Baby Boy- My Friday Post

Baby Boy..This is one of my favorite African American Movies for so many reasons. John Singleton really did his thing with this one. It told the truth about so many boys..that are still babies. Out there planting seeds, that they aren't ready to help water. It opened my eyes to "ghetto" love. I have never dated a thug. So I don't know if I'm missing anything, but this movie gave me a feel of what that would be like. He would always be "running" around on me.. Even though I wouldn't classify Jody *Tyrese* as a thug. He was just "hood" I guess. Cali hood....ya'll know Californians are on some other ish. Basically all of my family lives there so I know. Anyway, I'm going to try to describe my favorite scenes... I can't remember the baby's momma name *Tayari* is her real name, but she was the mother of Jodys son. Her and Jody had just got done fighting, and she was saying she hates him..this and that. She ran down the stairs and told him she hated him in his face. He took her upstairs..and threw her on the bed, and they had sex. Then he said something like I know you gonna go cook them tacos. And she was like yep, Im'a cook them tacos, I'ma clean up. Then..when Ving Rhames had Jodys mama in her room hopping around the room in some kinda sex position that I've never seen. And Jody was in the other room listening. That ish was funny... The scene that I didn't like seeing..was when Jody took *Tayari* to the abortion clinic..And she was laying in the bed hurting, and he asked to use the car..WTF? Anyway..What is your favorite scene or part of "Baby Boy"???

......

No one is perfect
There is no such thing
It's only imaginary
It's only a dream
There will always be people
Who are handicapped
Who have stretch marks
Who are cross eyed
Who stutter every word
There will always be people
Who are bald
People that starve
Themselves on purpose
Who are suffering from something
They are unsure of
There will always be people
Who will cut themselves
Just to see blood flow
There will always be people
Who need help..
Out in this imperfect world

But does this mean
That the imperfect person
Doesn't deserve to experience love
Just because the perfect world
Seems them as all wrong?

08..someday..08

So I guess my class is behaving better. But everyday when I come in *Mikey* the boy who is autistic and his parents won't accept it..is shitty..I mean I can smell it when I walk into the door. Today I was designated to change his pull up. I did it..and it brought back memories when I had a co-op job as an asst. teacher at a special needs school..and the teachers made me change all of their diapers. But I was 17!! And these kids didn't have half of the sense that Mikey has..Mikeys wasn't watery, so it wasn't that bad. I talked to his father, about potty training him. Tomorrow he's sending changes of clothes and underwear. I'm gonna try to work with him. Even though I don't know how to potty train a lil boy. I asked his father if they stand up or sit down. He laughed and said they can do both. So we are going to see what I can do w/ lil Mikey. He is so cute though ya'll. He's mixed white and spanish. He has big cheeks and I squeeze em. I try to make him smile, after I got over the initial fear of me not being able to control him. He still likes to spin around in the middle of the floor, but as long as he's not eating inedible items and not hurting himself then hes fine. He said hi to me the day before yesterday. I thought it was sweet. I'm thinking maybe he does like me a lil bit. We'll see.

In a world of my own
I spin
I turn
People yell at me
And I don't know why
I am silent
But I scream
From the inside
And no one
Hears me cry

I am trying to break through
But no one has the patients
To deal with
The issues placed before me
They all run away...
With a headache..
With a head that is shaking..
Praying that someone
Can reach me
But it's not them..

Until then
I am a boy
With spinning dreams
Waiting for someone
To wake me up
From this haze
That hangs over my world
And turn the volume up
On my screams
On blast
Because I am here
I'm just waiting on
Someone to find me...
And grab my hand
Pulling me out of this hole
That my parents
Refuse to believe
I have fallen into
They won't admit
That I'm autistic
Instead they view me
As their perfect little boy...

*****************************************
Words are stronger than actions
Checks pay the bills
But attitudes kill
And that's the truth
Ya dig?

How can someone love
A person they don't deserve
How can someone love
A person who they throw in the dirt
How can someone love
A person they can't stand
It's impossible..
I raise my right hand
To testify to that
I'm for real

Love is more than action
It's the words that go along
Words are written into stone
Sometimes actions get forgotten
But once you write something down
It's there forever
And it's not hard
For it to be easily found
All because people confuse
Love with actions
And completley forget
About actions that compliment words

Love is something
I don't give up on easily
But once I realize
That I'm being abused
I hit the door..
Because I'm too flyy
To be sporting anyones bruise
Just because they got mad
Confusing love...
With nothing but actions
But the words..
That go along with love
Have to always
Match actions....
Or it ain't really love

***************************

..

I am so scared
To even date
Because every time a dude
Even looks at me
I question if he's gay?
Does he hang out in Midtown
Is he pretending to be straight
Would he take me to a gay bar
Would he say
That we were there
Just to grab a drink?
Because that's what I think
When every dude
Opens his mouth to speak..

Even if I do use a condom
If he's worthy of getting me
Into the sheets
The rubber might break
And all of his nut
Will be emptied
Into my stuff
Possibly making me sick
Forever
And then eventually
Killing me off...
Putting me down
For a never ending sleep

All because of what I thought
Was pleasure
But it was only
The devil planting
His evil seed
Because if I let my guard down
A man could just do this to me
Any day now..
Any moment...
I could find out he is gay
When all of this time
He had me fooled
Pretending to be straight

How bout this scenario
He stays w/ a dude
But he claims
That his roommate
Is just his friend
And pays rent
But come to find out
He was letting him
Beat his meat
All of this passed time
And now I am subjected
Possibly to HIV
And could be dying
Right now..
As I speak..

Nah I'm straight
On that D tip
Because I'll never know
If that penis
That is trying to get me
Has a strange discharge
Dripping from it
All because he might of
Stuck it in some nasty bitch
And may want
To contaminate me..next
This is what I think about
Every time a man..
Approaches me..
I'm thinking that he's sweet

*************************************

I have nothing to say
Yet I'm amazed
The thoughts seem
To fly by
Through my head
Quite fast...
Hauling ass..

I am ready
To finish what I started
The most important
Part of me...
I have yet to achieve
I just want
To finish school
It's the last piece to my puzzle
I'm in desperate need

I have dreams
That I will not share
Because haters can
Aim arrows
And knock them
Right out of mid air
I'll keep them to myself
So I won't get jinxed

So for my conclusion
I am miserable
At the moment
Because I just need to do
What I must
And that is finish school
I am so close
Yet so far
And every time
I'm held back
It leaves a scar
On my heart
Because I'm one step
Further behind..
Every semester I sit out
My time ticks by...

********************************

One Bad Bipolar Beauty..ahhhh ya'll thought I was gonna say Bitch!

So... Today was the first day of school. And OMG!! I don't think I've been stressed out by kids like this before. I've opened a can of worms. On my resume from a looonnngg time ago had that my major was special ed. Which it was..like umpteen years ago..lol. But not anymore! So when I was hired the director was excited that I had experience *I worked @ a special needs school before* and then was when I decided this ain't for me. She told me she had two special needs children. Ya'll when I get there..I spot about 6. I get there at nap time, and the special kids are running around. Turning on the water. Eating stuff that isn't edible. They wouldn't be still for nothing. Then trying to get them up for nap and having them sit on the circle was a task. It's like they don't understand. One little girl won't talk. I was trying to work with her, but it was hopeless for today. So after snack most of the kids clear out. Guess who I'm left with. About 8 boys..And half of them are on a space ship headed to a different planet. I'm like damnit. One kid is screaming *is special* about how he wants his mom. An autistic little boy *who's parents refuse to believe that anything is wrong w/ him..they think he'll grow out of it* It's not going to happen. I have no idea what to do w/ boys. Like I said I think they are innately bad, and born with attention spans of ants.

Then my job..they are breaking so many codes. They don't wash the sheets after nap time. EW. They don't have hot water. EW. I saw a teacher breaking hot dogs in half w/ her hands. No gloves. @ my old job we washed the sheets and blankets everyday, but I thought it was gross that we didn't wipe the mats down everyday.

I don't know.. baby girl won't be eating / drinking anything from there when and if she goes. She will have her own sleeping bag probably. She won't be sleeping on another kids germs and skin cells.

Other than me having no materials to do projects with, and I'm dealing with bored kids because they have no resources. Everything is great!

Pray for me and the speds'...

Aye...do ya'll remember any games that we used to play as kids..other than simon says, mother may I, red light green light, musical chairs? Ya'll got any suggestions?

Anyway.. Here we go..what I do best..

I am dizzy

Sometimes I miss a dose

Of you..the cure

I'm all screwed up

.....I'm lost

I'm tired of

Ingesting you into my stream

But if I don't

I'll turn from blue to green

And if I am green

And not blue

Then I'm dead..fa sho

My balance is on track

As you dissolve

Heading immediately to my brain

How can I possibly fall

When you are here

.....Doing your job

"Fixing me"

Just as long as I swallow you

With water every day

I'm cool..

I've felt it for myself

I refused to believe

In the beginning

Of my bipolar journey

What Dr. A said

That it would stop raining

One day..

And I would be able to

Soak in the sun rays

And experience true..happiness

She said positively

With a smile upon her face

She is right

I've felt it

And it is just what she said

Dryer..no longer wet

It sometimes drizzles, still

But that's why I work on myself

So much..

So I'll have the proper tools

To go along with my skills..

That I've acquired

To whether..another cliche'

another..storm

I don't hear voices

I don't start fights

Over random beef

With stupid girls

Who dream to be me

Even though I'm supposedly "crazy"

I never converse

With myself

I do not see shit

And I wear panties

In public

I keep my legs close

When I wear dresses and skirts

If I don't cover her up

She might catch a cold

I am not psychotic

I am only 3/4 of the way gone

.......If that..

I get happy..

Then I'm sad..

Depression is the worst

It hurts..

It hurts..

It hurts..

Bad..

I panic

I am anxious

This is the hardest to control

Because if you can't hide it

Damnit..it's bound to show

I'll cry..

When normally I hold it

......Deep deep inside

Of course..I explode

At totally inappropriate times

Dumping a very very heavy load

Tears dripping down my face

Turing my eyes blood shot red

*******************************

Freedom

Of

Information

Act

Is what Foia stands for

I ain't got nothing to do

With the government

But I tell it like it is

Uncensored

Like it or not

I got a hott mouth

To go along

W/ my bad body

I got my head on my shoulders

I wish one would

Try to knock

Off my block

I'll take my pistol

I'm about to

Get a permit for

Out my purse

And pop you off

That's the gansta girl

Coming out in me

Benny Ha Ha

Went through hood training

Now I'm a beast

And if you keep on playing

I will give you..

A special little treat

A gift from my best friend

Who I call heat..

**************************

I got jumped into a gang

In the 3rd grade

We didn't know nothing

About being G's

Except our color was blue

And we rep'd

The 6 point star

Our enemies

Were the vice lords

Who rep'd red

We were advised

To aim at their heads

With what guns

I don't know

They were imaginary

Invisible air

That's what happens

When little ones

Hang w/ older kids

Get into some other shit

That they've seen done

Thinking its alright

To pass on..

I know now

We couldn't have been serious

We had no artillery

We had no guns

How could we possibly

Get shit popped off?

We couldn't..even if we'd have tried

Absolutely not..

I was a child..

I still claim

To be a G

Just not in the streets

But in the poetry game

I'm a killer

I love the color blue

And that's a pretty star

But my third grade gang experience

Will be something I always look back at

And laugh..at that shit

Forever..hahahahahah..

**********************

Titles Why?

I am having a panic attack.

Argggh. I can't cope with not being able to control the circumstances that surround me.

I can't see my future be put on hold on second longer.

I keep getting lost because I'm always sent to a detour on this ride called life.

I know. Stronger. Stronger. Stronger I will be. But I'm tired of pumping iron. I'm ready to finish the fight.

Okay..Experience it with me.

There is not enough oxygen
Making it into my lungs
So I hyperventilate
Trying to breath slow
Because this feeling
Is really uncomfortable
I feel as if I'm going to
Pass out..

My chest hurts
Because I'm stressed
There is a pill
I can pop
But I don't want to take it
Because I'll quickly fall asleep
And I've got to go to work
Feeling melancholy
Trying to hide my somber mood

I feel like crying
I'm sure I need to
Before it comes out
At the wrong time
And I look like a fool
I just wish this pain
Would go away
Because anxiety attacks
Aren't something that
I usually go through
I'm trying to breathe now
But it's getting really hard
I feel like I need to go
Pass out

It will pass. I will be fine again. This is just a rough patch. It feels as if a elephant is sitting upon my chest. So people I will be back later. So holla... I needed to release this. Poetrynoir..is my therapy...

By: Lateef McLeod

I saw a really good movie today that made me cry on BET of all places.I finally can watch a movie after I messed up my movie roll due to my fear at the time. It was called Lackawanna Blues..and it had yet again an all star black cast. Macy Grey, the Black captain *shame I don't know her name* but she is on Law and Order, and Terrence Howard. The *captain* had a boarding house, and she took in this little boy because his momma and daddy weren't fit to take care of him in her eyes. She did what was best for him. But I can't imagine leaving my baby behind..so it brought tears to my eyes..Anyway the *captain* took in everyone she could.. I don't know if I would want a boarding house, but I do want to, definitely before I die have a non profit mental heath organization. It is a must...

I found this poem today on myspace on a disability advocacy page. I've heard about him before, but never took the time to read anything by him. But his name is Lateef McLeod, and is a writer from Oakland, CA who happens to have cerebral palsy. I think this poem is beautifully written..and basically made me swallow..
***when I copied and pasted it from myspace the line breaks were no more...but i think i broke it right..i hope so..if not..I apologize*

by: Lateef McLeod copyright 2007

Swallow
You say to me
And I really do try
Cuz I be wearing tight fits
Like Rocawear jeans, big Ekco shirts, Gap hoodies
And when I am really
GQ in tailor made suits
And drool does not go with a tailor made suit
You know I try to look suave 24 7
So there shouldn’t be a problem with me swallowing, right?
Well I have to remember to swallow
Every minute
Every hour
Every day
That means when I roll down the street
Swallow
Whenever I talk to someone
Swallow
When I exercise
Swallow
When I go to school
Swallow
Cuz I don’t want anyone to see me drool, especially you
You always say that it makes me look gross
And It is not my attention to gross you out
So I try to swallow like a mad man
I (swallow)
Try and (swallow)
Consciously do something
(swallow)
That everyone else
(swallow)
Does unconsciously
(swallow)
And you still
(swallow)
Can’t understand
(swallow) Why
(swallow)
Can’t I
(swallow)
Learn to swallow
(swallow)
All the time
(swallow) It is like
(swallow) To toss you a tennis ball
(swallow)
Telling you
(swallow)
To throw it
(swallow)
The air and catch it
(swallow)
Every 15 seconds
(swallow)
And yell at you
(swallow)
When you drop the ball
Swallow
Just swallow
Come on and swallow
You know you want to

http://www.myspace.com/sinsinvalid

So the writers on this website are mostly all physically disabled. Where as when it is "mental" people can't see it, and there for have a hard time understanding. I know from wanting to be a special ed teacher that people with any type of disability doesn't want to be treated any different. No one wants to be pitied.

People kill me when and if they find out that I have bipolar. "Fallon it doesn't seem like it. Nu-uh." I am usually my jovial self. But the people who contribute to sinsinvalid basically have no choice. They where a badge everyday. That is heroic.

24

So...I partied like a damn rock star Thursday night, and Friday night... Tonight it is time to sit it down and do what I love most..write



Thursday- Blue Flame..In the heart of Bankhead... Straight hood.. But there was some beautiful women in there.. I wanted to see if I had game..and I do..I got some digits... ain't gonna use em..but it was just an experiment..I got game..lol



Friday- I went to Spondivitz..They burnt the crap out of my coconut shrimp..I wasn't impressed. I didn't send it back..didn't want them to do anything to my food. Then I went to yet another strip club w/ my indian friends.*Just giving you a description of who I was rolling with* Yet again..I had to see if my game was really tight..Yes it was..I macked this white girl called Shaquita..lol..what a stage name.... My boys told her it was my bday..and she grabbed my legs and wrapped them around her..You should have seen the guys faces around me..The thoughts that probably went through their heads.. My friend boys actually got mad..and treated me funny at Waffle House. I told them I wouldn't entertain their bullshit and told my boy to walk me to my car.

Anyway..like I said seeing if I could pick up strippers it was just an experiment...

But to this day..I haven't done the procedures. But I have a hypothesis...



Boy..I haven't gotten that tipsy since I was partying in HS w/ my bff *K*. I woke up Friday morning w/ a damn head ache cuz I drank red wine and patron..the two obviously don't mix.



Then this morning..I threw up.. I hate hangovers..



This afternoon I went to see the new Batman movie..It was pretty good..Even though I was lost a lil bit, cuz I really didn't know anything about Mr. bat himself... But Heath Ledger *sp* was awesome. I couldn't even tell that he was the Joker. He looked nothing like himself.... check it out if you haven't.. I wonder if his daughter will ever be comfortable watching that movie when she grows up? RIP Heath..and Bernie Mac...He was a chocolate handsome older man..He will be greatly missed.

Yes..I made it to 24....I want 70+ more...

*************************************************************
Here is a story

A lil bit about me

I am deep

Deeper than any

Ocean or Sea

A great mind

Sometimes has trouble

But the deciding factor

Is if that beautiful mind cracks

Forever...



I have been paranoid

About loosing my life

Ever since I was 16

And several of my friends

Were killed

Death intrigued me

Because I thought

I would be next

So why not

Prepare for it?



Some died in car accidents

While traveling on

Eau Claire roads

Leaving behind their body

And escaping with their souls

I experience suicide

Someone I was really close to

His sister and I

Were snowflake and mocha

Inseparable

..........We kicked it hard

But I knew him first

And it hurt my heart

Today he leaves behind

Once, his beautiful blond girl friend *doesn't blonde have an e?*

And his child

We were in high school

My junior year

I cheered @ his last game

against Berrien Springs

I will never forget it

Jennifer came and told me

@ work..

I was 16...

That he blew his head off

........With a shot gun

Which completely shattered me

Because he had the guts

To do that to "us"

The audacity

For him to leave

Behind his child



And knew I was next..

Death stalked me

I just figured

I would be the

Next target..

I sank deeper into depression

Because everything I saw

Was grey

I was just waiting

For mr. death

To come find me

and steal me away



I thought about dying

Each

And

Every

Day



And ideation

I need to get rid of

I'm getting closer

To a better place

I think that now

I am okay

With death waiting

For me

***************************************************************************

My name alone

Attracts drama into my life

I was named after a soap opera character

One of the baddest bitches I hear

On tv in the 80's...

I bet you can't guess..

If you don't already know.... :)

It's funny though

I sit back and laugh

At the stories

I will be able

To tell

Some about heaven

Some about hell

But in the end

It's all worth it

Because I was

Born into this world...

For a reason..

And I'm still alive

So I haven't achieved it

I am well rounded

Drop Dead Gorgeous

Vain.. only if you make me

I will flip my hair

In a minute

On stupid ass bitches

The one who have that gene

I always talk about

That I don't posses

Cuz I'm down to earth

And I love that

The most

About myself..

But that doesn't

Scare drama

It follows me

Everywhere..

Like it's trying to be

My best friend

I don't like to start it

It's always others

Causing harm

But when I find myself

In the mist of it all..

I think about falling

But look at me

Ya girl or not

Is still standing

And not writing

For only me anymore

I write for ya'll...

**************************************************************

I got fans

Is what my boy Snook

Used to say

He met me at the mall

On the way to my job

Back in Kalamazoo days

He wanted to "talk" to me

But I made him my boy

And we kicked it hard

Until I left Michigan

But he made me aware

That damnit

I am a star

So thank you

To all of my fans

The ones who stop by

And I do not know

You are a fan

Because you just stare

To afraid maybe

To show your face

But I won't bite

Actually I'm quite nice

But I just wanted

To take this time out

To say hello...

To those of you

I do not know....

08081984

Today..I am 24 years old...

The Indian ladies at my "new job" *let's see how long it last* thinks that I haven't graduated high school yet!! Exciting because I get to lie about my age..

N you better believe that I am....as of 08-08- 2008... I am 21 years old..I have a fake id..that lets me into everywhere.. But honestly I'm old...a tender 24... PPl at the door act like they know what year is what..so anyone can sneak in...

Sooo.. I went out w/ one of my boys..I'm in my pj's watchin both of the girls get cut off of "So you think you can dance" when my phone rings..

Baby girl is with her father.....I have no comment.. Me minus negativity...


Neway I answer.. "Let's go to blue flame" it's a strip club .....I really out grew that..a long time ago..But whatever...free drinks, and I drink nothing but Patron! Let's see some booty!!

So none the less I had fun..I am so tipsy right now..that its taking forever for me to type this,,,

Me signing out..

Birthdaygirl 08-08-08

Yuh

Well....

Ya girl...or the girl you love to hate.. how ever you see it..

Has a job now...

It's far as hell from home..

But it's doing what I want to do...

And it's at another Montessori school.. It's more money..so I won't feel like a damn slave..

Baby girl can go also!!

They are going to work around my school schedule too!!

I also got some great new's yesterday..

I passed this writing exam that I need to graduate! Wheew*...boy you should have saw me sweating..sitting next to my girl Jazz while we were taking that test..I need to call her and see how she did. I got the weirdest topics to write on..4 of them..

I finally picked something that went a lil bit like this..Pick a tv/movie character and tell why their character is appealing or unappealing...

I sat there baffled... Panicking really..

After about a half an hour..I finally picked House..I picked the opposite of unappealing because everyone knows he's an ass.. figured I would flip the switch..

Intro- Of course everyone sees House character as a cantankerous, lonely doctor who finds some way in a hour to solve a medical mystery every week..but he is the shit... **Nah, I didn't say that..but you get the idea***

Idea one- He's thorough

Idea two- He never gives up

Idea three- He has a disability, and it doesn't stop him

Conclusion- He is the shit

I actually thought I wouldn't pass...Even though I tend to pass everything except math.. But I'm excited that I did..one step closer to being where I want to...slowly but surly..slowly but surely..

So now I will bless you with this...

I love when people
Say that I'm evil
Because that just
Proves I'm not
It proves that
I'm a working angel
In progress..

Who has fallen before
Because my wings
Were stripped of air
Yet, I soared again
Because I learned
How to deal
With the steady winds
and constant storms
That I never have
An umbrella for
Because I can't flyy
And hold onto it
I might fall

I am a leo
We are anything but
Evil...
We take so much
Until we are forced
Basically we ain't
Got no choice
But...to eat you..
Once we are done
We clean ourselves up
Cuz you done made
Us get dirty
And lawd knows
We are just
Tooo damn pretty
To be rolling
in the dirt
w/ people who
Can't admit..
That they have issues..

***********************************************************************************************

And I can go on and on
You can't remix me
I'm the one and only
And I promise..
That the only thing
That I'm vain about
Is my poetry...
Cuz
.....It's so fucking pretty

It's raw
Just like having fun
When you know
Everythings safe
And you're in love
Come to me
And let me pin
Some of my poems
On your walls
Because I'm the realest
You'll get...
And you don't have
To travel far
I'm not hard to find
For now..it's
.....poetrynoir

The prettiest shit
What is it..
North or South
Of the Mason-Dixie line
I don't know anything
Bout direction
As you can see
By the way my life
Keeps flinging me
This-a-witch way
And I thought...
I was...
TIRED
I gotta say it
Bitch please

Ups and downs
That's what makes life
Somewhat interesting
Twisted fun
I swear I got stories to tell
If I could get them out
In a linear patter
My ish my just sell
Pinned up secrets
Just ready to be
Revealed..
And I think
I'm finally ready
That I can tell...

***********************************************************************************************

Well the violence
Has unmasked it's self
Back home
I talked to my Daddy
Said a 19 year old boy
Got shot in the chest
And died
On a street called Monroe

Black on Black violence
I don't like cliche's
So I know it won't ever end
But that doesn't mean
I can't hope..
For peace..

And the audacity
For me to have hope
Because being black
Means according to CNN
We are automatically targeted
We are looked down upon
As a black stain
That won't go away
And those who are weak
Chose not to try
To integrate
So they remain stagnant
These are the..
Robbers, murder, rapist
The one's hollerin at the liquor stores
What my grandma called Niggers

It's a mind set
And whom ever
killed lil buddy
Needs to repent
Because I believe
In the power of
Self forgiveness

But as I write this
I am sad for
He who lost his life
On Monroe
He wasn't the first
I wish it wasn't true
But I'm sure he won't be
The last..
To die leaving behind
Blood stained concrete and grass
Family and Friends
Who'll miss them
And who'll say their last goodbyes
As they lower them into the ground
As they cry..

McCoy

Thinking of my grandma last night made me think of where we came from...

My grandma had a lot of brothers..more than sisters *it was a lot of them*..

But I remember people in our family saying they don't want none of us..cuz we are the real McCoy..

From what I gathered from being a child is that we came from this family down in Kentucky who got into it with this family the Hatfields. 1878 is when the shit hit the fan. I learned that it was possibly started when one of the Hatfields wanted to marry one of my people. Of course the McCoys wasn't having it..and all hell broke loose. Then the Hatfields and McCoys got into it over a hog. Hatfields said it was theirs, and of course "we" had to dee-bo it..lol
The final straw was when one of the chicks from the McCoys..left and went to move to West VA to be with one of the Hatfield boys. The chick eventually went back home to the McCoys, but when she realized that she wasn't going to let them dictate her life...the McCoy men kidnapped her man. The guy who got kidnapped said this was too much, and married his ex's cousin...also a McCoy :)

The feud ended in 1891 after it had attracted media attention..the state government from both KY and VA stepped in. By the time it was over dozens of people were dead from both sides.

Okay..

So this is where I get my "whiteness" ya'll. My grandma had grey eyes, and the rest of her brothers and sisters either had hazel or blue..yes blue..I have one uncle now who is still living..High yellow with baby blue eyes....

But what I found while reacherching the feud was....

There has been some recent speculation in the press (Associated Press, April 6, 2007) that the feud may have been fueled in part by a rare tumor, pheochromocytoma ("pheo"), that sometimes leads to "hair-trigger rage and violent outbursts." In the McCoy family, pheos are one of the consequences of a rare disease known as Von Hippel-Lindau disease (VHL), which is prevalent among McCoy descendants.[9] The condition sometimes produces tumors of the adrenal gland (pheochromocytomas), leading to excess adrenaline production. According to the National Cancer Institute, most people interpret these surges as panic attacks or palpitations. Pheos occur also in the general population, and in families with any of five other genetic mutations.[10] wikipedia.com

And then...

Several genetic experts have known about the disease plaguing some of the McCoys for decades, but kept it secret. The Associated Press learned of it after several family members revealed their history to Vanderbilt doctors, who are trying to find more McCoy relatives to warn them of the risk.

Affected family members have long been known to be combative, even with their kin. Reynolds recalled her grandfather, “Smallwood” McCoy.
“When he would come to visit, everyone would run and hide. They acted like they were scared to death of him. He had a really bad temper,” she said.

"Medical folks like to find these kinds of explanations. Like the Salem witchcraft thing. That book came out about how that was caused by wheat that was grown that had this parasite or mold or fungus or something that caused everybody in Salem to go nuts,” she said.


Anyway...I just thought I would share a bit about where I originated from...we'll the one side at least..


I'm a real McCoy...

....

If you were here
I wouldn't have
Lasted this long
in this place
We call the "A"
I would have
come rushing home..
I would have thrown
This life away

Just to sit at
Your kitchen table
And look into your
Eyes..
While your admire
My baby..
But now I talk
To the sky

I know you're wringing
Your hands..
At all this stuff
I'm going through
But your life wasn't
Easy either
But look at what trouble
Made you...

The tales you told me..
As a child..
I listened..
and I watched..
Some brought tears
To my eyes
Because my grandma
was so strong..
and I knew one day
I would have to carry
Your legacy
Alone..

If you were here
We could have a toast
to my 24 years
Here on this
Tainted earth
Where I had
The most
Meaningful relationship
With the greatest person
You..
My grandmother..
The person to touch
Me..
First...


*****

I miss her so much. I was 6mts pregnant when she died. For the fact that my placenta felt like it was being ripped apart when I cried..I couldn't grieve. I suppressed it all..and til this day I can't really say that I have. I am crying as I'm typing this. I had a dream about her 2 nites ago..and she said to me "You haven't been looking for me"...I gave her a big hug..

The last time I talked to her, I was at my doctors appt. about to drink that nasty stuff to test to see if you have gestational diabetes. *funny she had diebites*..anyway..I loved Doc Martin shoes when I was in high school. I had worn a pair she bought me to the doctors that day *they had to be 2 or 3 years old*Which I never wore any more..something that day told me to wear them... I told her how much I weighed which was close to 170..and she told me I better stop eating so much. I remember looking down at my shoes..

I never thought that would be the last time that I would talk to her.

Happy Birthday Famous!

Happy Birthday to Famous!!

Four years ago she was brought into this world.

I remember the day we met.

The breeders house smelled so bad I was in such a hurry to make my exit with her..

But it was worth it because I got her.. She was smaller than my hand...

She hid underneath a pillow for about 2 days, because she had no idea where she was..

Pretty soon she was hitching rides around in my bra and built in tank tops..

Happy 4th Birthday Fame!

Covered

I watched a movie yesterday called "Covered". It had a lot of known black actors..Leon was in it ya'll!! The two main characters husband and wife, I've seen them before but can't tell you what their names are. Anyway..ya'll need to watch that movie. I'm not going to give you a premise of the movie because ya'll need to rent it. To tell you something about it..it was centered around down low brothers..it was funny and dramatic and very suspenseful.

Me and my girl were talking..after it was over..and I was telling her about someone who took me to a gay bar in a well known gay area when we first got together. And he was super cool about it. Now at the time I'm thinking that this maybe the only spot for us to get drinks. Now that I think about it..How did he know about that spot?? Had he been there before without me?. I know most men wouldn't dare go to a gay bar.."male" gay bar if that was the only place to get drinks on earth..Hmm..Now I'm wondering..

He always had elaborate stories about the women he slept with, and how his male member was so great. Was he overcompensating for something? Now I would run afraid if a guy talks about another woman in my presence, and if gave more glory to his penis than to God..then I would say deuces. But I should have put up the peace sign after he took me to that gay bar...So I wonder now..after the fact what his motivation was?

Now we've come to the conclusion from my blog..almost every woman has thought or fantasized about another woman. A many have had their dreams come true. I'm starting to think the same about men...

Seven Dollar's...Bitch

So my girl..the one who always gives me so much insight..stuff I already know and can tell people, but somehow I can't take my own advice. Anyway she had me cracking up when I told her about this....and she now calls the situation "Seven Dollars Bitch"

I have been sending my resume everywhere. I've been on 2 interviews.

So I don't know maybe Monday I checked my gmail account. After remembering that the email on my resume is for gmail. So I got a reply back. Damn I said..That's not good. I emailed them anyway. Their name was Wande..I'm like man or woman???

So I email "it" and tell them this and that. I ask if they are still interested.

In less than 5 mins. in my inbox was a reply that said resend your resume.

So I do...............

Your reseume looks great. Can you please come in for an interview Monday morning anytime between 8am-10am. Please bring a portfolio if you have one, sample lesson plans or anything else that will give us a glimpse of who you are. We have hired our lead teachers and must hire our teacher assistant by Monday afternoon. The position will start on Tuesday, July 29, 2008. We run on the same calendar year as Clayton County Pre-School system, so when they are out for holiday/breaks, pre-k is out as well. We are lookin for an organized individual ith a deep love for children. The state does pop up visits and bonuses are dependent on how well you score during the state visits.The starting salary for a para-pro (teachers assistant in $6.55-$7.00 per hour. This position only requires that the individual be at least 21 years old and you must provide a criminal background check if hired. We look forward to seeing you, if you are interested.

Misspelled words and punctuation mistakes..is it that hard to use spell check?


Okay..

So I talk to my girl. I give her the run down and what not. She was cracking up at the fact that I could actually make 45 cent's less. She called me the Seven Dollar Bitch... Then she told me what I already knew..That I just needed a check..




So I go on the interview....

I get there..and boy..I see why they are paying 7.00. The application ya'll..Was typed for the most part. But you better believe somebody forgot something and was too lazy to do it over..so they decided to draw in the subject lines that they forgot. Desired Salary_______.

I fill out the application. I'm sitting there and waiting. Listening to the voices around me. Boy...It was African American Vernacular Land..

Okay..I don't talk about people. Wande is a woman. Here is her description. She's cute in the face. She has coaco brown skin, and a huge ass. It was just out there, and you know a skinny girl like me sometimes has ass envy. Then I wake up and realize that I am healthy, and I have year and years to get old and "thick". Where she goes wrong is..That hair..it wasn't her hair. And if yo shit looks like a damn rug...please women don't just think it's okay to walk around like that. It was like a curly afro, I guess. But that shit looked a hot mess.

Anyway we begin the interview. I tell her that I made a powerpoint of some lesson plans. She was pleased. We talked. I had the job. She told me that they had hired the lead teacher in the email she sent me the previous day, but somehow the day of my interview..they just couldn't find the right person..Well yeah..
She showed me the school. Paint was chipping off of the walls. The floors were dirty. EW. It smelled of mold. Then she showed me the classroom that I would be in. It was 10 times worse. She said the previous teacher had to just take stuff off of the wall. No..it looked like she let the kids have a lets fuck up this room party.


So anyway I asked if my baby girl could go there. Knowing that I REALLY don't want her to. But at least we could be together. She said yes....for 45 dollars a week... *gulp*

She gives me the paper work for baby girl..and tells me she will call me tomorrow..Which was yesterday.

I didn't hear from her.

I email her... asking if she found the lead teacher yet..


This is what I got..

"we are still searching for the lead teacher. just can't find the right person with the proper credentials and good in the classroom. i apologize for the delay, i wasn't at the center yesterday and i'm not there today, either. we did hire an assistant teacher who holds a degree in early childhood education and is very familiar with the bright from the start requirements and state requirements so it would not involve as much training on our part. thank you for your interview and good luck in your job search!"



Wow..a person with a degree is going to work for 7.00...I am amazed. I would have worked there ya'll. My meditation that I use in my daily life worked. I meditated on the fact that I am exactly where I am supposed to be. Because of both my blessings, and choices good or bad. I meditated on me being able to make my dreams come true because to break it down. I am my own God, who is lead by some spiritual being.
That job wasn't right for me...

So this is my plan...gotta have a plan..

I will continue to look. But as long as I stay home. And don't drive much. I can just buy food and stay put until I have to.

My school has me f-ed up. I should have graduated like 2 years ago..but I missed classes because they only offer the damn thing once a year, or they only have one damn class, at one time.. Which is what I'm running into now. So I've decided it's time for me to transfer. My classes are all through the day..everyday like they were last fall/spring. It was very hard..school was my life. And I actually do well if that is my only focus.
But if I do find a job that is during the day..I lose classes. Ahhh..

Everything will work out...I have faith.. in me..

3 Poems..and a note

I just don't understand
How man
Can be about one thing
But really be...on another?
Living life
as a contradiction
Living life
as if they're Jesus
Let them tell it
They've claimed...
To have walked
On water

"You lie"
and so you don't?
"Never have, and I won't"

When you and I
Know that's bullshit
From the smallest thing
To the largest
You and I both
Have been a liar

But still, you fix your lips
To spread hate
It's fine
..........We all sin
But the problem becomes
When a man
Starts to believe
The stories they spin

What those same people
Don't know
Is that they are headed
Straight for hell
Because if they died today
Their spirit would be too heavy
That it couldn't float away
Because they never forgave
They never let go
Of what happened to them
So they'll take it to their grave
I am a sinner
So that's why I pray
To my creator
Who protects me
From all of my haters
Who slander my name..
Daily
*************************************************************************************************

Two Faced
It's an elementary word
But it doesn't stop there
Because we live in
An elementary world

I believe in you
More than you believe
In yourself
Is what I've been told
But then you
IMMEDIATELY
In the same breathe
SMASH
My face in the dirt
Thinking that it
Will hurt
Thinking that
I'm afraid of water
And won't rinse off
**************************************************************************************************

Honestly,
I am happy
I feel whole
In my tattered skin
I will grow
Honestly,
Sometimes it rains
So hard
That I hope
That it thunders
And that
Lighting will strike me
Down
Honestly...

Honestly..
I love him..
Honestly..
I can forgive
But honestly,
I will not compromise
My happiness
For anybody
Who is ne-ga-tive
Who can't see
The beauty
In anything that I give
Who only complains
Without looking at themselves
Honestly....

***************************************************************************************************

Okay...so one of my best friends came in town. I saw him..and boy has he grown into a man. We met at my job @ the mall in MI. My friend...was his sister..but didn't know it..until after we started kickin it.. Well anyway she lives down here now, and is a teacher. So my friend will be coming here more often. We kicked it and talked about old times. I really miss him. Even though we talk on the phone all of the time, that doesn't beat seeing him face to face. He is really a true friend. And I was happy that I got to see him..

Quotes for life..2 added by me..Then a poem...

In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity....Albert Einstein



I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish that He didn't trust me so much.....Mother Teresa



The true measure of a man is not how he behaves in moments of comfort and convenience but how he stands at times of controversy and challenges......Martin Luther King Jr.



If I were asked to give what I consider the single most useful bit of advice for all humanity, it would be this: Expect trouble as an inevitable part of life, and when it comes, hold your head high. Look it squarely in the eye, and say, "I will be bigger than you. You cannot defeat me...Ann Landers



Difficulties are meant to rouse, not discourage. The human spirit is to grow strong by conflict....William E. Channing



Life is either a daring adventure or nothing. Security is mostly a superstition. It does not exist in nature....Helen Keller



Don't be afraid your life will end; be afraid that it will never begin....Hansen, Grace



**************************************************************************************************



You know I've always believed in Karma. I am in no way Jesus, so therefore yes I have sinned. Because of that fact I am in no way immune from being "punished" for doing something wrong. I have also repented, which has in turn granted me many, many, blessings......Foia



Being in the right or wrong time, however you see it can land you in a place that you are supposed to be. There are always 2 maybe 3 roads one can travel. Think carefully before you waste your gas on the route you think is best, because prices are rising every day....Foia





And now a poem:





I am me

I write

I tell

My

Testimony

But only I

Can alter my story



I have been broken

In half

Jumped

Off of the wall

Just like

Humty Dumpty

When he had a great fall



My head is hard

But my heart is soft

I've been through a lot

And yes I've taken notes

So the next time

I fill in the bubble correct

So I don't continue

To make the same mistakes



I can admit

That I am not

Though I may look

PERFECT

So I've been told

By so many people

From all over the world

I have to tell myself

That's not true

I am a work in progress

Who might break

But that's why

We have glue

Fuck it I'm just gonna get a Check!

You are not going to fire me because..haaaa I might not come back!



Okay..I was talking to my home girl..the one who I've known since I moved down here. She is older 30 years old..and that is my bitch..She has the best real world advice. She is the same one who got fired from ample jobs also. She has been through it, and I always think..if she did it, so can I.



So with her help I am convinced that right now...I'm just gonna get a check...2 weeks max..3 weeks for extra she said..She had me cracking up..



So I have to have training for this GA prek program. At the "MONTESSORI" school there was no training? I see a problem there. I am going to set up the classroom before the students come in 2 weeks. I don't want to meet the babies. I don't plan on staying long.



The interviewer told me that she wanted a portfolio and lesson plans. I told her I didn't have a portfolio, but was thinking *damn I should have done that @ Montessori*. I must say at Montessori we didn't have lesson plans..everything was ALWAYS impromptu. I would bust out with lets do yoga at any moment.



So I made this PowerPoint presentation because I don't have a printer of some "lessons" that I got off google. For the pay..they are stretching me thin already..But fuck it..I'm just gonna get a check..



A Poem... written by me..



Trying to survive
I'm wiping toilets
for 5.55
Minimum wage
How can I live
So I steal
Just to feed
My kids



I bust my ass
12 hours a day
I worker harder
Always for less
But what else
Can I do
When I got
Bills to pay
Except sweat really hard
And wipe my tears
Because I'm surviving for me
............I see no other way



The America Dream
Crossing the boarder
For only a short time
Huddling together
Stacking every dime
Deplorable conditions
In a land of foreign tongue
We work the hardest
Out on the farm



I'm on the corner
In my stance
Night...is my friend
Day..only when I'm feeling good
I do my thing...
I make them spend
To make my daddy feel good
But my makeup is too thick
And I feel overused
But this is all I know
So what's a girl to do?



But fuck it
Sometimes you gotta
Just get a check

Today

Thanks for all of the support guys!

I appreciate it...really..

I have a job interview tomorrow. Same field as last time..but for the GA PreK program..But for incredibly less money. But it's closer to my apartment. So now my heart is playing tug of war between needing money, and being over worked and under paid. She said if I'm not a "nut" just plan on staying tomorrow all day..lol..if she only knew. Oh well good thing by looking at me I don't look cracked up..lol..

So right now as we speak I am sitting on my couch searching craigslist for something better.

So with that being said..I need to go back and search some more..

I have a question...

Would you take a job that was paying an incredibly less amount of money?

So..The first day after a "tragedy" is always a test for me.

My mind races...thoughts go a mile a minute. Most not pleasant.

I hardly ever cry...unless the shit hits the fan..

I did a lot of that on Friday..

Then I talked to a couple of my "friends"..

One of my girls who I've known since I moved down here told me "Losing a job ain't shit. I got fired from almost every job that I've had". Then she went down the list of what jobs and why. She is too funny, so all I could do was listen and picture her in the moment of being terminated. I felt like I had company.

Then one of my guy friends texted me this morning..I told him I got fired..and he texted back "Why is it so hard for you to keep a job?... I texted back "??"..I wasn't able to go back to sleep. This was @ 7:00 am. I know..I know..ya'll are thinking I let ppl get to me. Well at least I realize that..and I can work on it. But more than him getting to me. I realized that what he said is the truth.

Nonetheless, I have been sending my resume out...we'll see what happens.

On the day that I got fired. I was listening to a radio station down here, and they were talking about losing their job. All of them agreed that if they lost their job today, that they would be fine because they still had their family. Bull shit I say..because if you don't have a job..how can you take care of your family. With the economy being a piece of shit now..it is harder now to find a job. A good paying job. I know I have a requirement, and I will not work for less than I know I deserve. I will be miserable, and it will show in my job performance. Again..I realize this..therefore I can POSSIBLY control it. I worked as a hotel desk clerk for a lil while last summer, and the maids got paid less than us. Reminder me of house ni***** and field n******..yep..

Speaking of control..that is the hardest part for me. Seems as if I have little to none...Impulsitivity..used to be fun when I was younger. Even though back then it got me into worlds of trouble..but I was a kid, and I thought I would grow out of it. For the most part, I don't see myself wilding out like I did when I was a teenage..but I must say I do some stupid shit..Like not following my intuition. My intuition told me on that day..don't use the phone.....BUT I DID..and I always get slapped when I don't listen.

So I leave you with this..ppl listen to the vibrations that you get from the world around you..