some of my friends/professors (I was in some of their classes when it happened) do know. I know it probably crosses their mind , but they don't let me know it. I talk about it openly if they want to. They don't treat me any different. My mother will.

I always go back to that drive down Naiper Ave. in B.H. Michigan. One of her coworkers drove past us and she said "She's crazy. She is bipolar." WTF? I didn't know about me back then, but I hate when people mock people who have differences other than themselves. Especially disabilities. She did it again last week when I was on the phone with her driving home from work. She said, "You know such and such? Well the one who had retarded daughter?" I said "no" in a lower tone pretending to be distracted. I tuned her out from that moment on. I was thinking there she goes again. And of course I remember Alicia, and she had down syndrome. I didn't even want to ask her if she died since she used "had."

I guess this may be my opportunity to tell her exactly what's up, and how I feel. But I don't want to. I don't if I'm ready. But the up side to this is once she does know I can finally become the type of mental health advocate I want to be. I don't think I will be to fully achieve that status until I come out of total hiding.I can't wait until I graduate so I can start working on my non-profit organization. I guess of not now..then it will happen later.

I wish that I could be open with you
But you have been invading my privacy
Since I can remember..
You always apologize
Yet never mean it
Because you turn right around
And do it again
Thinking that it's your right to know everything
Because you're my mother
And I'm you're kid
But that's not how it goes
It's called trust...
And there is no way..
That I trust you..

How can I?

I had to hide my art
While living in your house
For the fear of being read wrong
But you still found it..
And made sure I knew ..
Should have kept it a secret
When you read..
That I had lost my virginity
When in all actuality
The poem was about my bff..Kourtney
I lost tons of respect for you
Because you invaded my poetry

Now your invading my life as an adult
When I am hundreds of miles away
I feel violated right now...
The same way I felt when I was 16
All I can do now
Is buy a safe..
And when you come to visit
I can lock all my privacy away

Friday Post!!

First, I must say...Art is a representation of it's artist yes, but when it comes to me and my poetry aka rhythmic reflections everything I write about doesn't depict my life. I write about the homeless, yet I haven't been homeless. I write about being a prostitute, and I've never been pimped. I write about being autistic, but I am blessed to be able to interact with the world around me. I write about having a son, and I have a daughter. I write about having a husband in the military, and I do not. I don't know how many times I need to emphasize that I write about everything that I see. I've seen happiness. I've seen death, suicide, murder. I've seen poverty. I view the world through many peoples eyes. That's what makes me so good. So please readers, when you read something dark..remember where you are..Poetrynoir!

Right now I am so tired. I am in no way a -wake up -before 7 a.m. person, and of my classes are early in the morning:( Then when I am done with 3 classes each day I drive a hour to work, and a hour back home. That is two hours out of my day that I could be using to do some of this homework that I have.

My kids at the after school program are still rowdy, and very disobedient. Today I am trying to read a story while the other teacher sets up for arts and crafts. One baby *she's 2* is being picked up by her aunt, and this new girl *she's 17* that they hired shut the door on Mikey's foot. Then instead of attending to him, she starts to ask us if the little girl had made a puppet. She knew already that she made a puppet because she saw me helping her make it. I was pissed by this point because she is really supposed to be there to help me. She is only 17, so therefor she cannot be left with the children alone!! So I take Mikey who is turning red, and screaming at the top of his lungs to the kitchen. I wipe his face off because he kept smearing his spit and tears all over his face and hands. I gave him some water, and he finally settled down. But get this..when the chick pulls back the curtain to the kitchen Mikey sees her and starts to scream and cry all over again. I mean big tears. He doesn't like her. Then instead of watching the remaining kids who are now running all over the place, she is fiddling with her IPOD. She started to play the "Cha Cha Slide". I'm like WTF..But you should have seen Mikey. He was sitting on top of the freezer, and he started to dance. He had rhythm! It was the cutest thing. I think I've found my special connection with Mikey. I have been observing Mikey, and I'm not sure if he is really autistic. He definitely has some social issues because he doesn't play with the other kids. Although he is totally into himself he understands the world around him somewhat. This I know for a fact when he saw that girl..."AAAAHHHHHH." Mikey...

I'm sure everyone
Who has a deep penchant to become
A great communicator
Have all sat in seats like ours
And felt the butterflies inside their stomachs
Flutter and fly around
They've felt a heart that feels to be beating so hard
That us nervous people are convinced that is audibly loud

It's almost like a thrill
A roller coaster of emotions
That can be hard to control
The deciding factor
Is will you or I let trepidation take hold?
........And cause you
Stumble over all of your words
Will you use filler words like..
Like or um?
Or will you take charge
Like firing a gun?

Nervousness is natural
But it is when it takes over
That's when it can't go unnoticed
You shake and shiver
As you struggle to enunciate each syllable
Your hands shake, and your legs wobble
You think everyone is laughing at you
But in all actuality they are probably
Just as scared as you..

I say just jump in
Either you will sink or you will swim
A cliche' I know
But what would life be..without them
They are true.,
Yet just slightly over used
Every time I have to speak now
I am going to try to remember my words
And take many, many deep breaths
Then suck it up..
And do what I gotta do..

Untitled

I know that struggles don't last long
I know that one day
Pain experienced
Will be memories in the present
And just something bad
That happened a long time ago
That was designed to teach "us" lessons
So that if we ever were tested again
We would already know the answers
To the questions asked..

That little voice
Named intuition
I often ignore
It always steers me right
And yet I rarely pay attention
To signs and clues from the universe
When I don't listen
I always get myself into trouble
When I could have avoided it
I travel through the tempest
I walk over fire..
I get burned
I find solace knowing that
Right sometimes is seen as wrong
And next time maybe I can save myself
From being hurt
If I just pay attention to the signs
Sent to me from Mother Earth...