Friday Post!!

First, I must say...Art is a representation of it's artist yes, but when it comes to me and my poetry aka rhythmic reflections everything I write about doesn't depict my life. I write about the homeless, yet I haven't been homeless. I write about being a prostitute, and I've never been pimped. I write about being autistic, but I am blessed to be able to interact with the world around me. I write about having a son, and I have a daughter. I write about having a husband in the military, and I do not. I don't know how many times I need to emphasize that I write about everything that I see. I've seen happiness. I've seen death, suicide, murder. I've seen poverty. I view the world through many peoples eyes. That's what makes me so good. So please readers, when you read something dark..remember where you are..Poetrynoir!

Right now I am so tired. I am in no way a -wake up -before 7 a.m. person, and of my classes are early in the morning:( Then when I am done with 3 classes each day I drive a hour to work, and a hour back home. That is two hours out of my day that I could be using to do some of this homework that I have.

My kids at the after school program are still rowdy, and very disobedient. Today I am trying to read a story while the other teacher sets up for arts and crafts. One baby *she's 2* is being picked up by her aunt, and this new girl *she's 17* that they hired shut the door on Mikey's foot. Then instead of attending to him, she starts to ask us if the little girl had made a puppet. She knew already that she made a puppet because she saw me helping her make it. I was pissed by this point because she is really supposed to be there to help me. She is only 17, so therefor she cannot be left with the children alone!! So I take Mikey who is turning red, and screaming at the top of his lungs to the kitchen. I wipe his face off because he kept smearing his spit and tears all over his face and hands. I gave him some water, and he finally settled down. But get this..when the chick pulls back the curtain to the kitchen Mikey sees her and starts to scream and cry all over again. I mean big tears. He doesn't like her. Then instead of watching the remaining kids who are now running all over the place, she is fiddling with her IPOD. She started to play the "Cha Cha Slide". I'm like WTF..But you should have seen Mikey. He was sitting on top of the freezer, and he started to dance. He had rhythm! It was the cutest thing. I think I've found my special connection with Mikey. I have been observing Mikey, and I'm not sure if he is really autistic. He definitely has some social issues because he doesn't play with the other kids. Although he is totally into himself he understands the world around him somewhat. This I know for a fact when he saw that girl..."AAAAHHHHHH." Mikey...

I'm sure everyone
Who has a deep penchant to become
A great communicator
Have all sat in seats like ours
And felt the butterflies inside their stomachs
Flutter and fly around
They've felt a heart that feels to be beating so hard
That us nervous people are convinced that is audibly loud

It's almost like a thrill
A roller coaster of emotions
That can be hard to control
The deciding factor
Is will you or I let trepidation take hold?
........And cause you
Stumble over all of your words
Will you use filler words like..
Like or um?
Or will you take charge
Like firing a gun?

Nervousness is natural
But it is when it takes over
That's when it can't go unnoticed
You shake and shiver
As you struggle to enunciate each syllable
Your hands shake, and your legs wobble
You think everyone is laughing at you
But in all actuality they are probably
Just as scared as you..

I say just jump in
Either you will sink or you will swim
A cliche' I know
But what would life be..without them
They are true.,
Yet just slightly over used
Every time I have to speak now
I am going to try to remember my words
And take many, many deep breaths
Then suck it up..
And do what I gotta do..

Untitled

I know that struggles don't last long
I know that one day
Pain experienced
Will be memories in the present
And just something bad
That happened a long time ago
That was designed to teach "us" lessons
So that if we ever were tested again
We would already know the answers
To the questions asked..

That little voice
Named intuition
I often ignore
It always steers me right
And yet I rarely pay attention
To signs and clues from the universe
When I don't listen
I always get myself into trouble
When I could have avoided it
I travel through the tempest
I walk over fire..
I get burned
I find solace knowing that
Right sometimes is seen as wrong
And next time maybe I can save myself
From being hurt
If I just pay attention to the signs
Sent to me from Mother Earth...

Wed. Post

When I was comin' up in school
I ain’t care..
When I went there..
I just went to look good..
Going to class was somethin' dat I
ain’t get into
I had to wake up too early in da mornin'
School was interruptin’ my dreams
I started skippin’ school wit my mama’s
permission in the 3rd grade
She would leave me home alone sometimes
wit my lil brother
I would make us noodles and ham sandwiches
and grape kool-aid.
And when she got home at night
she would tell me
Dat I was goin to school da next day
said she was helpin' me
Commit a crime
it was called truancy
But I can’t remember one week
where I ain’t skip at least one day
So somehow I made it through
and graduated
Class of 1998

I wasn’t alone walkin' across dat stage
I had somethin’ hidin' underneath
My graduation gown
I was pregnant wit..
My boyfriend’s child
at 18 years old..
I was finna be somebody’s mommy
and I really ain’t have no idea what to do
My baby’s father wasn’t bout nothin'
….when I went to him
About da matters of our child
he dissed me
Sayin’ dat there ain’t no way it’s his
callin' me all types of whores
Sayin’ dat I f*ed his boys
and he was ghost…
I never heard from him again
from dat day on..
It was just my baby and me..

I moved from my mama’s house
to da projects called Highland South
I got me some food stamps
and braided hair
So I could stay home
and not have to pay no daycare
My mama would watch lil man
when I wanted to run da streets
She would tell me I bet not come get him
if I was out there drinkin
Which I was…
often enough I would stumble home
Not knowin who I had just slept wit
not knowin if I had used protection
Prayin’ when I woke up
that I ain’t get HIV
I wasn’t no slouch though
I was getting’ paid for what I was doing
Had them payin’ all my bills
and I wasn’t doing nothin’
But openin’ my legs
and givin’ a lil bit of *you fill in the blank*

I had to put food on da table
and keep da lights on
My lil man stayed fresh
and you already know
Dat I was flyy
I ain’t have no real job
But somehow we always got by
until one day..
Bullets flew through my door..
apt 132 just got shot up..
I was caught in the line of da fire
I got shot in da chest and in da face
I must of blanked out for a minute
cuz I ain’t hear nothin’ else
Then I remember looking up
at a woman standin’ over me
Sayin’ dis is payback
for F*ing wit her babies daddy
She said she hoped dat I died
and if I didn’t she would be back
If I told anyone bout what just had happened

My lil boy was at my mama’s house
at da time
I was on da floor dying
straight up losing my life
All I could think of was my lil boy
who would grow up with no parents
Cuz I would be dead
and his daddy don’t care
All cuz I ain’t take the time out
to do what I should have done
Cuz of not handlin my business
when I should….I kept me and my baby in the hood
Another ghetto tragedy
they see me as another chicken head
Who ain’t nothin’ but dead..

**This whole broken english, ebonics, a.a. vernacular..whatever you like to call it..Is hard to write..especially if you didn't start writing a particular piece in that "fashion". So I may not be consistent. I really could care less at this point.***

A girl...

I am here
So I question my existence
I am an outsider
In a world that says
You have to belong
I wonder..
Why they are so worried about me
Because I have no concern
With myself..when I look
In the mirror..I hardly
Recognize my gaunt face
I am filled with self hate
Burning with rage

I don't like to answer questions
About why I dress
The way that I do
People always try
To figure me out
They just stare
Is that a boy
Who's confused..
And convinced that he's a female?
It's an instant reminder
That I don't fit into
"Normal" peoples ideologies
Because I am a 16 year old boy
Who wants to be a girl
I wear eyeliner
And I polish my nails and my toes
I dress up in my moms
Skinny jeans when she leaves
And I practice strutting in her pumps
I pretend I have hips
And two humps on my chest
By putting on her bra
And stuffing it with socks
She just figures..
Wearing eyeliner and polishing my nails
Is just a stage..
But she has never caught me
Dressing up in HER clothes
I wonder what she would think of me
If she knew I didn't want to be a boy?

I have no friends
I am a social outcast
As I walk down the hallways
Of my current life
All of my peers laugh
Because they don't understand
But I have a plan..
And a goodbye note
To all of the people
Who could have loved me
Whether I was a boy or girl
I am locked inside of a cage
Where I'm afraid to be me
I am suicidal
And I wish to die
So I can be set free
I have a rope
I will now hang myself
From a tree
In the front of my high school
In my mothers favorite outfit
wife beater.pumps.and skinny jeans
They will forever remember me
And think twice about taunting
Someone..
Who's sexuality..
They don't quite understand..
I am the poster child now
For boys who really are...
Girls

Who knows if
I will be accepted
Into the kingdom..
Who is ruled by God
Because I committed
The worst sin of all
I took my own life
Not abruptly though
I gave it a lot of thought
I was born this way
It wasn't something I was taught
And the circumstances
Of the world..
And their perfect ideologies
I was before my time
And now it's time for me to rest
Whether in heaven or in hell
I finally get to be..
A girl..

i am extremely tired. i have no idea if what i just wrote is coherent. I just needed to get it out..and i could have saved it as a draft, yes... but i'm starting to collect those, and like cereal that has been in my cabinet for 3 weeks..it's old so I can't use it.

Monday Post!

My husband is gone
For the 4th year in a row
Sure he gets time off
But that's for maybe a month
Then hes back overseas
See he is a Marine
And he's over there fighting
For America the land of the free
Just to make money
To send home to me

We have a son
Jameson
Because his name is James
And that is his son
He looks just like him
Wants to be like daddy
When he grows up
He already is fascinated by guns
But I don't want him to follow
In his fathers footsteps
And leave his wife alone
With his kid
To go fight in a war
That no one will know
Why it started
And when it may end
Just to pay the bills
Leaving behind his wife and kids

Sure we get phone calls
Every week
Daddy's emails helped
Him learn to read
He loves to talk to daddy
About what goes on in war
I try to tell Jameson
That war is a sensitive subject
That shouldn't be talked about
But he tries to convince me
That he is just preparing himself
To be just like his daddy
Getting ready now..
To go to war
But not before
He goes to basic training
To become an official Marine

My stomach hurts
When he brings becoming
A Marine up
Because I don't want my baby
To be out there
Getting shot at
And dodging bombs
I already have to worry
About my husband
Every night..
Not only do I pray for him
But I pray for Jameson
To forget his future dream
Maybe my husband
Can talk him out of it
When he comes home..
From this war
That took him away from us
*******************************

i am not easily guided
when i do not
ask to be led
i am stubborn
i like things my way

but heaven forbid
that i haven't a clue
i will call
the people i "talk" to most
and ask them
what shall i do?
i find it somewhat hard
to make a decision
without others input

if i plan on
being known
for what i do best
that means exposing
my flo..
further than here
and further than my notebooks
i will have to be edited
line breaks broke
someone else will HAVE
to give their input
altering my "babies"
and changing my works

i will have to come out
share my most important parts
expose the world
to my beating heart
my memoirs..
and my most intimate thoughts
breaking down the stigma
further than here
"Poetry Noir"
may be ready
but I don't know about me...

**************************************

So..I am going to school!!

I'm taking 18 credit hours..don't ask me why..but I am..I go to school everyday which I'm not too happy about..Gas is high, and the mileage is killing my truck...But nonetheless I am happy that I am getting closer to graduating. I have 12 more classes left..and however long it takes. I will finish!! I don't have any math this semester so I should be good.

Aesthetics
Writing for Digital Media
Research Methods
Writing for Mass media
Media and Culture
Media Studies....

A whole lot of writing..

I don't have any books so here is my plan. I hope it works until I get them or what not. I need to find a buddy. I'm guessing probably a boy. Girls hate too much.."Bitch please..fail".. I will convince him that I will do all of the reading and fill him in with great detail. But I need to be able to pick out the lazy boy who doesn't care. So wish me luck!! I don't have a plan B..this is all I got.

Baby Boy- My Friday Post

Baby Boy..This is one of my favorite African American Movies for so many reasons. John Singleton really did his thing with this one. It told the truth about so many boys..that are still babies. Out there planting seeds, that they aren't ready to help water. It opened my eyes to "ghetto" love. I have never dated a thug. So I don't know if I'm missing anything, but this movie gave me a feel of what that would be like. He would always be "running" around on me.. Even though I wouldn't classify Jody *Tyrese* as a thug. He was just "hood" I guess. Cali hood....ya'll know Californians are on some other ish. Basically all of my family lives there so I know. Anyway, I'm going to try to describe my favorite scenes... I can't remember the baby's momma name *Tayari* is her real name, but she was the mother of Jodys son. Her and Jody had just got done fighting, and she was saying she hates him..this and that. She ran down the stairs and told him she hated him in his face. He took her upstairs..and threw her on the bed, and they had sex. Then he said something like I know you gonna go cook them tacos. And she was like yep, Im'a cook them tacos, I'ma clean up. Then..when Ving Rhames had Jodys mama in her room hopping around the room in some kinda sex position that I've never seen. And Jody was in the other room listening. That ish was funny... The scene that I didn't like seeing..was when Jody took *Tayari* to the abortion clinic..And she was laying in the bed hurting, and he asked to use the car..WTF? Anyway..What is your favorite scene or part of "Baby Boy"???

......

No one is perfect
There is no such thing
It's only imaginary
It's only a dream
There will always be people
Who are handicapped
Who have stretch marks
Who are cross eyed
Who stutter every word
There will always be people
Who are bald
People that starve
Themselves on purpose
Who are suffering from something
They are unsure of
There will always be people
Who will cut themselves
Just to see blood flow
There will always be people
Who need help..
Out in this imperfect world

But does this mean
That the imperfect person
Doesn't deserve to experience love
Just because the perfect world
Seems them as all wrong?

08..someday..08

So I guess my class is behaving better. But everyday when I come in *Mikey* the boy who is autistic and his parents won't accept it..is shitty..I mean I can smell it when I walk into the door. Today I was designated to change his pull up. I did it..and it brought back memories when I had a co-op job as an asst. teacher at a special needs school..and the teachers made me change all of their diapers. But I was 17!! And these kids didn't have half of the sense that Mikey has..Mikeys wasn't watery, so it wasn't that bad. I talked to his father, about potty training him. Tomorrow he's sending changes of clothes and underwear. I'm gonna try to work with him. Even though I don't know how to potty train a lil boy. I asked his father if they stand up or sit down. He laughed and said they can do both. So we are going to see what I can do w/ lil Mikey. He is so cute though ya'll. He's mixed white and spanish. He has big cheeks and I squeeze em. I try to make him smile, after I got over the initial fear of me not being able to control him. He still likes to spin around in the middle of the floor, but as long as he's not eating inedible items and not hurting himself then hes fine. He said hi to me the day before yesterday. I thought it was sweet. I'm thinking maybe he does like me a lil bit. We'll see.

In a world of my own
I spin
I turn
People yell at me
And I don't know why
I am silent
But I scream
From the inside
And no one
Hears me cry

I am trying to break through
But no one has the patients
To deal with
The issues placed before me
They all run away...
With a headache..
With a head that is shaking..
Praying that someone
Can reach me
But it's not them..

Until then
I am a boy
With spinning dreams
Waiting for someone
To wake me up
From this haze
That hangs over my world
And turn the volume up
On my screams
On blast
Because I am here
I'm just waiting on
Someone to find me...
And grab my hand
Pulling me out of this hole
That my parents
Refuse to believe
I have fallen into
They won't admit
That I'm autistic
Instead they view me
As their perfect little boy...

*****************************************
Words are stronger than actions
Checks pay the bills
But attitudes kill
And that's the truth
Ya dig?

How can someone love
A person they don't deserve
How can someone love
A person who they throw in the dirt
How can someone love
A person they can't stand
It's impossible..
I raise my right hand
To testify to that
I'm for real

Love is more than action
It's the words that go along
Words are written into stone
Sometimes actions get forgotten
But once you write something down
It's there forever
And it's not hard
For it to be easily found
All because people confuse
Love with actions
And completley forget
About actions that compliment words

Love is something
I don't give up on easily
But once I realize
That I'm being abused
I hit the door..
Because I'm too flyy
To be sporting anyones bruise
Just because they got mad
Confusing love...
With nothing but actions
But the words..
That go along with love
Have to always
Match actions....
Or it ain't really love

***************************

..

I am so scared
To even date
Because every time a dude
Even looks at me
I question if he's gay?
Does he hang out in Midtown
Is he pretending to be straight
Would he take me to a gay bar
Would he say
That we were there
Just to grab a drink?
Because that's what I think
When every dude
Opens his mouth to speak..

Even if I do use a condom
If he's worthy of getting me
Into the sheets
The rubber might break
And all of his nut
Will be emptied
Into my stuff
Possibly making me sick
Forever
And then eventually
Killing me off...
Putting me down
For a never ending sleep

All because of what I thought
Was pleasure
But it was only
The devil planting
His evil seed
Because if I let my guard down
A man could just do this to me
Any day now..
Any moment...
I could find out he is gay
When all of this time
He had me fooled
Pretending to be straight

How bout this scenario
He stays w/ a dude
But he claims
That his roommate
Is just his friend
And pays rent
But come to find out
He was letting him
Beat his meat
All of this passed time
And now I am subjected
Possibly to HIV
And could be dying
Right now..
As I speak..

Nah I'm straight
On that D tip
Because I'll never know
If that penis
That is trying to get me
Has a strange discharge
Dripping from it
All because he might of
Stuck it in some nasty bitch
And may want
To contaminate me..next
This is what I think about
Every time a man..
Approaches me..
I'm thinking that he's sweet

*************************************

I have nothing to say
Yet I'm amazed
The thoughts seem
To fly by
Through my head
Quite fast...
Hauling ass..

I am ready
To finish what I started
The most important
Part of me...
I have yet to achieve
I just want
To finish school
It's the last piece to my puzzle
I'm in desperate need

I have dreams
That I will not share
Because haters can
Aim arrows
And knock them
Right out of mid air
I'll keep them to myself
So I won't get jinxed

So for my conclusion
I am miserable
At the moment
Because I just need to do
What I must
And that is finish school
I am so close
Yet so far
And every time
I'm held back
It leaves a scar
On my heart
Because I'm one step
Further behind..
Every semester I sit out
My time ticks by...

********************************

One Bad Bipolar Beauty..ahhhh ya'll thought I was gonna say Bitch!

So... Today was the first day of school. And OMG!! I don't think I've been stressed out by kids like this before. I've opened a can of worms. On my resume from a looonnngg time ago had that my major was special ed. Which it was..like umpteen years ago..lol. But not anymore! So when I was hired the director was excited that I had experience *I worked @ a special needs school before* and then was when I decided this ain't for me. She told me she had two special needs children. Ya'll when I get there..I spot about 6. I get there at nap time, and the special kids are running around. Turning on the water. Eating stuff that isn't edible. They wouldn't be still for nothing. Then trying to get them up for nap and having them sit on the circle was a task. It's like they don't understand. One little girl won't talk. I was trying to work with her, but it was hopeless for today. So after snack most of the kids clear out. Guess who I'm left with. About 8 boys..And half of them are on a space ship headed to a different planet. I'm like damnit. One kid is screaming *is special* about how he wants his mom. An autistic little boy *who's parents refuse to believe that anything is wrong w/ him..they think he'll grow out of it* It's not going to happen. I have no idea what to do w/ boys. Like I said I think they are innately bad, and born with attention spans of ants.

Then my job..they are breaking so many codes. They don't wash the sheets after nap time. EW. They don't have hot water. EW. I saw a teacher breaking hot dogs in half w/ her hands. No gloves. @ my old job we washed the sheets and blankets everyday, but I thought it was gross that we didn't wipe the mats down everyday.

I don't know.. baby girl won't be eating / drinking anything from there when and if she goes. She will have her own sleeping bag probably. She won't be sleeping on another kids germs and skin cells.

Other than me having no materials to do projects with, and I'm dealing with bored kids because they have no resources. Everything is great!

Pray for me and the speds'...

Aye...do ya'll remember any games that we used to play as kids..other than simon says, mother may I, red light green light, musical chairs? Ya'll got any suggestions?

Anyway.. Here we go..what I do best..

I am dizzy

Sometimes I miss a dose

Of you..the cure

I'm all screwed up

.....I'm lost

I'm tired of

Ingesting you into my stream

But if I don't

I'll turn from blue to green

And if I am green

And not blue

Then I'm dead..fa sho

My balance is on track

As you dissolve

Heading immediately to my brain

How can I possibly fall

When you are here

.....Doing your job

"Fixing me"

Just as long as I swallow you

With water every day

I'm cool..

I've felt it for myself

I refused to believe

In the beginning

Of my bipolar journey

What Dr. A said

That it would stop raining

One day..

And I would be able to

Soak in the sun rays

And experience true..happiness

She said positively

With a smile upon her face

She is right

I've felt it

And it is just what she said

Dryer..no longer wet

It sometimes drizzles, still

But that's why I work on myself

So much..

So I'll have the proper tools

To go along with my skills..

That I've acquired

To whether..another cliche'

another..storm

I don't hear voices

I don't start fights

Over random beef

With stupid girls

Who dream to be me

Even though I'm supposedly "crazy"

I never converse

With myself

I do not see shit

And I wear panties

In public

I keep my legs close

When I wear dresses and skirts

If I don't cover her up

She might catch a cold

I am not psychotic

I am only 3/4 of the way gone

.......If that..

I get happy..

Then I'm sad..

Depression is the worst

It hurts..

It hurts..

It hurts..

Bad..

I panic

I am anxious

This is the hardest to control

Because if you can't hide it

Damnit..it's bound to show

I'll cry..

When normally I hold it

......Deep deep inside

Of course..I explode

At totally inappropriate times

Dumping a very very heavy load

Tears dripping down my face

Turing my eyes blood shot red

*******************************

Freedom

Of

Information

Act

Is what Foia stands for

I ain't got nothing to do

With the government

But I tell it like it is

Uncensored

Like it or not

I got a hott mouth

To go along

W/ my bad body

I got my head on my shoulders

I wish one would

Try to knock

Off my block

I'll take my pistol

I'm about to

Get a permit for

Out my purse

And pop you off

That's the gansta girl

Coming out in me

Benny Ha Ha

Went through hood training

Now I'm a beast

And if you keep on playing

I will give you..

A special little treat

A gift from my best friend

Who I call heat..

**************************

I got jumped into a gang

In the 3rd grade

We didn't know nothing

About being G's

Except our color was blue

And we rep'd

The 6 point star

Our enemies

Were the vice lords

Who rep'd red

We were advised

To aim at their heads

With what guns

I don't know

They were imaginary

Invisible air

That's what happens

When little ones

Hang w/ older kids

Get into some other shit

That they've seen done

Thinking its alright

To pass on..

I know now

We couldn't have been serious

We had no artillery

We had no guns

How could we possibly

Get shit popped off?

We couldn't..even if we'd have tried

Absolutely not..

I was a child..

I still claim

To be a G

Just not in the streets

But in the poetry game

I'm a killer

I love the color blue

And that's a pretty star

But my third grade gang experience

Will be something I always look back at

And laugh..at that shit

Forever..hahahahahah..

**********************

Titles Why?

I am having a panic attack.

Argggh. I can't cope with not being able to control the circumstances that surround me.

I can't see my future be put on hold on second longer.

I keep getting lost because I'm always sent to a detour on this ride called life.

I know. Stronger. Stronger. Stronger I will be. But I'm tired of pumping iron. I'm ready to finish the fight.

Okay..Experience it with me.

There is not enough oxygen
Making it into my lungs
So I hyperventilate
Trying to breath slow
Because this feeling
Is really uncomfortable
I feel as if I'm going to
Pass out..

My chest hurts
Because I'm stressed
There is a pill
I can pop
But I don't want to take it
Because I'll quickly fall asleep
And I've got to go to work
Feeling melancholy
Trying to hide my somber mood

I feel like crying
I'm sure I need to
Before it comes out
At the wrong time
And I look like a fool
I just wish this pain
Would go away
Because anxiety attacks
Aren't something that
I usually go through
I'm trying to breathe now
But it's getting really hard
I feel like I need to go
Pass out

It will pass. I will be fine again. This is just a rough patch. It feels as if a elephant is sitting upon my chest. So people I will be back later. So holla... I needed to release this. Poetrynoir..is my therapy...

By: Lateef McLeod

I saw a really good movie today that made me cry on BET of all places.I finally can watch a movie after I messed up my movie roll due to my fear at the time. It was called Lackawanna Blues..and it had yet again an all star black cast. Macy Grey, the Black captain *shame I don't know her name* but she is on Law and Order, and Terrence Howard. The *captain* had a boarding house, and she took in this little boy because his momma and daddy weren't fit to take care of him in her eyes. She did what was best for him. But I can't imagine leaving my baby behind..so it brought tears to my eyes..Anyway the *captain* took in everyone she could.. I don't know if I would want a boarding house, but I do want to, definitely before I die have a non profit mental heath organization. It is a must...

I found this poem today on myspace on a disability advocacy page. I've heard about him before, but never took the time to read anything by him. But his name is Lateef McLeod, and is a writer from Oakland, CA who happens to have cerebral palsy. I think this poem is beautifully written..and basically made me swallow..
***when I copied and pasted it from myspace the line breaks were no more...but i think i broke it right..i hope so..if not..I apologize*

by: Lateef McLeod copyright 2007

Swallow
You say to me
And I really do try
Cuz I be wearing tight fits
Like Rocawear jeans, big Ekco shirts, Gap hoodies
And when I am really
GQ in tailor made suits
And drool does not go with a tailor made suit
You know I try to look suave 24 7
So there shouldn’t be a problem with me swallowing, right?
Well I have to remember to swallow
Every minute
Every hour
Every day
That means when I roll down the street
Swallow
Whenever I talk to someone
Swallow
When I exercise
Swallow
When I go to school
Swallow
Cuz I don’t want anyone to see me drool, especially you
You always say that it makes me look gross
And It is not my attention to gross you out
So I try to swallow like a mad man
I (swallow)
Try and (swallow)
Consciously do something
(swallow)
That everyone else
(swallow)
Does unconsciously
(swallow)
And you still
(swallow)
Can’t understand
(swallow) Why
(swallow)
Can’t I
(swallow)
Learn to swallow
(swallow)
All the time
(swallow) It is like
(swallow) To toss you a tennis ball
(swallow)
Telling you
(swallow)
To throw it
(swallow)
The air and catch it
(swallow)
Every 15 seconds
(swallow)
And yell at you
(swallow)
When you drop the ball
Swallow
Just swallow
Come on and swallow
You know you want to

http://www.myspace.com/sinsinvalid

So the writers on this website are mostly all physically disabled. Where as when it is "mental" people can't see it, and there for have a hard time understanding. I know from wanting to be a special ed teacher that people with any type of disability doesn't want to be treated any different. No one wants to be pitied.

People kill me when and if they find out that I have bipolar. "Fallon it doesn't seem like it. Nu-uh." I am usually my jovial self. But the people who contribute to sinsinvalid basically have no choice. They where a badge everyday. That is heroic.

24

So...I partied like a damn rock star Thursday night, and Friday night... Tonight it is time to sit it down and do what I love most..write



Thursday- Blue Flame..In the heart of Bankhead... Straight hood.. But there was some beautiful women in there.. I wanted to see if I had game..and I do..I got some digits... ain't gonna use em..but it was just an experiment..I got game..lol



Friday- I went to Spondivitz..They burnt the crap out of my coconut shrimp..I wasn't impressed. I didn't send it back..didn't want them to do anything to my food. Then I went to yet another strip club w/ my indian friends.*Just giving you a description of who I was rolling with* Yet again..I had to see if my game was really tight..Yes it was..I macked this white girl called Shaquita..lol..what a stage name.... My boys told her it was my bday..and she grabbed my legs and wrapped them around her..You should have seen the guys faces around me..The thoughts that probably went through their heads.. My friend boys actually got mad..and treated me funny at Waffle House. I told them I wouldn't entertain their bullshit and told my boy to walk me to my car.

Anyway..like I said seeing if I could pick up strippers it was just an experiment...

But to this day..I haven't done the procedures. But I have a hypothesis...



Boy..I haven't gotten that tipsy since I was partying in HS w/ my bff *K*. I woke up Friday morning w/ a damn head ache cuz I drank red wine and patron..the two obviously don't mix.



Then this morning..I threw up.. I hate hangovers..



This afternoon I went to see the new Batman movie..It was pretty good..Even though I was lost a lil bit, cuz I really didn't know anything about Mr. bat himself... But Heath Ledger *sp* was awesome. I couldn't even tell that he was the Joker. He looked nothing like himself.... check it out if you haven't.. I wonder if his daughter will ever be comfortable watching that movie when she grows up? RIP Heath..and Bernie Mac...He was a chocolate handsome older man..He will be greatly missed.

Yes..I made it to 24....I want 70+ more...

*************************************************************
Here is a story

A lil bit about me

I am deep

Deeper than any

Ocean or Sea

A great mind

Sometimes has trouble

But the deciding factor

Is if that beautiful mind cracks

Forever...



I have been paranoid

About loosing my life

Ever since I was 16

And several of my friends

Were killed

Death intrigued me

Because I thought

I would be next

So why not

Prepare for it?



Some died in car accidents

While traveling on

Eau Claire roads

Leaving behind their body

And escaping with their souls

I experience suicide

Someone I was really close to

His sister and I

Were snowflake and mocha

Inseparable

..........We kicked it hard

But I knew him first

And it hurt my heart

Today he leaves behind

Once, his beautiful blond girl friend *doesn't blonde have an e?*

And his child

We were in high school

My junior year

I cheered @ his last game

against Berrien Springs

I will never forget it

Jennifer came and told me

@ work..

I was 16...

That he blew his head off

........With a shot gun

Which completely shattered me

Because he had the guts

To do that to "us"

The audacity

For him to leave

Behind his child



And knew I was next..

Death stalked me

I just figured

I would be the

Next target..

I sank deeper into depression

Because everything I saw

Was grey

I was just waiting

For mr. death

To come find me

and steal me away



I thought about dying

Each

And

Every

Day



And ideation

I need to get rid of

I'm getting closer

To a better place

I think that now

I am okay

With death waiting

For me

***************************************************************************

My name alone

Attracts drama into my life

I was named after a soap opera character

One of the baddest bitches I hear

On tv in the 80's...

I bet you can't guess..

If you don't already know.... :)

It's funny though

I sit back and laugh

At the stories

I will be able

To tell

Some about heaven

Some about hell

But in the end

It's all worth it

Because I was

Born into this world...

For a reason..

And I'm still alive

So I haven't achieved it

I am well rounded

Drop Dead Gorgeous

Vain.. only if you make me

I will flip my hair

In a minute

On stupid ass bitches

The one who have that gene

I always talk about

That I don't posses

Cuz I'm down to earth

And I love that

The most

About myself..

But that doesn't

Scare drama

It follows me

Everywhere..

Like it's trying to be

My best friend

I don't like to start it

It's always others

Causing harm

But when I find myself

In the mist of it all..

I think about falling

But look at me

Ya girl or not

Is still standing

And not writing

For only me anymore

I write for ya'll...

**************************************************************

I got fans

Is what my boy Snook

Used to say

He met me at the mall

On the way to my job

Back in Kalamazoo days

He wanted to "talk" to me

But I made him my boy

And we kicked it hard

Until I left Michigan

But he made me aware

That damnit

I am a star

So thank you

To all of my fans

The ones who stop by

And I do not know

You are a fan

Because you just stare

To afraid maybe

To show your face

But I won't bite

Actually I'm quite nice

But I just wanted

To take this time out

To say hello...

To those of you

I do not know....

08081984

Today..I am 24 years old...

The Indian ladies at my "new job" *let's see how long it last* thinks that I haven't graduated high school yet!! Exciting because I get to lie about my age..

N you better believe that I am....as of 08-08- 2008... I am 21 years old..I have a fake id..that lets me into everywhere.. But honestly I'm old...a tender 24... PPl at the door act like they know what year is what..so anyone can sneak in...

Sooo.. I went out w/ one of my boys..I'm in my pj's watchin both of the girls get cut off of "So you think you can dance" when my phone rings..

Baby girl is with her father.....I have no comment.. Me minus negativity...


Neway I answer.. "Let's go to blue flame" it's a strip club .....I really out grew that..a long time ago..But whatever...free drinks, and I drink nothing but Patron! Let's see some booty!!

So none the less I had fun..I am so tipsy right now..that its taking forever for me to type this,,,

Me signing out..

Birthdaygirl 08-08-08

Yuh

Well....

Ya girl...or the girl you love to hate.. how ever you see it..

Has a job now...

It's far as hell from home..

But it's doing what I want to do...

And it's at another Montessori school.. It's more money..so I won't feel like a damn slave..

Baby girl can go also!!

They are going to work around my school schedule too!!

I also got some great new's yesterday..

I passed this writing exam that I need to graduate! Wheew*...boy you should have saw me sweating..sitting next to my girl Jazz while we were taking that test..I need to call her and see how she did. I got the weirdest topics to write on..4 of them..

I finally picked something that went a lil bit like this..Pick a tv/movie character and tell why their character is appealing or unappealing...

I sat there baffled... Panicking really..

After about a half an hour..I finally picked House..I picked the opposite of unappealing because everyone knows he's an ass.. figured I would flip the switch..

Intro- Of course everyone sees House character as a cantankerous, lonely doctor who finds some way in a hour to solve a medical mystery every week..but he is the shit... **Nah, I didn't say that..but you get the idea***

Idea one- He's thorough

Idea two- He never gives up

Idea three- He has a disability, and it doesn't stop him

Conclusion- He is the shit

I actually thought I wouldn't pass...Even though I tend to pass everything except math.. But I'm excited that I did..one step closer to being where I want to...slowly but surly..slowly but surely..

So now I will bless you with this...

I love when people
Say that I'm evil
Because that just
Proves I'm not
It proves that
I'm a working angel
In progress..

Who has fallen before
Because my wings
Were stripped of air
Yet, I soared again
Because I learned
How to deal
With the steady winds
and constant storms
That I never have
An umbrella for
Because I can't flyy
And hold onto it
I might fall

I am a leo
We are anything but
Evil...
We take so much
Until we are forced
Basically we ain't
Got no choice
But...to eat you..
Once we are done
We clean ourselves up
Cuz you done made
Us get dirty
And lawd knows
We are just
Tooo damn pretty
To be rolling
in the dirt
w/ people who
Can't admit..
That they have issues..

***********************************************************************************************

And I can go on and on
You can't remix me
I'm the one and only
And I promise..
That the only thing
That I'm vain about
Is my poetry...
Cuz
.....It's so fucking pretty

It's raw
Just like having fun
When you know
Everythings safe
And you're in love
Come to me
And let me pin
Some of my poems
On your walls
Because I'm the realest
You'll get...
And you don't have
To travel far
I'm not hard to find
For now..it's
.....poetrynoir

The prettiest shit
What is it..
North or South
Of the Mason-Dixie line
I don't know anything
Bout direction
As you can see
By the way my life
Keeps flinging me
This-a-witch way
And I thought...
I was...
TIRED
I gotta say it
Bitch please

Ups and downs
That's what makes life
Somewhat interesting
Twisted fun
I swear I got stories to tell
If I could get them out
In a linear patter
My ish my just sell
Pinned up secrets
Just ready to be
Revealed..
And I think
I'm finally ready
That I can tell...

***********************************************************************************************

Well the violence
Has unmasked it's self
Back home
I talked to my Daddy
Said a 19 year old boy
Got shot in the chest
And died
On a street called Monroe

Black on Black violence
I don't like cliche's
So I know it won't ever end
But that doesn't mean
I can't hope..
For peace..

And the audacity
For me to have hope
Because being black
Means according to CNN
We are automatically targeted
We are looked down upon
As a black stain
That won't go away
And those who are weak
Chose not to try
To integrate
So they remain stagnant
These are the..
Robbers, murder, rapist
The one's hollerin at the liquor stores
What my grandma called Niggers

It's a mind set
And whom ever
killed lil buddy
Needs to repent
Because I believe
In the power of
Self forgiveness

But as I write this
I am sad for
He who lost his life
On Monroe
He wasn't the first
I wish it wasn't true
But I'm sure he won't be
The last..
To die leaving behind
Blood stained concrete and grass
Family and Friends
Who'll miss them
And who'll say their last goodbyes
As they lower them into the ground
As they cry..

McCoy

Thinking of my grandma last night made me think of where we came from...

My grandma had a lot of brothers..more than sisters *it was a lot of them*..

But I remember people in our family saying they don't want none of us..cuz we are the real McCoy..

From what I gathered from being a child is that we came from this family down in Kentucky who got into it with this family the Hatfields. 1878 is when the shit hit the fan. I learned that it was possibly started when one of the Hatfields wanted to marry one of my people. Of course the McCoys wasn't having it..and all hell broke loose. Then the Hatfields and McCoys got into it over a hog. Hatfields said it was theirs, and of course "we" had to dee-bo it..lol
The final straw was when one of the chicks from the McCoys..left and went to move to West VA to be with one of the Hatfield boys. The chick eventually went back home to the McCoys, but when she realized that she wasn't going to let them dictate her life...the McCoy men kidnapped her man. The guy who got kidnapped said this was too much, and married his ex's cousin...also a McCoy :)

The feud ended in 1891 after it had attracted media attention..the state government from both KY and VA stepped in. By the time it was over dozens of people were dead from both sides.

Okay..

So this is where I get my "whiteness" ya'll. My grandma had grey eyes, and the rest of her brothers and sisters either had hazel or blue..yes blue..I have one uncle now who is still living..High yellow with baby blue eyes....

But what I found while reacherching the feud was....

There has been some recent speculation in the press (Associated Press, April 6, 2007) that the feud may have been fueled in part by a rare tumor, pheochromocytoma ("pheo"), that sometimes leads to "hair-trigger rage and violent outbursts." In the McCoy family, pheos are one of the consequences of a rare disease known as Von Hippel-Lindau disease (VHL), which is prevalent among McCoy descendants.[9] The condition sometimes produces tumors of the adrenal gland (pheochromocytomas), leading to excess adrenaline production. According to the National Cancer Institute, most people interpret these surges as panic attacks or palpitations. Pheos occur also in the general population, and in families with any of five other genetic mutations.[10] wikipedia.com

And then...

Several genetic experts have known about the disease plaguing some of the McCoys for decades, but kept it secret. The Associated Press learned of it after several family members revealed their history to Vanderbilt doctors, who are trying to find more McCoy relatives to warn them of the risk.

Affected family members have long been known to be combative, even with their kin. Reynolds recalled her grandfather, “Smallwood” McCoy.
“When he would come to visit, everyone would run and hide. They acted like they were scared to death of him. He had a really bad temper,” she said.

"Medical folks like to find these kinds of explanations. Like the Salem witchcraft thing. That book came out about how that was caused by wheat that was grown that had this parasite or mold or fungus or something that caused everybody in Salem to go nuts,” she said.


Anyway...I just thought I would share a bit about where I originated from...we'll the one side at least..


I'm a real McCoy...

....

If you were here
I wouldn't have
Lasted this long
in this place
We call the "A"
I would have
come rushing home..
I would have thrown
This life away

Just to sit at
Your kitchen table
And look into your
Eyes..
While your admire
My baby..
But now I talk
To the sky

I know you're wringing
Your hands..
At all this stuff
I'm going through
But your life wasn't
Easy either
But look at what trouble
Made you...

The tales you told me..
As a child..
I listened..
and I watched..
Some brought tears
To my eyes
Because my grandma
was so strong..
and I knew one day
I would have to carry
Your legacy
Alone..

If you were here
We could have a toast
to my 24 years
Here on this
Tainted earth
Where I had
The most
Meaningful relationship
With the greatest person
You..
My grandmother..
The person to touch
Me..
First...


*****

I miss her so much. I was 6mts pregnant when she died. For the fact that my placenta felt like it was being ripped apart when I cried..I couldn't grieve. I suppressed it all..and til this day I can't really say that I have. I am crying as I'm typing this. I had a dream about her 2 nites ago..and she said to me "You haven't been looking for me"...I gave her a big hug..

The last time I talked to her, I was at my doctors appt. about to drink that nasty stuff to test to see if you have gestational diabetes. *funny she had diebites*..anyway..I loved Doc Martin shoes when I was in high school. I had worn a pair she bought me to the doctors that day *they had to be 2 or 3 years old*Which I never wore any more..something that day told me to wear them... I told her how much I weighed which was close to 170..and she told me I better stop eating so much. I remember looking down at my shoes..

I never thought that would be the last time that I would talk to her.

Happy Birthday Famous!

Happy Birthday to Famous!!

Four years ago she was brought into this world.

I remember the day we met.

The breeders house smelled so bad I was in such a hurry to make my exit with her..

But it was worth it because I got her.. She was smaller than my hand...

She hid underneath a pillow for about 2 days, because she had no idea where she was..

Pretty soon she was hitching rides around in my bra and built in tank tops..

Happy 4th Birthday Fame!

Covered

I watched a movie yesterday called "Covered". It had a lot of known black actors..Leon was in it ya'll!! The two main characters husband and wife, I've seen them before but can't tell you what their names are. Anyway..ya'll need to watch that movie. I'm not going to give you a premise of the movie because ya'll need to rent it. To tell you something about it..it was centered around down low brothers..it was funny and dramatic and very suspenseful.

Me and my girl were talking..after it was over..and I was telling her about someone who took me to a gay bar in a well known gay area when we first got together. And he was super cool about it. Now at the time I'm thinking that this maybe the only spot for us to get drinks. Now that I think about it..How did he know about that spot?? Had he been there before without me?. I know most men wouldn't dare go to a gay bar.."male" gay bar if that was the only place to get drinks on earth..Hmm..Now I'm wondering..

He always had elaborate stories about the women he slept with, and how his male member was so great. Was he overcompensating for something? Now I would run afraid if a guy talks about another woman in my presence, and if gave more glory to his penis than to God..then I would say deuces. But I should have put up the peace sign after he took me to that gay bar...So I wonder now..after the fact what his motivation was?

Now we've come to the conclusion from my blog..almost every woman has thought or fantasized about another woman. A many have had their dreams come true. I'm starting to think the same about men...

Seven Dollar's...Bitch

So my girl..the one who always gives me so much insight..stuff I already know and can tell people, but somehow I can't take my own advice. Anyway she had me cracking up when I told her about this....and she now calls the situation "Seven Dollars Bitch"

I have been sending my resume everywhere. I've been on 2 interviews.

So I don't know maybe Monday I checked my gmail account. After remembering that the email on my resume is for gmail. So I got a reply back. Damn I said..That's not good. I emailed them anyway. Their name was Wande..I'm like man or woman???

So I email "it" and tell them this and that. I ask if they are still interested.

In less than 5 mins. in my inbox was a reply that said resend your resume.

So I do...............

Your reseume looks great. Can you please come in for an interview Monday morning anytime between 8am-10am. Please bring a portfolio if you have one, sample lesson plans or anything else that will give us a glimpse of who you are. We have hired our lead teachers and must hire our teacher assistant by Monday afternoon. The position will start on Tuesday, July 29, 2008. We run on the same calendar year as Clayton County Pre-School system, so when they are out for holiday/breaks, pre-k is out as well. We are lookin for an organized individual ith a deep love for children. The state does pop up visits and bonuses are dependent on how well you score during the state visits.The starting salary for a para-pro (teachers assistant in $6.55-$7.00 per hour. This position only requires that the individual be at least 21 years old and you must provide a criminal background check if hired. We look forward to seeing you, if you are interested.

Misspelled words and punctuation mistakes..is it that hard to use spell check?


Okay..

So I talk to my girl. I give her the run down and what not. She was cracking up at the fact that I could actually make 45 cent's less. She called me the Seven Dollar Bitch... Then she told me what I already knew..That I just needed a check..




So I go on the interview....

I get there..and boy..I see why they are paying 7.00. The application ya'll..Was typed for the most part. But you better believe somebody forgot something and was too lazy to do it over..so they decided to draw in the subject lines that they forgot. Desired Salary_______.

I fill out the application. I'm sitting there and waiting. Listening to the voices around me. Boy...It was African American Vernacular Land..

Okay..I don't talk about people. Wande is a woman. Here is her description. She's cute in the face. She has coaco brown skin, and a huge ass. It was just out there, and you know a skinny girl like me sometimes has ass envy. Then I wake up and realize that I am healthy, and I have year and years to get old and "thick". Where she goes wrong is..That hair..it wasn't her hair. And if yo shit looks like a damn rug...please women don't just think it's okay to walk around like that. It was like a curly afro, I guess. But that shit looked a hot mess.

Anyway we begin the interview. I tell her that I made a powerpoint of some lesson plans. She was pleased. We talked. I had the job. She told me that they had hired the lead teacher in the email she sent me the previous day, but somehow the day of my interview..they just couldn't find the right person..Well yeah..
She showed me the school. Paint was chipping off of the walls. The floors were dirty. EW. It smelled of mold. Then she showed me the classroom that I would be in. It was 10 times worse. She said the previous teacher had to just take stuff off of the wall. No..it looked like she let the kids have a lets fuck up this room party.


So anyway I asked if my baby girl could go there. Knowing that I REALLY don't want her to. But at least we could be together. She said yes....for 45 dollars a week... *gulp*

She gives me the paper work for baby girl..and tells me she will call me tomorrow..Which was yesterday.

I didn't hear from her.

I email her... asking if she found the lead teacher yet..


This is what I got..

"we are still searching for the lead teacher. just can't find the right person with the proper credentials and good in the classroom. i apologize for the delay, i wasn't at the center yesterday and i'm not there today, either. we did hire an assistant teacher who holds a degree in early childhood education and is very familiar with the bright from the start requirements and state requirements so it would not involve as much training on our part. thank you for your interview and good luck in your job search!"



Wow..a person with a degree is going to work for 7.00...I am amazed. I would have worked there ya'll. My meditation that I use in my daily life worked. I meditated on the fact that I am exactly where I am supposed to be. Because of both my blessings, and choices good or bad. I meditated on me being able to make my dreams come true because to break it down. I am my own God, who is lead by some spiritual being.
That job wasn't right for me...

So this is my plan...gotta have a plan..

I will continue to look. But as long as I stay home. And don't drive much. I can just buy food and stay put until I have to.

My school has me f-ed up. I should have graduated like 2 years ago..but I missed classes because they only offer the damn thing once a year, or they only have one damn class, at one time.. Which is what I'm running into now. So I've decided it's time for me to transfer. My classes are all through the day..everyday like they were last fall/spring. It was very hard..school was my life. And I actually do well if that is my only focus.
But if I do find a job that is during the day..I lose classes. Ahhh..

Everything will work out...I have faith.. in me..