I remember when*

Okay.. A lot of ya'll..*my blogger homies* have like a weekly segment or you know something that they write about in a consistent matter...

So I have one too..

It's called I remember when...

I remember when I was in kindergarten my mom bought me my first dog. I named her after Dorthy's dog on the Wizard of Oz..Toe-Toe..I don't know if that's how its spelled..but she was so cute..I remember that day we fed her oat meal at my grandmas house. My mom didn't bring any dog food apparently..and me and my cousin admired her. I would wake up in the middle of the night to hold her and rock her..Until she got too big and my mom put her outside..I eventually got disinterested. One time she had worms..It grossed me out..and things were never the same between us.

I remember when..I was at the park across the street from my house..Must have been a year later..they used to give free lunches and snacks in the summer time. So I was there chillin.. So my mom told my best friend at the time Damita to go get me and bring me home. Man..she broke my heart that day..Told me she gave my dog to the pound..I remember sitting under our phone that hung on our wall in the kitchen, on a stool..crying my little heart out.. I first experience loss then..

I remember when.. I fell out of the tree in my back yard when I was probably 7..See I thought I was the next Dominque Dawes..So I was doing what I called gymnastics..and Bam!!! The branch broke! My body succumbed to gravity..and I hit the ground.Hard!! Mouth all bloody..Sprained arm..I got messed up..But that didn't stop me. I still climbed that tree..Until I got old enough not to really play outside..you know I grew up..and we played double dutch..

I remember when I couldn't dance..I mean I was in ballet since I was 2 1/2..and I could do perfect pirouettes @ 4..and could tap my ass off @ 6..but when it came to dancin' like my cousins did..and everyone in my neighborhood. Hence my nick name "White Girl".. I was lost! I remember my mama calling me in the house after she saw me attempting to gyrate in our front yard w/ all the girls from the block..She said "Girl you aren't going to be out there shakin' your tail..All these men around..You aren't going to be like these fast girls" But she was one of the main ones telling me that I didn't have any rhythm if I wasn't shuffle ball stepping or doing pleayes..Lol..but behind closed doors..chile I was learning how to pop and drop it..and by the time I was in the 6th grade I was killin them in dance contest. I danced hard..

Speaking of dance..I remember when in the 11th grade. I had enough credits to basically do a co-op. I had always been a dancer..and a group of my dancer friends from my dance school were doing this out of school everyday dance class. Of course I had to be apart of it. I remember me having a car and not being able to drive it because my mom decided as my punishment the summer before that I wouldn't be able to take drivers ed. So I remember being embarrassed that I had to ride this big ass yellow bus all by myself to go dance with my prestigious friends. I remember being fed up..and sneaking my car out..all of the time..and finally getting caught..gettin my ass whooped..and her finally letting me do my own thing. *I got pulled over for having a tail light out one week after I got my license* wheewh..Neway...

I remember when I used to be shy to go across the floor. I remember when I was afraid to show what I really had. I remember when my teacher who was 40 something..and FAB! Down to earth..but she thought I was the worst dancer..Until..she told me in front of the whole class..that I shouldn't have hidden what I really had. And that I proved her wrong. She said she knew I was afraid and timid. I think the riding the bus in the beginning messed me up..lol.. She said that I should never be that way again in life. I remember all of my dancer friends..whom I still most of them keep in touch w/..And all guy dancers ARE NOT GAY!

I remember when I met Toi... Me and my girl I'll call her Tina..went out..We went to the Body Tap..Her ass showing me around the "A"...It's hood..I fit in good when I want to. * my peeps here call me New-New- thats a whole different post* Neway I had hips and an ass..Speaking of..I REMEMBER WHEN I HAD A BIG ASS! SIZE 7-9 OR 8-10...How ever it came..Anyway..We walked in.. We went to the bathroom. It was this beautiful girl in the bathroom. Thick..Nice face..and just badd. I complimented her outfit..cuz she rolled flyy just like me and my girl..She told me she was from the D..and me being from MI we clicked. But I let her..and she let me go about my business..

Anyway we walked out..and Tina..She peeped TI before I did. I was busy trying to do something else..admiring the purple on the wall..So I wasn't paying no attention when they motioned for us to come over. We went..They offered me a shot of Patron. I was a punk..in front of all of the stars..YES AND SAID.."MY MOMMA TOLD ME NEVER TO TAKE A DRINK FROM JUST ANYONE AND I DON'T KNOW YA'LL..".. I wonder if they could tell I was sooo scared!? Next thing I know Tina is telling me to come on..That Swiss Beats wants us to come along...

We get into her car..and follow them to this studio..It was beautiful. I was soooo freaking nervous..trying to play it cool..I knew what they possibly wanted..But I had my girl there..But her ass was a freak..so I was really scared..To make a long story short..Swiss did his thing in front of TI and all of his peeps..Tiny..her girls..but I didn't want to be in the studio w/ them..I was not a groupie..they picked me..but that's how I felt..

Toi, Tina, and I began to talk over some drinks..We exchanged numbers..she said she would call me..The next thing you know she was up and out. And all of TI's ppl.. Me and Tina were left. Swiss found me..and brought me into the studio..and was playing the TI song he was producing..The white guy mastering it was tired..and Swiss was like "Get used to it dude, if you want to do this". It was like 5 am..and my ass was tired..But white dude left..my girl was in the same room dozing..buzzed..And Swiss and I just danced..Boy. That boy can dance his ass off. I'm from MI and we step..and he can step and bop is what we call it..We talked about his wife..and I asked him why he sought out other women? Ya'll know the answer..the same one they all give..Neway..they are divorced now..So I see why. He wanted us to go back to his/and his cousins hotel room..Lord knows what they wanted to do to us..I couldn't do that shit man..A lot of girls would have..I had been there done that..not being the number one chick...I wasn't having it AGAIN..Now if I would have been single..and he would have been..TOTALLY DIFFERENT STORY..I would have gave him some..and he would be writing songs about me til this day..YA'LL SEE WHAT I DO TO THEM..LOL.. Neway..Toi..I started kicking it w/ her hard..She was Jeezys girlfriend/ manager before he became who he is. So she had inside connections. Me her and baby girl chilled during the day..and just me and her @ night..We went here and there..I saw him and her..Heard about this and that..and I saw a lot. We don't talk any more..That girl had more numbers than anyone I've ever met..Somehow we lost track..Anyway I remember when I was amongst the stars..

I remember when..I had the hugest crush on this boy that went to my high school. He was white. His name was Jedediah. He had like 5 hott brothers or something like that. I called him Jeddy bear. At this time he was with Amber. And I was with Jonny. We were feeling each other though. But the timing wasn't right. I was convinced that this was simply a crush that would pass..and I was going to marry Jonny and have pretty little mixed babies. Wherever we went wrong. He was jealous and controlling..but a real attentive boyfriend..Oh well.. We went our separate ways. I was a senior in high school. He had graduated the year before. Got a job as the football coach for our middle school..and that's where it began. Boy..we had fun..while we lasted. His dad was a little more than racist..so I didn't feel comfortable really. I don't really remember what happened between us to end. I know it wasn't anything dramatic. God gave him the littlest gift that I have ever seen to date though. I made it seem grand! All girls do! But I remember that I could be free with him. I am sure he harbors some of my deepest secrets. I remember him being a really good friend..and boyfriend while we lasted..

Morning Vent

I need to vent...

I had the scariest premonition last night. Most of my premonitions come true..So I don't bullshit around.. So I texted him and said that he doesn't have to come by and get her. Since we don't talk because all he does is yell..we go through our sitter..and I told her to tell him to pick her up from her house...You think he comprehended no. Then I get all these text messages talking about I'm a liar this and that...HA! And that's it's about what I want..TRUE..I want her to play w/ kids and not be cooped up in that store all day..and I want her to be cool when she is @ his house..No air conditioner..No baby girl..Plain and simply why should she have to suffer? And he always replys "PPL didn't used to have air"..yeah that was before it was invented...
He could have had time with her..but he chose not to listen to my directions..His bad..

She doesn't need to be at that store all day w/ him w/ out any kids to play w/..He doesn't understand that.

He's so obsessed w/ lying because he does it all of the time. Sure I've lied and told him I was somewhere I was not...BECAUSE YOU DON'T BELONG IN MY BUSINESS!!

I put in my text msg that said the he doesn't have to come by..that I'm not trying to hurt him..His reply is hurt is hurt...HA! I know he writes nasty stuff about me all of the time. HE IS OBSESSED W/ME! And he's so sick that he can't even realize what he's doing..It's like some people go back and read stuff that they've written that they shouldn't have..and go back and erase it..Not him..he tries to make it nastier and nastier. Sick! The thing is he thinks he's hurting me..but it makes me smile to know that someone has me on their mind so much..even though it's in a sick way..He told me to pray..Lot's of people are in agreement..and we pray that he gets well..

Once again..I hate writing about shit in my personal life like this..But I felt the urge. Oh and can one of ya'll bloggers who visit his site..suggest that he shouldn't put our daughters picture in the comment box..or on his blog at all..she didn't give his okay..and he looks freaky holding her w/ his shirt off. Thanks if you could!

I'm sure today I will get all types of text msgs from him. It's cool because I'm already dressed for work..meaning I have time to stop by the metro store when they open and block his text..I won't be able to see his..but I can send them..Matter of fact I'm going to block one more person that is bugging me.Neat huh?

Where is Obama Girl When We Need Her? N more Randomish

I *heart* the Warren Ballentine show. So this morning as I'm driving to work and listening to him like I do every morning..I hear about The New Yorker showing it's ass. I don't understand why people have to hate. To me when ever a person does or says something negative about a person..that means that they are jealous. Just like in the J. Jackson case. He is mad that Obama will be the President, something he never had a shot at because back then even people thought he was a joke. I remember seeking Mr. Jackson at the high school in the town I grew up in. I was maybe 4..I knew he was a joke then..I don't know how but I did..

Anyway..I am appalled at this. And who ever created this drawing should be damned. It's not right..and no matter how much they try to taint his campaign. I believe that he will be our next President!

************************************************************************************************

I know exactly

What unhappiness

Can do to a person

If they can't handle it

It rips you apart

And hardens your heart

Your blood becomes cold

And you ignore

What ever right..

You've been told..

I know exactly

How unhappiness

Can ruin lives

It makes one hateful

It makes one despise

The things they once loved

But unhappiness

Likes to wear a mask

But it takes a stronger person

To rip off the disguise

Of unhappiness

And rise above

The madness

I know exactly

When unhappiness

Takes over a person's soul

When they can't focus on

Anything...

But what caused them harm

They live and breathe

The things that

Other people have done wrong

And everyone else realizes

That they are unhappy

And are basically

Waiting for them

To get over it..

And move on...

I know exactly...

Who unhappiness affects

Those who are weak minded

And those who constantly

Dwell on the past

Those who cannot move on

Those who live in hell

Those who will never know

Happiness...again!

*********************************************************************************************

So I don't think I'm done growing...My knees hurt like they did when I was a child..I guess they call them growth spurts..OUCH!! It hurts...And for the past 2 days or so I've had the worst head ache. It moves from the left side to the right side of my body. If I move my head downward you know to pick up something up..IT THROBS!! I don't like swallowing pills so there is no chance that I will be taking anything. But right now I'm in pain..and the whole pressure point thing that is located between the thumb and pointer finger isn't working.. I was planning on flat ironing my curls out..but I braided baby girls hair tonight in cornrows and beads..so I'm tired...I guess I will look wild about the head again tomorrow...at least I looked pretty today. I had on a white and polka dot dress. It was fitted @ the top and flared out..I *heart* dresses. I feel so feminine. And plus they are cool down here in this Georgia weather..Speaking of Georgia...Hello to all of my Georgia readers..Don't be shy..you can say hello!

Neway ya'll I'm about to lay it down..and dive into my dreams..Ohh speaking of dreams..I had a really good one last night. I was with someone..who I've never met..but who was simply gorgeous..dark features..beautiful eyes..We held each other. We came together. I woke up hott!! I didn't want it to end. Hopefully one day soon I'll be able to experience my dreams in reality. Anyway...That was for the grown folks..kids I hope ya'll weren't paying attention..

Bath Day

Man I hate to sterotype people..but "bath day" can only be conducted by white people...



Since I've been working at this Montessori school maybe 5 kids participate in "bath day"... They are all white.



When I first heard the other teachers talking about "bath day" I couldn't believe that people actually planned days for their children to get cleaned..



In my head I'm thinking...These little rugrats are outside for maybe 3 hours each day, rolling in and throwing wood chips. They sweat and when they're done playing they smell like all of great out doors..Ya'll know that smell that you get when you stand outside even if you don't play? Well imagine it on a child who does play..PU!



One of the elementary students was like " I don't have to take baths on Mondays, Wendsays, or Fridays"... I was thinking that's why you smell like that.. lol



I know my baby girl takes a bath everyday. Mainly at night..then when she wakes up in the morning before I get her dressed I wash her up...and reapply her lotion and powder. One thing I can't stand is a stinky kid. Kids are a reflection of their parents, and I believe when you look at my lil one you see perfection...



So what do you guys think..Parents or not..What do you think about "bath day"..Is it a cultural difference, or a hygein thing?

Late Night Thought

I want to be touched
Where ever my
Future lover is
I hope they hurry up
Because I’m tired
Tired of being..
Hurt…

7-12-08

I just don't understand some peoples motivation for the things that they do.

I really could care less where their motivation for their actions came from as long as it doesn't involve me.

But when it does.. I have to step back and ask why...

This is my blog correct? Rehtorical question I know..

So that means I should be the only one inviting people that actually know me to my blog..correct?

Well that's how I feel..but people constantly overstep their boundaries when it comes to me..

This is my home..

So it is totally unexceptable to invite people over to my house when you don't live here...today and tomorrow..

I can forget about yesterday...and hope that it doesn't happen again...

But I am sure that this will not be the last time that I will be violated..

And quite frankly I'm immune to it now....

I just laugh it off... and realize that...

Those that are constantly paying so much attention to me...

Can't possibly have time to focus on themselves...

Damn...

Well welcome *you know who you are* **HUGS**...I'm sure that you were invited here to see the other side of history..but it's rarely ever here..because my attention is else where! But I hope you make yourself @ home..and enjoy yourself.

I'm back!!

I had to step back for a minute
So I could properly
Put on for my City :)
I’m a Supa-Nova
Waiting to explode
Haters get ready
Cuz I’m good for putting
On a show

I’m a lioness
A true Leo
At heart
A protector
And a nurturer
But if you cross my path
And leave your scent
Where I roam
More than once!!
I’m bound to pounce..
And sneak up on yo ass
Remain hidden
Yet, very diligent
ROAR!!
Really loudly
Just to scare

So please leave me alone
If you seethe Negativity
Because ya’ll know
Lionesses don’t do nuthin’
But hunt and sleep…
So if you don’t want
To be my meal
Keep the drama to ya self
Ya dig

Just thought I would let you know
Who the star is you gaze @ from afar
I’m down to earth
But people would
Like to see me be dim
When they know
I’m too fucking bright
To be from Venus
I’m an alien to Earth
Searching for Mars
But there’s no life there
And it’s too far

I am honest
I’ve fucked up
More than once
But I know
I’m a good student
In this school called life
Now, I don’t have a 4.0
Because sometimes I forget
To revise my notes
I forget to pay attention
To the most important
Lessons that I’ve been taught
But that’s apart of this school
Learning how to get up
After failing
After dropping out
More than once
I had to realize
School life will always be here
Until I die…
So I’ve learned to suck it up
And study those dreaded notes
Attending my detentions
Excepting my In-School-Suspension
Sitting here right now
In my desk
Prepared…
Waiting for Lifes next test



Yeah... I am very very very tired people!! I think I'm going through menopause or something early because I've been having these hot flashes. Mainly at night..I'll wake up and my tee shirt is usually soaked..and of course my flat ironed hair is sweated out..so it becomes curly..I've slept for maybe 4 hours each night all week..So I don't know if what I just wrote is even coherent....



You can't make yourself feel love

If it's not there

You can't in anyway possible

Force yourself...



Sometimes the perfect picture

Is right in front of you

Your eager to buy it

But after your purchase

You realize it's not quite

Exactly what you wanted

So you decide to return it

Because you couldn't

Stand the sight of

The Art you once loved

Not one minute longer



That's what love is like

One day it's daylight

The next day it's night

But the most important

Thing to remember is

There is always another day

Another love...to treasure

Then to throw away



**************************************************************************************************



So.... nice to meet you femme

I'm a girl who wants to be a boy

Always rockin Tims and a tie

On the streets they call me

Sir Swerve

Because I go down so good

Yeah..it's true what you heard

I'm that one who does it better

Than any boy

and even though

I want to be one

I'm still a girl



So what about that

Let me turn you out

Show you what these studs

Are all about

Got me all on your jock

Got me wanting to

Take off my bra

Drop down my boxers

Tie your wrist

To the bed w/ my tie

Lick you all over

W/ my tounge

It's not natural

But it's almost the same

W/ a strap on



So what about that

Lil sexy ma

I heard you braid

Come braid my hair

Let me talk to you a lil bit

And maybe you will

Come around

To letting me do

What ol' girl

Writing this

Mentioned above....





Hahah...okay..I have always been baffled..as to how a chick could want another chick who acted and basically wanted to be a boy..If they wanted a boygirl..why wouldn't they just get a boy? I think lesbianism should consist of two beautiful females loving each other..I'm sure most guys do too..Huh? Ya'll wouldn't want to see two studs going @ it right? And then what's even more confusing is how two studs can get together...I see it all down here so I just observe..



I hope I entertained ya'll tonight...gave ya'll a lil bit of variety...



Have a good Friday...

.....

Hey guys!!

Thanks for all of the support. I will not post your comments this time, because I know some of you are riding both sides of the fence..but thank you for the kind words.. Ya'll know who you are!

So yeah I gotta get on the phone with comcast because my internet has been down for a couple of days now..So that's why I've been absent.

I know will have a lot of catching up to do for the blogs I visit..

I hope everyone is having a good day..

I'll holla when I can..

HIP HOP VS. America

I really like this Hip Hop VS America show that BET is doing..

First of all..I grew up 'watching' MC Lyte..I saw watching because I was probably 3 or something but I remember being with my older half sister listening and watching her on videos..

I really didn't like the first part though. They had all of the male rappers up there..making a bunch of noise. Just like most of them do in their music..

The second part is pretty interesting. I am watching it as I am writing this...

I believe that Hip Hop isn't going to change..

Like Wayne said "Money, Cars, Clothes, Hoes...I'm from the ghetto so give me my.." Most of us..who didn't grow up in the "Baldwin Hills" saw some ish growing up. I know I did.

I saw girls @ 14 w/ babies. It was cool to be "fast"..is what my mom used to call it..

There were no jobs really where I'm from so there were a lot of drugs, lots of junkies..

Lots of girls looking to get a dope boy..

I've seen blood on the streets after somebody got shot..

I've seen a lady's hand that was almost severed in the projects..her man did it..

I've seen people start drama just because there is nothing better to do..

When I was little I used to give my cousins in the projects my "real money" in exchange for their food stamps..Back when they were paper.. lol.. before I knew what the "project" were..I thought I would go there and see all types of experiments..Ha!

So this is reality to people who grow up in urban areas. That's why most of the art of Hip Hop artist rap about all this grimy stuff. Some of them are fakes.. haven't experience what they rap about..

If they haven't they should rap in second person.. They should never say I..

I write all of the time outside of myself...I watch and observe..so I can write about it later..

We have to separate the two.. Until then it isn't going to change..

And as for the "video models"

It is a good job to have. I wouldn't mind having a gig or two..Depending on what it is..

I would def. pick and choose...but my ass isn't big enough.. That's what's wrong with Hip Hop right there..

Would I show my ass if I had one on the front of KING..Hell yes..lol..but I don't so that is just a fantasy..

Anyway..I pray for HIP HOP..because I feel like it's left me..when it actually helped raise me..

The Quietest Relationship

I've been wanting to do this post for sometime now.

I really don't talk to much about relationships. Mainly because I'm tired....physically and mentally of relationships. I am exhausted to the point where I'm unsure if I can begin to focus my attention on anyone but myself. Men are in question to me now. I am watching and learning from my male friends. I always have been one of the boys. A pretty boy they call me. I can maybe count on one hand the females in my life that I would call a friend. Of course I am taking note of the relationships of the females in my life. But my boys..like I've said before..man I love them all.

Me being one of the boys is the reason why I don't fall prey to those guys who have an ulterior motives. My boyfriends who I always tell that I don't have many female friends..and that I will sometimes go hang out with my guy friends...the boyfriend always says that the guys who are just my friend...always have a fantasy in their mind that they will one day have me. I've heard it time and time again...and I'm thinking am I really that deal for them to be trippin like that?

So this leads me to what I really wanted to say...The cool factor in a relationship between me and my partner is very important.

If we can't laugh and talk...there is no point..

"The most important part of a conversation is silence" Some lady on BET "Hip-Hip Hop Vs. America"

I talk..you listen..

You talk.. I listen...

I will hang up on you in a hot minute if I feel like I can't get a word in...Or in life..walk straight away because I do not like to argue longer than 1 min.. It makes my chest tighten up.. I don't think people should interrupt each other. It's called respect.

Then here it is...my whole point..and I have the best example..Over used..But the best...

What ever happens in our relationship..should be between us..and only us..

I do think there is an exception..if you are in therapy..because it goes no further than there..I don't even think relationships should be discussed with "close" friends..because people knowing too much of the business..is not smart..because people talk..friends or not..

Jay Z and Beyonce- Since the beginning have never talked about their relationship. Sure we always saw them together but we never knew anything. To the press they were untouchable..

Now back to most peoples reality..where there is no paparazzi following your every move.. In your relationship you tell it all...

You smear your partners name in the mud. And what's missing like in the US Weekly magazine is the truth. Privacy is the most important part of a relationship I believe.

Beyonce could be a man, she's not, but my point is we would never know.. Jay's feet could reek..but we wouldn't know..

So here is my question..

Would you stay with a person... In a relationship..

Or even be able to be cool if your not in a relationship...

With a person..

Who told all of your business..and like "writers" take your story and twist it to fit their emotions or views? Who only told one side of the story..Theirs..?

But then let's take it a step up..since my example is B and J..

What if your business and the relationships business is displayed all over the place..on the internet, in books, in articles..ect?

Stranger...

I have been gone for a few days...


I needed time to take in....


The nonsense happening around me... * I have a lot to write about* This post isn't it..


This is a very passionate subject....


My child...


I know half of the blog world thinks that I am a bad mother... and quite frankly I laugh at that thought.


And if you don't know..


I could care less what people think of me..


Because the people who sit back and judge me..


You have no idea...how much I love...my baby girl...


If that is you. Please take a look in the mirror.


*Disclaimer* I do not put my babys girl business out for the world to read. I don't put pictures of her up..because who know's hands they could get into. There are sick people out there, and I want to protect her from that. I won't put her name out here. Though it already is. Even though her image has already been viewed by I don't know who. But that wasn't my choice. I choose to keep her away from the life of the internet. That is of course until she can read/type..and make her own decision to desplay her image. One of my mentors who is a writer and has children conciously made a decision not to write about her children. She didn't want the world to be privy to their childhood. Some things are meant to be private. But this one..I couldn't hold back*****


I have a deep, in touch intuition.

My motherly instinct are so intune to my child. * I wake up right before she does EVERY TIME!! I haven't slept through the night in almost 4 yrs..you gotta count being pregnant** I learned in psychology that response has something to do with our hippocampus. **

Anyway...


I went to work early Thur. and got off work early.


Something was telling me all day to go to baby girls fathers store.. to pick her up..


I didn't call...


The element of suprise..


You always get caught when you aren't doing what you are supposed to do..


Traffic was bad anyway on my normal route..so I had to go through the city anyway.


I get to his place of business...


I notice cups of beer as I walk up..sitting next to his broke down friend.. I say broke down ya'll cuz that's how he looks. He was there during business hours so I was assuming he didn't have a job. I was upset because they were drinking around my daughter. I couldn't see them drinking apple juice.


So I go into the store and yell over the blearing music.."Where is 'name of my daughter?"


"She isn't here...I needed some more tags so she went w/ Angela and her husband to the store"...


"What store? And who are Angela and her husband. Don't let her go with just any body. I don't know these people"..I was fucking pissed..


"Angela watches the cash register when I'm not here. They went to CVS..They'll be right back".


"Oh." I walked out side..and sat down in one of the chairs. Livid..

I'm looking at this little bitty poodle tied up..


"Who's dog is this?"


"Angela"...I'm expecting a 30ish-40 year old..


I waited for about 15 minutes and CVS was right around the corner..and I'm like where is my child..?


"Do they have her car seat?"


"Yeah they in my car"...


"Well can you call them please?"


So he called...then he's like why don't you just leave her here. I thought you said I could keep her tonight? Blah Blah Blah.. But he obviously wasn't keeping her because she wasn't with him then.


No answer..


I felt hurt and betrayed because I don't never have let her be with random people.

I'm pissed...


Then I see my daughter walking with a balloon hand in hand with a "chick" no older than me. First thing I'm thinking is where is the husband??? Cuz I know that "racist word" said Angela had a husband. She didn't have a ring on..yes I looked when she got close enough.


Angela and my daughter were at the other corner crossing the street.


When she gets in distance to where I'm standing. I take my daughters hand..


And say " I don't let my daughter go with strangers. And I would appreciate it if you wouldn't take her with you any more. Please don't let me see or hear about this happening again. Nothing against you I just don't trust people with my daughter that I don't know."

How often does this chick drive I'm thinking if she didn't have her own vehicle and had to use his rental car? I'm sure she isn't on his insurance and what if something would have happened. HELL NO!!


Okay..first off...


I know ya'll are thinking ohh she's mad cuz her child's father is probably messing with the girl who he claims watches the cash register for him and takes our daughter and his son to get food and stuff while he's busy..


Not! If he is.. I would be excited. Because maybe he would stop focusing on me so much.


BUT I'M MORE MAD THAT SHE WAS WITH SOME CHICK WHO I KNOW HE DOESN'T KNOW FROM EVE.


I wouldn't have been mad, maybe a little concerned, if she was with maybe his friends wife that I've met before but what was he thinking?


I WOULDN'T EVEN LET PEOPLE HOLD HER WHEN SHE WAS A BABY..SO SHE HAD SEPARATION ANXIETY FOR 2 YEARS WHERE WE COULDN'T LEAVE HER.


I know deep down inside that he knew that I would be pissed off about this..

Now people I'm going to throw another twist in here. Bugs in GA are like terrorist. I hate them. So I try to stay away from areas infested with bugs. I have never had a tick latch on to my body. But my daughter has had 4. She is only three. She did not acquire these festations around me because when she was 24mts when she had her first one I didn't let her go outside. And if I didn't find them no telling what could have happened....

I know he will probably read this. I don't care. He doesn't comment anymore, but I know his eyes are watching. I think he is an excellent father* but when it comes to hygiene he doesn't have it. She will not be subjected anymore to filthiness.

She should never be put in the hands of strangers. My daughter has never been in a car with one of my friends alone. She's been with her babysitter before..but bump that other stuff.

So people am I wrong for not wanting her to be with that random girl?

Am I wrong because I feel that she shouldn't be subjected to possibly fatal insects *Lyme disease*?

Music Tag

"List seven songs that you are into right now. No matter what the genre, whether they have words, or even if they're not any good, but they must be songs you're really enjoying now, shaping your spring summer. Post these instructions in your blog along with your seven songs. Then tag seven other people to see what they're listening to."

1. "Love In The Club "-- Part 1 w..just Usher and Jeezy....

then he has a Beyonce, Lil Wayne, TIP remix..then he got one with Kels.... All I know is that I love Jeezy's part..YUH! "I strongly doubt this velvet rope would hold me up..and I don't want security rolling up on us" Beyonce...

"And I don't want to stop..just because..all the people in the club is watching us..I don't give a damn what they say...It's the remix babyyyy!" Wayne

2. "Keep On Dreaming" Lyfe.. this song touched me.. As you can hear it is on my profile..

3. "Put On" Okay! I know..I know..but Kanye's part..

"I feel like it's still ***** that owe me checks... I feel like it's still bitches that owe me sex..." His lyrics are soo funny... Plus the beat is hot....

4. "Take A Bow" Rihanna- my bad if I spelled her name wrong..But girl is jammin... "Talkin bout girl I love you, you're the one..this just looks like a rerun..Please..."

5. "Wonderwall" Oasis" "Just maybeeee you're gonna be the one that saves me..and after alllll you're my wonderwalll"..

6. "Drive" Incubus "Sometimes I feel the fear of uncertainty stinging clear..and I can't help but ask myself how much I let the fear take the wheel and steer"...

7. "Spotlight" Jennifer Hudson... "Are you a guard in a prison maximum security..is that you? Do you stay home all of the time because you want me to yourself..is that you? ".......

Okay...I got a couple rap bangers...cuz ya'll know I got a lil bit of she thug in me..lol

I threw in some throw back joints..that will always be my fav..Oasis..and Incubus

A couple man bashers bangers..... Go Ri Ri N Jen..ya'll got spins w/ me..

I don't buy CD's unless I go to Old Natl' and hit up the bootleg man.. 5 for 10..man.. I haven't been to see him in a long time though..

Okay I tag...

Stupid Sonny Purdue

We'll thanks to your Governor Sonny Purdue Atlanta we will now have mentally ill people running around even more than now with out any help*Thanks to his budget shift*, while everyone who is "licenced" can carry guns in public places..some that serve alcohol *Thanks to this ridiculous gun law that will go into affect pretty soon here folks..Sometime in July*

Wow...

I wonder sometimes how people like Bush and Purdue get into power?

Money... They have it all..

And love taking it away from people who need it the most...

6.6 MILLION dollars was shifted from mental health care to fill other holes in the state budget..says the ajc..

There is nothing I can type that will change this...

But I'm sure we will see the affects of both of his decisions...

*****There needs to be an age limit in such elections..because the older men get I say men cuz they tend to mess stuff up..when they have political power..I think the more they make stupid decisions.. We will be in for it ppl if McCain gets elected..He's headed for the nursing home..****

Just Curious

I've seen her show maybe twice....

While watching I was wondering about the state of reality tv... anybody can be a reality tv star..

It is addicting...

But Tila Tequila is about chick above searching for love...

She is bi sexual...

And to me she looks like an alien in the face... but her body is attractive..I wonder if her ladies are real?

When I was watching it last she narrowed it down to a dude and a girl...

This had me wondering...

If all women are curious?

Lyfe

Okay ya'll..I know you're going to miss DJ Bad Yellow aka Foia's play list for a min..But I really need you to listen to this song by Lyfe Jennings called "Keep on Dreaming"...

I heard it this morning on the Steve Harvey Morning Show while driving to work..and it made tears come to my eyes..

You know how certain songs can tug at certain strings..

Well...Lyfe..this song applies to my Life....It does ya'll..

What do ya'll think? Like or Dislike? Please listen very carefully...





***************************************************************************************************

Okay..I've heard that my blog isn't on the track that it's suppose to be....

And when I asked this person what that meant...

They said that I'm supposed to be a mental health advocate...

I'm like yeahhhh... so...

And I interjected..I don't want to be like one of those people who's blog I read that have a mental illness..and that's all they focus on.

Bipolar indeed is a part of me..A very small part of me.. and a part of my blog... but it doesn't outshine what my blog is about..

I think I would get on peoples nerves..and would be a one sided writer if that's all I talked about...

Anyway.. I will throw splish splashes in there every once and a while...

**************************************************************************************************
This urge
I've had it
Since birth
A throbbing
Natural..
Given to me
By Mother Earth

This urge
Millions of people
Feel the way I do
Closing their eyes
With a person
Wearing the same
Type of shoes

This urge....
An adventure
In every sense
Of the word
I have yet
To explore
Rocks or mountains
I have never been
To the great outdoors
But I'm planning
My get away
One day soon...

**************************************************************************************************

If an ex still brings up old stuff from your past relationship..and constantly tries to aggrivate you..and is always negative..and constantly has something ugly to say about you..and ALWAYS argues even if you are trying to tell them that the color is red not pink...What is happening????

3 Part Series...

So my mom left this morning. She changed my whole apt around and I would like to say I think she did a fine job. Baby girl came in today when her father dropped her off sleepy, but wondering if Nana left yet. She looked out our back door to see if she was sitting out there. I thought how sweet..

I miss her a tad bit even through all of the madness. We do have fun when we just chill and hang out. When we don't talk about any controversial topics like religion.

She admitted to me that she was stressed out extremely..and that's why a lot of things happened that shouldn't have. She doesn't want me to do the same to baby girl. I wont...I promised myself that before baby girl was even conceived.

So today I got pooped on by on of my students baby sister. She is so juicy..big ol ham hock legs..and beautiful blue eyes. She doesn't come visit much, but when she does come to get her older sister who is 3..the mom or dad lets me hold and snuggle w/ her briefly.

So the mom came by the elementary class room and I'm sitting there bored making a bracelet and I see her big ol cheeks smiling @ me..

I run and grab her.... We walk to pick up her older sister and as were walking back down towards the office..I thought I smelled something..But baby poo doesn't really stink..it has an odor but it's hard to describe. So I thought maybe she just passed gas.

So I lift her up a bit admiring her baby thighs and I see green stuff all over my sweater *I'm cold natured* and tank top..Her mom was freaking out..and I'm like let me go change her!! I told her to go get her bag..She didn't..I guess she may have been embarrassed...but I saw no need in the child driving home leaking shit. Plus 2 minutes before she just asked me to baby sit for them? Why Wednesday?

I wasn't mad..I just haven't ever been shitted on. Literally before.

****Lying to yourself****


How can a man/woman
Tell lies to himself?

How can a man
conjure up false stories
and expect people to believe?
In what he says....
When he creates
His own truth

How can we trust
In all actuality
The truth he claims
That is blue..
But with almost no
examination...
Is found out to be red...

What is a man thinking
When he creates
These alternate realities?

Does he actually believe
The stories that he is telling?


****** Your Voice******

I am lonely
I want love
I want to be touched
I want to hugged
I want to be yours
In a bed of red roses
We'll toss in more than lust

Slippery Slopes
I yearn to explore
I'll slide all over the place
Always holding on
To the thought
That I might..
Just might...
One day make it to the top

I want to learn
I want to know
I want to memorize
Every inch...of you
So I close my eyes
Tracing the outline
Of your face
Because that's the best
I can do
Because I've never heard
Your voice

The New Guy In My Life..

Okay...


Today, started off a little bit frustrating to say the least. I don't like people who contradict themselves. If you preach about somebody doing one thing, and then you turn around and do the same thing..is very irritating to me. How can someone tell lies to their own self?


So nonetheless I had a therapist/the best shrink in the world apt...this morning..and I was running 5 to 7 minutes late as always and of course people down here can't drive. So I almost got killed a couple of times.


So I get there and my shrink is wayyyy late. I'm assuming she was dealing w/ a crisis, because she's never late. So I get in there and she wants to talk but they buzzed her for my 11:30 apt so she just asked me a couple of questions. She told me she was proud of me and how I'm handling things. Got refills.. And went to get the new guy to introduce me to my new therapist.


I stopped seeing my previous therapist. We sort of hit a brick wall so I decided to switch it up.

Just some back ground as to why I started therapy.. cuz maybe some people wonder.

Back in the 80's- but more of the 90's in Benton Harbor where I grew up there were a series of gruesome and grotesque murders that were totally random. As I child I lived in fear.


*When I was in the 3rd grade. Winter Break. My grandma was coming to spend the night w/ me and my mom. I had a desk in my room and she was moving it so we could fit a bed into my room for my grandma. As soon as she walked away a bullet came through the walkway where she put the desk. *I hid under our Christmas tree shivering while my grandma and my mom dealt with the police.** Should have been in therapy then but....


*When I was 13 some guys broke into my house *AGAIN OVER CHRISTMAS BREAK *that I knew from down the street* And I was home alone. My grandma lived one street over and I was on the phone with her scared to death. I screamed at them once they entered "what are you doing here" and they took off running.* THAT SHIT...MAN..HAD YA GIRL ON EDGE! I'm really not fond of the X mas holiday.


So I got into therapy after that because trauma had basically moved in w/ me. And was the worst roomate.

My first therapist Marla is obviously a woman because of her name. She was cool and had unconditional positive regard. She was in training so I imagine by now she is awesome.

Anyway my mom is all crazy..and wanted to ruin my teenage years and I was not having it. So we fought and fought until I got my way and she let me grow into BAM me. So by the age of 16 she let me do me..but before that you better believe she was trying to make the courts deem me incorrigible...because she beat me one day yall so bad..that I did the ultimate no no. I hit her back.. And we fought and we fought..and she called the police...and they took me away in front of my whole block....So then nothing happened but making me go to another therapist.

I don't remember her name. But I remember that she was a young pretty white girl. Not that race matters but I figured I would give you guys and image. I didn't see her long..

Then...I grew up *so I thought @ 16* But me and my best friend K.K..got control. Partied Partied Partied non stop in high school. I had the time of my life. Went to college. Mellowed out. Dropped out. Got engaged. Had a baby..Lost it..and now I have to deal with this volatile relationship that is between me and baby girls father.

So therapy again..

Kat. She is wonderful. We were having too much fun though. I couldn't really get to my issues that I want to figure out about men.

She suggested last year that I see this therapist who is a older man...She told me he was cool and that I would probably like him. I do. I approve.

I just got this new fly Andy Warhol bag. Yellow w/ Elvis on it. He noted it. I was like wow..this old guy is hip. Anyway so we talked and talked non stop for a hour. He told me that I'm very intelligent and it seems like I'm dealing w/ things well. He told me the reason why I attract older professional guys is because they see beauty and intelligence. I still refuse to believe that I am beautiful. I know on the inside yes. But outwardly..eh?
I know that I am really smart. I also know I can't or do not posses the ability to do extremely stupid hard math. Who actually made that stuff up?

Of course we tried to figure my mom out. We decided she was traumatized too..and if you don't deal with things properly they manifest into other things. He said it sounds like because of what happened to her that she wants things to appear perfect that's why she points out things that are apparently wrong with others. He said it sounds like she has gen. anxiety disorder.

So yeah...I approve of new therapist dude... very thorough. He's the new guy in my life.

Color Spectrum

I close my eyes
And I picture you
We are on
The same planet
Venus….
I’ve never been
But you’ve touched the sun
I’m fearful
I’ve stayed on earth
Frequented Mars

Two arrows flying
On the same path
But here where I stand
It is gloomy
And my feet are planted
Sinking..into this wet sand
And I dream of rainbows
Rainbows that lead me
Straight to you
My pot of gold
I dream of touching you
I dream of having you to hold
I dream that the rainbow appears
And that it leads me
Straight…..

to you

I want to climb mountains
With you
I want to explore your mind
I want to be your drug
I want to get you high
But until then
Until it stops raining
Until the sun shines
Until the rainbow appears
I’m right here..
Gazing into the sky

Family.. blood is suppose to be thicker than water. Isn’t that how the cliché goes? So why do families betray each other? Okay, I had an awesome childhood as far as I’m concerned because I was involved in extra curricular activities. I wonder how much money they spent on dance classes? *2 ½ until I dance my last and final dance 06-02. I was 17..*Another place I learned to release my emotions.* We have a summer timeshare in the Bahamas for a whole month, so I was used to doing nice things w/ my mom and Grandma. But on the other hand, I had to deal w/ some real shit. That left me feeling like..How could you do..say..act like this when we are family?

Okay so here is my disclamer for this before I go too deep.

As I’m writing about my mother* Which I haven't done on blogger..would like to keep this shit @ home..but I needed a release.

..I know that some things that we went through aren’t Kodak memories, but I feel the way I feel for a reason. I will write the good bad and the ugly from both sides. One thing that I do know is that I WOULD NEVER ASK HER TO READ MY BLOG. Because there are some things here that I would never want her to see. Let’s forget about Bipolar here for a minute, but why wouldn’t want to hurt her by my words. That’s like saying “Read my book. It’s about you, the whole thing and it’s the nightmare which is your life and what you’ve done to me”. THAT RIGHT THERE IS NOT LOVE. Talk shit about a person, and then ask them to read it. Sick and sadistic if you ask me…

She knows that I believe for the most part that her outward appearance is an embarrassment to me. And yes some of her comments have always made me uncomfortable. She has low self esteem I believe. She was violated more than once in life, and I'm sure that had to left some psychological scars. But she is my mother, and the creator gave me to her. So it is what it is…

I tell her all the time to drink water, and put down the ample diet cokes that she guzzles everyday. I say go Nestle Purelife! I tell her to not smoke, I hate cigarettes! No junk food I tell her..*I found out I can eat as much food as I want as long as I cut out cookies n shyt* She knows that we fight, just like any other mother and daughter. But we both know that we talk about everything under the sun. Sex, Drugs, rock and roll.. I love her I truly do..because man I swear she is a pivotal factor in who I am today.

I will not hit my daughter... because I had enough bruises and welts for the both of us…

I will not yell for stupid shit…

Man she used to ruin my day by yelling @ me early in the morning. It can bring a child down .

My daughters hair will be fly all of the time…with the occasional pig tails or pony tail.

I will keep my self up just so she doesn’t have to be teased…

I will not blame anything on her…

I will be her best friend..while still putting the law down…with out physical force.

I WILL NEVER PUT MY ILLNESS IN FRONT OF MY DAUGHTERS EYES, AND SAY THINGS LIKE "ARE YOU GONNA TAKE CARE OF MAMA IF SHE GETS OLD AND IS CRAZY?" That's sick..and makes me choke just by thinking of putting that type of pressure on her.

Til this day she will say stuff to me like this.. "Are you going to put me in a nursing home?" and the answer is probably.. because I don't do well with illnesses and what not. My grandma slipped away before my eyes because I was too weak to watch her die. I just wish she would grasp how I feel...

Oh well..

Personality Profile..Psychology People Help Me!!

Okay I am so tired. But I need to write so here we go.

My mom is from Michigan, but she's taking this extended vacation away from home. She came here, went to the Bahamas last week, and she is now back at mi casa.

On the last visit I didn't tell ya'll that she opened my mail. She committed a federal offense in my own house. I was totally pissed. I felt totally violated. I am trying to keep certain things quite in my life, and she goes searching for shit. Not to mention I found 2 notebooks that I forgot to hide..Oops..

Anyway she is totally embarrassing. Has been my whole life. Not just by her outward appearance, because I must say at one time my mother was drop dead. Couldn't tell by looking now, and she has the power to change that. One thing I know is I will not be anything like her. At least health wise and what not. So my friend Allison comes over with her friend Ashley. *We say we are a backwards Oreo* I'm the brown filling* We went into the bathroom because I was getting ready to attempt to flat iron my hair. We were in there just talking for a few minutes before my mom comes and is like " Do you want me to go outside?" My reaction is like for what. She said to use the bathroom. Of course we exited. And my girl said that she saw my mom go outside. So she went outside I guess to pee...and comes back and is like oops I wet my pants. I just shook my damn head because nothing has changed. She has always been the one to do shit like that. I want to get a profile done on her, so I can figure her out totally. It's like she likes pity or something.

And then..I can't inform her about a lot of things about me is for the simple fact she is weird... Okay I've been recently trying to put this into a correct format that people other than me can get this..

I had a friend back in the day on my street who had cerebral palsy. Now I had been playing with the girl for sometime now..but on this one particular day as were driving past her house towards our house she goes "So your friend is crippled huh?"..and I'm like what a freaking rhetorical question? What did she expect me to say?

Oh and please don't let there be a handicapped person anywhere around her..boy she will point it out. I recall one time we were coming back from the Bahamas and we were sitting in the airport. And there was this girl..maybe 14ish with her family. She obviously had some physical and mental issues, but here goes my mom making it all obvious again. She grabs my hand and begins to thank God that her child is normal. I am like how freaking lame is this? And why does she have to do crap like that. People who have disabilities already have the shorter end of the bargain, and really don't need people pointing out the obvious. I just don't get her? My psychology people help me....What is her deal?

I love her, but she really needs to get a grip. Because mother or not, I've always been all about saying how I feel. There is a whole different story behind both of us that only we know. She and what she did to me made me who I am today. The good and the bad. I am just tired of her...HELP ME I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO CALL IT....