24

So...I partied like a damn rock star Thursday night, and Friday night... Tonight it is time to sit it down and do what I love most..write



Thursday- Blue Flame..In the heart of Bankhead... Straight hood.. But there was some beautiful women in there.. I wanted to see if I had game..and I do..I got some digits... ain't gonna use em..but it was just an experiment..I got game..lol



Friday- I went to Spondivitz..They burnt the crap out of my coconut shrimp..I wasn't impressed. I didn't send it back..didn't want them to do anything to my food. Then I went to yet another strip club w/ my indian friends.*Just giving you a description of who I was rolling with* Yet again..I had to see if my game was really tight..Yes it was..I macked this white girl called Shaquita..lol..what a stage name.... My boys told her it was my bday..and she grabbed my legs and wrapped them around her..You should have seen the guys faces around me..The thoughts that probably went through their heads.. My friend boys actually got mad..and treated me funny at Waffle House. I told them I wouldn't entertain their bullshit and told my boy to walk me to my car.

Anyway..like I said seeing if I could pick up strippers it was just an experiment...

But to this day..I haven't done the procedures. But I have a hypothesis...



Boy..I haven't gotten that tipsy since I was partying in HS w/ my bff *K*. I woke up Friday morning w/ a damn head ache cuz I drank red wine and patron..the two obviously don't mix.



Then this morning..I threw up.. I hate hangovers..



This afternoon I went to see the new Batman movie..It was pretty good..Even though I was lost a lil bit, cuz I really didn't know anything about Mr. bat himself... But Heath Ledger *sp* was awesome. I couldn't even tell that he was the Joker. He looked nothing like himself.... check it out if you haven't.. I wonder if his daughter will ever be comfortable watching that movie when she grows up? RIP Heath..and Bernie Mac...He was a chocolate handsome older man..He will be greatly missed.

Yes..I made it to 24....I want 70+ more...

*************************************************************
Here is a story

A lil bit about me

I am deep

Deeper than any

Ocean or Sea

A great mind

Sometimes has trouble

But the deciding factor

Is if that beautiful mind cracks

Forever...



I have been paranoid

About loosing my life

Ever since I was 16

And several of my friends

Were killed

Death intrigued me

Because I thought

I would be next

So why not

Prepare for it?



Some died in car accidents

While traveling on

Eau Claire roads

Leaving behind their body

And escaping with their souls

I experience suicide

Someone I was really close to

His sister and I

Were snowflake and mocha

Inseparable

..........We kicked it hard

But I knew him first

And it hurt my heart

Today he leaves behind

Once, his beautiful blond girl friend *doesn't blonde have an e?*

And his child

We were in high school

My junior year

I cheered @ his last game

against Berrien Springs

I will never forget it

Jennifer came and told me

@ work..

I was 16...

That he blew his head off

........With a shot gun

Which completely shattered me

Because he had the guts

To do that to "us"

The audacity

For him to leave

Behind his child



And knew I was next..

Death stalked me

I just figured

I would be the

Next target..

I sank deeper into depression

Because everything I saw

Was grey

I was just waiting

For mr. death

To come find me

and steal me away



I thought about dying

Each

And

Every

Day



And ideation

I need to get rid of

I'm getting closer

To a better place

I think that now

I am okay

With death waiting

For me

***************************************************************************

My name alone

Attracts drama into my life

I was named after a soap opera character

One of the baddest bitches I hear

On tv in the 80's...

I bet you can't guess..

If you don't already know.... :)

It's funny though

I sit back and laugh

At the stories

I will be able

To tell

Some about heaven

Some about hell

But in the end

It's all worth it

Because I was

Born into this world...

For a reason..

And I'm still alive

So I haven't achieved it

I am well rounded

Drop Dead Gorgeous

Vain.. only if you make me

I will flip my hair

In a minute

On stupid ass bitches

The one who have that gene

I always talk about

That I don't posses

Cuz I'm down to earth

And I love that

The most

About myself..

But that doesn't

Scare drama

It follows me

Everywhere..

Like it's trying to be

My best friend

I don't like to start it

It's always others

Causing harm

But when I find myself

In the mist of it all..

I think about falling

But look at me

Ya girl or not

Is still standing

And not writing

For only me anymore

I write for ya'll...

**************************************************************

I got fans

Is what my boy Snook

Used to say

He met me at the mall

On the way to my job

Back in Kalamazoo days

He wanted to "talk" to me

But I made him my boy

And we kicked it hard

Until I left Michigan

But he made me aware

That damnit

I am a star

So thank you

To all of my fans

The ones who stop by

And I do not know

You are a fan

Because you just stare

To afraid maybe

To show your face

But I won't bite

Actually I'm quite nice

But I just wanted

To take this time out

To say hello...

To those of you

I do not know....

08081984

Today..I am 24 years old...

The Indian ladies at my "new job" *let's see how long it last* thinks that I haven't graduated high school yet!! Exciting because I get to lie about my age..

N you better believe that I am....as of 08-08- 2008... I am 21 years old..I have a fake id..that lets me into everywhere.. But honestly I'm old...a tender 24... PPl at the door act like they know what year is what..so anyone can sneak in...

Sooo.. I went out w/ one of my boys..I'm in my pj's watchin both of the girls get cut off of "So you think you can dance" when my phone rings..

Baby girl is with her father.....I have no comment.. Me minus negativity...


Neway I answer.. "Let's go to blue flame" it's a strip club .....I really out grew that..a long time ago..But whatever...free drinks, and I drink nothing but Patron! Let's see some booty!!

So none the less I had fun..I am so tipsy right now..that its taking forever for me to type this,,,

Me signing out..

Birthdaygirl 08-08-08

Yuh

Well....

Ya girl...or the girl you love to hate.. how ever you see it..

Has a job now...

It's far as hell from home..

But it's doing what I want to do...

And it's at another Montessori school.. It's more money..so I won't feel like a damn slave..

Baby girl can go also!!

They are going to work around my school schedule too!!

I also got some great new's yesterday..

I passed this writing exam that I need to graduate! Wheew*...boy you should have saw me sweating..sitting next to my girl Jazz while we were taking that test..I need to call her and see how she did. I got the weirdest topics to write on..4 of them..

I finally picked something that went a lil bit like this..Pick a tv/movie character and tell why their character is appealing or unappealing...

I sat there baffled... Panicking really..

After about a half an hour..I finally picked House..I picked the opposite of unappealing because everyone knows he's an ass.. figured I would flip the switch..

Intro- Of course everyone sees House character as a cantankerous, lonely doctor who finds some way in a hour to solve a medical mystery every week..but he is the shit... **Nah, I didn't say that..but you get the idea***

Idea one- He's thorough

Idea two- He never gives up

Idea three- He has a disability, and it doesn't stop him

Conclusion- He is the shit

I actually thought I wouldn't pass...Even though I tend to pass everything except math.. But I'm excited that I did..one step closer to being where I want to...slowly but surly..slowly but surely..

So now I will bless you with this...

I love when people
Say that I'm evil
Because that just
Proves I'm not
It proves that
I'm a working angel
In progress..

Who has fallen before
Because my wings
Were stripped of air
Yet, I soared again
Because I learned
How to deal
With the steady winds
and constant storms
That I never have
An umbrella for
Because I can't flyy
And hold onto it
I might fall

I am a leo
We are anything but
Evil...
We take so much
Until we are forced
Basically we ain't
Got no choice
But...to eat you..
Once we are done
We clean ourselves up
Cuz you done made
Us get dirty
And lawd knows
We are just
Tooo damn pretty
To be rolling
in the dirt
w/ people who
Can't admit..
That they have issues..

***********************************************************************************************

And I can go on and on
You can't remix me
I'm the one and only
And I promise..
That the only thing
That I'm vain about
Is my poetry...
Cuz
.....It's so fucking pretty

It's raw
Just like having fun
When you know
Everythings safe
And you're in love
Come to me
And let me pin
Some of my poems
On your walls
Because I'm the realest
You'll get...
And you don't have
To travel far
I'm not hard to find
For now..it's
.....poetrynoir

The prettiest shit
What is it..
North or South
Of the Mason-Dixie line
I don't know anything
Bout direction
As you can see
By the way my life
Keeps flinging me
This-a-witch way
And I thought...
I was...
TIRED
I gotta say it
Bitch please

Ups and downs
That's what makes life
Somewhat interesting
Twisted fun
I swear I got stories to tell
If I could get them out
In a linear patter
My ish my just sell
Pinned up secrets
Just ready to be
Revealed..
And I think
I'm finally ready
That I can tell...

***********************************************************************************************

Well the violence
Has unmasked it's self
Back home
I talked to my Daddy
Said a 19 year old boy
Got shot in the chest
And died
On a street called Monroe

Black on Black violence
I don't like cliche's
So I know it won't ever end
But that doesn't mean
I can't hope..
For peace..

And the audacity
For me to have hope
Because being black
Means according to CNN
We are automatically targeted
We are looked down upon
As a black stain
That won't go away
And those who are weak
Chose not to try
To integrate
So they remain stagnant
These are the..
Robbers, murder, rapist
The one's hollerin at the liquor stores
What my grandma called Niggers

It's a mind set
And whom ever
killed lil buddy
Needs to repent
Because I believe
In the power of
Self forgiveness

But as I write this
I am sad for
He who lost his life
On Monroe
He wasn't the first
I wish it wasn't true
But I'm sure he won't be
The last..
To die leaving behind
Blood stained concrete and grass
Family and Friends
Who'll miss them
And who'll say their last goodbyes
As they lower them into the ground
As they cry..

McCoy

Thinking of my grandma last night made me think of where we came from...

My grandma had a lot of brothers..more than sisters *it was a lot of them*..

But I remember people in our family saying they don't want none of us..cuz we are the real McCoy..

From what I gathered from being a child is that we came from this family down in Kentucky who got into it with this family the Hatfields. 1878 is when the shit hit the fan. I learned that it was possibly started when one of the Hatfields wanted to marry one of my people. Of course the McCoys wasn't having it..and all hell broke loose. Then the Hatfields and McCoys got into it over a hog. Hatfields said it was theirs, and of course "we" had to dee-bo it..lol
The final straw was when one of the chicks from the McCoys..left and went to move to West VA to be with one of the Hatfield boys. The chick eventually went back home to the McCoys, but when she realized that she wasn't going to let them dictate her life...the McCoy men kidnapped her man. The guy who got kidnapped said this was too much, and married his ex's cousin...also a McCoy :)

The feud ended in 1891 after it had attracted media attention..the state government from both KY and VA stepped in. By the time it was over dozens of people were dead from both sides.

Okay..

So this is where I get my "whiteness" ya'll. My grandma had grey eyes, and the rest of her brothers and sisters either had hazel or blue..yes blue..I have one uncle now who is still living..High yellow with baby blue eyes....

But what I found while reacherching the feud was....

There has been some recent speculation in the press (Associated Press, April 6, 2007) that the feud may have been fueled in part by a rare tumor, pheochromocytoma ("pheo"), that sometimes leads to "hair-trigger rage and violent outbursts." In the McCoy family, pheos are one of the consequences of a rare disease known as Von Hippel-Lindau disease (VHL), which is prevalent among McCoy descendants.[9] The condition sometimes produces tumors of the adrenal gland (pheochromocytomas), leading to excess adrenaline production. According to the National Cancer Institute, most people interpret these surges as panic attacks or palpitations. Pheos occur also in the general population, and in families with any of five other genetic mutations.[10] wikipedia.com

And then...

Several genetic experts have known about the disease plaguing some of the McCoys for decades, but kept it secret. The Associated Press learned of it after several family members revealed their history to Vanderbilt doctors, who are trying to find more McCoy relatives to warn them of the risk.

Affected family members have long been known to be combative, even with their kin. Reynolds recalled her grandfather, “Smallwood” McCoy.
“When he would come to visit, everyone would run and hide. They acted like they were scared to death of him. He had a really bad temper,” she said.

"Medical folks like to find these kinds of explanations. Like the Salem witchcraft thing. That book came out about how that was caused by wheat that was grown that had this parasite or mold or fungus or something that caused everybody in Salem to go nuts,” she said.


Anyway...I just thought I would share a bit about where I originated from...we'll the one side at least..


I'm a real McCoy...

....

If you were here
I wouldn't have
Lasted this long
in this place
We call the "A"
I would have
come rushing home..
I would have thrown
This life away

Just to sit at
Your kitchen table
And look into your
Eyes..
While your admire
My baby..
But now I talk
To the sky

I know you're wringing
Your hands..
At all this stuff
I'm going through
But your life wasn't
Easy either
But look at what trouble
Made you...

The tales you told me..
As a child..
I listened..
and I watched..
Some brought tears
To my eyes
Because my grandma
was so strong..
and I knew one day
I would have to carry
Your legacy
Alone..

If you were here
We could have a toast
to my 24 years
Here on this
Tainted earth
Where I had
The most
Meaningful relationship
With the greatest person
You..
My grandmother..
The person to touch
Me..
First...


*****

I miss her so much. I was 6mts pregnant when she died. For the fact that my placenta felt like it was being ripped apart when I cried..I couldn't grieve. I suppressed it all..and til this day I can't really say that I have. I am crying as I'm typing this. I had a dream about her 2 nites ago..and she said to me "You haven't been looking for me"...I gave her a big hug..

The last time I talked to her, I was at my doctors appt. about to drink that nasty stuff to test to see if you have gestational diabetes. *funny she had diebites*..anyway..I loved Doc Martin shoes when I was in high school. I had worn a pair she bought me to the doctors that day *they had to be 2 or 3 years old*Which I never wore any more..something that day told me to wear them... I told her how much I weighed which was close to 170..and she told me I better stop eating so much. I remember looking down at my shoes..

I never thought that would be the last time that I would talk to her.

Happy Birthday Famous!

Happy Birthday to Famous!!

Four years ago she was brought into this world.

I remember the day we met.

The breeders house smelled so bad I was in such a hurry to make my exit with her..

But it was worth it because I got her.. She was smaller than my hand...

She hid underneath a pillow for about 2 days, because she had no idea where she was..

Pretty soon she was hitching rides around in my bra and built in tank tops..

Happy 4th Birthday Fame!

Covered

I watched a movie yesterday called "Covered". It had a lot of known black actors..Leon was in it ya'll!! The two main characters husband and wife, I've seen them before but can't tell you what their names are. Anyway..ya'll need to watch that movie. I'm not going to give you a premise of the movie because ya'll need to rent it. To tell you something about it..it was centered around down low brothers..it was funny and dramatic and very suspenseful.

Me and my girl were talking..after it was over..and I was telling her about someone who took me to a gay bar in a well known gay area when we first got together. And he was super cool about it. Now at the time I'm thinking that this maybe the only spot for us to get drinks. Now that I think about it..How did he know about that spot?? Had he been there before without me?. I know most men wouldn't dare go to a gay bar.."male" gay bar if that was the only place to get drinks on earth..Hmm..Now I'm wondering..

He always had elaborate stories about the women he slept with, and how his male member was so great. Was he overcompensating for something? Now I would run afraid if a guy talks about another woman in my presence, and if gave more glory to his penis than to God..then I would say deuces. But I should have put up the peace sign after he took me to that gay bar...So I wonder now..after the fact what his motivation was?

Now we've come to the conclusion from my blog..almost every woman has thought or fantasized about another woman. A many have had their dreams come true. I'm starting to think the same about men...

Seven Dollar's...Bitch

So my girl..the one who always gives me so much insight..stuff I already know and can tell people, but somehow I can't take my own advice. Anyway she had me cracking up when I told her about this....and she now calls the situation "Seven Dollars Bitch"

I have been sending my resume everywhere. I've been on 2 interviews.

So I don't know maybe Monday I checked my gmail account. After remembering that the email on my resume is for gmail. So I got a reply back. Damn I said..That's not good. I emailed them anyway. Their name was Wande..I'm like man or woman???

So I email "it" and tell them this and that. I ask if they are still interested.

In less than 5 mins. in my inbox was a reply that said resend your resume.

So I do...............

Your reseume looks great. Can you please come in for an interview Monday morning anytime between 8am-10am. Please bring a portfolio if you have one, sample lesson plans or anything else that will give us a glimpse of who you are. We have hired our lead teachers and must hire our teacher assistant by Monday afternoon. The position will start on Tuesday, July 29, 2008. We run on the same calendar year as Clayton County Pre-School system, so when they are out for holiday/breaks, pre-k is out as well. We are lookin for an organized individual ith a deep love for children. The state does pop up visits and bonuses are dependent on how well you score during the state visits.The starting salary for a para-pro (teachers assistant in $6.55-$7.00 per hour. This position only requires that the individual be at least 21 years old and you must provide a criminal background check if hired. We look forward to seeing you, if you are interested.

Misspelled words and punctuation mistakes..is it that hard to use spell check?


Okay..

So I talk to my girl. I give her the run down and what not. She was cracking up at the fact that I could actually make 45 cent's less. She called me the Seven Dollar Bitch... Then she told me what I already knew..That I just needed a check..




So I go on the interview....

I get there..and boy..I see why they are paying 7.00. The application ya'll..Was typed for the most part. But you better believe somebody forgot something and was too lazy to do it over..so they decided to draw in the subject lines that they forgot. Desired Salary_______.

I fill out the application. I'm sitting there and waiting. Listening to the voices around me. Boy...It was African American Vernacular Land..

Okay..I don't talk about people. Wande is a woman. Here is her description. She's cute in the face. She has coaco brown skin, and a huge ass. It was just out there, and you know a skinny girl like me sometimes has ass envy. Then I wake up and realize that I am healthy, and I have year and years to get old and "thick". Where she goes wrong is..That hair..it wasn't her hair. And if yo shit looks like a damn rug...please women don't just think it's okay to walk around like that. It was like a curly afro, I guess. But that shit looked a hot mess.

Anyway we begin the interview. I tell her that I made a powerpoint of some lesson plans. She was pleased. We talked. I had the job. She told me that they had hired the lead teacher in the email she sent me the previous day, but somehow the day of my interview..they just couldn't find the right person..Well yeah..
She showed me the school. Paint was chipping off of the walls. The floors were dirty. EW. It smelled of mold. Then she showed me the classroom that I would be in. It was 10 times worse. She said the previous teacher had to just take stuff off of the wall. No..it looked like she let the kids have a lets fuck up this room party.


So anyway I asked if my baby girl could go there. Knowing that I REALLY don't want her to. But at least we could be together. She said yes....for 45 dollars a week... *gulp*

She gives me the paper work for baby girl..and tells me she will call me tomorrow..Which was yesterday.

I didn't hear from her.

I email her... asking if she found the lead teacher yet..


This is what I got..

"we are still searching for the lead teacher. just can't find the right person with the proper credentials and good in the classroom. i apologize for the delay, i wasn't at the center yesterday and i'm not there today, either. we did hire an assistant teacher who holds a degree in early childhood education and is very familiar with the bright from the start requirements and state requirements so it would not involve as much training on our part. thank you for your interview and good luck in your job search!"



Wow..a person with a degree is going to work for 7.00...I am amazed. I would have worked there ya'll. My meditation that I use in my daily life worked. I meditated on the fact that I am exactly where I am supposed to be. Because of both my blessings, and choices good or bad. I meditated on me being able to make my dreams come true because to break it down. I am my own God, who is lead by some spiritual being.
That job wasn't right for me...

So this is my plan...gotta have a plan..

I will continue to look. But as long as I stay home. And don't drive much. I can just buy food and stay put until I have to.

My school has me f-ed up. I should have graduated like 2 years ago..but I missed classes because they only offer the damn thing once a year, or they only have one damn class, at one time.. Which is what I'm running into now. So I've decided it's time for me to transfer. My classes are all through the day..everyday like they were last fall/spring. It was very hard..school was my life. And I actually do well if that is my only focus.
But if I do find a job that is during the day..I lose classes. Ahhh..

Everything will work out...I have faith.. in me..

3 Poems..and a note

I just don't understand
How man
Can be about one thing
But really be...on another?
Living life
as a contradiction
Living life
as if they're Jesus
Let them tell it
They've claimed...
To have walked
On water

"You lie"
and so you don't?
"Never have, and I won't"

When you and I
Know that's bullshit
From the smallest thing
To the largest
You and I both
Have been a liar

But still, you fix your lips
To spread hate
It's fine
..........We all sin
But the problem becomes
When a man
Starts to believe
The stories they spin

What those same people
Don't know
Is that they are headed
Straight for hell
Because if they died today
Their spirit would be too heavy
That it couldn't float away
Because they never forgave
They never let go
Of what happened to them
So they'll take it to their grave
I am a sinner
So that's why I pray
To my creator
Who protects me
From all of my haters
Who slander my name..
Daily
*************************************************************************************************

Two Faced
It's an elementary word
But it doesn't stop there
Because we live in
An elementary world

I believe in you
More than you believe
In yourself
Is what I've been told
But then you
IMMEDIATELY
In the same breathe
SMASH
My face in the dirt
Thinking that it
Will hurt
Thinking that
I'm afraid of water
And won't rinse off
**************************************************************************************************

Honestly,
I am happy
I feel whole
In my tattered skin
I will grow
Honestly,
Sometimes it rains
So hard
That I hope
That it thunders
And that
Lighting will strike me
Down
Honestly...

Honestly..
I love him..
Honestly..
I can forgive
But honestly,
I will not compromise
My happiness
For anybody
Who is ne-ga-tive
Who can't see
The beauty
In anything that I give
Who only complains
Without looking at themselves
Honestly....

***************************************************************************************************

Okay...so one of my best friends came in town. I saw him..and boy has he grown into a man. We met at my job @ the mall in MI. My friend...was his sister..but didn't know it..until after we started kickin it.. Well anyway she lives down here now, and is a teacher. So my friend will be coming here more often. We kicked it and talked about old times. I really miss him. Even though we talk on the phone all of the time, that doesn't beat seeing him face to face. He is really a true friend. And I was happy that I got to see him..

Quotes for life..2 added by me..Then a poem...

In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity....Albert Einstein



I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish that He didn't trust me so much.....Mother Teresa



The true measure of a man is not how he behaves in moments of comfort and convenience but how he stands at times of controversy and challenges......Martin Luther King Jr.



If I were asked to give what I consider the single most useful bit of advice for all humanity, it would be this: Expect trouble as an inevitable part of life, and when it comes, hold your head high. Look it squarely in the eye, and say, "I will be bigger than you. You cannot defeat me...Ann Landers



Difficulties are meant to rouse, not discourage. The human spirit is to grow strong by conflict....William E. Channing



Life is either a daring adventure or nothing. Security is mostly a superstition. It does not exist in nature....Helen Keller



Don't be afraid your life will end; be afraid that it will never begin....Hansen, Grace



**************************************************************************************************



You know I've always believed in Karma. I am in no way Jesus, so therefore yes I have sinned. Because of that fact I am in no way immune from being "punished" for doing something wrong. I have also repented, which has in turn granted me many, many, blessings......Foia



Being in the right or wrong time, however you see it can land you in a place that you are supposed to be. There are always 2 maybe 3 roads one can travel. Think carefully before you waste your gas on the route you think is best, because prices are rising every day....Foia





And now a poem:





I am me

I write

I tell

My

Testimony

But only I

Can alter my story



I have been broken

In half

Jumped

Off of the wall

Just like

Humty Dumpty

When he had a great fall



My head is hard

But my heart is soft

I've been through a lot

And yes I've taken notes

So the next time

I fill in the bubble correct

So I don't continue

To make the same mistakes



I can admit

That I am not

Though I may look

PERFECT

So I've been told

By so many people

From all over the world

I have to tell myself

That's not true

I am a work in progress

Who might break

But that's why

We have glue

Fuck it I'm just gonna get a Check!

You are not going to fire me because..haaaa I might not come back!



Okay..I was talking to my home girl..the one who I've known since I moved down here. She is older 30 years old..and that is my bitch..She has the best real world advice. She is the same one who got fired from ample jobs also. She has been through it, and I always think..if she did it, so can I.



So with her help I am convinced that right now...I'm just gonna get a check...2 weeks max..3 weeks for extra she said..She had me cracking up..



So I have to have training for this GA prek program. At the "MONTESSORI" school there was no training? I see a problem there. I am going to set up the classroom before the students come in 2 weeks. I don't want to meet the babies. I don't plan on staying long.



The interviewer told me that she wanted a portfolio and lesson plans. I told her I didn't have a portfolio, but was thinking *damn I should have done that @ Montessori*. I must say at Montessori we didn't have lesson plans..everything was ALWAYS impromptu. I would bust out with lets do yoga at any moment.



So I made this PowerPoint presentation because I don't have a printer of some "lessons" that I got off google. For the pay..they are stretching me thin already..But fuck it..I'm just gonna get a check..



A Poem... written by me..



Trying to survive
I'm wiping toilets
for 5.55
Minimum wage
How can I live
So I steal
Just to feed
My kids



I bust my ass
12 hours a day
I worker harder
Always for less
But what else
Can I do
When I got
Bills to pay
Except sweat really hard
And wipe my tears
Because I'm surviving for me
............I see no other way



The America Dream
Crossing the boarder
For only a short time
Huddling together
Stacking every dime
Deplorable conditions
In a land of foreign tongue
We work the hardest
Out on the farm



I'm on the corner
In my stance
Night...is my friend
Day..only when I'm feeling good
I do my thing...
I make them spend
To make my daddy feel good
But my makeup is too thick
And I feel overused
But this is all I know
So what's a girl to do?



But fuck it
Sometimes you gotta
Just get a check

Today

Thanks for all of the support guys!

I appreciate it...really..

I have a job interview tomorrow. Same field as last time..but for the GA PreK program..But for incredibly less money. But it's closer to my apartment. So now my heart is playing tug of war between needing money, and being over worked and under paid. She said if I'm not a "nut" just plan on staying tomorrow all day..lol..if she only knew. Oh well good thing by looking at me I don't look cracked up..lol..

So right now as we speak I am sitting on my couch searching craigslist for something better.

So with that being said..I need to go back and search some more..

I have a question...

Would you take a job that was paying an incredibly less amount of money?

So..The first day after a "tragedy" is always a test for me.

My mind races...thoughts go a mile a minute. Most not pleasant.

I hardly ever cry...unless the shit hits the fan..

I did a lot of that on Friday..

Then I talked to a couple of my "friends"..

One of my girls who I've known since I moved down here told me "Losing a job ain't shit. I got fired from almost every job that I've had". Then she went down the list of what jobs and why. She is too funny, so all I could do was listen and picture her in the moment of being terminated. I felt like I had company.

Then one of my guy friends texted me this morning..I told him I got fired..and he texted back "Why is it so hard for you to keep a job?... I texted back "??"..I wasn't able to go back to sleep. This was @ 7:00 am. I know..I know..ya'll are thinking I let ppl get to me. Well at least I realize that..and I can work on it. But more than him getting to me. I realized that what he said is the truth.

Nonetheless, I have been sending my resume out...we'll see what happens.

On the day that I got fired. I was listening to a radio station down here, and they were talking about losing their job. All of them agreed that if they lost their job today, that they would be fine because they still had their family. Bull shit I say..because if you don't have a job..how can you take care of your family. With the economy being a piece of shit now..it is harder now to find a job. A good paying job. I know I have a requirement, and I will not work for less than I know I deserve. I will be miserable, and it will show in my job performance. Again..I realize this..therefore I can POSSIBLY control it. I worked as a hotel desk clerk for a lil while last summer, and the maids got paid less than us. Reminder me of house ni***** and field n******..yep..

Speaking of control..that is the hardest part for me. Seems as if I have little to none...Impulsitivity..used to be fun when I was younger. Even though back then it got me into worlds of trouble..but I was a kid, and I thought I would grow out of it. For the most part, I don't see myself wilding out like I did when I was a teenage..but I must say I do some stupid shit..Like not following my intuition. My intuition told me on that day..don't use the phone.....BUT I DID..and I always get slapped when I don't listen.

So I leave you with this..ppl listen to the vibrations that you get from the world around you..

Fired on Friday..

I got fired today..

How about this..I had a dream about this last week..

So there will be no need for that parent teacher conference ya'll suggested..

Yesterday, I stormed into the office telling them that I needed to leave so I could go to my financial aid office at school. They said I couldn't leave, but I could leave after the field trip today..

We aren't supposed to be on our phones.. I'll admit I've been caught before..so honestly it is no surprise that I got fired.

I was using my phone while taking the kids outside. I was trying to get everything straightened out with school. *Which I also am probably not going to school because my grant won't be ready until after school starts. So unless I can pay out of pocket, and then get reinbursted* So no school no job..I'm pretty much..not shit..

I guess someone told, or they saw me on the phone..

They said that this was hard for them..because I am so good with the kids..

And that I could reapply in a couple of months and they would reconsider..

I am devistated none the less, because I actually liked my job. Yet, I'm not suprised that I got fired, because I believe I've gotten fired from almost every job I had.

There is something wrong with me..Well duh obviously...I'm starting to wonder if I will ever have a normal life. You know one that I can sustain ya know like a job..

I either say or do something stupid and then I go flying out of the door.

I am going to miss my babies more than anything. I couldn't even say goodbye cuz I didn't want to show my emotions and cry. I barely walked out of there without ballin' but I made it out of the door, and into my car before my eyes started to thunder storm.

So right now...

I don't know how to feel..or what to do..

I have my baby girl to take care of.. and nothing to take care of her with..

Everything happens for a reason right?

I wonder what the reason is this time?

My birthday is 2 weeks away..

I wonder if I'll make it to see it.. cuz honestly I never thought I would..

08.08.08

Maybe it's a sign..

Race

I'm back... a lil wide eyed today..

I got some rest last night...So much I had the urge to call in today..

But I didn't...

And of course...my day gives me something to blog about...

Interracial relationships...First off I would like to say that the part of the CNN documentary "Black in America" or whatever it was called..*I have been hearing a lot of negative comments about it* was the part focused on interracial relationships..

The woman they had one there..black and was married to a white man. They had to beautiful biracial children. The wife said that his family had made remarks about how they couldn't believe that he had black children. The husband said that the family deeply regrets those comments.

I'm sure there is a lot of uneasiness when they have family gatherings..

Being racist is taught..

It starts from home..

You know how you always walk up on stuff exactly at the moment that you need to?..

Well today I was going to get milk out of our fridge in the classroom..and the lil vanilla girl said "White people go first, and black people go last"...

@ the table there were two white kids and two black kids..

I couldn't believe my ears..

I said "What did you say?" She looked surprised..

She said that she didn't know.

I asked the other kids what she said..and of course they told me..

I was speechless..

Usually I would issue a timeout or something..

But all I could do was walk away and shake my head... glad that lil chick that made the comment goes home @ 3.

Tomorrow I am going to talk to her...

So..I get home..and my bff..*K* who lives in MI..Who I miss very much called me.

To get to the nitty gritty...

She is Korean..her man is white..

She was adopted by two white people..so she basically is white..

She said " I have never had anyone point my race out like this before"

Her boyfriends sister apparently has add and is bipolar *She doesn't know about me by the way* so she is just going on about this and that.. How she beats her mom. She doesn't handle social situations well because she blurts out information that no one wants to hear like "I am so horny I haven't had sex in forrrever"..*K* told me this..She apparently pushes everyone away...

The sister is 16. The youngest out of her brothers and sisters.

And apparently she likes to point out the fact that *K* is Asian.

She always calls her "Hey asian".. or one time she was reading a book, and the sister said "I didn't know Asians read"..WTF..

So I decide while talking to *K* to go to lil sis's myspace..I couldn't cuz it's blocked..

I signed in under *K* and I saw it.. She is a cute lil girl. But she is very disrespectful. She has captions under *K*'s pictures like "Another Asian :)".. And "Gay, she's Asian"..What the hell..

And her brother *K*'s boyfriend didn't do much about the situation.

His reaction was we all make fun of you..a lil bit.. Hell no..

I have had my share of interracial relationships..

And a share of them..their families weren't too thrilled that I was "colored'..

I loved some vanilla..but one thing that I realized that we would always have to deal with race issues.
I always felt self conscious in the presence of their families.

So if this would have happened to me..

It would have went something like this...

Sister: "Hey Nigger"

Me: First off all depending on the emotion I pick..

I could cry.. I could punch her in the face..I could walk away..

But I know one thing..if my man didn't stand up for me and say that is in no way tolerated..then I would bounce..hurt feelings and all..

Because race is something that people cannot change...


From what she has been telling me..It sounds like she is not happy. I think they've been together for four years..and of course love tends to fizzle..and people stay because they are comfortable, and afraid to try anything new. Afraid of the void that they will feel without that person. So I told her not to settle just because she has been there so long. She wants to get married, but I don't know if it's just for the sake of saying that shes married. She had this time limit thing..well the time has gone and past..He didn't ask her yet.. I told her that she needs to check the race issue with his family, or that she would be hurting forever..


That's it..

Thanks ya'll for checking on me..

Hope ya'll have a happy Friday...

I have lots of stuff to say...

But I am so tired..

That I cannot formulate thoughts that I want to share..

I have 3 drafts saved..but I'm not pleased..

I usually just write..then post..

But tonight..I feel blah..

So sorry..those of ya'll who do stop by...

My daily conclusion..

I have come to the conclusion..

That little boys..

ARE BAD AS HELL..

I mean are the little suckers born with horns or something??

My goodness..

The boys @ the school are the ones always fighting..and throwing wood chips..pushing people off of the swings..PEEING AND NUMBER 2-ING ON THEMSELVES...

One of the directors son..who is 4 flipped over a table because he was mad at the science teacher..

Then get this..all of the "disobedient" kids are in one classroom. Talk about stress..

When I get to work this morning, early I go into the "bad ass kids classroom"...

We go outside to let them play..

The lil dude* who isn't in the bad kids class, but needs to be* who is ALWAYS crying because he wants his mom..at inappropriate times..

Busted out crying when I spoke to him this morning..

It was so funny..me and the other teachers let out a giggle..

I have no sympathy for him..I am sorry.. I'm guessing he knows that I don't like him.. and I don't not like too many kids..but I have my list at that school..and when they fall or hurt themselves..I do not rush to do anything..unless their eyeball is hanging out..I've seen shelves fall on the bad asses because they decided to pull it down on themselves..I've seen a bad ass fall off of the stairs because he didn't want to listen to his mom..all I could do was giggle to myself..and say that's what you get!

But let something happen to one of my babies..the ones that I love..I'm right there!

Am I wrong? If so....Too bad..

Anyway that was the punch line of my day..

**************************************************************

Okay so the best post of the day..is mikes..about the haters..I couldn't have said it better..

*****************************************************************************

Silence in my world
Is just how I like it
Almost like I'm deaf
Only without the
.......Sign Language

Voices that invade my space
Who blow hot air
From the pit of despair
Are just wasting time
Because I'm not listening
and I quite frankly
I don't care

Because just like
If I was deaf
You would learn
My language
I wouldn't read lips
So I'm not hearing you
Talk shit

Random..and a Poem..

Okay..

So it is so hot..That I have an attitude.

Mad about recess.

Mad about the outdoor smell that lingers until you take a shower..

Mad about the sticky feeling...

Anyway..So I was a bit grumpy today..

Nap time: went terrible..because this lil dude who is a cry baby kept waking everybody up with his crying. I can't take crying man..Especially if it's for no reason. I have no sympathy for that bull shit. Suck it up..and lay on that mat..damnit... is what I'm thinking. Instead I give him dirty looks and basically ignore him.. trying to tune out his cry..Which is so annoying. It's the ugliest cry I've heard. Pray for me ya'll..cuz this kid has been crying for 4 weeks straight..ARRGH! And nobody wants to trade him out.. :(


So while trying to ignore the cry baby..I braided my students hair..Had to flat iron it first cuz her hair draws up into the nappiest afro. It's pretty long once I put that heat to it...She put up a bit of a fuss..she kept moving her head which made the parts come out crooked..which meant I had to start over... and over again.

Finally got it done.. around 3:30... she has a cornrowed Mohawk!

Then after work..

I had to buy some type of groceries..And I was tired..so tired..I decided to stop at a store by my sitters house..She told me to go to Aldi..or however you spell that shit..I know I won't be going back.. Bootleg store..

Sure... there milk is 2.99 but I had to pay a quarter to get a shopping cart..

Then they don't have any bags..you have to buy them.. Then they had 2 cashiers..with 38 people in line..lol..

The people in the parking lot..looked at me cross when I didn't push the damn cart back to the front of the store..Usually I do put it in the cart thing-a-migy, but I already had an attitude about the .25. So somebody got a free cart thanks to me.

To top it off I didn't put enough water in my rice..so it was crunchy a lil bit.. I hate when that happens.. :(
My curry chicken wasn't quite right.. Can't have chicken w/ out the rice..so nonetheless I'm hungry as we speak..
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People these days
Men and Women
Are dreaming up
Somethings..
That they never imagined
But could believe it
Once it was done

Spectrum's in the sky
Leads me to believe
In you, more than I
I believe that
You..are traveling
At the speed of light
On some other shit
Like Jeezy
You're light years away
Way out of reach
But my belief
In you
Will not get me far..
So I will take it
How it comes
I don't ever want to
Stop gazing @ the stars..

Yeah..titles are stupid..so I get little..

I can..
Admit I was wrong
Before in life
That I am a sinner
Just like everyone else
But I can forgive
What about other folks?
They get little
And dip out..

I Repent..
I don't believe, to one Man
But to my Creator
Who created us
Not in vain..

I believe that "it" forgives me
So I could care less..
ABOUT ANYONE ELSE!!
I can admit to being normal
To having suicidal thoughts
Before in life..
To not being right
But I wasn't wrong
For asking for help
Now I've got it under control
Can't nobody tell me shit
So don't even think..
To part your lips..
Until you got a plan
To your great escape..
From this life
That reeks
Of bull shit

Love makes people
Homicidal
Because of the feelings
Tied within
If it doesn't work out
The person who is in love
The most...
Well, their head spins..
And if they aren't weak hearted
Well then they except it..
Just like nappy hair
That somehow got parted..

For example:
Look at OJ and Nicole
He killed her
CUZ SHE MOVED ON
He couldn't take it
And look what happened..
In a life that is
In NO WAY right
He stabbed her an Ron Goldman
One summer night
When I was in
About the 5th grade
I was with my mom's best friend
Michelle..in Kzoo..watching the news
She told me then..
A scorned man..
Will most definitely
Try to deal you a hand
That is in no way..kind
She told me to always be
One step ahead..

I have been UNHAPPY
To the point..
Where I thought
I wouldn't return
I didn't have ANYTHING for myself
But her..
So my soul burned
In turmoil

Then I gathered
All of the pieces of me
No longer discombobulated
I've got it together..
I am cold..
Better grab a sweater..

Prayed to my creator..
No longer..
Can I be a hater..
I will get little

Before
I
Let
That
Happen


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I'm a hustler right.

I braid hair..

Learned from a chick that I went to HS with..

Anyway..So this lil chick @ the school I teach at..well her hair is always looking a hot mess.

Her mom works for the CDC..and is always gone..

My poor baby is raising herself..

She is attached to me now..

I mean she will cry and pitch a fit if she isn't with me..@ school..

I have to admit..she has a chunk of my heart..

So I've braided her hair once *one other teacher used to do it* before she quit..

So...I needed to take the braids I did down..

She cried..and stomped her feet.while I was trying to watch Hannah Montana...

Her mom was telling her she was going to get a consequence if she didn't straighten up..

To make a long story short..

I took all of the braids out.. which took 3 plus hours.. the texture of the hair does matter..

And left.. to go pick up my baby girl..


Her mom is going to wash it..and hopefully tomorrow..while my nappers are sleeping..I can do it...

With out any problem I hope..

Anyway..

I'm sleepy..extremely..since last night..or yesterday I went to bed @ almost 7 am..

So I'll holla..

..................

It is 6:04 am..and I'm awake!! Amazingly. Usually I pass out around 11ish. My cousin Nikia texted me earlier to see what I was up to. I had an headache earlier..and slept the whole day after cleaning up. Baby girl was with her father. I went and picked her up this morning though after we went out. She came over..flat ironed her hair..we got dressed...and off we went. I haven't gone out all summer! And I don't miss it. Unless I'm making money. I done grew up!!


Then I think...

..if I don't go out..how am I suppose to find someone to fall in love w/..or to fall in love w/me..how ever it works..

Where do I find love.. Publics?

But I don't care..men are trouble.would rather do w/ out right now..

Boy..We went to the Under Ground. Since Buckhead closed it's doors to the clubs, Kenny's Alley is the spot for all of "us" to party!!! Yeah right..I don't like it. Anyway we went to my old job where I previously cocktailed..to see my play cousin Keisha who is a bartender *who I went to Daytona w/*. Anyway talk about hood. That's why I had to stop working there..because I wasn't making any money. But I had fun though!

I looked cute. I wore a fitted dress..w/ lots of colors....that I can describe..but it was hott! Will have pictures once they post them! **I saw my boy Marius..who I lost touch w/ since the lemonade ruining my phone..but he's like one of the picture guys at the club..so he clicked..clicked us a lot!** I danced..and my hair started to curl up..so I had to sit it down..

When...

I spilled a drink on my old VIP manager..who looks like Maia Campbell. Absolutely beautiful..but sometimes her attitude isn't cute. She likes to mess with ppl's money. Including mine..I felt bad..but then I thought about it later....my bad..It only got on her jeans anyway..Get em dry cleaned..

Then I spilled a drink on my cousin...lol...so I didn't get to drink at all really cuz I was spilling it all over the place!! I had to drive anyway!!

So now we are sitting here..She is on the other couch. I am typing away. We are silent. It's cool when you can be around a person, and dip into your own world..and them be cool w/ it.

I haven't stayed up this long for leisure in a long time. Probably since my early college years back in K-zoo..Me and snook..*my boy wil who was welcome on venus* just cool..we both liked the color purple. He used to spend the night on my couch..after we both passed out from laughing all night. He was a cool dude who respected me. He never tried anything..after he asked for my phone number..and I told him I wasn't looking for a man..Just a big brotha..he said Okay..and he found me on facebook about three weeks ago..

Yeah I'm tired...cuz I have no idea if this even makes sense...

So I'm going to bed..

And tune in later for regular schedule programing..


Smooches***

Me!!